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New date using Match.com has cold feet

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I recently dated a guy for a month and all was going well from my perspective. It was relaxed and we met usually once a week. However the week after we had sex he freaked out, stopped even hugging me, and when I asked, said he had cold feet and chronicled all the ways I irritated him. He wanted to leave his options open though, and said why don't we be friends after a break of a month and see if anything happens. I left thinking it was over, and for the better, but then he contacted me the very next day and apologized. A week later he called because he was lonely and wanted to go out.

I still have feelings for him, but don't want to be his fall back option.Has anyone had experience with this? Should I see it as a sign of more bad behavior to come, or forgive him for having a bad moment? He really did come up with a long and painful list of my faults that night and it will be hard to forget all those comments. There have been other signs too that he lacks social skills and has a hard time negotiating the stress of being around another person, particularly a woman. But he does have his attractions as well... Confused! Torn!..

Comments (11)

Your question was: New date using Match.com has cold feet.

This guy sounds like a bundle of nerves. Any man that comes up with a list of faults and reads them to you within one month has issues. You can proceed with caution, but he doesn't sound like a desirable guy to date.I wouldn't go out with him again just because he is lonely. That is not a good reason to date using Match.com and after only one month of dating (online dating with Match.com) a person should not want a month break from someone.If he did all of this because he cant handle the stress and the closeness of a relationship (thru Match.com) then he needs to get help...

Comment #1

I agree - and also why would the OP want to even be 'friends' with someone who is finds so many irritating things about her? This is not someone to expend time or energy on - just a headache waiting to happen!.

Toni..

Comment #2

Well...we all get irritated by each other at some point or another, particularly when we are under stress. Most of us just have the good sense to keep our mouths shut, take some personal time and get over it.I honestly walked out of this thinking it was over. But he seems to be making an effort to make amends. The problem is, I don't know if this effort stems from: 1) general loneliness or 2) a recognition that his irritation was his own issue, not mine.It is, of course, my interpretation that he is lonely. I am worried that he is making it up with me not because he values me, but just because he has no other options. THAT is the dilemma I can't sort out...

Comment #3

Ok - you've dated for a month and there is stress - from what? and on who's side? If there is so much stress in his life that he is easily irritated, then he isn't a good choice for dating. That withstanding - I can't imagine 'listing' to anyone what I perceived to be their quirks or weaknesses , esp to people I don't know well. with people I know and love we acknowledge them when they come up, with people I don't know well, I would likely just choose to limit or eliminate contact without telling them. I would be highly put off by this - it's tantamount to saying "thisis what's wrong with you" and is rude and unnecessary.Regardless, go with your gut feelings - they never lead you astray. Make it a choice to only spend time and energy on people who bring out your best and vice versa even in friendship. if you 'irritate' him then you don't have the best of each other.

That is not an endearing thing to have occurred.Friends do not 'dismiss' you even when under stress - he did. While stress does cause people to act out on occassion, it's not an excuse for bad behavior. If you choose to allow him in your life, don't be surprised for more of the same.

Toni..

Comment #4

Honey, when life throws an undesireable situation at you have two option. Take what is on offer or take a walk. If I were you, I would take the walk. Do you really want to be with a man who calls you because he is lonley? Hell no. We all deserve to be with someone who genuinely WANTS to be in our lives. I had a situation once where I was dating (online dating with Match.com) someone for 3 months and thought things were fine.

I promptly showed him a whole new option......the door. To this day, I have never regretted that decision. A lot of people end up in relationships simply because the other person happens to "be there", instead of both parties mutually wanting to be with eachother with the same feelings...

Comment #5

Askmissfabulous and tonitoons make excellent points: you dont want to dismiss how someone handles stress like dating (online dating with Match.com) because, let's face it, times can get tough and you dont want to be left with the problems and a liability like him. Plus you dont want to date using Match.com someone who sees you as just "there". You want someone to WANT you.About one week before my divorce was final in regards to my first husband, he decided he would like to reconcile. Things didn't work out between him and the woman he left me for. I could tell that he was interested in reconciling because he was afraid of being alone. I declined to reconcile.

I saw someone who was afraid of being alone. I dont regret it.After a while my first ex husband began dating (online dating with Match.com) a woman whom he eventually married. But before they married he presented her with a list of qualities that he was looking for in a woman and that she needed to mirror this list. I'm sure he detailed her faults too, but he phoned me to tell me that she left in a huff about this list of good qualities and ranting something that I "f%cked up his head for other women" who are not perfect. Yeah, I was sooo perfect that he decided that he didnt want me anymore.

I hope she realizes now that she was wrong. But I was curious about this list. I asked him to read me the list. I couldn't stop laughing..because he was describing me. So...I saw an opening I couldnt resist...and I said, "you miss me dont you?" Of course I had no interest in reconciling with him...still.

I still gloat about it. They did eventually marry, but they also divorced years later. He had an affair AGAIN...shocker!But, it sounds like you are settling because YOU don't want to start over looking for someone else because this guy is a total turnoff...

Comment #6

Sorry about your ex. Sounds rough. It is hard to walk away when someone tries to reconcile! And starting over again is a pain. Everyone seems to agree though...sigh...

Comment #7

We all get irritated with each other, but not generally in the first month, and if we do, we don't make a laundry list of how and sit the person we're dating (online dating with Match.com) down and make sure they know all their faults. This is the stage where you're supposed to be getting to know each other and be all starry-eyed and stupid for each other, not critical and judgemental. If he's doing that now, I wonder what it will be like when he's NOT on his best behavior.

***If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)***..

Comment #8

I think you are right about not wanting to be his fallback option. He asked to seperate for a month, have him stick to it. I understand thinking about overlooking this one bad moment , but he said some hurtful things that he probablly means to a certain extent. Stay away for a month and see if he still finds these things annoying or if he misses you. You don't have to state what it is you are doing , or if you want to and he asks "why aren't we hanging out." then you can simply say "I think maybe you are right, we should take some time apart." You should look at other options while you are apart. Good luck...

Comment #9

Funny , after reading through everyone's responses, I realized I did this very same thing to a guy Id been dating (online dating with Match.com) about a month after we slept together a few times. I said what I said to him and meant it, a lot of frustration and what was underneath all that was things were moving too fast. I was very young (23) and we did stay together for about a year. He moved in with me about a month later having fought with his dad whom he lived with. He was 28 at the time and his dad who shared his same first, last and middle name, took his car so my boyfriend and I ended up sharing mine. It really was too much.

Anyways, my point is, if this guy thinks these things about you and wants to use you to gain confidence or for whatever his purposes are, don't let him. Why should you? But then again, maybe he is afraid things are moving too fast, are you pressuring him like I feel my ex did?..

Comment #10

This is totally a sign of bad behavior and confusion on his part.  Do you really need this kind of trouble? The "attractions" certainly don't outweigh the negatives here.

,..

Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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