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Okay, this dude from match.com contacted me and for the past couple of weeks we've been emailing eac

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My first question is: Okay, this dude from match.com contacted me and for the past couple of weeks we've been emailing eac.

My next question is: I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) my current boyfriend for about a year now, and we've been living together for the majority of that time. I love him with all of my heart, and I know that he wouldn't cheat on me or lie to me or hurt me in any way. My last relationship (thru Match.com) was abusive, and my ex exhibited all of those qualities. So problem is that when we first started dating, I was made aware of the fact that his best friend was a girl, and I was okay with that. But over the past few months, I've become more and more uncomfortable. Well, maybe paranoid and jealous are better words to use.

For example, when I was younger, I used to cut myself (I was diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder and an Anxiety Disorder). This isn't exactly a secret among my friends and family, because they were all present when it was going on... but my BF wasn't in the picture then and I had to explain to him what the scars where from and why and everything. I'm so scared that he is going to tell his friend this and I don't want her to know. Part of the reason is that she is a Behavioral Speacialist and I don't want my life to become one of her cases.

She knows more about him than I do. He opens up to her more than me. And I have a hard time accepting that b/c I believe there are certain things that you don't discuss with friend of the opposite sex... it just doesn't look good. To make this situation more complicated, whenever I am around, they talk around me...

And she invites him out to dinner... alone (even though she is engaged). And he won't talk to her on the phone when I'm around and he deletes all the text messages that she sends him and vice versa. I have to believe that he isn't cheating on me. He just wouldn't do it.

If they were going to hook up, I imagine they would have done it already. And in the year that we have been dating, I've met 10 or 12 of his friends, but only 1 of them was male! I'm not saying that I don't trust him. I believe that he will never cheat on me. But just because I trust him doesn't mean that he should parade women in front of me, does it? We have a house together, a child together, and we want to get married... besides his Mother, shouldn't I be the most important woman in his life?.

Everytime she invites him out, he asks me if I'm okay with it. I try to be a good girlfriend and say yes... but it kills me! Guys night out I can deal... hell, I even encourage it... but not when all the guys are girls! I am totally aware of the fact that this is all due to my own insecurities and the fact that my last relationship (thru Match.com) was nothing but lies and cheating. I'm trying to deal with it, but then I think that if something makes me this uncomfortable, I shouldn't have to just deal with it.

How can I get my point across without sounding like an overly jealous girlfriend?.

-JEN..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Okay, this dude from match.com contacted me and for the past couple of weeks we've been emailing eac.

Just because two people have known each other for 20 years doesnt mean that eventually they dont start to look at each other differently..

I am not a fan of opposite sex friends - especially socializing alone with each other.  It usually brings trouble and is a barrier to the BF and GF getting emotionally as close as they could be and should be...as you have mentioned (like him opening up to her more than you).  Most times when guys have many female friends it is because they do not want to get too close to a woman in a romantic way.  They set themselves up nice that way..

I feel it is rude that she invite him out alone without their SO's present as well. When  a guy talks to a woman on the phone and doesnt want to be open in front of his GF and it is something that has gone on for a while...then the GF does have reason to be concerned.  Except for planning a surprise party for his GF, there should be no reason to withhold speaking in her presence.  Have you told your BF that you dont want him discussing your past with this woman?  It is also rude that they speak around you when youare with them..

Since it appears that his bond is tighter with her than with you (and he lets you see that)...you may have to start looking at him with different eyes to determine if he can or will provide you with that #1 slot or...you find it elsewhere with another man...

Comment #1

I totally agree with you on having opposite sex friends. I'm not a big fan of it. My ex would always say "so-and-so is just a friend... that's all"... I later found out that "so-and-so" was NOT just a friend. I have a friend of the opposite sex, but I only talk to him once every other month or so, and he is always the father of my first child...

But I would NEVER go out with him alone or keep my conversations a secret. I think I feel so torn b/c my BF's brother and sister-in-law have assured me that he would never cheat on me, and I believe them, as well as my BF, when he says that he won't cheat on me. Maybe I'm just venting here, but I don't think it's so wrong for me to be the #1 person in him life. I'm tired of being put on the back burner in all of my relationships. Obviously, the best way to resolve this issue is to talk to him about it, but I don't want to come of as a clingy, oerly jealous person..

-JEN..

Comment #2

Okay, the way you dont come off as a jealous clingy person is to focus on what he is or is not giving to you in the relationship (thru Match.com) - and less on this woman.  In other words...is he loving you the way you want and deserve to be love?  He can say he "loves" you but if you two dont define love the same way, with the same idea of what loving behavior looks like...then his "I love you" means nothing.  You'll never perceive that you are loved by him.  Focus on what you have witnessed in his behavior.  By that I mean: 1) as his GF he should be coming to YOU to discuss things about himself and his life...opening up...and he is going to another person 2) he is not open in front of you on the phone and that is strange behavior which can lead any person to feel that he has something to hide 3) he speaks around you when you are with him and his friend and doesnt include you in the conversation, which is rude..

He will try to turn it back around on you and say you are jealous and insecure. You need to remind him that if this friend was a man #'s 2 and 3 would still apply.  The way to handle #1 if he turns things back around on you is to confront the situation.  For instance, you can say that when a man or a woman confides in a person of the opposite sex instead of their SO it can lead to a wall between the BF and GF. By getting his emotional needs met by another woman...he has less of a need to confide in you. It's just mother nature..

If he is not receptive to your feelings and does not validate them or see the potential for danger by his behavior then because you would have different values or different value systems you two may never see eye to eye on this. If he does not perceive that his current life setup is a problem or could lead to problems..then he wont change anything.  People dont change unless they perceive the need to change..

It could be that this guy just likes making his GFs jealous and anxious and maybe doing things to make you THINK he's cheating (or about to cheat) when he is not - this way you get to compete with this woman. LIke I said, keep it between the two of you and what you are looking for in a mate and less time on her.  You dont want to come looking like you are competing with her.   Some people are kinda wacko this way (trying to allude certain behaviors)  and no one needs to date using Match.com a person like that...they are toxic and dont like themselves very much or dont think that anyone could like them or love them just for who they are so they do all sorts of destructive behavior and fulfill their own destiny because they drive their SOs away from them...

Comment #3

I would just tell him the way you told it to us.  Tell him you're not comfortable with him always hanging out with her not because you are jealous or think they are involved, but because you don't want him telling her personal stuff about you.  That's the truth, right?  I mean, you're not bothered otherwise, is that correct?  Why can't you just go with him when he goe sout on these things?  I have many many male friends and my bf is good friends with one girl but I am friends with her as well and we all are with her boyfriend.  Basically, we all know each other and all hang out *together*.  Does he never invite you out when he goes out with her?  That is kind of weird. ..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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