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Ok so my husband has been caught several times on the internet with various match.com sites what sho

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My first question is: Ok so my husband has been caught several times on the internet with various match.com sites what sho.

My next question is: I've been dating  a guy for around two months, but knew him for several before that.  Everything was off to a great start...until a few weeks ago when things started to happen in his life that weren't so pleasant..

His grandpa has had a couple of strokes within a few weeks and is very ill.  His family has been struggling with this and trying to be the strong one for the family..

He had work drama for a few days that had him all bent out of shape..

Then, he had his identity stolen and his bank account wiped out last week..

Last weekend he had a big confrontation with his parents.  He won't tell me what happened but said he made an ass of himself and that's all.  Normally he fills me in on details of things..

His phone stopped working last night..

In the past two weeks I have seen him one time for about 5 minutes...and that is because I didn't call, text or anything before showing up on his doorstep with cheescake to make his life a little better. .

I've been busy too with work obligations, friends in town visiting and what not, but he has had more reasons lately than ever to disappear.  And I am beginning to wonder if I should be taking it personally. .

He still checks in with me, well until his phone broke last night.  He had been calling or texting when something new and traumatic happened or just to see how my day was.  But I'm thinking his phone not working is his way of getting some space for a few days.  I say that because I emailed him early this morning saying to have a good day and haven't gotten a reply...and not to mention I can see my message has been read.  Blah..

I don't want to take a break from him, that's the last thing I think I should do.  He's been through so much this past month and I am trying to be understanding and compassionate, but I'm starting to feel shut out.   I think he needs me so I refuse to abandon him totally, but do you think I should take a step back and not contact him for a couple days? .

He'll have a phone again on Friday so I guess I will see then if I hear from him and will have more of an idea of what's going on. .

I'm not very experienced with relationships so this is really hard for me.  And it's so fresh into our relationship (thru Match.com) that all big life issues are really difficult to go through when we really are still getting to know each other. .

Please tell me I'm not a crazy person for feeling neglected and a bit shut out.  I need a glimmer of hope because he's someone I feel really strongly about and don't want to lose him to these negative life events...

Comments (14)

Your question was: Ok so my husband has been caught several times on the internet with various match.com sites what sho.

All of that in just a few weeks?  Sheesh!  This man needs some TLC and you are the perfect person to deliver it!.

He is under way too much stress and I know it sucks being shut out. .

Cant you call him on his house phone or go over and see how he is?  Besides sex, men like to feel pampered when stressed out either with massage or food.  Since this is a new relationship (thru Match.com) and I dont know if you are sexually active with this man yet...I suggest that you bring some pizza, beer or soda and just let him vent and see that you are there for him.  Go out of your way just a little bit and he will think you are the best!..

Comment #1

I don't think that men liked to be babied a whole lot.  I'd be careful not to become clingy.  If you push too much he will run.  Take a deep breath, ask a friend if you can call him when you want to call him (this included any kind of communication) and wait for him to contact you again.  He has a lot going on and you helping him through this is a wonderful gesture.  It may have caused him to pause and think more seriously about the relationship.  Give him the time he needs to think and take care of his family.  You wouldn't want him if he neglected his family.  This wouldn't show that he is a very good man..

Good luck and be patient..

Krist.

Kristie..

Comment #2

I think it's pretty common for men to withdraw when they are going through a tough time.  They want to take care of things without having to worry about keeping you happy too (or at least that's how they see it)..

So I would let him get in touch with you when he's ready..

Sheri..

Comment #3

Seriously that's a lot of crappy stuff to deal with, huh?!?!  And the worst part is that he is off work for 6 weeks because his plane is being worked on so he's just sitting around at home all day being bummed out. ..

Comment #4

Well he definitely needs a morale boost.  If you do decide to go over and hang out with him, ask him how he's doing (of course) but dont press it or push for him to talk if he doesnt feel up to it.  Sometimes just having company to eat with and watch tv or getting out and going to a movie together helps boost the spirits...

Comment #5

An update -.

I asked if he needed space, he said yes...we talked for a very long time and threw everything out in the open...had a really good talk and I'm going to give him a few days to gather his thoughts and everything's going to be good again.  I had to make sure it wasn't anything to do with me...and he said I've been his angel through everything so far and I'm the one thing in his life he's sure about.    That feels so nice!  He said it might be a week before he clears his head, but I'm pretty sure I'll hear from him by the end of the weekend. .

Thanks for all your uplifting words and good advice.  I really appreciate it.  I'm just young and dumb and really relationship-challenged.  I have never been in a grown up relationship (thru Match.com) before and am learning slowly but surely.  I think if we can make it through this type of situation so early into a relationship (thru Match.com) there probably isn't a whole heck of a lot we can't survive.  I have no doubts we are going to make it through all of this just fine.  And come out a stronger, smarter, closer couple. ..

Comment #6

Why do you say you are dumb?  A few days to himself will be good because if he is the type of person who needs to decompress on his own so that he doesnt take anything out on you...then it is really good that you kept communication open and asked him how he would like to be treated.  I like it when guys ask because not all women are the same and we dont handle ups and downs the same either.  If he would have told you that he wanted the 6 weeks without his plane totally to himself then I would have had my doubts about him, but as long as you are okay, then it will be okay..

"and he said I've been his angel through everything so far and I'm the one thing in his life he's sure about.    That feels so nice!"> I bet it does  ..

Comment #7

I kinda feel differently than the other posters here. I believe men are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I also believe that men DO NOT know how to end relationships. I get the sense that he is using his unfortunate circumstances as an excuse to avoid you. When a man really likes/loves you he will WELCOME your attention and caring. This man is avoiding any overtures you've attempted.

He knows that you would come right over if he needed a hug. He knows you will answer the phone if he needs to talk. And yet he is not asking for anything from you.

I always try to look at it from the perspective of what I want. If I was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for 2 months and I had all these terrible things happen to me, WHAT WOULD I WANT. Well if I liked the guy I would want him to call and check in on me. I would want him to surprise me at my home with take out food. I would want a foot rub and a good listener. I would want hugging and holding.

I WOULD NOT avoid his calls. I would not send him away if he showed up on my door. I would give him my email, work phone and other forms of contact.

If I didn't like him and I felt like I was not only having terrible things in my life but I also needed to end a relationship (thru Match.com) I would avoid his calls. I would fade from his life. I would be to busy to go any where with him. I would use my family and work as excuses. I would not answer his call when I saw his number. I would answer occasionally but end the conversation short.

Is this what you want in a man? A man that can't seem to share with you? Can't seem to include you? The best predictor of your future is your past. So if anything ever happened in your life how would he react? Would he be there for you?.

My advice is to fade from him. Stop calling, emailing and showing up at his door b/c he hasn't invited you or asked you to. Men like the chase. Even when the chips are down. Believe me knows your there for him. And maybe just maybe if you give him some breathing room he will come around.

I'm truly sorry to say. Don't want to be the bearer of bad news but don't want you to be humiliated either by a man who doesn't know how to end the relationship. Be strong and proud of yourself. Remember you are such a good person that you were/are willing to help a friend in need.

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Comment #8

"I always try to look at it from the perspective of what I want. If I was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for 2 months and I had all these terrible things happen to me, WHAT WOULD I WANT. Well if I liked the guy I would want him to call and check in on me. I would want him to surprise me at my home with take out food. I would want a foot rub and a good listener. I would want hugging and holding.

I WOULD NOT avoid his calls. I would not send him away if he showed up on my door. I would give him my email, work phone and other forms of contact.".

All really good points.  I see things from the same perspective.  I had a question about why she couldnt contact him on his home phone and if he took too much time away from her (someone who is waiting to give support and nurturing) then I would get suspicious about him or wonder if he was someone who wanted a relationship.  However, I have had similar disasters in close proximity over the last 6 years, so it *could* happen.  Time will tell if he is a good guy...

Comment #9

I don't like being negative. I'm all for LOVE. I'm a true believer of LOVE.

But, I don't want to see anyone waste one minute of their only life on someone who doesn't absolutely love and adore them. I think women in general underestimate men. We tend to think they are not wise. I also feel that when someone is in the midst of it all that they can't step out of the box and see reality. I know this has happened to me. In my brain I know something is amiss and not kosher but in my heart I try to fit the square peg into the round hole b/c I want so badly to be with that person.

When a girl starts with "He did" "He said" "He hasn't" I immediate think "Wait. Who cares about he, him. What does she think, want, need?" Apparently he/him is not meeting her needs b/c she is venting and looking for an answer/solution. Right off she is not getting something. Women including me are so easily mislead. I truly believe that men can NOT break up with women properly.

LOL.

You know we've heard stories about guys who will pretend to have died just to get out of a relationship. We know that we just want a simple exit conversation like "Hey, sorry but this is just not working out for me." But I have to say I have heard of a guy doing that yet for me or any of my friends. LOL.

Have a good one!!!.

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Comment #10

"In my brain I know something is amiss and not kosher but in my heart I try to fit the square peg into the round hole b/c I want so badly to be with that person.".

Oh...I hear that....we've all been there.  We intially rationalize instead of accepting the unpleasant truth.  I see things from a very similar perspective as you.  Love is grand but only when it is mutual and both parties respect the other.  When respect is lacking there is no love.  Maybe there is some need to "have" a person and that need creates the aura that the guy is madly passionate about you...when it is some kind of addiction on his part or his ego got burned and now he wants to turn the tables..

"I truly believe that men can NOT break up with women properly. I don't know if you like Sex and the City but in one episode Burger dumps Carrie with a post it note. LOL".

I saw that episode and the only thing I can say about Burger is that she knew from the beginning that he was unstable.  Unstable people cant handle the normal stresses of a relationship (thru Match.com) (good and bad) so it made sense that he took the cowardly way out.  I have usually done the breaking up in my love life and I am very direct about it.  The men, on the other hand, always think I'm either just letting off steam, not serious about my emotions and they always try to work their way back into my life.  After a while I get nasty because they dont "get it" and then I have to be a little mean..

"You know we've heard stories about guys who will pretend to have died just to get out of a relationship.".

Hey, have you heard about the one where guys pretend to have amnesia to get out of having the break up conversation or having to tell the woman "hey schtuping you for a month or two was great, but now I'm ready for another woman.".

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Comment #11

Okay, I've looked at both sides...I see your point of view about him wanting out of things, but I'm going with my heart on this one.  With the conversations we've had I'm going to say that everything is going to be fine.  I know his past and how he's dealt with issues.  And he just hasn't.  He's always ran...picked up and moved when things got a little messy.  He wants to stick around and figure all this out.  He's a total perfectionist so it's really hard for him.  And I respect what he wants. .

I can't call him on his house phone because he doesn't have one.  And I am not going to just drop by when he's asked for some space.  That's just rude.  Now, it will be another story if he gets his week he's asked for and I don't hear from him.  I've got plans for what I'll do that day.  I did go by randomly once with the cheesecake and he was thrilled.  He locked the door behind me and asked if he could keep me.  But, my friends were waiting in my car so I couldn't stay and he was very sad about that.  It seriously isn't anything against me.  He's hibernating for a week and not talking to ANYBODY.  We have mutual friends so I know if he's out having a good time, and he's not.  He's not like all these other dumbass guys I've dealt with.  He's grown up and respectful. .

He hasnt' totally shut me out.  I did say I was BEGINNING to feel that way after his phone broke.  Now he has a new one and I've heard from him and gotten a lot of things hashed out.  But, the past few weeks before that he's called, texted, and emailed several times a day with updates good and bad...and saying he needed a hug, needed a smile, and wanted to come up to my office to see me.  But, his method of coping is so different from mine.  I am someone who wants my friends and family all up in my face when I"m down.  I need people 24/7 checking on me.  He, on the other hand, doesn't want any distraction.  He wants to dig deep into this and figure it out on his own so he doesn't end up treating anyone badly he cares about.  I still realize there is a chance this is all a cop out.  I'm not totally naive.  I have to be ready for that because sometimes life is just mean like that.  But I'm going to stay positive and not make the mistake of cutting someone out that I care about because a bunch of strangers threw out a bunch of negativity.  No offense...but that's just my honest opinion. .

I'm here on this board not because I'm missing something from him, but because like I said before I am so horribly inexperienced in relationships I just needed some guidance and reassurance.  I wanted a little glimmer of hope that his life will turn out okay, and hopefully I will get to be a part of it.  I'm nearly 25 and this is my first grown up kind of relationship.  Typically I go for morons who I know it won't last more than a few weeks with.  But this time I set my sights on someone I could really see myself with.  It's just time to trust in God and let life work itself out.  If it's meant to be....it will be.    ..

Comment #12

Based on everything you have posted from the first post I felt cautious optimism - stay positive but be watchful.  I dont believe I was negative at all. .

"And I am not going to just drop by when he's asked for some space.  That's just rude. "> of course..

"I did go by randomly once with the cheesecake and he was thrilled.  He locked the door behind me and asked if he could keep me."> sounds nice    !!.

"He's not like all these other dumbass guys I've dealt with.  He's grown up and respectful. "> must be nice for a change..

"Now he has a new one and I've heard from him and gotten a lot of things hashed out.  But, the past few weeks before that he's called, texted, and emailed several times a day with updates good and bad...and saying he needed a hug, needed a smile, and wanted to come up to my office to see me. ">  sounds like everything is resolved...right?.

It is good that you realize how different your ways are when you are down.  One of the things that couples often neglect when getting to know each other are the ways we were raised to handle things like illness, bad times or holidays.  When you are ill you may be the type of person who likes someone to bring you your medicine or soup and another person could have been raised to not dote on someone by a parent who wanted him or her to toughen up..

I dont think that he is displaying cop out maneuvers.  Sometimes men do test women to see how attentive they are when they are sick or in need.   If he does do that, eventually you'd recognize it..

Not sure how his life is going to turn out.  If he continues to have repeated problems like what he has been experiencing then he is going to need to examine his life and his friends and his family to see who could be undermining things for him.  I have gone through that, a previous coworker/friend of mine went through the same thing a year before me and my lawyer also went through a time where people surrounded him and created harassing situations for him to deal with.  When your car breaks down after you take it to the mechanic, and your roof starts to leak, and you get fired...something is going on...it is not necessarily a dark cloud hanging over him.  It could be deliberate. LIke the movie "The Game" with Michael Douglas.   Iam not trying to scare you, but I am being straight with you..

Hey, if someone I really liked or loved stopped by with a nice dessert for me I'd want to keep him too.  I am not as lucky as you.  I dont have anyone to care about me like the two of you care about each other..

It sounds like you are handling your first grown up relationship (thru Match.com) just fine...good luck and enjoy..

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Comment #13

It is a human emotion to feel shut out but as you recognize he has been so very preoccupied by this string of unfortunate occurences.  So yes, check in to let him know you care and want to help him through all this.

,..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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