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Profiles on Match.com profiles that haven't been active in a long time? Why?

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My first question is: Profiles on Match.com profiles that haven't been active in a long time? Why?.

My next question is: I dated someone for 3.5 years and then things got sour and he ended up breaking things off, which was actually what I needed, but it was such a painful and horrible end. Things got out of hand and I was resisting the breakup for a long timeI got a bit crazy and would call/email/text him incessantly and he ended up just ignoring me and getting meaner and meaner. I finally snapped one day and accepted the break up and literally for 2 months did not contact him and flipped my life around. I started dating (online dating with Match.com) right away and going out w/friends all the time and felt really happy and was completley free of thinking about him. Then, after 2 months of no contact, he e-mails me, saying he's curoius about how I'm doing and he wanted to meet up. When we met, much to my reluctance, he said he doesn't want this complete silence b/w us and that he wants us to "communicate." Since then we've been emailing a couple times a week just to figure out a good time to exchange our belongings, but it was getting chaotic, so I suggested just swapping stuff via doorman, and he got upset that I didn't want to meet in person.



Why would a guy who treated me badly and broke things off after 3.5 years want to "communicate" after the break-up, considering how badly it ended? I assume if the break-up is that bad, no contact is the way to go. He says he doesnt want just emailing back and forth and doesn't want to hang out like friends, so what does "communicate" mean, and what is behind thisdoes he want to get back together?..

Comments (7)

Your question was: Profiles on Match.com profiles that haven't been active in a long time? Why?.

Some people like to stay in touch just in case they see that the grass isnt greener somewhere else - kind of selfish because it prevents you from completely moving on..which is the agenda...

Comment #1

Thanks. It's funny, when I ask my friends what they think, the guys say that my ex would not try to re-contact after how badly thing ended unless he actually wanted to get back together again, whereas my girl friends say that he is prob just lonely and misses me. I'm just shocked that after he was so adamant and harsh about breaking up, he would actually want to contact only 2 months after the break-up. What you're saying could be true then. I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a lot since then and been very busy with friends and just making myself happy again, whereas all I hear from him is how things are quiet, he's not dating, and he's got all these other issues going on in his lifeironic when he's the one who wanted to break up in the first place. Maybe he has realized that life w/o me isn't so greatsad, but this makes me feel better in a way.

Even though I know he's not good enough for me and not "the one," I've been getting emotional ever since he started contacting. For the 2 months before that, I was sooo free and happy and was dating (online dating with Match.com) 2 guys for those 2 months, and it was tons of fun, and now I feel the opposite. And this in turn makes me think that I must not be over him yet, which makes me even more upset and feel pathetic. I can't yet understand what I want. I miss so many things about just having someone who knows me so so well after 3.5 years. It's near impossible for me to open up to anyone in relationships, and even in 2-yr ones, I didn't, but this was the first time I fully opened up to someone, and I miss that b/c I know it will be forever before I can do that again. But I don't miss my ex in particular and all his bad traits, if that makes any sense.

If I knew he only wanted to keep me around "just in case" and just playing mind games, then it'd be much easier to cut off all contact b/c that's just wrong. But if he's lonely and wants something more or wants to get back together, that makes things harder. I was sooo ready during those 2 months to not talk to him for at least 6 months or a year after the break-up, and then his e-mailing started and has messed up my head!..

Comment #2

The thing you haven't mentioned is why you broke up, which may be relevant to why he came back.  For example, if he broke up with you to be with another girl, he could be back because it didn't work out with that other girl.  If he broke up with you because he became convinced there was this world of eligible women out there who were better for him than you, he could be back because he discovered that's not true, that from an objective point of view, once he got there on his own, you look great and he heard that you were dating (online dating with Match.com) others and he figured, I need to get her back before I lose her.  It just seems to me that the reason you broke up is important because it can tell you whether it will work this time.  If he left you for another girl, for example, I think it's doomed because the next attractive girl that comes by, well off he'll go again.  If he left you because he needed to look around at his options, maybe he has decided to fix things.  The thing is, sometimes I think we give men too much credit.  We think that they can meet someone, know she's the ONE right off the bat and so will pursue her exclusively and attentively.  The reality is, I think, that they can be ambivalent and insecure and their hesitancy shows their weakness, not a lack of ultimate interest.  So why he came back depends on why he left.  And that he left does not mean the relationship (thru Match.com) is doomed..

But what I'm really reading into your posts is that you don't want him back!  That you were happy, moving on, dating, and now that he's called you, you are unhappy.  So forget fretting about why he started calling.  Assume it is to get back with you.  It sounds from your post that you want it to be over.  So the best advice may be to forget about him, be strong, be confident, and end it!  Tell him, we'll exchange stuff through our doormen, and stand by that statement. ..

Comment #3

Oh, I've been there! Your words sound like mine a few years ago..

The fact that you were happy when you were moving on, but now emotional and upset when he is back in the picture is a huge sign. Just back up and look at that fact. I think for whatever reason he ended it, the fact that he couldn't handle not having you in his life but he wants to keep you guessing is just going to cause more anguish for you. I think you should keep moving on and now it's your turn to close the door on him-but not mean the way he did. Just end it. Exchange stuff through the doorman and move on...

Comment #4

"Even though I know he's not good enough for me and not "the one," I've been getting emotional ever since he started contacting. For the 2 months before that, I was sooo free and happy and was dating (online dating with Match.com) 2 guys for those 2 months, and it was tons of fun, and now I feel the opposite. And this in turn makes me think that I must not be over him yet, which makes me even more upset and feel pathetic. I can't yet understand what I want. I miss so many things about just having someone who knows me so so well after 3.5 years. It's near impossible for me to open up to anyone in relationships...".

I think I just said those same words the other day.  I broke up with my BF of 5.5 years.  Unlike you, I'm not convinced he's NOT the one for me (something I can't get over yet, but I'm trying).  During our few months apart I dated a few guys, who were all AWFUL in the end...either wanted to jump in bed, weren't accepting of my new-found "baggage", we egotistical, etc. etc.  And it's super discouraging..

Again, I'm thinking "is 'the X' the one??" If I can't even date, or figure out how to move on...should I?.

It sounds like you're alot further ahead than I am....You're not pathetic...dating is a cruel and unusual ritual we all go through.

If you've made the good vs. bad list remember the bad times, bad moments and try to forget the good.  I'm struggling with the same thing and feel like I'm failing at life without Matt.

It's funny what you said about the different reaction the guys & gals have who tell you why he's coming back.  The X has been pursuing me to communicate and I can't figure out if it's because he's lonely or if he's going to work on us the ways I had asked when we were together..

When you write that you were ready to move on during those two months, and expected to not talk to him for 6 months to a year, what were you/would you be looking for after those times had passed? I thought I wouldn't talk to the ex ever after sorting out all our stuff/money/etc. I know that a total lack of communication is the way to get over things, talking and texting aren't helping..

Good Luck in whatever decision you come to!..

Comment #5

Yes a complete break often is what is necessary for closure to take place. That's when you are psychially in a place to move on.

,..

Comment #6

"For some reason, I kind of want him to want me back and regret the whole break-up and how he treated me at the end, even though I'm not sure I want him in my life at all. ".

Of course you want him to want you back..it's vindication that you are a desirable woman..

"I've been getting emotional ever since he started contacting. For the 2 months before that, I was sooo free and happy and was dating (online dating with Match.com) 2 guys for those 2 months, and it was tons of fun, and now I feel the opposite. And this in turn makes me think that I must not be over him yet, which makes me even more upset and feel pathetic.".

His contact with you is toxic.  Stick with the fun and forget this guy.  You are emotional because your wounds havent healed yet - it takes time. Contact with an ex prevents you from fully healing and moving on - it's normal to feel that way whether or not you still have feelings for him.  And he knows that ... that is why he contacted you again..he is not ready to let you go yet because things didnt turn out the way he expected.  What a bum.   The upsetness you feel is not about him - it's about you.  If you feel good when he is out of your life....then go with THOSE feelings - not the ones that are being manipulated all the time by him...

Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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