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Now dating (online dating with Match.com) but his ex is pregnant

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I have now been dating (online dating with Match.com) for almost three months.  After the first month my boyfriend told me that he had just found out that his ex is 3 month pregnant but she didn't know whether or not she was going to keep it.   Just yesterday, about 2 months later, he told me he is expecting a girl but she still doesn't know what she is going to do.  He has become very excited but originally did not want this at all.  He said that he would not leave me out of the whole thing and he does not want to loose me.  He says that he loves me and has been considering marriage once again.  He has been very truthful but I just have a feeling that there is something that I might be missing.   I am feeling very insecure because I do not know why they had broken up or if he might change his mind to the "right thing".    By the way...  I am 42 and he is 43. ..

Comments (5)

Your question was: Now dating (online dating with Match.com) but his ex is pregnant.

What a way to start a relationship, ugh.  You have a choice to make and it will not be an easy one because this child and this woman will always be a part of his life.  Either you stick it out and hopefully he stays true to you or leave knowing that things will grow increasingly complicated as life goes on for this man and his child...

Comment #1

This happened to me once, too ... only I was 19 and he was 21 ... we had also been dating (online dating with Match.com) 3 months (it was a summer thing, ha!) but even at my very young 19, I was smart enough to say ... "see ya later, bud!  Too much drama" ... and you'd be wise to, too.    Here's why:.

YOu said << I have now been dating (online dating with Match.com) for almost three months.  After the first month my boyfriend told me that he had just found out that his ex is 3 month pregnant >>.

Ok, so ... he was still sleeping with her when you were first dating.  Now, 3 months ago ... and no exclusivity between you and him initially ... sure, he can be sleeping with or dating (online dating with Match.com) whomever he wants.   However, I'm wondering if he told you he was single and unattached ... but really wasn't?  (that's what happened for me ... they had 'sort of broken up' ...

Unless someone has made a FULL AND COMPLETE break ... they aren't fully available for a relationship (thru Match.com) ... in which case, you were misled).

Secondly, even if they were broken up ... if he was still sleeping with her ... that's not a good sign ... and if he was still sleeping with her ... and dating (online dating with Match.com) you ... at the same time ...



So, consider that RED FLAG #1. .

Next, << He says that he loves me and has been considering marriage once again >> ... You've been dating (online dating with Match.com) for 3 months and he loves you?   .

Consider that RED FLAG #2.    He doens't KNOW YOU (nor you him) enough to know that he loves you.   Like a lot?  Yes.  Lust (often confused with love early on)?  Yes.  But, love?  No.  .

Secondly, the 'considering marriage once again' thing sounds like something he's saying to keep you interested in the continuing this relationship.    At 42, you have to be wise enough to not fall for this type of stuff.  .

Lastly, << He has been very truthful but I just have a feeling that there is something that I might be missing.>>.

Trust your spidey-sense.  Your instincts are there for a reason.   Thing is, at 3 months, you don't know a person well enough to truly know their character.  You can say he's been very truthful ... but, what do you really know ... you can only know what he tells you, you can only choose to believe (or not) what he tells you ... but, how do you REALLY know the truth? .

And by that, I mean ... how do you REALLY know that she's really his ex?   Consider the timing, he could have been still with her ... and with you on the side.   Unless you're 100% positive that that's not the case then ... you should not be even talking to this man.  .

Reason I suspect he may be seeing both of you is ... you said << I am feeling very insecure because I do not know why they had broken up or if he might change his mind to the "right thing". >> ... not that you have to know the nitty-gritty details of their break up ... but, an open and honest person will not have any trouble saying "we broke up because of xyz" ... but, if there was NO BREAK-UP ... could that be the reason why you don't know why?  (he can't explain what doesn't exist/never took place).

However, if you are 100% sure he hasn't been seeing both of you ... and want to continue this relationship (thru Match.com) ... then, be prepared for an uphill battle/rollercoaster of emotions ... dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy with a pregnant ex ... he's going to be under a ton of stress ... which is going to make it difficult if not near-impossible to build a relationship (thru Match.com) with you.

I have to ask you to ask yourself "what's in it for me?" ... that's not a selfish question ... it's a self-care question.

Good luck ... let us know how it goes, what you decide...

Comment #2

How long was he with his ex?  Why did it end? He's just been with you 3 months after a serious relationship (thru Match.com) and now he's talking marriage already?  And yes the baby complicates things. I would tread carefully.

,..

Comment #3

I don't think my post was very clear.  He had been broken up with her for 2 month b4 we got together.  A month after dating (online dating with Match.com) he found out that she was 3-4 months pregnant.  I just asked him about their relationship (thru Match.com) and he said that she was   downing him, comparing his kids to hers, and was not supportive.  He also said that she was needy and she wanted him to be with her 24/24.  When he wasn't with her she always said that he was sleeping with someone else ...  yada yada yada...  I don't get that feeling about him.  Yes he is considering it but no right now.  But in the future.  Ok..  when he told me that she was pregnant...  she said she did not want the baby because she has 3 already (not his).  I told him that if she was close to 4 months than she could not have an abortion.    He has been very forthright with me about everything and I don't have the feeling that he is playing games (which I am very familiar with).  He also said that he wants me to be a part of this also and does not want me to be excluded and will not allow any drama into our relationship. .

I am treading very carefully.  I can't blame him about the pregnancy or say that he was cheating or has been.  I have been very nervous that once the baby is born..  you know the right thing but he said that he can be a father without being with her.  I suppose all of this depends on the both of them.  We will see...

Comment #4

I would say this is not the best way to start a relationship.  He does not really know you to be able to say that's he's thinking of marriage again - crazy!  If you do stay you need to accept the fact that he will be involved with the ex regularly because of the child and he may not have enough time to really get to know you to develop a relationship.  You need to out weigh the good and bads and choose the one that's best for you.  You need to think long-term, not just the moment right now that it's only been three months - you have not investing anything you can't do without.    I had a rocky 12 year marriage prior to becoming widowed, have been in a couple of relationship, and would much rather be single than in an unhappy relationship.  It's okay to be single - a man does not complete and/or make us whole, we owe happiness to ourselves, not by a man.   I wish you well in deciding what you are going to do, follow your heart, and ask the Lord for guidance on what's best for you..

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Anna.

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Comment #5


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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