Precautions to take with

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My question is: Precautions to take with

My 2nd question is: HI,I am known him for 2 years but in that time I was mostly living in one part of the country and him in another. He used to call occassionally, we would catch up and that was that. I guess right in the start it seemed he was interested but I wasn't at all. He is MUCH older so I never pictured myself with him. Plus I just thought he was just so mad - super competitive, very into work, money, possessions, always super busy, takes trips ALL the time. Really pushes himself VERY hard.

I can push myself hard but in general I like to take more time. Anyhow in those 2 years he dropped hints about me going traveling with him on some of his trips but I never found the idea appealing because it always sounded so rushed. He will fly to Cuba from South Africa for 10 days whereas when I fly to the States from SA I go for a month cos I hate jet lag etc and I don't like to rush.Anyhow one day he flies me to his city cos 4 some reason out of the blue I now feel like traveling with him, purely platonically I am thinking. So I get to his house and I am feeling v awkward cos I consider him a friend so I don't want to lead him on but at the same time I am definitely not thinking romance. He is sitting there all googly eyes and I am just nervous.

After spending a few days at his house I passed him in the lounge and I just hugged him. How bizarre, now where did that come from? So for the next few days I hug him good morning and goodbye and then one day when he drops me off at the mall we kiss. I had been feeling like I wanted to kiss him goodbye for a few days b4 but it always got awkward and we just hugged. This day he actually worked up some courage and says "come on kiss me goodbye". That evening he took me out for dinner ( at my suggestion) and at dinner I asked him what's up.

I was so happy. I still don't know where this all came from. How I got from friends to romance I mean. So that night we make love. Oh boy did it suck.

The next thing we are talking about my g/f upcoming wedding and I mention a dress I saw in the mall that day and then he offers to buy it. woo what? It was a v expensive dress. After the bad sex I was about to dump him, I guess he read my mood and decided to buy himself some time and buy me this dress to keep me distracted for a bit. Well it worked. Our sex life has improved loads since then, every time we make love it just gets better it's not perfect yet but I still enjoy it lots.

Its actually very tame but 4 some reason I really love it. He seems happy too only he is worried cos he hasn't managed to bring me to orgasm yet. He sucks at oral sex, really.Ok So we date using long distance for 1 and half months. In that time I see him 3x - 1st time for 3 days, second time for 5 days, 3 rd for one day ( we had a 5 day trip planned) but on that 3rd trip every single wheel came off. it was horrendous.

We were being intimate and he was not succeeding in the oral sex department and I just got so impatient and frustrated. It had been almost 2 months and he still couldn't bring me to orgasm and trust me lesser men have succeeded so I was feeling VERY frustrated. So I insulted him. He got so angry that he left. He left me basically in the middle of nowhere, with no transport , place to stay or way of getting back home.

I was so vulnerable and so hurt. I had to stay at a friends and then get friends to give me a lift back to civilization. I felt bad about what I had said so I called him to ask if I could come to his place. He said yes cos he wanted to sort things out. So there we are happy as 2 lovebirds again for 2 days and then boom another fight this time, A HUGE FIGHT! HUGE! He was just home from work and I was watching the news, something interesting was on and he started fiddling with the sound.

He is always accusing me of nagging or whining and I don't get it how asking him to hang on with the sound so I can just finish listening to something makes me a whiner. anyhow HUGE fight HUGE! I tried to ignore him at first but he is telling me to f*** off and he doesn't want a relationship (thru and he is shouting in my face, said the nastiest things to me. Basically insulted everything about me. I tried to sort things out but that only made it worse. he got nastier and nastier.

He didn't care he just went to bed. So me still crying goes to his room and he gets so angry with me that he ends up hitting me on my kidneys. He really scared me, I thought he was going to do worse. He was raging mad.I was terrified. I slept in the spare room and locked the door.2 days later he got me a flight back to my city.

Since then he has 1/2 heartedly tried to get me to go see him and I sort of agree to go but at the last minute we just fight and it doesn't happen. About 2 weeks after the fight I had a really bad fall, concussed myself. I wanted him to come see me but he had other plans with his friends so he said he couldn't. Then for all of this month ( June) he has stuff on. He is always like this, booking up his whole life with fishing, cycling, friends or family and there is never anytime left 4 a relationship.

I have told him it's really important to me that he calls me everyday when we are apart and he agrees but he never does it. He also rarely compliments me and he often says he is going to call me later but then he just doesn't.So basically our issues are:his temper ( I asked him to see an anger management person, he agreed but still has not made the appointment)I don't know if I can trust him to not leave me somewhere else if we fight.He doesn't respect meHe hardly ever callsHe puts work, money, friends and relatives b4 us.He keeps saying that he is in love with me, that it's only a matter of time before I am his no 1 priority, that he will see the therapist, and that he will call me everyday, and that he will stop booking his life full so that we can have lots of time together but alas almost 3 months into this and it's definately not moving forward. In fact it looks stalled or moving backwards. I also have a sneaky suspicion that come July he is going to want to go travelling and that he is going to want me along and THEN he will pull out all the stops to make me happy. I have seen how he is with every area in his life, he puts in LOTS of effort when he wants something.I don't just want to be his travelling g/f tho and always fit in with his schedule.

He retires in a year from now.Boy am I confused. thanks..

Comments (5)

"So basically our issues are:his temper ( I asked him to see an anger management person, he agreed but still has not made the appointment)I don't know if I can trust him to not leave me somewhere else if we fight.He doesn't respect meHe hardly ever callsHe puts work, money, friends and relatives b4 us."I hope you read this over and over again, for me I would at least hope that's enough to convince me to move on and find someone more worthy of me and who doesn't require therapy to be a good choice of a boyfriend...

Comment #1

My quick story: exH and I fell preg within 4 months of meeting. (bc failure) One a night at a party I asked to go home due to morning sickness. He screamed abuse, drove 100 mph to take me home, pushed me from the car as I ruined his night out and dragged me into the house to avoid being an embarrassment with the neighbors. Before then he was *perfect*. 13 years, 4 children later he never changed - only got worse. He was a great money maker and I stayed thinking he would change as he did the sorrys and all that garbage.

Of course all this had to be learned (i was pretty thick headed being in love and all)You need to rethink this man and quickly. If he is treating you this way and youre only in the newish stages of relationship, I would hate to think how he behaves when he gets weary of a few years worth of your "nagging" A good way to see the truth is if your Mother/bestfriend/sister explained that this was happening to them, what would you tell them to do? Good luck...

Comment #2

Older men with younger women doesn't often work out for a lot of reasons. I dated a man 15 years older than me for several years and in the end it just didn't work out. Now, what I'm going to say does NOT excuse him from deserting you or hitting you, not at all. He was an idiot and I definitely wouldn't go back to him. He was way out of line and he could have really hurt you. That being said: .

Dealing with a man over 50 isn't like dealing with younger men. Not in the slightestit's a whole new ball game. Sexually, it takes a lot of patience when you are with an older man. They are not as visually oriented as younger guys, who can get off just by watching you undress. Although this isn't true of ALL men that age, many of them do have sexual problems due to other health issues that you may be unaware of. After my ex had heart surgery, it was a good 6 months before he could sustain an erection.

High blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol are other causes. My point is, the guy may have been as frustrated as you were. And I gotta be honest here: you should not have insulted him. Never, ever insult a man's sexual prowess even if you're thinking it. EVER.

You can be disappointed that he couldn't bring you to orgasm. , but there are other ways. If that wasn't working, you could have tried something else. You didn't have to do what you did. (Did you even think to help him out a little bit? Use your hands or tell him what you want? They're not mind readers, either.) If you couldn't have an orgasm, maybe the fault is yours, not his.

Another issue is the control thing. Older men are so afraid a younger woman is going to leave them, so they tend to try to control her. "What if she leaves me for a younger, better looking guy? What if I can't please her in bed?" (I heard this all the time.) And younger women tend to do exactly what they want because older men are usually far more secure financially and they don't want to lose that. My ex told me I was the oldest woman he'd ever dated. His last girlfriend was 20 years younger than him. Well, I didn't need his money and the very first time I told him that I was a grown woman and he wasn't going to push me around, tell me what to do, or run my life, he stopped.

He had to learn to give me space to do what I wanted instead of trying to control it. It took awhile, but he did manage it. And we were both happier for it.

I say continue this relationship (thru at your own risk. Personally, I wouldn't, but that's me. I think you need to grow up a little bit and learn how to treat men with respect before you demand respect from them. He doesn't treat you with respect? Well, you weren't exactly sensitive to him, either. Instead of asking if there was a problem, you immediately lashed out at him and insulted him. I think you need to take a good long look at yourself before you get into any relationship, much less this one...

Comment #3

Hi and welcome to the board. It sounds like you two have a lot of issues between you. Maybe these links will help you:.

5 Secrets of Successful Long-Distance Relationships.

Long-Distance Love: Making it Work.

Does absence really make the heart grow fonder?.


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Comment #4

I just don't see how you can be confused by all this....

Helllllooo??!!  He's already left you and the relationship. You have both lost the trust of each other...he doesn't trust you as far as insulting his ego (u did, in a huge way!) and you don't trust that he won't leave you stranded again...not to mention him hitting you!!!!!!!!!!!!!   That alone should end it..

He doesn't call you as he promises...he hit you.....swears at you and call you both obviously have no respect for each other.....

How can you be confused by all this?!  It's a no brainer...the relationship (thru already ended, and to go on pretending is only going to get you into deeper trouble....he's using you now and the next time, you will have wished you ended it along time ago...this is how abusive relationships exist..

Wake up...

Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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