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Please, help me... I want to take The physical attraction test on match.com, but..?

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My first question is: Please, help me... I want to take The physical attraction test on match.com, but..?.

My next question is: So I'm a man with an issue.  I don't know if explaining it here will help, but I'm hoping for some insight as I just can't seem to figure it out on my own.  My heart tells me to stick it out as I know she's worth it, but my head tells me to just walk away now.  I've made my decision, as you can probably tell immeidately after you've read all this, but please, take a moment to respond if you have strong feelings about this as I'd appreciate a woman's point of view and input greatly in this matter.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this long post..

I've been attracted to a single mom of a teenage daughter (she's 33) who bartends for a living here in Las Vegas.  She's been in love before, as well as married, and her relationships (3 altogether, all long-term ones over the last 16 years) haven't worked out for her in the past.  She's afraid to get into another relationship (thru Match.com) because, according to her, "If I fall in love again and it doesn't work, this time I don't think I'm strong enough to pick up the pieces after".  She's reserved herself to the fact that she's not going to date using Match.com anyone, sleep with anyone or be with anyone from a relationship (thru Match.com) standpoint, here in Las Vegas as well.  Most of us men in this town suck when it comes to relationships and commitment, monogamy, open communication, honesty and all those other important aspects of maturity in our personal lives necessary in developing something intimate, loving and caring with a member of the opposite sex..

I know all this about her, because throughout the course of the past year, I met her through a friend and asked her out for about the first month and a half.  I spent the better part of the next 6-7 months getting to know her as a friend, and the last couple months having strong feelings for her that I probably shouldn't have because they're more than likely not reciprocated..

In the beginning I was told by her "I'm not going to date using Match.com anyone in this town and just don't have the desire in me to develop a relationship (thru Match.com) with anyone in that way.  If I did, it would be someone like you though".  I decided to let her know that my ego couldn't handle the rejection of asking her out repeatedly and it was obvious that wasn't going to happen anyhow, but that if her feelings ever changed, she would have to be the one to step forward and ask, as I didn't want to be rude and keep repeatedly asking like a dork.  I made it clear that unless I was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone else, I'd love to go out if her feelings changed, but that I'd also like to get to her know her better as well and being just friends was fine with me..

So I decided to get to know her better.  Over the course of 6-7 more months we became pretty close friends, we'd talk a lot, mostly because I would go visit her at her bar during my lunch break at work.  We'd talk about pretty much anything and everything, likes, dislikes, her daughter and family, my family, past relationships, sex, pretty much everything that two people getting to know each other as friends would talk about.  A couple times after work, she'd ask me to hang out and she'd stay and we'd have a drink or two.  We'd get a little inebriated and kiss at the end of the night, but that was it.  Early on, we'd both laugh about it and pass it off as us both being drunk, but I have to admit, it felt great..

I dated a few women during this time of us being "friends" as well, I didn't go looking for anything, but if someone asked me out that I found attractive in some way I'd take her to dinner or something.  None of them really panned out and the better I got to know the one girl, the less I wanted to see other people anyhow.  I decided to stop going out on dates anymore though when I was on one and imagined being with the one girl I liked instead of the woman I was actually with.  I considered this rude, and decided that somehow I had just become emotionally unavailable to date, even though I wasn't technically in a relationship (thru Match.com) with this woman..

We've recently discussed dating (online dating with Match.com) again, and this actually came up around the end of February, when we both got a little intoxicated one evening and at the end ended up kissing in her car again when I walked her out at the end of the evening.  The next day she tried to pass it off as us being drunk again like in the past and I confronted her on the issue again, saying "you know me better than that and I know you better than that, don't pass me off as some drunk hookup in the parking lot, it's rude and wrong".  She said I was right, but was unsure of herself and scared and needed some time to sort all of this out.  And I did too..

So we both took a little time to figure out what was going on between us and after about a week, when I was ready, I spoke with her to let her know, and she said she still needed time to figure it all out.  She quickly said she's not ready to date using Match.com and won't date using Match.com any men in this town.  I said okay, let me know when you're ready and give me a call.  I stopped going to visit her for a week or two, but I missed our talks and just being in he rcompany so I gave in and started going to see her again about 3 weeks ago..

Since then, we've fallen back into the "friends" routine of talking with each other, again only when I reach out to her and go visit, or text her.  If I stop texting or going to see her we don't talk or see each other for at most 3 days or so and she'll text me asking how I am and what I've been up to etc.  She's asked how I'm doing and I don't share as much anymore and say "things are good", or "fine".  Sometimes we discuss my work things and she's always been there for me and to listen.  I've asked her how she's doing and she says life is finally starting to "settle down again" and things are "getting back to normal" for her.  I don't want to pressure her, but knowing her as well as I think I do, she's not going to just pop out and say "I've decided, let's sit and talk please" unless I bring it up first..

But I haven't brought it up at all.  One of my fears is she's not going to make a decision unless I force the issue, and if I force it she may not be ready and we'd split off to "take more time" again and I actually do enjoy her friendship and company, even though I do want more.  I feel like I'm almost being punished by being kept in limbo, but I respect her feelings and fears because she's shared her past and what's happened with her and she doesn't let many people in to begin with, which makes me feel special already..

She's made it clear that she doesn't want me to "waste my time" as I have so much to give for "someone who is ready to receive it" and that she's not the woman for me and she's sorry because she desperately wishes she could be.  I explained to her that of all the decisions that need to be made here between us if there is an us, whether or not she's the one for me is one of the only one that is 100% my call.  I told her if she ever wanted to "get rid of me" from me pursuing her, all she has to say to me is that "You're not the guy for me" and I'd be gone immediately.  She has a habit of pulling me close when she opens up and then she gets really scared and pushes me away just as far as she just pulled me in.  Lately, the more she lets me in, the further she pushes away so it's difficult for me to tell if she really doesn't want me to pursue her anymore.  So I try to make it crystal clear what her "out" is if she wants that.  She's never used that "out".  If she did, I would walk away.  She repeatedly says when she's feeling ultrasensitive and needy that she "needs someone strong enough to be my man".  I wish I knew what that meant so I could figure out if I'm that guy or not....

Every gut feeling I have tells me to wait for her, to just be patient and eventually her floodgates will open and that last wall will drop and there she will be and we can actually see exactly what's there between us.  From getting to know her over the past year, she's explained to me her fears, her wants, her desires.  I pride myself on the fact that I can communicate my feelings as well as listen intently and know that if I don't know something, I just need to ask for clarity so I can understand it so there's no confusion.  I'm a strong man, strong enough to put myself at risk of rejection and let my feelings be known, but also strong enough to not let myself be taken advantage of or stepped on in any way.  After getting to know me throughout this past year, I feel she knows me just as well as I know her..

Here's my dilemma.  I feel the same way she does about the opposite sex in this town.  I've been engaged twice, have no children, been single for almost two years when I had first met her, and had resided myself to the fact that I probably wasn't going to meet someone worthwhile in this town and I was okay with that.  Somehow, in an a** backwards kind of way, I've become involved in, from my side anyhow, what FEELS like every aspect of a relationship (thru Match.com) except the physical parts.  I've never developed a relationship (thru Match.com) as friends first, it's always been basically dating (online dating with Match.com) someone right from the get-go and sleep with them almost immediately, then end up with them for 5 years or so..

This sort of snuck up on me.  Whatever it is, whether it's just a friendship or more, I enjoy her company on whatever level we get to spend time together.  I get frustrated though because I definitely DO want more.  We literally have NEVER been on an actual date using Match.com and I've known her for almost a year now, yet I have feelings for her that I honestly didn't have with either of the women I was engaged to in my past..

This seems unhealthy and dysfunctional to me, and I know it probably is, as she hasn't communicated to me if these feelings are reciprocated at all.  I've told her I have feelings for her.  I've told her it's frustrating for me, but she seems either unwilling or incapable of taking that next step forward for fear of taking the risk.  Or maybe she's just not interested and is being nice.  I feel that she's attracted to me by some of her actions, but then other times I feel like she's not.  I get so confused about all this and have no clue what to do here.  This is getting much longer than I anticipated, so I'll leave the rest up to you please..

Sincerely,.

The Hopeful Thoughtful Romantic..

Comments (1)

Your question was: Please, help me... I want to take The physical attraction test on match.com, but..?.

Did you read my post?  Please read it again..

She is wishywashy.  She has not given you a real answer.  If she's not flat-out uninterested, at the very least, she is NOT READY. .

Keep her as a friend, if you want.  It's just going to be torture for you tho, since you're so into her and clearly she's not that into you.  But I would not be waiting around if I were you.  It's not romantic to wait-in this case, it is pathetic, imo.  It's not like this person is in Iraq or has a disease, something like that to be waiting for.  Seriously..

Keep dating (online dating with Match.com) other women as you've been doing..

 ..

Comment #1


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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