Your question was: Should I put kiki on match.com or eharmony?.
"But then I realized, that's where he went on his honeymoon, and it's where he's taken all his girlfriends before me. He's been there 6 or so times. ".
Yuck. What is wrong with these guys? Cant they find an original thought? Why not suggest a different island or locale like the caribbean ? ..
The island in question that he picked is the most beautiful, where King Kong was filmed, and a lot of other movies. The Caribbean would've been a definite 'no' for me because I just don't do beaches, etc. But when he spoke about Hawaii, and how it's the most beautiful place on earth, and the climate is perfect, the islanders are terrific, etc., I started to come around and think, 'hmm, this might be wonderful after all!' But then he would tell me about specific places he wanted to take me, because it was so amazing, and I got these pictures in my head of some other woman in his arms, feeling swept away in a romantic paradise, ad nauseum, and it made me sick. And it made me feel not very special, after all. I mean, would it have been so bad for him to suggest places that he HASN'T been, things for us to do that he HASN'T already done? It all just feels so 'ruined' now, and part of me feels like a spoiled brat for whining about being taken to Hawaii and not wanting to go, but the last thing I want is to be there, and suddenly be overcome with thoughts of him being there with someone else and having the mood turn sour. I don't want to seem like I'm being ungrateful, because he is very generous but not very sensitive, I guess...
I agree, it's very tacky for him to expect to replicate his honeymoon with his ex. I guess he had a really good experience there and wants to share it with you, but if he keeps insisting and you're just not a beach person, then he's taking you along on a vacation for HIM without any regard for how YOU might feel about it.I think it would be perfectly appropriate to say "that sounds really nice, but I would feel really strange going to the places you went on your honeymoon and I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'd be a lot happier if we chose somewhere else entirely."..
I have a 2-pronged answer....if you have not made any reservations yet, I would have a long talk about how you don't want to go anywhere that he's been with his exes, that you would like to go somewhere new to BOTH of you.If you already have reservations, I would find out where he'd been and stayed and do things totally (or mostly totally) different this time around. Stay at a new hotel, do some other activities that he didn't get to with any of the others. There's also the option of taking small planes to the other islands and lots of things to do there (Pearl Harbor in Honolulu, tour the Big Island, etc.).when dh and I were deciding where to go on our honeymoon, we made a concerted effort to go somewhere where neither of us had been. We had long talks about what we wanted out of our vacation time together. For us that was beaches, good food and privateness. Once we had those decisions made, then we decided on where to go (St. Martin) and we rented a private condo with it's own pool and jacuzzi.Your trip should combine what you BOTH want out of this vacation.Eileen..
Thank you all for your replies. It has helped to validate my feelings about all this. .
I did talk to him about it, and he said that it's our trip, that nothing in the past matters. The places he's been to and wants to take me are the best of the best (that's his way), but I feel as though if I sucked it up and went, I'd be haunted by the other women that he's been there with. .
I feel ridiculous typing this, that I should feel grateful that he wants to do something nice like this and show me a gorgeous part of the world, but I don't want to go and then end up being pissy or anything. .
He's not dead-set on Hawaii, he said we could go anywhere, but the thing is, I got all excited about going and I do want to go, but I can't erase the past, and maybe I'm just being insecure and immature about this. I can't help how I feel, though. .
But I wonder how he'd feel if I wanted to bring him someplace where I've gone with a lot of MY exes! I wonder if then, logic and reason on HIS part would be tossed out the window.....
Somehow you have to make a decision that you can live with and NOT throw back at him. If you really don't feel that you can handle being places that he was with exes then don't go there. Is Hawaii beautiful? Sure. However, for my time and money, I've loved the Caribbean much, much more.Dh and I haven't had the same "ex" issues as neither of us had much fun traveling with our exes. So, for us, we'd be able to go to some of "those" places and truly enjoy it together and comment about how much more fun it was this time around. In fact, for Valentine's day, Steve and I went to the same Bed & Breakfast where I had gone with my ex (my youngest was conceived there!)....I had WAY more fun with him than I ever did with my ex.good luck with your decision. whatever you decide, make sure it's a decision that you can live with.eileen..
>>The Caribbean would've been a definite 'no' for me because I just don't do beaches, etc.<<As a person from the Caribbean I feel I must speak up and state that there is more to us than beaches and coconut trees. I live in Barbados and see the beach maybe twice a year. If I can manage to LIVE here and not be a 'beach person' I'm sure you can bear a visit...
Hi, I'm glad you enjoy living in Barbados but 'bearing a visit' doesn't sound much like vacation. I've been to the Caribbean a dozen or so times since I was a kid and it holds no appeal for me. I live near the beach myself, and I haven't been in nearly 10 years. Hence my initial lack of interest with Hawaii. "Why fly 12 hours to see the ocean when I can drive for less than 2 and see one?" I used to think. It wasn't until my b/f showed me all kinds of websites about it that it started to peak my interest. And sadly, it still has. Hawaii and the South Pacific are are great deal different then the Caribbean, something I didn't realize because I never took the time to check it out. However, our winters are Tahiti's and Bora Bora's summer (I tried to find a similar-but-different alternative), and it's hot and muggy and it's their rainy season around January (when we were planning to go away)...
I guess when I said 'bear a visit' you didn't pick up on the sarcasm. My point - AGAIN - is that there is way more to do than visit the beach. Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm sick of the stereotypes about the Caribbean*. Besides, visiting one part or a few places in the Caribbean can in no way give you an idea of the entire region. For example, Barbados and St. Lucia are as different as night and day.
That's never a good idea.* Yes my siggie has a pic of the beach but it's because it's a beautiful pic, and there are others I have that don't include the beach at all..
CL - Women of Color ..
Why do you have to get so bent out of shape just because she doesn't want to vacation in the Caribbean? I agree with her, "you can bear a visit" didn't sound like cute funny sarcasm, it sounded like mean-spirited sarcasm. If Barbados isn't all about beaches and coconut trees, then what would you suggest she do there? You may live there but would you expect a tourist to go about their day in the same way you do? I'm not sure that a place known for and advertised for it's beaches primarily would be the best vacation spot for someone who does not like beaches at all, but if you have any other suggestions why not share 'em?OP, you say his heart isn't dead-set on Hawaii... So here's your chance to pick out another place! Maybe you two can go to Hawaii later on in your relationship (thru Match.com) when you can create your own memories there and not have to worry about topping the last ones he had with other women...
Yes, very true, Hawaii doesn't have to be off the radar screen for good. I was telling him that I want to make our OWN memories, somewhere that doesn't have any ties to anyone else. He seemed receptive enough. Going there sometime down the road, after we've had a chance to fill up photo albums with our OWN special trips, etc., won't feel so much like I'm stepping into someone else's shoes..
I also have to mention, he's been away on business this past week, I've just moved out of my home that I've been in for over 12 years, and I'm feeling very unbalanced and out of sorts. Thanks so much for putting some 'sense' into what's been feeling like a really crazy past few days!..
I have one word to describe this: TACKY! (ok, I'll add one more word ... creepy!).
He's obviously talking about Kauai. Which is indeed beautiful! But, I can tell you first-hand ... having been to Hawaii many times and visiting all the major islands (some more than once) ... that there's a lot more to Hawaii than the same trip he keeps taking..
Compromise: go to Maui!.
Seriously, this is creepy. Recreating the same vacation with different women. I would totally not go for that. What about creating your own NEW memories together? Suggest a different island. That way, he won't be tempted to take you to the same spots he's been to before. Seriously, that is beyond tacky and rather weird, if you ask me.
Also, in another post you said << The places he's been to and wants to take me are the best of the best (that's his way), >>.
Ok, but ... how would he KNOW if he keeps doing the same vacation!? .
I've been to Kauai twice, Maui three times, Oahu twice and Big Island (Hawaii) once ... they are all great in their own ways and offer different experiences ... I mean, if the "best of the best" is his way ... if he hasn't considered the Wailea coast in Maui ... then, he's missing out. Maui has better beaches than Kauai by far.
Edited 9/6/2008 2:03 pm ET by starbuck70..
I'm not quite sure how making a general point means I'm bent out of shape because she doesn't want to visit the Caribbean. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. It's not like I went "Oh no, how could you!" I typed my response and went on my merry way; I also went on to answer the original post, as I had failed to do so the first time.>>I'm not sure that a place known for and advertised for it's beaches primarily would be the best vacation spot for someone who does not like beaches at all, but if you have any other suggestions why not share 'em?<<Night clubs, museum tours, island drives, ATV driving, touring the Wildlife Reserve, dining out, movies, spending the weekend (I don't know how long the trip is) in a hotel that is not near the beach - the same things that places not known for beaches have. What are the 'sexiest' songs you know?.
Edited 9/6/2008 3:12 pm ET by cl-bajanbeautykei.
CL - Women of Color ..
Your concern is understandable but clearly Hawaii is a place that is very meaningful for him. Can you discuss your feelings and your need to make this trip seem like something between you and him alone. Like stay somewhere new for him. Find new restaurants and places to explore along with some of the things he just can't imagine not doing if he's in Hawaii..
"I was telling him that I want to make our OWN memories, somewhere that doesn't have any ties to anyone else. He seemed receptive enough. Going there sometime down the road, after we've had a chance to fill up photo albums with our OWN special trips, etc., won't feel so much like I'm stepping into someone else's shoes.".
Sounds great! Good luck...
"the same things that places not known for beaches have. "Then why choose Barbados at all? Isn't a vacation supposed to be spent doing things specific to that location? You really were pretty defensive about this. I live in New York, we're known for NYC. Everyone who has never been here thinks that all we have is a city with Broadway shows and tour buses... So if someone said to me, "eh New York wouldn't be my thing, I'm not a city person" that would be alright, it doesn't make sense to go to a climate you hate whether or not there are other things to do. They'd probably be better off going to a national park and doing things there that they wouldn't be able to do anywhere else, yeah?Not trying to be mean but you seemed pretty mad, and I think the whole point of this thread is to understand that vacations are supposed to be places we really WANT to go, and she can make her own choice if it's not a tropical locale..
Gee..'bent out of shape', 'defensive' and 'mad', all because I went off-topic for a minute. Hilarious...
I know I'm new so you don't know me very well, but it takes more than that to upset me. I say what I'm thinking/feeling - that's it. No wild emotions here, no typing in a huffAll I did was address the comment because I like open-mindedness. And I actually forgot all about the Caribbean issue until I saw your post to me about it..
>>I think the whole point of this thread is to understand that vacations are supposed to be places we really WANT to go, and she can make her own choice if it's not a tropical locale <<.
If you'll look past my Caribbean comment, which was made in only 2 posts of the entire thread, you'll see that I told the OP that the trip to Hawaii sounds like something that only the bf wants, as in her opinion counts too....