Should I continue this relationship

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I have known this man 8 years. He is now divorced and so am I and we have rekindled our friendship. We talk on the phone daily, did see each other once a week, many time longer than a week, except for when he goes to NY to see his "female friend" or she comes to his house which was the case this week. We have a lot in common. I heard nothing from him in 7 days. She was staying there and also her uncle and aunt after she was there 5 days alone with him.

Claims he doesn't kiss and tell as to whether he is sleeping with the other woman or not but did tell me he slept with her but no penetration. He told me if he was ready to commit I could be the one he could spend the rest of his life with. He tells me I am special (I am a real friend and have supported him during his alcohol recovery which is going very well) and he loves me (not in love with me) and I have been a great friend. He is a recovering alcoholic. Then the next day he tells me his friend is visiting for 8 days.

After they left his house and he finally emailed me I told him I wouldn't see him I needed time and he said he would not call but he did. He has called daily every since. Sunday we talked about his swollen leg which he said he was staying off of and it was getting better and there was no mention of yet another trip to NY. Today I get an email and he is going there and a bunch ar going out to a "nice dinner" and concerts for a friend's B-day. I think I know who the friend is.

We meet and I pay my meal. He says money is an issue and he does not have a job now and is not activiely looking if he is up there every week. He is getting free medical care through VA same place where he did re-hab. I am not dating (online dating with anyone else and we don't really date using we cook for each other and do things for each other but no real dates-dinner, movie etc. yet because money is an issue for him and when he goes to NY he stays for free and she takes him to dinner parties and dinner but I don't know who pays.

When he goes to NY it is a different story. He stays for 3 or 4 days and goes to the opera or ballet and dinner parties with her. Should I continue to see him as a friend or tell him to go to his NY lady friend. He says the NY lady and he will never go beyond friends because she won't leave NY and he can't move there and find a job. He does not want to be exclusive yet and doesn't want to get into a "skunk spraying contest" whatever that is.

He is intelligent and kind but I can't really understand or feel comfortable with the NY thing. Is this relationship (thru worth pursuing? He is a very nice person but I am not sure sincere. Teach..

Comments (6)

Your question was: Should I continue this relationship.

Can you say alcohol recovery.....unemployed....using you??? Come on this man is not good dating (online dating with material let alone anything more. Move on and find a healthy man that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.Cindy..

Comment #1

This really depends on what kind of relationship (thru you want if you should continue. I don't know how long since his divorce or yours, but you could be a re-bound.If you want to be a sex partner with nothing else and you can handle that then stay.If you want a committed relationship (thru with respect, love, honesty, Then leave.He is being up front with you, he has told you "if he wanted to commit you would be the one"... Well he doesn't want a committed relationship (thru with you or anyone right now. You have to decide what you want, for yourself, if it's a committed relationship, it's not happening with this guy. If it's just a bed buddy every once in awhile then stay.Good luck..

Comment #2

Hey Teach,I think he enjoys knowing you are there and what HE get's from the "relationship". BTW, you should ask yourself, what's he getting from this "female friend" that he's not or can't get from you? I don't feel he's thinking much of your feelings and you all together. If you want a deep and loving relationship (thru I'm not sure from what your posted he's the one for that job. That doesn't mean he's not a nice person, but you must consider your feelings FIRST!! Wishing you all the best!Leena..

Comment #3

I can't see anyone being happy with this arrangement. He wont engage in a monogamous relationship, treat you with any type of specialness and expects you to take care of him. It is a one way street here with him reaping all of the benefits...

Comment #4

When I read about your situation I thought of me because I have been in a similar situation for the past five and a half years. I am dating (online dating with a married man and every time I see him I wish I can end it but don't have the strength to do it. I then read the messages of advise posted for you and found myself being the one asking for advise. I completely understand your position because I am there myself. I love this guy and understand you love your guy too. There is nobody out there that can understand how we feel unless they are going through the same situation.

I am happy when I am with him...we have shared many intimate moments together that go beyond sex...we are great friends and I know that deep inside he loves me. It is not black or white. He has a commitment with someone else. I just happen to arrived a little late in his life. He is not a jerk, and I don't think I would want him if he left his wife for me.

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. So, hang in there and think about it before you make a decision you'll regret the rest of your life.Good luck..

Comment #5

Ask yourself these questions:Does this situation drain me or energize me in general - not just here and there?What kind if relationship (thru do I really want now? in 2 years? What would I tell my best friend?What benefit do I get from this situation other than sex?Do I repsect myself or otherwise feel any guilt in regards to this relationship?Is this relationship (thru a 'secret' from most of my friends and family or is it all out in the open? When you take the time to be fully honest with yourself - you will know what is best for you. You then have to make the decision to act upon that knowledge. I was in a situation once where the man was separated when we met and later got back with his wife. There was a lot going on in my life at that time that made me very vulnerable - I needed to 'feel' anything other than the intense emotional pain I felt and I denied a lot of things including his marriage. He is not a bad person and I don't harbor any ill will towards him because we both were emotionally wounded and needy - and as I healed emotionally I began to accept the truth of what I was doing - I knew what was right even though I wanted him so badly. The pleasure and the pain weren't balancing out - and funnily enough, he was going through similar - as he told me one day We need to end this - and I agreed.

And when you decide that you will take teh appropriate action and do it..


Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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