Settling: is this real or not?

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How do you tell if you really have feelings for someone?I have been friends with this guy for about a year. Over the past few months we've been spending more time together, usually in a group, but he's begun initiating one-on-one events too. We've also been talking on the phone a lot, he always calls me. The past week or so he's called almost every night. My friends suspected a couple months back that he has a thing for me but I scoffed it off because he's naturally a very sweet person so I really didn't think it was specific to me. A couple days ago he admitted it though that he has quote "a huge crush on me".

I'm confused if he's growing on me as a function of spending more time together or if I actually do have feelings for him. Like, is this real or not? I'm not used to guys liking me romantically I've always been somewhat the ugly duckling and tended to get all gooey if some guy just says hi. So given his more overt interest I'm not sure if I really do like him or if I'm just reacting to the attention. I don't want to reciprocate and then feel locked in and like I've settled because that would just hurt his feelings and I really do value his friendship. Any thoughts?? Part of me hopes he'll just get over it but I don't want to lead him on either...

Comments (5)

Your question was: Settling: is this real or not?.

"So given his more overt interest I'm not sure if I really do like him or if I'm just reacting to the attention." this is a great question. When you think of him do you smile? Can you see yourself kissing him in a passionate way? Do you think of him in a sexual way? When you don't hear from him do you miss him?I can understand that you are concerned about it taking frequent get togethers for you to begin liking him in a romantic way, but sometimes you don't get to see a guy's personality until you spend more time with him. Sometimes it goes the other learn that you cant stand his personality, hehe. However, if a big part of you hopes that he just gets over it, then maybe you are right in assuming you are responding to the attention or...maybe you are afraid of getting hurt...

Comment #1

You're used to feeling like the ugly ducking and wanting guys who don't want you. Enjoy being the object of someone's attention, it sounds like you like him too.  Just spend time together - no promises, no commitments - and see where it goes.  If nothing else hopefully this will help convince you that yes, you are an attractive creature worthy of a great guy's attention.


Comment #2

Well I've pretty much decided. We went out to the jazz festival last Thursday. He was being kind of touchy feely. Not in a gross way, just like he was testing the waters to see how I would react. What sealed the deal was my response. Involuntarily I shied away from him when he would try to link arms etc.

So that pretty much sealed it for me. I'm a pretty physical person and when I have a crush on someone I love touching them - the whole goosebumps giggly thing is totally me. So for me to not want to touch him convinced me I really don't like him like that. Anyway before we parted ways for the night he came out and told me that he wants to be my bf and I explained (tried to explain) that I'm not looking for a relationship (thru right now but I'm enjoying my freedom w/o commitments and responsibilities. The other night I was talking to my girlfriend about it and she said he goes after just about everyone.

I don't think he's a player I just think he's fickle and a hopeless romantic. But I'm not one to be somebody else's flavour of the week. It really doesn't make a girl feel special you know?..

Comment #3

It sounds like you know yourself pretty well. It's good that you were open minded to exploring your feelings about this guy. I don't think you were his "flavor of the week". It sounds like he is just looking for someone to date using and he gets very enthusiastic about the prospects of dating (online dating with someone, and of course, getting laid, but almost in a desperate kind of way. If he is a player, he's not very smooth about it and made the mistake of doing the social circle - I mean women who all know each other - bad move - so he is not an accomplished player. An accomplished player doesn't make that mistake - he keeps his worlds very far apart.

He approached each of you within a very close time frame. It would be different if he approached your friend a year ago. But the way he handled it ... I would see it as "oh, so Jane rejected you so now I start to look good to you? Later for you." Yeah - I can totally see your point...

Comment #4

That's it exactly. Only the first girl to reject him wins the rest are in decreasing order of desirability...

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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