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Should I Get Married?

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I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. Last year we were supposed to get engaged. All year he kept saying just to trust him and it would happen. Well at Christmas time he finally confessed that he has a fear of marriage due to some past family history. I was devastated when he told me this and felt betrayed and led on. Well he's been going to therapy for the last 6 months and now wants to get engaged.

He's my best friend but at the same time I want someone who is passionate enough about me to be excited about spending their life with me and not petrified. It all feels very anti-climactic. Am I being unrealistic?..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Should I Get Married?.

Feeling betrayed is a realistic emotion to being deceived about someone's feelings. If he would have told you about his fears he probably felt you would bolt. So he decided to be selfish and withhold that information, thinking he would probably grow out of that fear and not anticipating the repercussions of those actions. I guess he bet wrong. Unfortunately, it came to a head and now he has come clean with everything.If it were me, I would feel deceived and led down a false path. Fears are real for everyone and I probably would have considered breaking things off if someone was paralyzed by fear of marriage the way it seems that it was for him.

However, his selfishness is going to cost him and he hasn't even contemplated the ways in which he is going to pay for that action.He came through with what he said he would do, however, and that is to propose to you."And now I don't know if I want to anymore." I know that feeling. The excitement is gone. And sometimes no matter how hard you try, you just "can't get back that lovin' feeling.""I want someone who is passionate enough about me to be excited about spending their life with me and not petrified. It all feels very anti-climactic. Am I being unrealistic?" Question for you - is his attendance in therapy a display of passion for you? Would he have gone to therapy if it weren't for you? The men I have known, generally, don't go to therapy unless a woman nags them into it.

But, you may have a different frame of reference. I agree that this is an anti-climactic ending...because all women have their proposal videotaped in their head and this doesn't match the video. Unrealistic, maybe, but your lack of enthusiasm is now a by-product of being deceived. As you are being patient with his forward movement, this guy now has to take responsibility for his actions and deal with the repercussions of those actions - your new attitude about him and marriage to him. It may take time for you to reconcile your feelings and it would be best if you waited to get engaged until you are sure you still want to be with this man...

Comment #1

Californiagirl77..PG would like to take a different approach to your post than Snafu did...if that's okay?You and your b/f have been serious with one another for 4 years. In that time, each of you have experienced the good stuff and bad stuff about each other. Maybe some of the bad stuff has bothered (aka SCARED) each other when it comes to making a serious commitment? Believe it or not...there's nothing wrong with that? Better to be concerned prior to saying "I DO" instead of going through the entire ceremony with a question mark inside your head and end up divorcing 6 months later?I keep wondering if your issue is passion...or the plain and simple fact that you've become BORED with the relationship? When you get to know too much about anybody...the romanticism starts to fade when reality (aka the flaws in a partner) begin to kick in?If I were in your shoes...I wouldn't rush into marriage? I honestly don't think you're comfortable with the concept...let alone the man you THINK you're in love with?Pianoguy..

Comment #2

When I read your headline - my first thought was - if you have to ask the question - then no. REading your post, I say the same things.A good marriage is 100% commitment from both parties. I can understand your thoughts that he might have proposed because he thinks he should - and you don't know otherwise. Thus, it would make sense for the 2 ofyou to take some time to get real about what you each want and need in a partner - and see how well your partner fits those wants/traits.I agree - you want to know that the person you marry is as passionate about you as you are about them. Too many people get married to 'their best friend' but the passion is lacking - and over time, that 'best' friend becomes resented, cheated on, disrespected.Hon, a successful relationship (thru Match.com) takes balance in 4 areas - emotional, spiritual, physical and intellectual - like a table. When the table is balanced, it can withstand a lot - and if one leg gets a little loose, the others can sustain the weight until it's repaired.

And it doesn't take a lot to make it fall.If the physical aspect is very weak to begin with - what you have is really a 'platonic' friendship - thats what friendship is - love without passion! YOu may want to talk with him and tell him honestly what you are feeling, want and expect. A short break might put things into perspective for you both - to either go ahead full steam or to make a clean break and go your seperate ways. This should be simply be a time for each of you to clean up the past enough to live in the present - and when you know what is best for you - then you can do what you need to do.That said - if you have ANY doubts DO NOT get married - the doubts will only get bigger and the conflict greater with marriage. Marriage should only be entered into for the right reasons - without persistent fear or doubts about what each of you feel and why..

Toni..

Comment #3

I can understand your disappointment but it's a good thing he went to theraphy I wish my ex hub did it would have meant that he was truly ready to marry me since he felt " forced" to marry me we got divorce so be patient with your man what he is doing is a good thing.

 ..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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