Online dating problems. Photos and subpoena. Any similar experiences?

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My first question is: Online dating problems. Photos and subpoena. Any similar experiences?.

My next question is: I have a bit of a dilema at the moment and someone elses opinion as I have never had to deal with this before. I am in my early 20's and have never been in a relationship (thru - although I have had plenty offers but none I have felt attracted to.

There is a guy at work whom I get on really well with and he is a great friend and we always have a great laugh at work. He asked me out twice but I do not feel attracted to him in that way. I told him that I was not looking for anything at the mo and that I preferred him as a friend. Since then I get regular texts asking how I ma and what I've been up to - I feel very smothered. As he is 7 years older than me he also makes comments that I would expect my parents to say to me such as 'have a good nights sleep,' 'drive carefully,' and he also tells me what to use medicine wise when I'm not well!.

I thought that I had made it clear about being friends but then on Valentines Day he sent me 12 roses and a box of heart shaped chocs with a lovely message inside. I did wonder to start with if we could maybe have something more together but inside me I am saying 'no' as it feels wrong! Should I listen to this voice?  I thanked him for the flowers and chocs. Since Valentine Day he keeps texting again and I don't know what to do. He is leaving for the RAF in April. I need someone elses opinion on this as I have never been through this and I don't want to hurt him!.

I know I have a relationship (thru phobia but after this experience I actually feel that I might be ready if the right person were to come along...

Comments (7)

Your question was: Online dating problems. Photos and subpoena. Any similar experiences?.

So why are you calling yourself phobic?  Because you dont like someone who treats you like a parent instead of a peer?  If you dont like him then you will have to stop being "friends" with him and just tell him you would prefer to be coworkers again because you feel he is wanting more than you can deliver.  If you tell him that you want to be friends he'll still see it as an opportunity to get more out of the relationship...

Comment #1

I would say phobic as normally when someone tries to get close I push them away as I don't know what else to do. I feel out of my comfort zone and I hate feeling that way! Unfortunately, the only men that make a move are those that I don't find attractive and those who I do don't!.

It is reassuring to hear someone else saying that he is acting more as a parent than a friend so thank you...

Comment #2

Hi Copy2.

Welcome to the board!.

You have to take risks if you want to be with someone.  I know what you mean about being outside of our comfort zones.  It so easy to loose control..

Sounds a little like you might have had some trouble earning respect as an adult so this might be why his comments irritate you.  I've always been preceived as younger than I am until recently.  I'm 37 and last year my Dad almost died of a heart attack.  My siblings could not get away from home at work to help out right when he got out of the hospital.  My family took notice that I could handle this.  It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I gained so much.  Including my Dad..

I think he makes these comments because he cares.  My BF tells me to drive safe every time I leave his house!! LoL.  I've been driving since I was 12.  I think I got it. .

Take a chance and go on a date using or two.  If you don't like him, just be honest with him and let him know. .

Good Luck,Kristie.



Comment #3

"It is reassuring to hear someone else saying that he is acting more as a parent than a friend so thank you.".

If that is your perception then that is all that counts and you need to be with someone who doesnt express himself in such a fashion....or it is just a simple matter of he isnt the right one to express those sentiments to you.  If someone says "drive safe" it could also be perceived as a loving gesture, not so much an *instruction*. .

 But, if you are not comfortable with people (in general - all men or all women) expressing themselves this way you have a couple of choices: 1)examine why that particular type of loving behavior unnerves you  2)make sure that you surround yourself with people who DO make you feel comfortable and dont try to fit someone else's standards..

Some people could psychoanalyze you to be aloof and lacking the ability to form a loving healthy relationship (thru because you push people away who express love to you.  I would say that before someone jumps to that conclusion one would have to just see things a little differently:  for instance, I know that if the RIGHT person expresses love to me I accept it willingly.  If the wrong person tries to woo me...I feel smothered, I cringe at every move he makes.  That doesnt mean I would be a commitment-phobe - just choosing wisely .  The same thing applies to friendships - if the wrong person tries to buddy up with me and goes through the motions of friendship and I just dont like that person...I'm going to voice my feelings of suffocation by that person...

Comment #4

 To me, it's only OBVIOUS that you listen to your instincts. If you're not feeling it with him, cool. HE... get's to deal with this. It seems like you've made yourself clear with him that you do not want him as a b/f. I think that he has crossed some of YOUR boundaries, and since YOU have NOT let him know he's crossed these boundaries, he's CLUELESS to this fact.

He can't and won't read your mind. Be very clear with him your feelings. If at that time he is unwilling to RESPECT your feelings, you drop him from your 'friends list'.

 A thought about your 'r-ship phobia'. I'm willing to bet that you didn't have a close r-ship with your dad. Either he was around at all, or he was NOT able to give you the emotional support that you needed from him. Why do I make such bold claims? B/c this is how it usually works. If you don't have a good r-ship with you dad, generally speaking, you will have issues with 'male' r-ships. You learned your (male) r-ships skills from your dad and if he wasn't good at this skill, most likely, neither are you.

 Learning where this 'phobia' comes from, I'm sure, will help you 'open your heart' up for male companionship. I'm sure you feel emotionally numb, when it comes to guys and that's a direct result of a 'closed heart'. You haven't been taught how to FEEL 'good' towards men, and what you've been taught, is how you feel RIGHT NOW. If you don't like it, CHANGE IT. It's not too hard to do as long as your committed to it. Just like everything else you want to be good at..

 It's not the end of the world and can easily be countered. It's up to you to ask more questions and aggressively seek out those answers, whether it be with counseling or some other source..

 Good luck....


Comment #5

Hi z-money.

Thank you for your reassuring words. It is interesting what you mentioned about my dad as I have never considered that before. My dad actually works offshore and so was away for either 3 or 2 weeks and then home for 2 or 3. There was a short period of time whereby he worked in America and was a way for a month and then home for a month. Maybe I have become much closer to my mum as a result but I have a fantastic relationship (thru with my dad and we are so similar! Do you think this could be a factor in my feelings at present?.

I actually suffered with depression for 2 years and have only just finished my counselling, which really helped me overcome many aspects of my life. I feel that I now back on track and would really like to change my feelings but I don't know how! You mentioned other sources in your reply... what were these?.

Thank you..

Comment #6

 When I first learned about r-ship's with our fathers, it blew me away. I've grown to have the opinion that the father of the household sets the tone for the EMOTIONAL stability of the family. Of course mom's are usually very nurturing and loving, so as long as dad ADDS to the love and support, he supplies the critical element in the emotional development of children. B/c, mom's 'role' is being nurtured by the man, she is able to exude her 'natural instincts' upon her children. Now, this is something that **I** have come up with and is NOT proven fact; just my own conclusion. Which I like and makes sense.

 If I were to suggest something for you to research, I would look into how and why fathers are so very critical in a child's development. I have not read anything directly related to this topic, on the other hand, I have heard doctors talk about this numerous times. Dr. Drew Pinsky, to be exact, and some of his colleagues.

 If you don't mind, I'm curious what it is you're looking to achieve with being able to get over your 'phobia'. If you haven't seriously thought about what you want, it's kind of hard to seek out the answers without a direction. Do you want to have a serious intimate r-ship with a man? Are you looking to understand how men think? Do you want to learn how to date using and be open, honest, and communicative in ALL r-ships?.

 So you see, knowing CLEARLY what you want is critical in getting the results you want. Write in down. If you have to, take a few days/weeks and before you go to bed, (some people pray, I don't, I talk to my subconscious) talk to your subconscious and ask it to lead you to the path that you desire. Night after night, if you IMPLANT these thoughts into your mind, your mind will lead you to seek out the answers. It may sound kind of 'hoaky' if you don't believe in it, but... I'm telling you it works..

 Let me know what you think..


Comment #7

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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