Seriously thinking of ending it today
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Hey guys. remember me? a couple of months back had posted here on going out with a married guy? cant find that post now. anyways, here's an update.....About 2.5 months back I started having an affair with a married and older Italian guy living here in bombay. I am 26, he's 45 (actually he told me hes 42 the first time. Lies...should have been more careful to begin with...). He's living here all alone, family back home in Italy.
I'm single, and was expecting him to be too. I found out he was married after I had already taken off my bra and were in bed. I almost laughed thinking it was a nice joke when he told me he was married. I was looking for a real relationship. but then soon after I knew that wasnt gonna happen, and rather than leave I changed my mind.
Had tried hooking up with strangers off the net to "normalize" sex again, but thankfully was too scared of actual sex to do it with any of them. Dodged a bullet there, coz I wasnt even worried about protection... Anyways, so was thinking 'this guy can help me overcome this fear of sex. plus he is married, so I wont be getting all emotional and 'where's this going'" I told him I was date using Match.com raped and he said we'll work at it together. soon we were having sex - all kinds.
Soon, it was ok even when I was sober. soon we were meeting everyday for sex. He's rich, and used to buy me gifts and dinners etc. That felt good. and he used to tell me how amazing/hot/sexy I look.
But ever so often, a little voice inside me said it's wrong and to get out of it. i've never had a proper relationship (thru Match.com) ever! so this was the closest i've come...So I drowned that voice with Mr Alcohol. and I told myself lies like 'i'm not married. so it isnt wrong for me to do it' or 'its not so bad. enjoy what you get now.
Right comes along?' At first we were just couped up in his hotel room all day. he wouldnt even come and walk me out. ashamed to be seen with me I guess. but soon after I told him I want to go out of the damn hotel room, he obliged and we started doing normal "oouple" things. that changed the equation.
Why do you wanna throw this away" Then exactly one month ago, in the midst of some really heavy sex I started bleeding down south (not period blood) (given in detail here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhgynconcern/?msg=15620.3&ice=ivl,searchmp). Lost over 1.5 liters of blood. The amazing thing is, WHILE I was bleeding from my vagina, he just got up, did some work on his laptop, then returned, turned me over and wanted to have anal sex! we do have anal sex, so tahts not the point. I mean i'm BLEEDING and he WANTS SEX. anyways, he took me to the hospital, paid all the bills etc.
So in the free time I have without him, have been thinking and thinking and thinking if I really wanna be with this guy. a month back I saw a picture of his two little boys lying around his room. they were smiling and had their arms around each other. seeing that picture made me cry and I felt like the most horrible person on earth. i'd even made a huge post on ivillage about the affair asking for advice, and every single woman said END IT.
That didnt have any impact on me as much as that picture of those two boys. since the past two weeks i've been reading Buddhist literature and doing some meditation. Buddhism talks about sexual misconduct and obviously what I am doing falls in that category. Still, something was holding me back from leaving. Then one night I was alone and bored, so like a lot of young people these days I whipped out my cell camera and took naked pictures of myself.
I even sent them to this Italian guy. his reply was 'i hope you are well and behaving?" BEHAVING? what the hell! who does he think he is to ask me that? i'm not like him- a cheater.. even though I owe nothing to him... That made me even more angry and I took more naked pictures of myself and posted them online for strange men to gawk at. The response I got was amazing.
That felt good. That got me thinking...gee, i'm young, single, sexy.. WHY do I need to settle for this married guy? even if I am without a guy, so what? better to live with my pride and conscience intact. So... am finally gonna email him soon and tell him it's over.
Any advice/support on how to do it? PS: I DO know relying on other men's comments about my looks is dangerous and am not gonna keep on doing it. I just needed that wake up call, I guess.a quick response would be much appreciated.Thanks...
Your question was: Seriously thinking of ending it today.
It is nice that you are getting involved spiritually and hopefully that can help with some of your internal emotional pain and guide you towards a life where you care about yourself enough to not do any of the things you have been doing, and that includes the pictures on the internet. If his behavior hasn't already told you that he doesn't care about you then you obviously are hooked into a cycle of behavior where you walk away hurt and dejected. this is where counseling can help you - it can help you identify why you do what you do to yourself so you can change the tape the plays in your head telling you that you dont' deserve more. I had a friend who had a terrible vaginal yeast infection and her BF at the time insisted on having intercourse anyway, AND SHE DID IT!! That...I never understood.If you want to break up with the guy just tell it to him like it is, just like you did here. But, be prepared for him to try to worm his way back into your life...
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Him accusing me of "not behaving" in his absence etc... Today morning am keeping myself pumped up by listening to anti-man songs like 'i dont need a man', 'strong enough' etc Thanks again yo'll. even though I didnt exactly heed your advice......
Hey you,This is the mail I sent yesterdayHey Chris,I cant do this anymore regardless of what this is or could be. Its just too much of a guilt trip for me. I want to thank you for your help (with my issues with sex, with the hospitalization etc).Wishing you all the best in life. Thanks.ZenobiaI made it a point to not say 'i'm sorry' anywhere in the mail. why should i? Even when I was bleeding profusely a month back and his whole hotel room looked like a bloodied murder scene, I was the one saying 'sorry'... why? did I injure myself? no.
And what do I do with his reply to above mail. should I just ignore or reply back that I have made up my mind and am not interested anymore?..
I wouldn't ever reply back. Like ever. Did I say ever? Yah. It's done. Unless you really want to keep this game going, sure, reply back. If you are truly finished, you wouldn't even think about answering him...
Yes, I am DONE with him. Finito. I asked whether I should reply or talk to him... whatever happened to acting like adults and ending it on a positive note, rather than hide from him forever. what if I run into him...? I think he'd have more to lose than me, but still.....
Just from reading what you wrote about all the things he's done to you, I wouldn't give him the time of day. This is someone I would ignore if I ran into him on the street.Yah, being adult, whatever... politely wave or say hello and move on. But definitely wouldn't go back and forth on e-mails. What's the point? I'm not sure that's really ending on a positive note. It's just dragging something out...