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On Match.com, if I've viewed someone's portrait but then deleted my account, can they still tell?

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My first question is: On Match.com, if I've viewed someone's portrait but then deleted my account, can they still tell?.

My next question is:       Ok everything with my Valentine/"new guy for Blair" was great : )  He brought me roses and a funny card and a CD with his music that he makes which I really wanted, but I had trouble downloading on my own lol  He was so funny and sweet and everything good : )  .

      And it was great but while we were out, my ex called me, the guy who ignored me online last week..  I think now that the whole thing last week was a misunderstanding, but that doesn;t really matter to me.  I didn't answer the call, but he also texted me and then we talked again today, but only because he called me -  I didn't call him.  And the conversation was fine, great actually, we were laughing so hard about different things catching up bec we hadn't talked in over a week.. it's like he missed me or something.  BUT... I just still don't think it's a good idea for me to talk to him..

     Talking to him (the ex) makes me happy, it does... he makes me laugh and we just really click.  But I have never been friends with an ex before ever.  I feel like this connection between us will always be there and it can never be just purely platonic.. we will never be comfortable talking about new romances in our lives, we will just be jealous or whatever else.. I just think in the long run, it is not good for me to talk to him.  So I'm just going to keep trying to avoid him I think... .

Edited 2/15/2008 6:42 pm ET by blairbear89.

Edited 2/15/2008 6:43 pm ET by blairbear89..

Comments (24)

Your question was: On Match.com, if I've viewed someone's portrait but then deleted my account, can they still tell?.

I am friends with some of my ex's,....It is possible BUT only if there is no romantic feelings left...and if you aren't comfortable with telling him you are seeing someone or him telling you he is seeing someone then you are not ready to be friends.... No contact is best until you heal completely from the breakup.....

Comment #1

I feel that maintaining contact with exes just for the heck of it or to have a buddy can hold you back in developing a relationship (thru Match.com) with another person.  As long as that ex has that space in your heart it will be very difficult for a new person to enter your life and be all that he can be to you.  People often wonder why they cant find the right person but the truth is that they may have been coming and going the whole time but no one recognizes it because they have their special friendship with an ex, but that friendship doesnt cut it in the end..

I also feel that exes sometimes sabatoge new relationships for the ex because sometimes people stay friends because they secretly wish that things could just start over again and then they can finally be together..

JMO, the best thing to do is to keep your life simple (without complications and impending drama) and then things work alright in the end...

Comment #2

Snafu, yes, this is it *exactly*... I feel that he's waiting until I get there this summer (remember I'm spending the whole summer where he lives) and that this "friendship" is with this thing in the back that we'll get back together.  And on the one hand, maybe that's smart because otherwise it would be long-distance, but I'm a romantic and I don't care abotu the current distance, if you don't want it *right now* then that's not good enough for me.  Waiting until all these other stipulations are fulfilled.. that's not passion or romance or.. love to me.  He is great but then when we come to a point in our conversations for him to show intimate care, he pulls back.  It's really annoying and it's like *obviously* you care and not showing it in the way (he knows!) I want it is cruel.. well, really I roll my eyes at this.  And of course if I'm not getting what I want I get irritable lol I am very demanding.. But anyway, yes,  I will continue to try and avoid him.   ..

Comment #3

It is difficult to remain friends with an ex, particularly as you say, since it doesn't feel platonic to you.  He is your ex for a reason.  Good luck.

,..

Comment #4

When a guy behaves in the way you described, cruel about giving you what you want, he doesnt really care about you as much as he cares about the idea of controlling things.  Even a friendship would become a tug of war with him, laden with sexual overtones.  Why deal with a child when you could date using Match.com a man?..

Comment #5

He called me again today and it was another great conversation, just talking about anything and everything.. so free and easy.  I think I'm going to cry : /   I'm confused!.

Grrr.  I think I just need to take time and really think about this some more.....

Comment #6

Ah, so Mr. Charming showed up today.  Good luck - because if you dont cut off contact you'll just go through the same cycle with him over and over...

Comment #7

He's not evil.  I'm the one who needs to set the tone and if I just keep a mindset of friendship everything will be more relaxed.  But I have to think about this some more. ..

Comment #8

I've honestly never been friends with any of my ex's.  Even my ex husband (married 10 years).  I haven't even talked to him since our divorce was final.  I don't care either way, but I have to admit that it has made it easier to move on. .

Be careful and take good care of yourself..

Kristie.

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Comment #9

Lol No I understand.  I've not been friends with exes either!  Well, actually, my very first love.. he and I talk every now and then.  I mean, I'm not on bad terms with any of my exes.  As in, I would feel comfortable picking up the phone or them to me and saying hello.  It would be amicable.  We're just not close-tight friends, which is sort of how it is with this one.. cause we talk *all the time*.   .

But then again that's why this last ex is so different.  Neither of us ever had a connection like this before, which sounds cheesey but it's true. .

I mean, whatever.   I need time to think about all of it.  Here's the thing is.. life is short.  So I need to weigh whether he is giving me more joy or grief and if he's worth whatever.  And I will answer that for myself um.. soon lol  I'm not really in a rush. ..

Comment #10

MY best friend is an ex - but yes you can only do this is both people are ok with just being friends and boundaries are set - i.e. not sleeping together, not discussing every detail of your dating (online dating with Match.com) lives, etc..

,..

Comment #11

We've still been talking alot and I am a little confused now in trying to figure if at times I have a right to be upset or if I'm just being a brat about something.  I will admit that I'm a demanding person... but I like this about myself and so do people in my life, to include this x.  But because I'm demanding, I tend to easily and quickly cut people out of my life.  I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, however of course I know that if I didn't have lingering romantic feelings, I probably wouldn't get as upset about certain things than if I felt just friendship alone.  .

The mature thing really is just to stay in friendship mode and just force my thoughts and feelings that way and not get so upset when he doesn't do what I want him to.. lol   It's just so much easier said than done.  You just feel the way you do and it's hard to change that.  We definitely have distance between us, geographically.  And as for time, we didn't talk for 5 months - nearly half a year!- after our breakup.  So I feel like we've had both time and distance to whatever.. but.. I guess not!.

So I am back to square one.  All I can do is try and avoid him online and other forms of electronic communication.  I think this will work out.  Ok, I feel a lot better.  Writing my thoughts out this way has helped.. ..

Comment #12

I didnt say he evil.  It seems like you like the tussle and tangle with this ex.  You cant manipulate something that cant be manipulated - like setting a tone - if he has an agenda that is different than yours...

Comment #13

Actually, I hate the "tussle and tangle"... but, as we all know, it's hard to shake someone you love... Trying, though...!..

Comment #14

" I hate the "tussle and tangle"..."> ah yes...a bit of love and a bit of hate..*sigh*.

I dont know how you shake someone you love from your system if you are still in contact.  I require a complete break in order to detox like that. ..

Comment #15

You're right of course about the complete break.. I totally agree.  I'm not friends (not enemies either but not all friendly-like and tight) with any exes.. all have asked and I turned all of them down.  The ex before this one contacted me this past December and asked if we could be friends and I flat-out said, nope, sorry, can't do it.. But this one.. grrr! lol  The connection with this one was really different, really special.  But blah, I will do my best to cut this one off too.  .

Ok no lie, all my exes - whether I dumped them or they dumped me - have all come crawling back.  It's too little, too late!  It's like they've realized what they've lost or they want what they can't have or whatever else.  It's just so lame...

Comment #16

OMG!!!!!!!!!! I was about to write almost the same message about my ex and me..........i know exactly how you feel...ive never been friends with any of my exes but I really love this guy and we dont wanna be enemies. we basically have been froken up for the past 2 months but we kept hanging out and that made things worse cus our feelings for eachother are still there. so my heart tells me to fight for him my brain says NO!!! I gotta leave him alone so he can miss me and realize what he had. He broke up with me because he has never really dated and says that I'm what he was looking for but that he is too young to settle down(he's 21 I'm 24). He says he can see himself with me for a long time and thats why we cant be together cus he is not ready to settle down..

When we see eachother even now it's like we cant help it we wanna be together but then it hits him that he is not ready. so I decided that before we end up hurting eachother more I should try to move forward for now and see what happens later on you know.  maybe things will just fall into place, he keeps telling me not to see this as an end to "US" but as a "to be continued". LOL I think thats funny.....soo ya I say it's better to just leave eachother alone for now until your wounds can heal a little more and then maybe later on things can happen and then they will be even greater than before..

 i know you miss him I feel you on that!!!! me and my ex only started this whole not talking or seeing eachother thing this week, I'm only on my second day and I feel like I'm gonna lose it..i wanted to call him so bad yesterday and I keep looking at his myspace Grrrrr....i know I'm strong but man these guys make us weak dont they?.

Its funny you mention that  you guys wont feel comofrtable talking about future romances cus me and my ex decided the same thing. I told him "dont ask dont tell!!" he said he would feel jealous too.....so I know your probably feeling sad like I am but who knows what the future will hold for US!! keep your head up and I wish you the best!..

Comment #17

Hey!!  So great to run into someone who's going through soemthing similar!  Ok, you're on day 2, I'm on day 4!  Sounds like neither of us are that far along lol!  So we have to keep each other up-to-date..

He and I usually chat online like everyday starting at exactly the same time and he was on yesterday and today waiting for me, aww - oops! lol  But of course I didn't show.  Yah, the connection with this particular guy is just different from anything either of us has ever experienced and he was actually the first to bring this up to me on only the 2nd day we knew each other!  Basically, whether our relationship (thru Match.com) will be romantic or not, I don't want to lose this person.  But at the same time.. it's just hard because of the romantic feelings that still linger.  So my head does say, I need to let it go for a while, but just like you my heart is like "But I love youuu!" LOL!.

So yes, I'm currently on day 4.  But honestly, I'm still confused about the whole thing.. : / ..

Comment #18

Men like what they dont have.  I have been treated similarly and I dont reconcile with exes. .

"The connection with this one was really different, really special.  But blah, I will do my best to cut this one off too. " awww....if the connection was very special then it would be in your best interest to cut things off in a neat clean fashion because as long as you are in touch...you will still feel those feelings.  Unless, he does something that makes yourealize that you are much better off without him...and that can happen too. ..

Comment #19

SO it's day 3 for me LOL feels like it's been a week already!AHHH.

Wow!! it's pretty scary cus I can relate to soo  MUCH!!! I'm glad I found someone thats feeling the same tooo. YA your probably stronger than I am LOL. So what does your boy say to you when you guys talk? is he sweet to you? mine still says "i love you" to me but I never say it back even tho every inch  of me is feeling it I hold that in cus it has so much meaning to me their not just words..

 but OMG last night he asked me to come over to his house and hang out I know I know not a good idea but he and I have been emailing everyday too and we ve been getting along but I'm just scared of when he's gonna start being a jerk again... anyway he called me at work and we talked and then he mentioned possibly hanging out at his house and playing the boardgame CLUE with his sister and her boyfriend( it's our little guilty pleasure lol playing boardgames).

But you know I'm proud of myself cus this time I actually took time to think about it. Lol I thought about at work then when I got home. Other times I'm just so impulsive with him that if I miss him I just go see him or call him without second guessing anything.

I know he cares about me tho cus he even told me to think about it cus he didnt want me to regret it later on. He didnt want me to feel sad later like on the weekend when he goes out to party. iIt stinks why doesnt he feel sad?.

To be honest I'm pretty sure I would have regretted it cus you know when you see them or even hear their voice all your feelings and emotions come rushing back. Im proud of myself for deciding not to hang out with him but man I couldnt help crying a little,  it sucks we cant just do things like before now it's all so complicated. I convinced myself that their was no point in hanging out because it's not like we re getting back together now he just wanted to hangout ,plain and simple. so kept telling myself to let it go. GOD! it was so hard I hadnt ever done that, to turn him down. He said he wasnt mad and was actually happy that I made the right choice for myself and that I to time to think..

Also I dont know about you but it really scares me when he goes out on the weekend cus I know he's out there trying to meet girls., not for relationships but for casual dating (online dating with Match.com)    I cant even picture me dating (online dating with Match.com) guys right now it makes me soo MAD!! GRRRR..

So ya dont be a stranger keep me posted too!! some of the people replying are kind of harsh and not very sympathetic. you know no one can tell you what to do cus they are not in your shoes they dont feel what you feel .....i listen to advice but I rationalize it for myself..cus things are always easier said then done!! take care :-).

*Karen.

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Comment #20

It sounds like he's playing games with u.  I wouldn't have any of that.  I'm not too concerned about my guy being out and about because he is extremely picky about girls he goes out with. .

So I am on day 5 and it gets easier everyday. .

We deserve better.  We know that, but it doesn';t change that we love these guys.  For me, I just think my guy has not done enough to show me that he really cares to have me in his life even non-romantically.  I think he thinks my standards are lowered for friends when they are not at all.  I have just as high standards of who gets to be my friend as I do for boyfriends..

Thos ear emy thoughts for now.. K.I.T. (keep in touch).

Edited 2/28/2008 12:10 am ET by blairbear89..

Comment #21

Friendship with an ex can only work if both people are clear on the boundaries and neither one secretly wants to reunite.

,..

Comment #22

Hi Starllette2001,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Thanks for sharing your story.  Hope to hear from you again,.

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Comment #23

Hi Sassisizz,.

Welcome to the board!!.

Thanks for sharing your story..

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Comment #24


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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