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Out of all the Internet dating sites which is the best? eharmony.com, match.com, yahoo personals?

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My first question is: Out of all the Internet dating sites which is the best? eharmony.com, match.com, yahoo personals?.

My next question is: I have been friends with this guy for a long time.  He was in a bad relationship (thru Match.com) and asked me for advice,  I was very truthful and honest with him and told him that he needed to get out of the relationship.  I also was in a bad relationship (thru Match.com) where the guy I was seeing broke up with me and later I actually caught him cheating with another girl.  My and my guy friend both got out of very bad and painful relationships around the same time and have been very supportive of each other.  Recently, my friend and I became intimate with each other.  I think it was purely out of need to be wanted for the both of us and to give each other emotional support on another level.  We either call each other or text each other daily, but recently I have noticed that he has become more distant.  I started to wonder what was going on with him, wondering if he was just trying to break off the ties between us.  This made me wonder if I was developing feelings of more than friendship for him.. I am scared of getting close to anyone after my bad breakup, but I love spending time with this other guy.  I start missing him if I don't hear from him or if I don't see him.  I had been hearing rumors that he was seeing another girl, and I have to admit got somewhat jealous.  So, I decided to have a talk with this guy earlier tonight before writting this.  He told me that he had backed off because he had started having feelings for me and that he was scared also.  As for the other girl he says that they are "talking".  He says that he is confused and scared also and is trying to find out what makes him happy.   I actually confessed to him that I didn't like the idea of another girl.  He responded to me and said that it was good because that meant that I had strong feelings too.  He says he has strong feelings for me and that he has never met a girl like me.  That was scaring him too.  he also says that we will be friends no matter what happens.  I am so confused right now!  Do I give him space, time, both?  Can someone please help decode what he really means?  Is there hope for this relationship?  I  think this guy has such a beautiful heart and he is very kind and giving.   I think I am falling for him, but I am scared also and holding back.    Help me please!!!..

Comments (19)

Your question was: Out of all the Internet dating sites which is the best? eharmony.com, match.com, yahoo personals?.

Someone please help me because I am confused and don't wanna ruin our relationship!!!.

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Comment #1

It means that the two of you are attracted to each other but acting like chickens...the two ofyou have to just jump in and see what happens...

Comment #2

I'd back off and let him make the next move.  He knows how you feel, now it's up to him to act on it..

Sheri..

Comment #3

But what about this other girl?  I know he has been seeing her too.  She is much younger than him and they have been spending an awful amount of time.  I thought maybe she was the reason he backed off also.  He will text me but it's mostly friendship things not romantic.  Do I need to be worried about this other girl?  She seems to be the type he goes for. ..

Comment #4

What about her?  It's normal to date using Match.com more than one person for a while to figure out who you want to be exclusive with. .

If it's meant to be, it'll work out.  No use sweating itit's not like you have any control over what he does!.

Sheri..

Comment #5

That is so much easier said than done!  I know I shouldn't worry about this other girl, but I feel he is pushing me to the side to be with her.  He also gets more opportunity to be with her.   Is there any advice you could give to help me have an edge?  .

Also, I forgot to mention that after the conversation between he and I, we were intimate again.  Now I am going crazy knowing I am working tonight and he is with her.  I can't help that.  But I do need to know what should I do next. ..

Comment #6

Nothing...you should do nothing.  And definitely don't sleep with him again unless and until he's committed to be exclusive with you..

If he's pushing you aside to be with her, then that's his choice.  Don't demean yourself by chasing after him.  He knows how to find you...and in the meantime, you should be talking to and dating (online dating with Match.com) some other guys yourself..

Sheri..

Comment #7

Let me see if I have the time-line straight.  You had this talk with him on the 31st, which was only two days ago, and ended it by having sex, and then you woke up in the middle of the morning and posted your question fretting about this other girl?  I mean, how much can he really care about her if he's just been intimate with you?  Think about it, if you were her and you'd been on these dates and spending all this time together, and then you found out that he was off having relationship (thru Match.com) talks and sex with this other woman (you), how would you feel?  Betrayed, I suppose. .

So either he's dangling both of you from the hook or you're being perhaps a bit paranoid here.  This could run both ways.  If he's dangling both of you from a hook, having sex with you and then the very next night going out with her, then you need to ask if this is really a guy you want to be with anyway.  Yuck-o-rama (as my daughter would say).  But if you're being paranoid, then you need to relax.  It's hard to say, but I'm leaning toward thinking you're being a bit paranoid because you posted about your concerns about him supposedly pushing you to the side the very day after you were intimate.  To me, pushing you to the side would mean that weeks had gone by and you'd only gotten a few stray text messages..

So how to get the edge or what to do next entirely depends upon what's really going on here.   Have you talked to him at all this weekend?   Advising you not to call him might be the right answer here.  Not because of I believe in the he-should-chase-me principle (which I guess I don't, at the end of hte day) but rather because you may be in a needy place and needy is never a good reason to call.  So, has he called you?.

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Comment #8

Ok so let me give you the timeline here... the week before the 31st, I noticed that he was not calling or texting like he used to.. as in a day or so would go by as opposed to everday before then.  Around this week, I started hearing that he was seeing another girl.  Hearing this caused me to be jealous and made me realize that I had more than friendship feelings for him and then on the 31st I told him this.  All of his responses are at the beginning of the post.  But after talking with him on the 31st and telling him how I felt, we were intimate again.  On the 1st a friendly text about the GA/FL game early in the night... and then nothing for the rest of the night.  I heard that he went out with this girl last night and could still be with her, and as of this moment on the 2nd no calls or text but I can tell he has been online because he changed his online name.   At this point, I am assuming that he feels bad for getting intimate with me and just wants to be friends and wants to be with her.  So the answer to your last question is no, no calls or texts today so far. ..

Comment #9

Hmm, well, lots of potential scenarios here still.  Maybe he didn't know how you felt until you had your evening together and that evening reflected a deeper interest within him as well.   Maybe she has some control over him too, and he can't let her go.  Maybe he is feeling guilty.  Maybe he's a bit of a cad.  .

But don't call or text or e-mail him for a few days.  You need to wait a few days, primarily so that you can get your feelings under control.  It's the old adage, "sleep on it."  Time passes, you process the situation, come up with solutions, figure out how to heal, know where you are.  Let a few days pass before you take the next step.  Keep active, see a movie, read a book, take a walk, whatever.  See where you are mid-week next week.  Maybe you'll lose interest, because he evidently is ambivalent.  You'll also find out if he's going to call you.  If you haven't heard from him by mid-week, it's not a good sign. .

However, if you decide you want to, and he hasn't called you, I would call him.  The problem I have with saying "don't call him ever again" is that you have been friends for a long time, and provided cross-support to each other in tough times.  That friendship once had and still may have value.   Also, on the negative side, he had sex with you several days ago and I'll tell you what, he owes you a karma debt for that.   This is not something where you hide or let him hide.  It just seems to me that this situation has left feelings unresolved and he owes you a conversation in person and you have the right to ask him for that..

So if you call, and he doesn't answer, leave a message to call you back.  This has to be a person-to-person talk.  When you talk, be friendly & then listen to how he's responding.  If he's going negative, you should say something like "I enjoyed our talk last week; you have been such a great support."  Yeah, yeah, what a great support.  But you're recasting here and recapturing dignity.  His negative will give you your answer (he's into her) but also give you a dignified ending, which is where each of you agree to appreciate the other.  If he's going positive, swing it through until he asks you for a date.  If you go out, as the other poster said, no more sex until you're exclusive. .

Anyway, this how I would play it out.  There are other ways, or ones that may work better for you.  Best of luck & I hope that it works out!.

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Comment #10

Ok so here is the latest... earlier tonight I got a text from him asking how I was doing. This was a little after posting the last part.  It was just small talk, along the friendship lines.  I had asked him earlier in the week if he wanted me to get some tickets to see a college football game that I know he loves.  In the middle of texting him earlier tonight, my source with the tickets said that she found some cheap ones.  I texted him back to ask him if he still wanted the tickets, but he said he will probably have to work that day because it was around a holiday event.  I felt like that was an excuse because earlier he said that he wanted to go and I felt like he was bailing out.  I told him nevermind because I needed to give her an answer right away and he said sorry, he also said that he would definitely find out tomorrow if everyone was supposed to work that day or not.  So I told him that we could still get tickets, but not that cheap.  He never answered back, so I told him that it was only and invitation not a demand.  I jokingly asked him if I needed to straighten him up.  He then responded with another joke, but said nothing about the tickets.  I am getting the feeling that he is interested in the other girl and just doesn't want to be with me, but doesn't know how to tell me.  Is this the case?  OMG, I keep getting mixed signals that one minute he cares and the next minute he is trying to get away.  What is going on here?  Am I doing something wrong?  I think I am going crazy!!!!  Please tell me what I need to do, because I am clueless at this point.   I feel like I need to distance myself now because I feel that anything else I do or say will push him away...

Comment #11

From the outside, looking in, not really seeing how the two of you are together, so strictly from this outsider's  point of view, I think you are being too needy and you need to get control over your insecurities. .

Boiled down to it's basic elements your last encounter went like this  he sent you a friendly text message; you asked him to a game; he said he probably had to work that day; you started to feel rejected; and he responded with another friendly text message.  Then the call ended and your fears went into over-drive, not only was he rejecting you, it's because he really wants to be with her.  The problem is, I don't see that scenario cropping up anywhere in his correspondence with you.  He said he might have to work that day.  He didn't say "I might have a date using Match.com with someone I like better than you."  Why not take him at his word?  Maybe he does need to work.  This is a tough economy and it's a good thing that he has a job and as his friend you should support what is good for him, which is to keep his job. .

Besides which, if he really wanted to be with this other girl, he would be.  But he isn't with her, he's still texting you, having sex with you.  If he wasn't interested in you, he wouldn't text or call.  Accept what he says and what he does at face value.  The thing about fear of rejection is, it has the potential to do the very thing you're afraid of, which is result in rejection.  Relationships and friendships are supposed to be mostly positive and good and supportive.  If your insecurities get in the way, you introduce a lot of negative that doesn't need to be there.  We all (men & women) are attracted to confidence and we reject insecurity.  .

If he's dating (online dating with Match.com) her, you should date using Match.com others as well.  If he wants sex, ask for exclusivity first.  The way to win him over is going to be simply this:  He enjoys your company more and the only way he'll enjoy your company more is if you deep six your insecurities and project more confidence, charm, and support..

Also, if you're going pro-active, one rule is to always, always, accept a "no" graciously.  If you say "let's go to dinner" and he says "I've got a head-ache" there is no response other than "I hope you feel better."     .

I would also suggest that you visit a bookstore and find a good relationship (thru Match.com) book.  .

Good luck! ..

Comment #12

I responded to you on the other board but in a nutshell I agree with the previous poster..

Sheri..

Comment #13

Just an update on what's been going on the past couple of days...  We have been in touch everyday since I last posted on here.  He came over the very next night, and yes we had sex again.  I know I shouldn't have because I have been advised by all of you not to.  I just couldn't help it.  The very next night he came over for dinner and we did not have any sex just dinner, also there was a friend of mine that was over for dinner with us and she is an older lady who has known me since I was a little girl.  She was there kind of to see the interaction between the two of us and she thinks he is crazy about me, by the way he acts.  He is always initiating texting me first.  Today he came today to drop of something I asked him to get from the store for me while he was out.  He has been very affectionate with me since my last post.  I shouldn't be doing this but I have been looking at the other girls status messages and she has been pissed because he hasn't been spending any time with her.  Just out of curiosity, I checked her later tonight after he told me goodnight and she had posted that she wanted to be his everything and her mood had changed drastically.  I am still confused because the more time I spend with him the stronger my feelings are.  I don't think this is a need for male attention.  I have genuine feelings for him and they grow stronger everyday. .

My question is do I approach him again to see how he feels about me and this other girl?  Or do I just patiently wait to see how things turn out?  I know I am being impatient, but I just don't want to turn out to be a fool.  Do I just tell him that I think we need to stop having sex and just be friends so he can find out his feelings for the other girl?  I really like him and I feel like I need to fight for something I really want, but I don't want to push him away.   I have never really been the type of person, until now, to actually fight for a romantic relationship.  I have always had the philosophy that if he wants someone else they I should just back out.  This is the first time I have actually wanted to fight for someone I like and could possibly love.  He is so unexpected, I would have never picked someone like him,  I am attracted to his personality and his heart and the person he is.  Usually I tend to chose someone based on physical attraction alone who are jerks that only care about themselves.  I apologize for appearing as though I am not taking any of the advice given to heart.  I truely am listening and taking all advice in.  I also appreciate the advice given before on here by all the advisors. Otherwise, I wouldn't still be asking on here. ..

Comment #14

Of course you could "help it", you *chose* not to.  Own that, take responsibility for your actions! .

So...what you've chosen is to be ok with having sex with someone who may or may not be dating (online dating with Match.com) other people.  If that's something you're really comfortable with then continue without saying anything. If that's not your comfort zone, however, then speak up, but I would put it in terms of wanting to be exclusive with someone you are sexually involved with, and see what he says..

Be honest with yourself and act accordingly. .

Sheri..

Comment #15

Ok, so I am not comfortable having feelings for this guy and having sex with him while he is seeing another girl.  I want to be the only one he is seeing.  That is why I am having trouble with this.  How do I approach this conversation?  Or do I not have a conversation with him and just stop having sex when the subject is brought up.  Also, do you think this is just becoming just a sexual relationship (thru Match.com) with all of the things that I told you he has done in the past few days? ..

Comment #16

Ok, so I am not comfortable having feelings for this guy and having sex with him while he is seeing another girl.  I want to be the only one he is seeing.  That is why I am having trouble with this. .

Your answer is in what you posted.  If you are not comfortable having sex with him while he is seeing another girl then why are you?  You have to honor yourself and your feelings.  What are your motivations for having sex with him?  Is it to keep him coming back with hopes that the relationship (thru Match.com) will tip into an exclusive one?.

As painful as it might be you need to stop having sex with him and think about what it is that you want from him.  You are having sex with him so why is it so difficult for to ask for what you want?  If you continue down this path without setting boundaries and asking for what you want then the relationship (thru Match.com) is always going to be like this.  You are always going to be second guessing him and eventually it will turn into insecurities which will destroy the relationship.  What is it that YOU want?  Stop and think about it for a second.  It is your body and your feelings - why are you putting them into someone else's hands to control?  You are letting him call the shots with you - is this what you want?  There is nothing wrong with telling him that you are not comfortable having sex with him while he is seeing or "talking" to someone else.  It puts you into a "needy" position which eventually will turn him off anyway.  Be strong and ask for what you want.  If it scares him away then it wasn't meant to be in the first place..

I had to learn this lesson not so long ago the hard way.  AND, it was very painful one.  I had to really do some digging within myself and realize I am worth the time and effort and I don't have to sacrifice my personal values to be in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone.  It made me needy and insecure. ..

Comment #17

How?  You just SAY thatI am not comfortable having sex with you while you are seeing other people so if you're not ready to be exclusive yet, I need to stop that part of our relationship (thru Match.com) for the time being.  Then see what he says..

No, it doesn't sound like just a sexual relationship (thru Match.com) but it does sound like a FWB relationship (thru Match.com) at this point.  That can be part of your talk alsotalking about what you both want in a relationship..

Sheri.

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Comment #18

<<Ok, so I am not comfortable having feelings for this guy and having sex with him while he is seeing another girl. I want to be the only one he is seeing. That is why I am having trouble with this. How do I approach this conversation? >>Stop taking off your clothes when he's around. Stop being in situations where it's possible to have sex. Tell him "I don't want to be your sloppy seconds." Stand up for yourself.

Here's a newsflash; you CAN help it. It's YOUR body, your heart, and YOUR responsibility to protect it. Just Say No..

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #19


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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