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New "Relationship" need advice...

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Ok - so I've been dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for almost two months, but we're still not "technically" boyfriend-girlfriend. We met completely randomly when we were both downtown in the city that I live in (well at least where I'm living this summer) when we accidentaly bumped into each other while waiting to get into the same bar. Anyways, we ended up just talking and hanging out the whole night and just had an amazing time together. At the end of the evening we exchanged phone numbers and I gave him just a little peck on the cheek and we parted ways. I've never given someone that I barely knew my phone number and I just had this gut feeling that he wasn't going to call me. Well, I sure was surprised when he called me the next day.

I was with my best friend (who is a great judge of character) when I met him and she approved so I decided to just go for it and meet up with him again. I figured - what do I have to lose? So anyways, our first official date using Match.com went REALLY well. The conversation was great and we just had a lot of fun together. For the next couple of weeks we continued to talk on the phone and we went on quite a few more dates and everything was going REALLY well. After the first month of dating (online dating with Match.com) I was at his place when we got "carried away" and I ended up sleeping with him (something I have NEVER done - I've always been in a seriously commited relationship (thru Match.com) for MONTHES before I slept with someone - which is only two other people).

Even so, things in our "relationship" carried on as normal. We continued to talk on the phone and go out on dates and everything was still going REALLY well. He even introduced me to part of his family! Not only that, but he was always the one to call me and set up our dates. Anyways, for the last week he has simply been ignoring my phone calls and when he does return my phone calls he has some lame excuse for why he didn't call me earlier. Granted, we're not in an "official" relationship, but it's still common courtesy to return phone calls - especially when you've been dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for over a month.

Just last week everything was FINE and now he's acting like I'm a chore to him. I just don't understand how everything can be perfectly fine one day and then BOOM he's not interested. And I do know the signs of when someone's no longer interested - they become uniterested in what you have to say, they don't go out of their way on dates, and they just show general apathy to the relationship. There were NONE of these signs - just BOOM like he woke up one morning and just changed his mind. I don't understand how this happens!!! My only thought is that he's worried about the fact that in the fall I will be finishing up my last year of college and I happen to go to college somewhere that is six hours away from him (granted - we still have two monthes to figure things out before I go back to school).

I honestly have no idea what caused his sudden change in heart. I'm just hurt and confused about how something can be going so well and then suddenly take a 180. Any ideas on what is going on?One last thing to add - this IS NOT the first time this has happened to me. My last boyfriend and I had been in an "official" relationship (thru Match.com) for a couple of monthes when he just suddenly changed his mind about the whole thing. It's scary because it's like the same situation above (except for the fact that I didn't have sex with my ex boyfriend).

Everything is perfectly fine (better than fine - amazing actually) and then BOOM he suddenly wakes up and decides he no longer wants a relationship. I know what the signs of a failing relationship (thru Match.com) are (believe me - I've had some of those too), but neither of these "relationships" had those signs!!! I'm just hurt and confused. Any advice/help is greatly appreciated...

Comments (9)

Your question was: New "Relationship" need advice....

Have you asked him why he has had a sudden change of heart? Guys are doing this to a lot of women, not just you. Not all men, but too many to count. It seems as though they want women to experience the feeling of what it is like to date using Match.com a fickle person. Women have always been portrayed as "fickle" by scorned men. It seems that men have formed a "mens movement" complete with: ghosting (men who just disappear), jekyll & hyde (moods shifting drastically), fickle behavior all this just so women can be traumatized and become more compliant all to counteract the women's movement from decades ago. It seems that some men never got over the fact that women want to pave their own way in the world and can afford to be choosey about who they date.

I remember one woman being happy that her husband brought home a paycheck - that's all. Imagine being reduced to the point that you are grateful for his paycheck - never mind the b.s. he put her through just to get that paycheck.The fact that you experienced this in both an unofficial and official relationship (thru Match.com) says that you will never be able to tell 100% what intentions a guy has for you when you start dating. Think back - what did these two relationships have in common? The guy may be great when you first start dating...but pay attention to his eyes...is there a soul in there? Or is there a vacancy sign posted?Does he smile and hug, but when you look into his eyes - again (keep looking in the eyes) - is there real emotion or someone going through the motions? People can act and people can change the expression of their faces - but their anger or their coldness can be seen in their eyes. It is not the expression around their eyes, but in their eyes you will see who they really are - pay attention to actions matching words, but....ignore the compliments, the hugs, the artful speaking - it is in their eyes...

Comment #1

It's funny that you mention the eyes because I felt that in both "relationships" we truly connected with each other just by simply looking into each others eyes. You're absolutely right - most women forget the eyes, but I honestly felt that I saw the true him when I looked into his eyes (a warmhearted caring person that was truly interested in me and a potential relationship). Up untill about a week ago everything was going REALLY well - no coldness - nothing. He was his typical self and acted the same around me as he always had. This whole situation is just so strange for me. It's like a switch just flipped in his head.

I called him a couple of days ago and he still hasn't returned my call - at this point I'm beginning to lose hope of him ever calling. Any other ideas on what could be going on? Am I really just clueless?.

Edited 6/29/2007 3:40 pm ET by pointebeing..

Comment #2

Hi pointebeing,.

Since he's not returning your calls, you mostly have to wait it out. However, please don't assume this means you have become a 'chore' to him.  That might be how you FEEL, but that doesn't mean that's how HE feels..

Are you sure nothing has happened to him, like an accident?..

Comment #3

Okay, aside from an accident, do you think there is another woman?"Just last week everything was FINE and now he's acting like I'm a chore to him." > how does he convey that feeling to you?"I just don't understand how everything can be perfectly fine one day and then BOOM he's not interested." > it happens. the problem is that when someone does that - they have put thought into it, just not in front of you and will not show signs of disinterest...

Comment #4

Thanks everyone once again for all of the great ideas. And to the thought of another women, my gut tells me no. I once dated someone that cheated and I almost instantly knew - my instinct just told me (and he hadn't given me any signs). He's a fairly shy guy and I honestly find it hard to believe that theres someone on the side - that would be a true shocker to my "woman's intuition." If anything, he's just spending all of his time with his guy "buddies." Anyways, just for a little more background, I saw him last thursday and everything was perfectly fine. I then called him saturday and once again everything was fine. He told me that he would call me on monday when he was done with work.

Anyways, he called me tuesday afternoon and asked if I was interested in getting together later that night and I said I was and then he said he would give me a call later so that we could make plans. However, he made it seem like he only wanted to make plans if I was willing to go to his side of town (which hes also never done before - we usually just meet up halfway or he picks me up and then we go out). Fastforward to later tuesday night and by 9:30 he STILL hadn't called me to make plans. At this point I was starting to get REALLY mad that he hadn't even bothered to call me make. Anyways, he called me at around midnight (which one again hes never done - he usually calls before 11), but I didn't answer because I had gone to bed because I was so irritated.

And since wednesday - he just hasn't called. I also sent him a text message just asking if he had gotten my voicemail and he never even responded to that. I mean I know it's only friday, but I just know somethings up and I just WISH he would give me a call. I don't want to be a nag or a pest by calling him anymore, because I'm sure he's gotten my message by now. If things are over between the two of us (which still confuses me because everything was perfectly fine less than a week ago) than I want him to TELL me and not just ignore meI mean I guess some sort of accident is possible, but once again I think it's unlikely.

I'm sure he thought about it before he just randomly stopped calling me, I just wish he would have showed his disinterest a little bit more on the outside than just holding it all in and then this happens Does anyone think he will *eventually* call - or has he just disappeared?..

Comment #5

Now that you've posted some of the actual events leading up to the silence, it makes a little more sense. I thought maybe he'd gone over a week with no phone call, but now it seems like this is some misunderstanding between you, probably your first one, and hey, you know, it happens.Question: Is he required to call you daily? I realize you were miffed about the late-night phone call, but what was your tone and attitude like when you called him the next day? In hindsight, would it have been the worst thing in the world to go to his side of town on Tuesday night? Maybe he was having car issues, maybe he'd had an exceptionally long day at work, maybe he had a surprise waiting for you, maybe he was disappointed you didn't seem much interested in seeing him that night unless he came and got you or met you halfway? I'm just asking because any number of thigns could be going on and it's slly to jump to conclusions about his motivations or whether he's "sinister" or not.So you can practice being negative and allow that kind of influence into your life, which truly will only make you a bitter woman way before your time, or you can give some benefit of the doubt and quit jumping to conclusions, remember you don't know people's personal agendas. Maybe he's a little miffed at the miscommunication, maybe he's embarrassed about it and doesn't know how to handle it, maybe he did in fact lose some interest, but *none* of that makes him a user, a player, an a-hole or anything of the sort. It makes him human, and humans don't always know how to act or what to say.To be honest, it seems as though you're in your first "fight" and you're both having a hard time deciding who's going to be the first to offer an olive branch. Who will it be?Best,.

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #6

Well, the issue has been resolved and I feel absolutely rediculous for jumping to such crazy conclusions. I guess my only excuse is that because this has happened to me before I just immediately jumped to the wrong conclusions and assumed that he was no longer interested. I've NEVER been a person to act in such a manner and I told myself I would never do this... Anyways, what happened is that his dad had a minor heart attack and he wanted to go visit him (his dad lives in Thailand) and he just got caught up in family issues. I honestly still can't believe how much I overreacted to a simple misunderstanding. I guess when my heart begins to become involved I act in ways that I would normally think are completely unacceptable...

Thanks for everyones help - it is greatly appreciated! If you have any suggestions on how I can learn to relax a little bit more when it comes to relationships - I'd appreciate that too!!!..

Comment #7

Very sorry about his father, I hope he's well soon.I have two suggestions for you on how to relax and not jump to conclusions:1. Realize that it's not always going to be about you (most important)2. Learn to quit bringing your past into your present, live in the now, deal with *today*To that end, ead two books: Working on Your relationship (thru Match.com) Doesn't Work by Ariel and Shya Kane, and, Make Every Man Want You (or Make Yours Want You More) by Marie Forleo. Get over that title, the book is awesome Good luck, and remember what I said about other people's personal agenda, it can cloud your judgement and color your view If you let it Best,.

 .

CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.

CL-Understanding Men.

CL-Ask the dating (online dating with Match.com) Doyenne.

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. Tom Robbins..

Comment #8

I'm glad you feel the issue has been resolved. Hopefully in the future your BF calls you to let you know that he needs to take a trip to Thailand on short notice. I would think he would want to confide in you. So, he called you when he got back?..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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