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My first question is: Profiles on

My next question is: Hi!I am a very cheerful and energetic woman, but if I find someone attractive I completely shut down. I can't smile naturally and I feel like I have nothing to say. (I'm not shy, but around good looking guys I get very nervous!) But, if I am around people I am not attracted to (there is no other, nicer way to put it I'm afraid) I am myself, and these are usually the men who ask me out. That is a boost, because it means that if I could be myself I'm sure I could date using someone I'm actually attracted to! The problem is that I feel extremely shallow! Guys have been asking me on dates but I am not attracted to them. I have no idea how to respond. Should I just try it out even though I cannot see myself attracted to them in any way? They seem like great guys, but I know that if attraction is completely absent it can kill any relationship (thru down the road. I feel extremely lucky to have people attracted to me at all, so I feel awful being confused about this "problem".Thank you and have a great day!!..

Comments (12)

Your question was: Profiles on

There's a few things going on in your post: 1)how do you handle talking to someone who you find attractive without clamming up, 2)do you date using someone who at first you seem to have no attraction to, 3)are you shallow?.

1) what I have found from experience, the easiest thing to do (at first)  is to talk to the guy as though you are just buddies.  If you can psyche yourself into this mode then the initial conversation goes more smoothly and eventually, maybe you can relax enough to flirt a little.

2) if you can take the time to get to know some of these guys, you may discover that you are attracted to some of them on some level - attraction isnt all about surface appearance sometimes.

3) depending upon how old you are, you may discover that your taste changes as time goes on.  Some women have a definite "type" in their heads as to who they would like to date using - you may have that going on right now so if someone doesnt fit your type then you could be dismissing them..

Comment #1

Hey, I seem to have the exact same difficulty with dating (online dating with as you do.  In fact, I just posted a thread a few seconds ago before I read yours!.

I think attraction is a huge issue as well.  My friends and I joke that I'm shallow, but in reality, I really don't think I am.  I don't need to date using a super model, but he has to at least be attractive to ME.  There is no point (in my opinion) to dating (online dating with a guy who I am just really not attracted to.  I know that attraction can grow, but if I feel absolutely nothing for them, it's a good chance I never will. .

I wish I could give you advice, but unfortunately, I'm in the same predicament as you are Just thought I'd let you know that you're not the only one...

Comment #2

It's refreshing to see someone with LITERALLY the exact same issues I go through when I meet men.   I still am having a hard time trying not to clam up around guys i'm attracted to.  In fact I would like to know how I can get over that...

Comment #3

Hi missconjiniality,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Sometimes being yourself around people is a matter of pushing past your fears and just going for it and then not being to hard on yourself if you feel like you messed up.  We are all just out there trying to do our best!!!.

It can't hurt to go out with some of these guys!!  I think it helps to date using around.  We figure out what we really want in a man..

Good luck,.





Comment #4

Hi whatisnormal,.

Welcome to the board!!.

It is great when we share our stories and find that we are not alone. .

Hope to see you here often!!.




Comment #5

Hello!Thank you for breaking down the issues I was trying to convey in my message and for your advice. I will definitely keep what you said in mind! I do have somewhat of an image in my mind, and it is unfair and unwise of me to use that as a starting point for what I want.Thank you again!..

Comment #6

Hi Kristie!Thank you so much for your warm welcome and your advice!!It's a good idea to remind ourselves that we're not the only ones putting ourselves out there, so I will try not to think of it as 'work' but more as 'living'! It's unfair of me not to give people a chance from the get-go, so thank you for the advice to try it out. A date using doesn't mean marriage after all!Thank you again!..

Comment #7

Hi whatisnormal!Thank you for sharing, it feels great knowing I'm not alone. I know exactly what you mean about as long you're attracted you don't care kind of thinking. I'm not asking for a Johnny Depp look alike (although, if that's what God gives me I won't complain haha) just someone I could feel a spark with. But it's true that sparks don't come RIGHT away sometimes. And if it doesn't work out with the guys who do ask you out, at least you can say you tried. And what the other lovely ladies said on this board, you can also figure out what you want! Which means if a handsome man comes along you'll know he has more than just looks that attract you! (Knowledge is power, right?)Best of luck to us both and all women with our predicaments!..

Comment #8

Hello goddess_periwinkle! (such a cute name!)So nice to find out we're not alone! I hope you benefit from the great advice that the wise and lovely women have given me through this message board. For me, the more attractive a man, I feel that much more unattractive. Just saying that I know it's silly. When it boils down to it, no matter how good looking a guy is I have never liked someone who had an ugly personality. So, looks can get your foot in the door, but it's what's inside that gets you in! I am going to do my best to get over this, because you can only gain from it. dating (online dating with a range of men will give me insight and maybe I'll find that special One just by trying things out.

I hope you do the same too!! I realized I'm more likely to regret not trying things out than going out with a guy whose looks didn't make me swoon, you know? Best of luck to us both and to other women like us!..

Comment #9

Thanks for the advice and the encouragement.  I do find that the "attractive" guys often lack personality because they may rely on their appearance to do the work for them.  Why not date using a guy that actually makes me comfortable and where I can actually be myself?  I too am going to try my best to get over this. Like you said, the worst that can happen is I meet that special person. :-).

Thanks again and Good luck to us all!..

Comment #10

 MissConjiniality, I have a quick story to share and then I'll make my point. After reading your post, it TOTALLY reminded me of the girl I'm dating (online dating with now. She said she used to feel HORRIBLE, b/c all these 'good guys', would ask her out, but she felt NOTHING for them. She said she'd sometimes go out with these guys, just so that she wouldn't feel so damn guilty. Then she learned that these guys were not worth her time. She still felt bad about shooting down so many 'good guys'..

 I've mentioned this to another person with a similar issue as you, so... if you've read it already, GOOD. I think it's worth repeating..

 The reason why some people 'clam up', is b/c they are attached to an outcome. Let's take you for example. You do NOT 'clam up' around guys you're not interested in. Why? B/c you KNOW nothing 'sexual' will happen with them. The times you see or meet an attractive guy, you clam up, b/c you're attaching an outcome TO HIM. So, since there's a desired outcome attached, there is a possibility in YOUR MIND, that you could get rejected, HENCE the reason for 'clamming up'.

They see an amazing woman and FREEZE. We call this 'approach anxiety'.

 If you are SERIOUS about learning how to get over this, let me know. Let me know EXACTLY what kind of men you like. BE PICKY!!! BE CLEAR about what you like and dislike and WRITE IT DOWN!! It's kind of like making a 'grocery list'. BE EXACT..

 From there, you will have a clear idea of what you want. Without a CLEAR idea, it's like shopping at the mall, not knowing what the hell you're shopping for..


 Be well....


Comment #11

I agree with you Z..

I would add to your suggestion of making a list that the list focuses on what the OP DOES want - not what she DOESN'T want - which far too many people do.  For example: <<I want a man with a good sense of humor, who is available to and for me, who is confident and has his act together>> rather than << I don't want a cheater, or someone who can't make time for me, etc>> .

To the OP:.

You get what you focus on - so make sure you focus on what you WANT. Also, work on building your own self confidence - attractive people can be just like anyone else - they can be snobs or they can be very down to earth.  But as long as you see them as being 'out of your league' in any way, then they are - because you made it so. No one is better than you. Confidence is what is attractive.  Looks can turn heads, but it's the heart that build relationships.

Be who you are and trust that you are worthy of what you want in life. when you believe you are worthy of good things - then that is exactly what you get. As long as you are being the best you you can possibly be, then you will naturally begin to attract people who are well matched to you.

Best regards,.



Comment #12

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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