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Ready to commit or call it quits????

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Background: I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a great guy for a little over 3 years. We started out a bit rocky but we've both grown very close over the past few years and have fallen deeply in love. He's a wonderful guy (chivalrous, kind, supportive, great sex, dedicated, successful...and on and on). We've recently started talking about getting married and he wants to spring the big question soon.Call it Quits?In all honesty getting married at my age (22) and starting a family was definitely not in my life plans. The big part is the kids. I want to wait until my early 30's so my career is more established, travel volunteer work is complete (I am passionate about aiding in the recovery of disaster struck nations), and I feel a bit more 'ready'.

Although he supports the work I do (career and volunteer) he wants me to take fewer and less trips and think about joining our companies together. I currently work part time supporting his company, but I feel I don't have time to do more without compromising my own career. We don't share a lot of interests and we live very seperate lives in many ways. This said, somehow it just works. The problem is that we have different ideas of the future and we're both pretty stubborn about what we want in life.Ready to Commit?If I am going to get married and start a family he's the perfect man to do it with.

As I'm writing this I think I already know the answer to my own questions, but what if I'm making the wrong choice? I don't want to call it quits and then 5 years down the road wish that I could take it back. To this point in my life I have no regrets. I would like to keep it that way. Is it silly to give up the perfect man so I can follow my passions? The trouble is that I don't want to follow my passions alone, but in order to not be alone I feel like I have to give up part of my passions. To follow my passions I end up alone.HELP!..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Ready to commit or call it quits????.

I had mentioned to another poster that a man would have no problem leaving behind a woman to pursue his passions in life, and in theory, it should be the same for a woman. But many times it doesn't work out that way for women...unless...along the way...you meet a man in your volunteer work who shares your passion - that would be great!He sounds like a great guy who is almost 10 years older than you and now he is ready to settle down. You can't worry about not meeting another man, but decent people are hard to find these days, so times have changed for all of us and we have to rethink how we manage our lives.What exactly do you mean about joining your companies together?If you have different ideas of the future and have different life goals, then down the road you will part ways anyway...

Comment #1

You should be supportive of each other in your endeavors. You dont even have to combine them literally or figuratively. Getting married doesn't mean combining everything. You'll forever be your own person. That is important and that's how it should be. If you are having any doubts about marriage, then you shouldn't do it, bottom line.

I mean, these are all just my opinions so whatever. I am really young. Younger than you. But for me, my fiance is the only person for me in the whole world. I don't even have to think about it.

If you're confused maybe that is some sort of sign of something. I dunno what...

Comment #2

You clearly both care about each other a great deal and while I understand not wanting to have regrets later if you don't move forward now that could go the other way as well - marrying him and then wondering what would have happened if you had followed your passion.  And who's to say if you follow your passion now you won't meet someone else when the time is right, or that that someone might not be him?.

He is on a bit of a different time schedule than you but even so he's still young as well.  Perhaps try a few sessions of couples therapy to help you sort things out for right now, look at compromises, etc.

But again dont give up your passion under pressure, due to fear.  That wouldn't work ultimately for either of you.

,..

Comment #3

Thanks. I really appreciate the insight. We recently talked and it basically came down to the fact that he has been ready for a couple years and he doesn't want to keep waiting when I can't tell him how long he needs to wait. I can't blame him, but it still hurts me to think about losing such a great person. Bottom line, I think it is time we go our separate ways. Now my question is, how do I go my own way and do the least damage? He means so much to me.

I know it is what needs to happen, but I'm having a really hard time. Help?..

Comment #4

Thanks. I agree that if things are right I shouldn't have doubts like I do. I have come to realize that I should probably end things before I make him wait any longer for something that might not ever happen. I just don't know how to do it. I literally got sick last night just thinking about how to end things. I care so much about him and I don't want to hurt him. I know I have to hurt him somewhat in order to let him go, but how do I go my separate way and hurt him the least? Help?..

Comment #5

I dont know what to tell you. No matter how you handle it there will be hurt, pain and damage. The best way is usually straightforward with a "goodbye"...

Comment #6

The best thing to do is to break it off sooner rather than later, and to not contact him again once you do so.  If you maintain contact with him, it will just prolong how long it takes him to get over the failed relationship.

 ..

Comment #7

I'm sorry, I must've missed it... did he say get married or break up? Because you sound like you really care about him but just are not ready to get married yet. Maybe even if you just say you're not ready, he will understand and still want to stay together. If of course you're wanting to break up anyway, then yah, follow what everyone is saying. It is good advice...

Comment #8

<<As I'm writing this I think I already know the answer to my own questions, but what if I'm making the wrong choice? I don't want to call it quits and then 5 years down the road wish that I could take it back. To this point in my life I have no regrets. I would like to keep it that way. Is it silly to give up the perfect man so I can follow my passions? The trouble is that I don't want to follow my passions alone, but in order to not be alone I feel like I have to give up part of my passions. To follow my passions I end up alone.>>I haven;t read the other responses so there is likely some repeats:first of all - your gut instincts are never wrong. NEVER.

The reverse is never true. When you purse your TRUTH, your PASSION and your GOALS, you will find that yes, sometimes you do have to walk it alone - because it's YOURS and somethings YOU MUST DO - but walking alone sometimes doesn't mean all the time. The right people come along at the right time.If you have to give up part any or your dreams for someone else, your heart and spirit cry and slowly start to die. YOu become angry, depressed, agitated and most definitely unsatisfied. It is your choice to sacrifice YOUR dreams for someone else - but do so knowing that your soul will not go quietly.

It is the SMART thing to do - because when you are living and honoring what is in your heart - you get both when the time is right! But if you give up your dreams, that 'perfect' man you sacrificed yourself for will soon become someone you hate and resent. That life you chose will be a burden and have no joy.The right man at teh wrong time is the wrong man. No matter how 'perfect' he is. If you don't want to get married and have kids yet, then don't. Doing it for someone else is the wrong reason.

It doesn't sound like it's right for you right now. YOu know what is right for you - you can tell by what your body says - do you feel heavy and anxious when thinking giving up your dreams and doing what you are't 100% commited to? do you feel light hearted and energized when you think about following the path your dreams take you? Or is the reverse true? Don't let anyone talk you out of what is right for you - including yourself. You will regret it. You will never regret doing what your instincts tell you to do. A.

Toni..

Comment #9

Timing is an important element in relationships, again you're quite young with a lot of life left to live so don't make decisions based on fear of the future but anticipation of who you can become..

,..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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