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Please Help! What's He Doing?

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Okay - to make a very long story short...On August 26, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me. This was preceded by a two-week "break" that I asked him to take because I couldn't sleep near him knowing he didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. He said it had nothing to do with another girl, or even that he wanted to date, but that he does love me...etc. He said that he didn't know if this is what he wanted for the rest of his life, why he isn't ready to marry me yet...He said he doesn't really know why - that he felt it was just the best thing for us to do at the time. He didn't talk to me for a week. I saw a girl's car at his house the following Saturday and called him to pick up his stuff.

I asked if she had anything to do with our break-up. He insisted no and that she has a boyfriend and they are just friends from childhood - in fact, other people were there too (which I later learned to all be true). Anyway, Labor Day he came to get his clothes. He made sure I was there when he did and he visited for about 2 hours. We watched tv and talked about things.

He kissed me a bunch (of course I was so mad but I let him - I love him...). He made remarks about going through his clothes to get rid of stuff "this when if I do come back I will only be bringing 4 bags instead of 8" and told me he'd call me. Two weeks pass and I hear not one word from him. I hear from his brother (who likes to cause turmoil) that the same girl that was over that week was over the following 2 Saturdays (at parties with other people, however) - but that was the only day she visited and apparently from what HE knew, he didn't talk to her much...Okay. Honestly, I don't think she is really a part of the situation but I figured I'd include it in case.Sunday, Sept.

I get a repeat message the following morning followed by a "what you wont even say hi?". I still don't answer. Tuesday he sends a message "still not responding?". Finally Wednesday he texts again "please can we talk?" So I write to him that if he wants to talk he should call me. He does.

He asked why I wouldn't respond at first, I told him that I didn't want to break up and I still want to be with him, so if he is just trying to be "friends" then I can't do it because if he sees someone else I will feel like I am getting broken up with all over again. He says he understands. So I tell him I think it's a good idea not to talk unless he is thinking about being us again. We get off the phone on a good note. He texts a few more times and calls back! We flirt for a few minutes on the phone and he says that he misses talking to me like that.

Ok. Now, Thursday he texts me all day and ends up stopping at my house. He waits for me to get home even though I am not there. We go in, talk, flirt, and eventually have sex. I know! Classic mistake! I heard all about it.

And I did want to so...Friday he texts me all day. Ends up telling me he is just hanging out at home watching tv with his parents. I am out & tell him so. He asks where, with who, etc. (okay, we are 25 & 26 sorry I neglected that before) Saturday he texts me early in the evening asking what I am doing & I am going to a hockey game.

During the game he texts to ask score, etc. He texts at end of game & then asks what else I am doing. I ask him the same, he says he is home watching tv. I tell him he can text me later that I'll be around he says "I'll be home." Sunday he texts me again in the afternoon. Then that night he calls me around 8pm & asks what I am doing.

He tells me about his work schedule coming up, his golf tournament, stuff like that. He then tells me he wants to stop over for alittle if that's ok. I tell him ok. I tell myself "no making out!" So I get to the house, he's there. We go in and we talk, we flirt, we watch tv.

Now I feel like crap because I feel like he is only coming over to have sex even though we talk all week and that we don't start off all like ripping our clothes off and stuff..we are just hanging. I tell him he has to stop coming over to do me! That I need dates or some kind of commitment. I know to him it doesn't seem like I do because I keep sleeping with him but we've been together for 6 years - hard to turn those feelings off when I didn't want to to begin with. We talk on the phone after that and I tell him that I can't be "just friends" with him OR "friends with benefits" so if that's what he's going after to please stop. He says he doesn't know what he wants but that he isn't hanging out with any other girls (he doesn't say he's not "talking to" anyone so maybe he is, I don't know...).

I ask him what his problem is then. I tell him "obviously you are attracted to me still" (he says, 'obviously') "and you still love me" ('i do') "and we have fun together as friends?" ('yeah, we do')"then what is it? why are we broken up?" he says it's hard to explain. Maybe it has something to do with marriage - that's he not AFRAID to get married but .... Maybe things got boring....Maybe...he doesn't know what he wants to do. Okay, so Monday I don't hear from him at all (he works in Ohio every other week so he left that day).

Wednesday he texts me about if I am having fun and when do I get back? Thursday he texts me about the baseball game I went to. He flirts about seeing me on Friday and that he can be nice and we do some teasing. Right before he goes to sleep - long after I ended messages - he texts goodnight. Friday morning I return and he texts "make it back ok?" We text alittle about the flight and the day - he asks if I am going to work. Stuff like that.

(Make no mistake, pet names and inside couple jokes that we had have been coming into play since the first phone call...sorry, I didn't mention that). Friday night he sees me leaving with a guy friend to go to another hockey game. He texts me later about not saying hi and asks if I wasn't where he was. Here he ends up calling and telling me that he saw "that kids" car that I was in leaving when I saw him and he thought we were in the same place. I explain that "that kid" is just a guy I work with and there was a third person in the back seat.

He says he is going to a bar if I want to stop by. But I decline. He says they are only going for one - that he'll call me when they are done. He texts 20 minutes later asking if I want to go to his house to hang out (he is staying with his mom). I debate with myself but end up going.

We watch tv, talk, flirt, make out alittle. He tells me that he loves me "you know that right?" and again that he'd do anything in the world for me. Then he is trying to kiss me and I won't let him. He asks me why and I say that I don't know where his lips have been. He smiles - we do some more flirting.

I tell him that I feel like he is trying to talk to me and see me so that he can keep me on the side just in case nothing better comes along. He gets a really sad and hurt look on his face - I mean genuine - I know the guy after all (I know his pretend "damn, you caught me" face and this wasn't it). He tells me that he is calling me because he wants to talk to me, that he wants to see me, etc. That it would be easier for him to not if he was playing. He tells me to please not feel that way...and so on.

I tell him not to talk to girls, etc. and he says he really isn't - that I'm the only one he kisses or wants to kiss. That any other girls he talks to are "okay, but they aren't YOU". So we flirt, make out alittle more. Then he stops.

I am like "What" and he says "will you please stay here with me tonight?" I explain that we can't have sex so...I don't think it's a good idea. And I am sticking to it. He says he understands and all that but he keeps asking me to please stay that he just wants to cuddle with me and lay with me. I look at him skeptically and he says "I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll probably try stuff..." and we both laugh. But I am all saying no.

I know you are all groaning and going "idiot girl" but I wanted to stay. So I did stay. Now, this is his mom's house. We are risking her seeing me the next day and all that can of worms. So we originally lay down to sleep.

Then we wake up (I think my phone rang or something) and we kiss alittle and it freaking leads to sex. I know...but see, that obviously WASN'T his intention because we were sleeping...you know? So we cuddle more - go back to sleep. (Oh, I did peek at his phone when I had the chance. There are a few girls' phone numbers in there, however, I haven't looked at his phone since we broke up - actually since Aug 10 - so I don't know how long he has had those numbers or even if he still talks to those girls...I saw some recent txts to me and one to a girl but it was just in response to hers asking what he was doing "not much" was the reply...nothing overly flirty like our texts were. Some recent missed calls from girls but that's about it.

Next day I leave early but he cuddles and hugs me. He calls me that night to tell me about his day and we chat about his work and that it stinks he has to work on the weekend and so far away (it's another Ohio week). He says he did nothing that night besides get stuff packed and ready to go. Then he says he has to finish something and he'll call me back. He does.

I say going to sleep too. He says that he thought I was going to stay over again that night and I said that #1 he never asked #2 it was too late to go over (it wasn't but I am being too easy) and he says that he wants to cuddle with me and that he just sleeps better when I am near him...All that. So we talk alittle more and we get off the phone. Next morning he texts me at 7:30am to see if I am up. I am so he says okay that he is on his way to work.

And that's where I am right now. So here's the deal: I am so confused! I mean, I don't know for sure that he is talking to other girls. He may be. He may not be. He insists he doesn't "do anything" with anyone but me...He's not a good liar if he was lying and honestly, while we were first dating (online dating with Match.com) and together he would sooner tell me the truth and hurt my feelings then tell me a lie.

So I am inclined to believe him. Part of me thinks that this might be his slow way of saying he wants to get back together but part of me feels like he is kind of playing the field and including me in the play...if that makes sense. He has mentioned about "when do you think we'll be back together" or "do you really think so" smiling to me or has said "we'll get there" (when I mention about needing the bf/gf titles) so...How do I play this? Do I ask him to not talk to me until he is sure or do I still hang with him or what? I mean, I can't tell. I don't want to push him away if this is his slow attempt at getting back but I don't want to let him walk all over me and have the "girlfriend stuff" with me and flirt with other girls too. Please help any you can..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Please Help! What's He Doing?.

The bottom line is are you two headed in the same direction in life?  You want marriage  and it sounds like he is not interested in marriage.  I am wondering....if you told him that you were no longer interested in marriage...would he want to get back together? ..

Comment #1

Wow, he is playing you baaaaaaaaadd...I can't believe you are even letting this guy do this to you. Cut all the contact out if you want to do the right thing and MOVE ON...

Comment #2

Hi Snafu2006,.

Thanks for your response.  I had mentioned to him when we were on our "break" about not being in a hurry to get married (we aren't sure about kids yet and while yes, I do want to get married, I am not in a huge hurry to do so) and he said that while the pressure about not being ready yet was part of it, that wasn't the main issue.  He told me he isn't afraid of getting married.....

Meanwhile, yesterday he texted me from a client dinner he was at with his bosses, etc. to say hi.  Later on last night he called me and we talked for awhile.  We were talking just like when we were going out - we were teasing, flirting....all of that.  When we ended up getting off the phone, he text me again just to say goodnight.  When he used to go away when we were dating (online dating with Match.com) he'd always tease and ask me for pics of myself and he did the same thing last night.  Of course, I said, no, that'd he have to picture me in his mind for now.  You know with smiles and all that.  He told me too bad I wasn't there with him.  All of that.  So.....

I talked to my mom and sisters and they all seem to think that he really does miss me.  The thing is while I feel like this is his slow way of working back into something, I don't want to do anything more until we are exclusive and he can guarantee me that he wants to be.  I mean, he hasn't offered it yet but does make mentions about we'll get there...soon...All of that.  He insists he isn't talking to other girls but the option is that he CAN if we aren't together and I hate knowing that.  I don't want to push him away if he is trying to come back but I don't want to be that girl who he can sleep with .... and then one day he meets someone else and we stop talking.  I mean, I TOLD him all of that and he tells me that that isn't what it is.  So why not commit again now?  What's he waiting for?  My family seems to think he is embarrassed and isn't sure how to come right back....

Sorry but it's so aggravating!  I want to make him say one way or another but then again, I want to just believe that maybe the girls #'s I saw are from when we were not talking after we broke up and that nothing came of it and that he is like ignoring them or pushing them slowly away now or something.  There weren't any recent calls to them - just a text from the one.  Her saying too bad they didn't get to talk and him saying something that I can't remember (I know it couldn't have been flirty because I didn't try to memorize it - haha!).  And then all these messages to me. .

He knows I want to be together and it seems like he is moving that way so why is he prolonging this? ..

Comment #3

Some men (I am not saying your BF is one of them) "train" their GFs by breaking up with them.  They have no real intention of breaking up with them for real, but if there is a dealbreaker issue or a trait about the women (ex., "jealousy", pushing for marital commitment) that needs a little work, the guys will break up with the women, but within a day or two make contact again and the relationship (thru Match.com) is reestablished..

I know you want a commitment that will ensure that your time spent will lead to marriage but if you just let things "be" for a while and not push him for that...he may respond.  However, if you are miffed at being played with (game playing - manipulation) then drop him because if this is his personality then he will handle things in the future in a similar fashion...

Comment #4

I tend to think he doesn't know exactly what he wants. But he'll keep you around because he knows you'll always be there for him until he figures it out. Do yourself a favor chica, don't be the good girl that waits around for the guy to make up his mind until he finally decides it's not you, but the next girl. That won't be a good feeling. If I were you, I'd ask him not to contact me anymore unless he makes up his mind about the two of you..

 ..

Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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