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Should i be suspicious

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I have been with my new boyfriend for around 3 months now and we are (or think we are exclusive). He is the first guy I enjoy being with after my divorce a few years ago (no children). I feel that he is hot an cold. He always sets the tone of our relationship, always sets when we will meet up i.e can't today but lets meet tomorrow.On the one hand he hints at living together then an hour later asks if I will get new plants for my balcony to grow in time for next summer. When we don't spend time together he does call but for some reason I feel he is emotionally distant - it's just a gut feel and I can't put my finger on it. He did mention in the beginning that he felt inadequate towards me, I am more educated and have a strong career.

I don't understand all of this as he has a great job and is cute - I have told him this. My approach to the relationship (thru Match.com) is easy going I see him when he wants and I dont harrass him with phone calls etc. I have been upfront about my feeling towards himHis past is kind of strange (in my view anyway) he was living with a woman 17 years his senior for 12 years he is 38 I am 34. They broke up around 18 months ago but I feel there is still contact somehow. He says he doesn't believe in marriage etc etc, but says he sees us together in 10 years from now..

Comments (21)

Your question was: Should I be suspicious.

What you require from this man is that he open up to you. The only way to do that is to slowly and casually start to talk about his feelings about himself and his past. For instance you can start with that you dont understand his feelings about himself and has "no one ever given you those compliments before?" Maybe that older woman messed up his head."He did mention in the beginning that he felt inadequate towards me, I am more educated and have a strong career." > It sounds like he doubts himself. When he says things like that about himself it is a good time to find out why he feels this way. You would then need to determine if a guy who lacks confidence is someone you want in your life. Or it could be a temporary feeling he is going through."On the one hand he hints at living together then an hour later asks if I will get new plants for my balcony to grow in time for next summer." > I dont see that as hot and cold.

You could jokingly say, "But how will those plants fit in our new place?" But...then you would be leaving yourself open to looking like you are assuming a lot. This is why dating (online dating with Match.com) can be so difficult...

Comment #1

Well, at only 3 months in, I think talking at all seriously about living together would be sillyit's WAAAAAAY too early for that. BUThe's told you clearly he doesn't believe in marriage. Are you ok with that? He obviously is capable of LTRs but doesn't want to marrycould you live with someone for 12 years as his previous GF did and be ok with not being married? If not, then it doesn't make sense for you to continue to see him hoping he'll change his mind about that.Sheri..

Comment #2

I don't know if I would necessarily be suspicious, but just keep in mind the length of time that you were together. He could feel very strongly for you but be reluctant because it hasn't been all that long.I do agree with the previous poster about the marriage philosophy. This is something significant that needs to be sorted out.Perhaps if he makes another comment that relates to the two of you living together, you could say hey...we've only been together this long. Are you serious? My bf last week mentioned something in passing about meeting his grandfather at Christmas and although I'd love to be with him long term, I was wondering where he was coming from. My reply was Christmas??? It's June! Really?My best friend though and her husband moved in together after six weeks in their early 20's. They just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are one of the healthiest couples I know.

If he's into you, he won't!.

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #3

"Don't be afraid of him freaking out. If he's into you, he won't!" > that's really good advice. I guess if he does freak out, then it's better to know sooner than later that he's not really into you."He could feel very strongly for you but be reluctant because it hasn't been all that long." > true, which is why she may be feeling that he is holding something back."I was wondering where he was coming from. My reply was Christmas??? It's June! Really?" > were you okay with that or did it freak you out?"My best friend though and her husband moved in together after six weeks in their early 20's. They just celebrated their 10 year anniversary and are one of the healthiest couples I know." > these stories always amaze me. If it were only that simple and easy...

Comment #4

I know! If it were only that simple and easy!Regarding the Christmas comment (and I got another tonight...fireworks were cancelled due to rain and I LOVE fireworks!! He said, I'll take you next year)...I only act semi-concerned (like I had said I replied before) to see what he'll say. He said tonight, please...you know I will next year and years after that too.I just truly feel that sometimes you just know. So no, I wasn't freaked out. I do think though it's all in the approach. You don't want to come across as needy/desperate in any way..

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #5

"He said tonight, please...you know I will next year and years after that too." > thats very sweet - I'm sure you are happy together :-)..

Comment #6

You asked if I am ok with him not believeing in marriage? No I am not ok with someone who makes such sweeping statements....he told me a few days ago that he feels that I am not the type of womn that would trick him into marriage...My reponse was very cocky 'Given you feel that way when I feel that I want to settle down I will dump you....as simple as that' he was floored with my response. It gets worse he has also said that he doesn't like children...when I quizzed him why he said that they restrict your frredom and he would only have children if he SO (and he was in love) asked for them. I dropped the subject. To be honest my feelings on motherhood are not yes or no at the moment but his dogmatic opinion on this issue annoyed me. I feel that this is a decision taken by teo people who intend to either be propsective parents or not. As such given that guys don't change their mids on these issues I have a problem with a door being closed before I even decide of I want to open it. So what do I do dump him now?..

Comment #7

Well, if you want marriage, then it doesn't make sense to continue to date using Match.com someone who doesn't, the kids issue aside.Sheri..

Comment #8

You've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 3 months, which is about the time both parties start finding out about each other's preferences for the future. Since you dont want the door to marriage closed shut then you might want to consider breaking things off with him."I feel that this is a decision taken by teo people who intend to either be propsective parents or not.' > this is not true. Your feelings/viewpoints are appropriate for someone who is married who has yet to map out the course of her life with a SO, not someon who has been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 3 months. He's made his decision, you have yet to make yours. You need to finds someone who feels the same way. He's not wrong and you are not wrong - just possibly mismatched...

Comment #9

HE MIGHT STILL BE FEELING THIS OTHER WOMAN/WOMEN. HE ALSO SETS THE TONE WHEN THE TWO OF YOU CAN SEE EACHOTHER...RED FLAG RIGHT THERE.TRY TO PLAY A LITTLE HARD TO GET THE NEXT TIME HE CALLS...LET HIM SEE HOW IT FEELS TO BE STRUNG ALONG.IF IN YOUR MIND YOU FEEL IT'S TIME TO BOUNCE THAN THAT'S WHAT YOU WILL HAVE TO DO.PACK UP YOUR FEELINGS AND GIVE IT TO A DESERVING MAN. DON'T CONTINUE TO WAIT AROUND UNTIL HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.IT WILL BE HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOU FIRST AND FOREMOST.

Grownazzwoman out!..

Comment #10

I have an updateWe went away for the weekend and he mentioned that he wants to give me keys to his place, which seems logical after 3 months. He started making jokes about my balcny again and I said well what do you suggest I do? he answered find a new place which is newer - I said yeah ok someting to think about. Anyway he has issues re commitment but he did andle a sticky situation very well. I have a toxic ex who happens to call me out of the blue now and again...well murphys law he called yesterday whilst we have having a lovely lunch by the sea..he was rambling on about soemthing and I told him don't call me ever...and by the way I am with my boyfrind right now..he called me a whore and I promptly hung up. My current boyfriend didn't pressue me to talk about it and was very supportive actually so I guess he has win some brownie points...Of course I am worried of his opinion ..probably thinks I have some serious baggage...whilst all I have is a psycho toxic ex...

Comment #11

Hey;-)From reading your post I can clearly understand that you are confused.It seems to me that your partner is un-confident of what to do in situation's were commitment is stated. As you stated in your conversation that he felt as if you were of a higher status than him, I can clearly try to imagine that the man feel's uncomfortable. Looking back in older times, after all men were supposed to be the one's with higher status, and therefore I feel as if your man feel's that he may not be able to satisfy you and so therefore he is getting a bit set off. You also mentioned that you already talked to him about how you felt about this situation, that I found very smart indeed, but what I personally think about your situation is that you should defenitly be curious about your guy. There is something he for sure is un sure about, and you have got to reach out a hand there and help him, even though it might not be the easiest thing to do. As a response, if he really appreciates you and wants to continue having a serious relationship (thru Match.com) with you he should definitely open up to you and express his feelings strongly and clearly to you so that you will know were to move on next.Make this clear to him, and that you need to know what's going on in his mind, after all your not a mind reader.

My advice for you is try my suggestion, and if it still continues the same way, and nothing clears up, you should definitely be moving on ;-)Find someone worth your time and not to mention, someone that deserves the great: You!Arijana. Hpnes Norway/Switzerland..

Comment #12

Ok...I'm not sure how that at all addresses the basic, fundamental issue of you wanting marriage with the right partner, and him not believing in marriage, but I'm glad to hear he was good about your ex calling.Sheri..

Comment #13

I gave him some of his own medicine.....yesterday when he called he said 'Babe I can't see you tonight but I will see you tommorow....I responded 'let's touch base tomorrow good night'(vey non chalantly I usually say ok sounds good)Sure enough phone call 10:30 in the morning (he usually calls when he finishes work). Was just small talk really and then he said 'so what are we doing tonight?' I replied sweetie tonight is bad for me (without elaborating why)...he knee jerked 'Oh you have plans? what are you doing?' He then said 'well can you tomorrow? will you sleep over?' haaaaa touche!I really do have plans actually but before I would have put them off to work around him...I hate game playing...I guess that you need to have your own life and not be afraid to live it rather than weaving your life around theirs...I will keep you guys posted..

Comment #14

"I hate game playing...I guess that you need to have your own life and not be afraid to live it rather than weaving your life around theirs..."To respond to your above statement..once upon a time it wasn't like that - men didn't feel that you were weaving your life around theirs you were creating a new life togetherit was a teamyou and him. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your SO and prioritizing him or her first. I agree that one shouldn't give up activities or hobbies that one used to enjoy doing just because a new person entered your life. As far as friends go...I havent' seen much in the way of friendship between women anymore. Just like there is no prince riding in to sweep you off your feet...except for the movies...it seems to be the same way with female friends..just a movie producer's fantasy.In the last 10 years I have not seen such backstabbing EXCEPT in movies. Today, women will outright make a play for your guy and if you confide in a friend she will make sure to screw something up for you so she can get your guy.

Women have become ruthless at work and at play. Even guys dont do these things to each other as "friends". Oh and forget his female friends...because they don't want to see him happy anyway. They want him there to stroke their egos and wipe their tears all while making their BFs jealous or if no BF then use him for nights out so she doesn't have to sit home. Every now and then one may confess her feelings for him to him, but they usually just like screwing with his head and yours.

I say let the bastard hang onto those friends and I'll say "see ya" because years later he'll still be sucking up to them while I am having a better life. Hopefully =)There... now I feel better. Thanks for listening!..

Comment #15

Toxic women friends both yours and your SO really get up my nose. Snafu I agree about women friends I am always being surprised (haven't I leaned yet) that you always seem to have to be on high alert with your friends. What is it with them when they flirt with your boyfriend? What is ti that they always complain and are miserable yet you suddenly find out that they were out the night before living it up? Anyway I could go on forever which is why I always seem to get on better with males - who are usually younger than me. Another issue which bugs me and this is happening now my SO has a female friend who he dated for around 3 months well over a year ago. he has stated that he is not attracted to her and this is why the relationship (thru Match.com) sank. However this firl calls him often and complains - wish we were together I miss you etc that I am too 'uppity' and 'out of his league' etc- another ploy is that she had a health problem that only my SO knew about which I believe was bull...sh...t and now she is having family problems. I don't if I should tell him that it annoys me - he has this impish character that he always wants to there for others and can't say no! believe me I don't see her as a threat she just annoys the hell out of me and I feel like telling him my point of view...Is this dangerous?..

Comment #16

Let's see...you discussing your feelings about this b.s. artist could go one way or the other. I have experienced it myself going both ways..for me or against me. It sounds like your BF's ex is using whatever tactics she can to evoke sympathy from him so he does not cut off contact. I hope he does defend you to his ex but I wonder why he tells you the nature of their conversations. Does he feel the need to make you jealous? Jealousy is more about feeling a threat or guarding.

That is why counselors always advise women to not date using Match.com overly possessive and jealous men who have a violent streak. They tell women that his jealousy doesnt mean he loves them. They are correct. If a guy tries to make me jealous he is basically telling me that my feelings are not safe with him, thus I get angry. I also get angry because I know the immature jerk is trying to pull off a stunt with me, so I get doubly angry.

Your BF would have to be a blooming idiot to not see her agenda. But sometimes people are weak and need the attention from others for whatever reason, even if it means hurting you a little to get more attention from you.You could mention something in passing, the next time he brings her up, like how it seems a little inappropriate that she and he are still in contact. Or that it appears like she is trying to change his opinion of you. And ask him his thoughts about it."he always wants to there for others and can't say no!" he can, but chooses not to so that everyone thinks he's a great guy. I dont' find this to be a desirable trait in a person because it never ends.

So the cycle never stops. As far as your friends flirting with your BF - then they are not your friends and I would drop them. The ones that are moaning and groaning aren't people who are good friends either because for some reason they don't want you to be part of the "living it up" - only THEY can experience it. Selfish.The only time it went against me was with my second ex husband. He didn't perceive anything wrong with being in contact with an ex one night stand.

He did reduce contact on a one-on-one level, but we did run into her in group settings. I was okay with the group settings because she rarely attendedbecause when she did have a guy in her life...she didn't need my ex or his friends anymore so she would disappear. My ex did have feelings for this girl and they did attempt to have sex one night but he couldn't complete the act. She never attempted to rekindle that scenario. However, they continued to flirt.

I grew to dislike her because she used to make plans with people and then just hang them up to dry and not show up. She did this to me as well. She was a user and probably still is. When we first started dating (online dating with Match.com) he told me about her and that night that they spent together and then I told him about a casual relationship (thru Match.com) I had with a guy at our company. The guy who I did sleep with had no animosity about me dating (online dating with Match.com) my ex husband.

Meanwhile...he had a lot of nerve getting annoyed because I had to deal with 2 of his other exes in my dept. But he's a big baby. The problem with this situation was that he harbored anger and animosity that he did cut off the one-on-one contact but never told me so his rage eventually came out in other wayshe had a "mommy complex". Mom did everything for him but he resented it and didn't treat her very well. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

He's a momma's boy because he cant think for himself. He eventually became so unhinged that we did divorce. His lifestyle was such that his exes were part of his social group. I never want to be in that situation again. It is a very undesirable position to be in.

And even if they weren't catty or bitchy there is still that competitive attitude and demeanor that makes the evening drag on real slow. Who wants to be surrounded by someone's past? After a while you realize that he is more trouble than he's worth. I had to endure too much to get too little...

Comment #17

Snafu your advice seems like the right way to go...As for your ex it sounds as though it was a nightmare!..

Comment #18

A short dress - killer heels set the scene what followed came straight from the heart. Hi all based on all of your posts I decided to talk to him STRAIGHT about what was annoying and bugging me...basically about the emotional distance and about him being contradictory and finally about always setting the tone and time of when we meet. I told him that I felt he was still a boy not wanting to grow up and take responsibility for his life...This at the end of a great date using Match.com where I was my happy funny quirky self decked in killer heels a short dress and a visit to the salon prior. If you are going to lay on the line you may as well do it in style...I was very calm and amongst all of it I made sure to mention that I am very keen on him and I want things to progress yet he confuses me and I don't like the way I am feeling. He was floored - he listened intently all he said was give me time, I admit I came into this relationship (thru Match.com) feeling insecure and I am dealing with many things of my oen and trying to make sense of what is hapenning in this relationship. I said ok The next morning he called me and said that he respected that I had the 'balls' to talk like that and that he deserved to be put in perspective because I was right in what I said and that he did have a lot of groing up to do...that he loved me more for showing how much I cared by telling him what the missing I was feeling...Since then (this happened two nights ago) he had called me out of the blue twice - asked if I was free rather than expecting that I would be...and I feel that he is a little closer. What this has taught me - despite the outcome that may follow is OPEN UP be calm and never be afraid to voice your opinion....if a man wants a real woman he will respect you more..

Comment #19

Congrats! I hope he keeps up the effort. It is always best to talk things out with someone nice and calm if you can. If nothing changes as a result of discussion then at least you can say that you tried."that he loved me more for showing how much I cared by telling him what the missing I was feeling..."> I like this. My ex didn't appreciate me or my efforts and that is why he is an ex.It's great that the two of you share a similar way of communicating and viewing how people who are in a relationship (thru Match.com) are supposed to act when demonstrating love. Because of that your conversation went well. "and I feel that he is a little closer.">that should lead to him opening up more too.Have fun!..

Comment #20

Communication - in a casual but direct way - is really the only way to know what's going on in the other person's head.  Yes "man speak 'and "woman speak" are often different and subject to over analyzing and mis-interpreting so that is why trying to really express your feelings and understand the other person's is so important..

,..

Comment #21


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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