Your question was: Now, match.com has paired me up with Dane Cook...?.
This is sooo not a deal breaker....sounds like he is very private and keeps things like PDA personal and private. Talk to him about it. He has nothing to prove to anyone other than you how he feels. Maybe while you are out....grab his hand instead of waiting for him to do it..
Thanks for all your replies..
You're right, I definitely just need to bite the bullet and talk to him about it again, and not let him just give a non-answer. It's hard because I don't want to be the whiney girl complaining about why he won't just hold my hand and give affection, but it's not fair to either of us to let this deteriorate our relationship. The worst thing he can tell me is that he refuses, and then it's up to me to decide what my next move is..
I disagree with the last post that this isn't a dealbreaker, because I think it's ultimately up to each of us to decide what's important enough to end a relationship. And I totally agree with the statement that he has nothing to prove about how he feels to anybody except me. That's why he shouldn't care whether we're alone or in a crowd of people - because the constant is me. The other people don't matter. I don't want him to show affection as an exhibition to others, I want him to show affection consistently because he cares about me..
And I mentioned in my original post that I've grabbed his hand many times, thinking he was uncomfortable taking the initiative, but sooner or later he finds an excuse to let go..
Anyways, I'm definitely going to broach the subject this weekend - hopefully I won't wuss out!..
I agree, I think it is potentially a deal breaker too. .
My bf is affectionate in public, it's really sweet. But his affection is really from the core, not because he is trying to make a show of it to me or to anyone else. He kisses me or grabs my hand or hugs me because that's what he wants to do at that moment. He doesn't hold back, i.e., he's not thinking "oh, I shouldnt do this because these people are here". He just loves me and acts on it. ..
In a non- blaming way tell him you know he's not looking to hurt you. But you want to understand why it's hard for him to be affectionate. Then you can explain why it's important to you to get affection. After both people can empathize wtih each other's positions rather than blaming it is easier to move to a problem solving, compromise place.
Some people are not comfortable with this. I really have to wonder why this is such an important issue for you. If he is a good guy that is affectionate in private with you, and you purport not to care what other people think, then why is it SO important that he has to demonstrate his affection in every situation, public or private? To a guy, complaining about this comes across as being very needy..
It's hard because I don't want to be the whiney girl complaining about why he won't just hold my hand and give affection, but it's not fair to either of us to let this deteriorate our relationship..
If it's not fair, then why are you doing it? Is it really he that is letting the relationship (thru Match.com) deteriorate?..
I think you need to read my post more carefully.I explain thoroughly why this is an important issue for me. I guess a more accurate statement for you would be that the you believe the reasons I state as to why this is an important issue for me don't seem justified to you. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you think my concerns are justified, because they exist regardless and are not something that can just be willed away.As I stated before, I don't care what others think. That's why my behavior doesn't change dependent on whether we're alone or with other people. As I stated before, I don't expect him to be ridiculously affectionate in public, but it means something that his behavior changes so drastically depending on the situation - alone he's all over me and in public he barely walks beside me.I don't find wanting him to be consistent being needy. And even if it were, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who wanted me to bury my feelings, in fear that I may be labeled as "needy" so I just tow the line to seem like the cool, hip girlfriend.
So if something is bothering him, it's important to me.I don't think you understood my statement about letting the relationship (thru Match.com) deteriorate. The relationship (thru Match.com) was deteriorating because I was letting the feelings of resentment and confusion affect our relationship (thru Match.com) without giving him another chance to address the situation - whether it was positive or negative. Not that I was "whining." Relationships often deteriorate when one of the involved parties just let issues build and hide it from their partner, whether it's from fear, insecurity, etc. For everyone else, thanks for encouraging me to talk to him again. We actually had a really good discussion the other weekend about it.
He explained that it's been a really long time since he's been in a relationship, so he's not used to being affectionate, and that he's been building towards it. That's why it's much more comfortable for him to be affectionate in private, which was even hard for him at first. He's taken really good steps at holding my hand, etc. I still grab his hand sometimes, but he now reaches for mine as well. I'm careful not to always insist on it, because I understand that it's a process for him and he needs to do it at his own pace..