Now, has paired me up with Dane Cook...?

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My first question is: Now, has paired me up with Dane Cook...?.

My next question is: Ive been dating (online dating with a guy for about 5 months, and about 3 months into it we decided to date using exclusively. Hes great in so many ways, but a problem Ive been having is that hes not affectionate whatsoever unless were alone. Im a naturally affectionate person, but it's not like I expect him to be overly so. Just holding hands would suffice. The thing is, hes very affectionate when were alone, so this leads me to think hes either embarrassed or not used to public affection. And by public affection, I dont mean sloppy kissing or anything Im not into that kind of PDA either.


Since hes only like this in public, it makes me feel like Im just a friend when were out and about. I would never think we were dating (online dating with if I saw two people behaving like we did not even walking close, often not even walking in step. Sometimes I have to tell him to wait up because hes walking ahead of me..


Ive tried talking to him about it, but he really just closes down the discussion by not saying much, and just being like hmm and moving on to another topic. The thing is, he does try sometimes and grabs my hand (probably to placate me)but eventually I think he gets sick of it and just lets go. And Ive tried to be the one to grab his hand sometimes hes receptive, but only for so long before he cant do it anymore..


As a result, I find it hard to be affectionate with him when were alone, because I cant help but feel a little bit of resentment that hes all over me in private, but cant even walk alongside me in public. I think I just have to figure out whether Im going to be okay with him not being affectionate, because I dont want to force him and make him uncomfortable, and for it to be manufactured. But I dont think Im going to be okay with it because I have it admit it really makes me unhappy. The weird thing is, I feel like he was more affectionate in public when we first starting dating. Not hand holding or anything, but at least he would touch me every now and then..


I would just hate to break up due to this, because hes great in so many other ways, but I feel like it's something I need to decide soon while were still in the beginning stages, because itll just get harder to deal with as time goes on. I do sometimes wonder if Im being unreasonable. But to me, human contact is essential in reinforcing bonds that you build in a relationship. Sometimes I think our relationship (thru is weird in general Ive never heard him refer to me as his girlfriendtherefore, I feel uncomfortable calling him my boyfriend. I mean, thats what dating (online dating with exclusively means, right?.


Thanks for any input you may have! Just in case it matters, were both in our early 30s...

Comments (6)

Your question was: Now, has paired me up with Dane Cook...?.

This is sooo not a deal breaker....sounds like he is very private and keeps things like PDA personal and private. Talk to him about it. He has nothing to prove to anyone other than you how he feels. Maybe while you are out....grab his hand instead of waiting for him to do it..

Comment #1

Thanks for all your replies..

You're right, I definitely just need to bite the bullet and talk to him about it again, and not let him just give a non-answer. It's hard because I don't want to be the whiney girl complaining about why he won't just hold my hand and give affection, but it's not fair to either of us to let this deteriorate our relationship. The worst thing he can tell me is that he refuses, and then it's up to me to decide what my next move is..

I disagree with the last post that this isn't a dealbreaker, because I think it's ultimately up to each of us to decide what's important enough to end a relationship. And I totally agree with the statement that he has nothing to prove about how he feels to anybody except me. That's why he shouldn't care whether we're alone or in a crowd of people - because the constant is me. The other people don't matter. I don't want him to show affection as an exhibition to others, I want him to show affection consistently because he cares about me..

And I mentioned in my original post that I've grabbed his hand many times, thinking he was uncomfortable taking the initiative, but sooner or later he finds an excuse to let go..

Anyways, I'm definitely going to broach the subject this weekend - hopefully I won't wuss out!..

Comment #2

I agree, I think it is potentially a deal breaker too. .

My bf is affectionate in public, it's really sweet.  But his affection is really from the core, not because he is trying to make a show of it to me or to anyone else.  He kisses me or grabs my hand or hugs me because that's what he wants to do at that moment.  He doesn't hold back, i.e., he's not thinking "oh, I shouldnt do this because these people are here".  He just loves me and acts on it. ..

Comment #3

In a non- blaming way tell him you know he's not looking to hurt you. But you want to understand  why it's hard for him to be affectionate.  Then you can explain why it's important to you to get affection. After both people can empathize wtih each other's positions rather than blaming it is easier to move to a problem solving, compromise place.


Comment #4

Some people are not comfortable with this.  I really have to wonder why this is such an important issue for you.  If he is a good guy that is affectionate in private with you, and you purport not to care what other people think, then why is it SO important that he has to demonstrate his affection in every situation, public or private?  To a guy, complaining about this comes across as being very needy..

It's hard because I don't want to be the whiney girl complaining about why he won't just hold my hand and give affection, but it's not fair to either of us to let this deteriorate our relationship..

If it's not fair, then why are you doing it?  Is it really he that is letting the relationship (thru deteriorate?..

Comment #5

I think you need to read my post more carefully.I explain thoroughly why this is an important issue for me. I guess a more accurate statement for you would be that the you believe the reasons I state as to why this is an important issue for me don't seem justified to you. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you think my concerns are justified, because they exist regardless and are not something that can just be willed away.As I stated before, I don't care what others think. That's why my behavior doesn't change dependent on whether we're alone or with other people. As I stated before, I don't expect him to be ridiculously affectionate in public, but it means something that his behavior changes so drastically depending on the situation - alone he's all over me and in public he barely walks beside me.I don't find wanting him to be consistent being needy. And even if it were, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who wanted me to bury my feelings, in fear that I may be labeled as "needy" so I just tow the line to seem like the cool, hip girlfriend.

So if something is bothering him, it's important to me.I don't think you understood my statement about letting the relationship (thru deteriorate. The relationship (thru was deteriorating because I was letting the feelings of resentment and confusion affect our relationship (thru without giving him another chance to address the situation - whether it was positive or negative. Not that I was "whining." Relationships often deteriorate when one of the involved parties just let issues build and hide it from their partner, whether it's from fear, insecurity, etc. For everyone else, thanks for encouraging me to talk to him again. We actually had a really good discussion the other weekend about it.

He explained that it's been a really long time since he's been in a relationship, so he's not used to being affectionate, and that he's been building towards it. That's why it's much more comfortable for him to be affectionate in private, which was even hard for him at first. He's taken really good steps at holding my hand, etc. I still grab his hand sometimes, but he now reaches for mine as well. I'm careful not to always insist on it, because I understand that it's a process for him and he needs to do it at his own pace..

Comment #6

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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