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Not sure if I'm that special to him

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I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy for 1 1/2 months, seeing him twice a week lately and the last three Saturdays.  I really felt like things were moving along.  He kept telling me how he likes me more and more as time passes and I can tell he's interested in just spending time with me rather than hopping into bed.  He asked me what I think of him yesterday when we went out and I think he was flattered too.  Lately, he always has his arm around me or is holding my hand and he kisses me at the most unexpected moments so I though he's starting to care. .

 .

Well, I felt he was giving me the verbal reassurance that I needed and I guess things got a bit more physical yesterday so I thought it was a good time to bring up if the other was seeing other people.  He told me yes which I admit I wasn't too happy about but I got more upset about the fact that he avoided the question and remained silent as I waited for an answer.  When I asked him how long he usually takes to decide to stop dating (online dating with Match.com) other women, he was elusive too.  I didn't throw a temper tantrum but I'm usually very quiet and distant when I'm upset.  Normally, I'm very talkative so I guess he hadn't seen that side of me yet.  I told him I usually date using Match.com only one person at a time but I know that other people don't.  He tried continuing with the petting but I told him I can't let him do that if he's dating (online dating with Match.com) other women.  So he just held me there and he asked me for a kiss but I put no emotion into the kiss so think he could tell I wasn't in the mood.  I just remained silent because I felt slightly rejected and because I was waiting for him to say something but he said nothing.  He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him I wanted to go home though he waited for me to get up first so I thought he would say something but again, nothing.  So I got up and I walked silently with his hand in mine.  He then stopped walking and said bye to me as if we weren't going to see each other again.  I told him I still wanted to see him but I just get silent when I'm thinking.  He pulled me close and asked me for a hug and I hugged him but again, with little emotion.  When he asked me when I wanted to see him again, I said Saturday but he insisted on Wednesday (we usually meed mid-week and Saturday).  When I asked him if he couldn't wait until Saturday, he said he had already made plans with somebody for next Saturday.  I felt so downgraded at that moment but I agreed, gave him a quick peck on the lips and said goodnight. .

I'm going to see him Wednesday but I feel like the romance kind of came to a halt and now I feel like keeping my distance and starting to date using Match.com other people while keeping things with him a bit more platonic.  I have had very bad experiences with men using me for sex and now I'm so scared of getting physical with a guy who is not loyal to me.  Did I handle this situation badly and how do you think I should go from here?  It's hard for me to have those warm fuzzy feelings for him now that I know there are other candidates around.  Maybe I'm silly jealous but I was really liking the guy.  Please help...

Comments (12)

Your question was: Not sure if I'm that special to him.

Well, personally, I think you have articulated exactly what happened.  You seem to have been downgraded.  He didn't tell you lies or anything.  You are now "Wednesday" woman...downgraded from Wednesday and Saturday woman..

You can either accept it or you can forget him.  He hasn't told you it will be more.  The choice is yours but he made his intentions quite clear. .

Sorry....I wish it was better for you...

Comment #1

Honey, 1 1/2 months is nothing to be thinking in dating (online dating with Match.com) "exclusively". He's dating (online dating with Match.com) more women, but being sexual with you AND others perhaps? If you've had bad experiences in the past regarding sexual behavior, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy before talking exclusive? Ya know, you're sleeping with all the other women as well..

I'd stop the sex and date using Match.com other men, like he's dating (online dating with Match.com) other women. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. This way, you'll be choosing and not waiting to be chosen...

Comment #2

Did you talk to him about dating (online dating with Match.com) other people before or after getting physical?  If you don't want to have sex unless you're in a committed relationship, then you need to make sure you have the conversation before things get hot and heavy..

I personally think it's a bit early to decide to commit to each other.  If you can handle it, I would recommend still dating (online dating with Match.com) him (but telling him you're not going to be physical with him anymore until you two decide to become exclusive).  But, if you can't handle it and can no longer enjoy being with him, then you should end it because it would just be awkward and no fun for both of you..

 ..

Comment #3

We have not had sex at all but I just said we have been getting more physical ie. him touching my breasts and being physically close with our clothes on.  So I thought we were moving toward sex and I'd bring up the subject of whether we're dating (online dating with Match.com) other people.  When it turned out that he is, I put the brakes on the physical stuff.  I know that others can handle dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for months non-exclusively and not get overly jealous or feel rejected but I can't.  I felt rejected though I don't know if my reaction was justifiable and was trying to find out if it was.  He always talks about seeing me again and makes plans with me ahead of time plus he's very reliable and keeps promises so I don't think he necessarily wants to get rid of me.  But I think keeping me around in case something else comes along is more like it...

Comment #4

I personally would cut him off, as in not see him anymore.  And when I say this, it is just a statement about me of course and then you just take from it what you like.  I'm not a casual dater.  I'm about being number 1 in someone's life.  Not #2, 3, or 4.  If there are sparks and it is a real connection, he won't even care about anybody else.  But this is soley based on my experience where we knew within a week that we were it and were together every day after that.  I have gone out on many first dates.  I never saw them again because there was nothing there.   I give it maybe up to three weeks.  If there's no massively strong pull by then, coming from both sides, to induce exclusivity, then there never will be and then it's just wasting my time.  Six weeks is already twice too long for me for someone to make up their mind.  In fact, if it's real, it's not about making up your mind because neither of you really have a choice.  You're just in love!  If he doesn't feel the same way, then bye-bye.  .

 .

  ..

Comment #5

Looking at exclusivity after 6 weeks is not too soon.   I have had those conversations within one month of dating (online dating with Match.com) and it went very smoothly because we both wanted to only see each other..

I think you know the answer to your own question because if he is seeing multiple women then you are not that special to him.  It is pretty obvious..

You can ride this out and continue to have bad dates with him or...you can tell him that you like being #1 and the only one.  If you really like the guy then keep the door open in case he decides that he wants only one person and that one person would be you.  He did hesitate in answering you but he did answer you honestly.  It's your life, so it is your choice..not HIS...as to what you get out of life...

Comment #6

If I am reading this correctly, the two of you never had a coversation about only dating (online dating with Match.com) each other?  Is this correct?  If the two of you never had that conversation, he probably assumed that you were both dating (online dating with Match.com) other people and enjoying getting to know each other as well ESPECIALLY, if the two of you have not had sex.  If you never told him that you were not dating (online dating with Match.com) others and expected that he was not dating (online dating with Match.com) others as well, then you are holding him to an expectation that he had no knowledge of.  That's not fair to him any more than it would be fair to you if he were expecting you to behave in a way that he never expressed to you.  His reaction when you asked if he was seeing other women was somewhat normal considering the circumstances. He probably feared that once he told you the truth (which he did) you would get upset and not want to continue dating (online dating with Match.com) him (which it sounds lke you did) his fears were confirmed..

However, this can possibly still be salvaged if you want it to be.  I would have another conversation with him about why you brought the conversation up in the first place.  It seems that the two of you were getting more physical with one another and you don't want to become intimate unless you are exclusive.  That is a perfectly acceptable thing to ask of a man that you are dating.  If he wants to continue to date using Match.com other women then you have to tell him that you are not comfortable with becoming intimate.  (Side note:  you also have to decide what you are okay with and make sure to express that to him.)  You also have to be ready for what ever his decision is.  Many people don't have these important conversations because they fear that the other person will not want the same things that they do and they will have to end the relationship.  In other words, they fear rejection.  Keep in mind that if he is not in the same place as you ,that it is not a rejection, it just simply means you're not on the same page right now. Your job is to decide what that means for you. Do you give it more time or do you end it?.

 .

Good luck and hugs! .

YG.

Http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/..

Comment #7

Honestly, sometimes I find this whole concept of non-exclusive dating (online dating with Match.com) mind-boggling. Here in Europe what he is doing would be called cheating, full stop - no matter whether it's been 6 weeks or 6 months, as exclusivity is pretty much assumed from the very start. Here, you do it the old fashioned way: you meet someone you like who likes you back = the two of you start dating (online dating with Match.com) EACH OTHER only, until one or the other feels that something is not quite what they were looking for/missing/not right etc - you then advise the other person accordignly and part ways - after which you are free to date using Match.com whomever else you wish. There is absolutely no way that I could accept dating (online dating with Match.com) someone whilst knowing that he is seeing other women - and by that I mean even going out on dates/kissing etc let alone a full blown physical thing...

Comment #8

Hi Newlyfoundsunshine,.

I completely 100% agree with how you feel. It's not just Europe where some people believe that, it's me too and I'm in the U.S.  To each there own, if other people feel comfortable dating (online dating with Match.com) a couple guys at the same time, or having their guy date using Match.com other women, that's fine, that's their choice, but it's not mine..

Everything you said in your post is exactly how I think and what I want too.  YEARS ago I have dated 2 guys at the same time and to tell you the truth I kinda felt guilty. That's just ME, I want to be the only one someone is dating (online dating with Match.com) and vise versa. If other people find that strange or out-dated, that's their opinion. ..

Comment #9

You asked him a question ... he gave you an honest answer, that he was still seeing other people ... which he (and you) are allowed to do prior to establishing exclusivity ... if being exclusive is what you want and it's not what he wants, then ... you cut your loses.   Sucks but ... it's that simple.  He didn't give you the answer you wanted to hear.

Then, he's not the guy for you.    .

Simple.    Back to basics.   No need to complicate. ..

Comment #10

"Here in Europe what he is doing would be called cheating, full stop".

This is true, I am in Europe as well.  It is exclusive pretty much right away...

Comment #11

Yes he has been clear as to how he is prepared to treat you.  So it's up to you not to accept such treatment and to move on..

,..

Comment #12


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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