My girlfriend is on!!?

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My first question is: My girlfriend is on!!?.

My next question is: I've been dating (online dating with a very nice guy for 2 months now and we've been intimate since the 3rd date.  As time goes by, he's getting more and more into me and I'm getting less and less into him.  I'm not really sure why because he is a great guy and everything that I've been looking for.  But for some reason, I'm just not feeling what I think I should be feeling.  Meanwhile, I'm afraid he's falling in love with me and I don't want to hurt him.  So, I think I really need to end it now before things go any further.  But what do I say?  I have very little experience breaking up with men and really dread this.  I know I should do it in person but do I do it after a date?  Over dinner?  Right away and not even go on the date?  Any advice you could give me would be welcome!..

Comments (19)

Your question was: My girlfriend is on!!?.

Ugh, that's a tough one.  I would say the best thing to do would be to ask him to meet you in a semi-public place, like a park or something, where you can walk and talk with some privacy but not be completely alone.  Doing it during the day on a weekend would probably be best so that he doesn't have to go back to work or whatever..

An alternative would be for you to go to his house, again I think during the day on a weekend would be good timing (or at least better timingthere's no good time to be broken up with of course)..

I know I'd feel terrible if I went to dinner with someone and he broke up with me over dinner so that's why I think that's not a good idea..



Comment #1

Ok, and what do I say????.

It just dawned on me that I've never broken up with a man before - and I'm 51 years old!  I always "hang in there" because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  And now that I'm finally ready to put my own feelings first I don't know how to do it. ..

Comment #2

Maybe something along the lines of, I've given this some thought, and I like you and enjoy your company but I don't think we're compatible enough to continue dating. .

In other words, something true but neutral enough not to be hurtful and mean..



Comment #3

And if he presses me for details?  Just keep it neutral, right?  No details, right?.

Sorry to be so needy about this!  I really appreciate your help!..

Comment #4

I agree with Sheri - do it in a public place..

I dated a guy for 12 days earlier this summer.  He felt so many sparks that he didn't notice I was not feeling anything!!!  He tried to get the "3 date using rule" out of the way in the first 2 days....

He inundated me with flowers and cards and sweet talk.  I kept thinking that something must be wrong with me 'cause this was the kind of man I had always dreamed of having in my life..

Anyway I chose an area at the waterfront when he was finished with work.  Beautiful summer day; lots of people; and boy am I glad I did..

It took 2 hours to do the deed.  He kept pressing me for details and I kept telling him there really were no details only that I knew it was in both our best interests to stop seeing each other because I was not able to return the feelings he had for me.  The man broke down crying...again thank goodness for the public place.  I never would have thought that a guy in his 50's would have reacted that way....

Just be gentle and give consideration to where you have your talk.  I don't know what area of the country you are in...I do know that living in Michigan I would not have wanted to be shut up in his or my car having this discussion...I made sure we were standing outside for the entire 2 hours and that way when it was finally over I was able to walk over to my car and leave.  If we had had this talk in one of our vehicles I may still be there trying to get it over!.

Anyway, you will do fine so long as you break the news to him as you would want it broken to you...gently..



Comment #5

Well I'm wondering first why if he's everything you've ever looked for your feelings are not developing.  What have past relationships been like - i.e. bad boys, men who couldn't commit.  Does being with someone who actually can have a healthy relationship (thru feel scary? Is there a big communication blockage that is making you secretly resentful....


What I'm getting at is you should examine why you're so ready to end things.  If you decide it is still the best move then you should definitely do it in person - over the phone you can say there is something you need to talk about and arrange to get together. Tell him he's great and that while you really enjoy being with him you just don't know if the two of you together are relationship (thru material... or if you're ready for a committed relationship (thru at this point. Give him the chance to ask questions, have some idea what's going on. And yes you want to be diplomatic and delicate. .

Good luck.


Comment #6

<<Well I'm wondering first why if he's everything you've ever looked for your feelings are not developing.  What have past relationships been like - i.e. bad boys, men who couldn't commit.  Does being with someone who actually can have a healthy relationship (thru feel scary? Is there a big communication blockage that is making you secretly resentful...>>.

Why does not having chemistry with someone mean they are 'afraid' of it in some way? Good on paper doesn't always mean good chemistry. Having teh right qualities is part of the equation. The 'it' factor must also be present for long term compatibility - at least in my opinion. I don't think it's a matter of 'being afraid of getting what you want' as much as it being 'almost' right.  I dated a man who has the qualities of character that I want - but physically, I wasn't that attracted to him. I think for me he reminded me too much 'physically' of my Dad!  I like men who remind me of my Dad or brother in character though - just don't want to see either of them when I kiss someone!.

Lots of people get involved with others who 'have all teh qualities' they are looking for - yet they don't work out because there wasn't enough passion - which, after all, is the true difference between platonic and romantic love.  This could just be teh case here..



Comment #7

<<Well I'm wondering first why if he's everything you've ever looked for your feelings are not developing.>>.

Good question!  And one that I've asked myself a gazillion times already.  I wish I knew the answer.  All I can say is that, even though he's perfect on paper, he's just not my type.  And instead of feeling closer as time goes on he's just getting on my nerves.   I feel terrible about this and it kills me to think I'm going to hurt him.  I don't think he has a clue this is coming and I think he'll be shocked and very hurt.  But all my life I've stayed in relationships even when I wasn't happy because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm a big girl and I need to put my needs first.  I don't want or need to settle for anything less than what feels right.  I just wish I didn't have to hurt this guy because he's a wonderful man.  Then, again, I'm setting him free to find the right woman so I guess that's a positive way to look at it..

Thanks, everyone, for all your help and I'll let you know how it goes......


Edited 11/20/2007 10:07 pm ET by debbie14526..

Comment #8

Hon, I can so relate to what you are saying - however, you likely are projecting how 'hurt' he will be. How do you know he will be 'hurt'?  Disappointed is a better word here. But disappointments are part of life.  And true - being 'rejected' is not pleasant - however, a person who is 'together' emotionally, will understand that this too is part of life and not about who they are or their worth as a person. They accept that disappointment and go on with life..

So - rather than assuming he'll be 'hurt' look at it from the POV that he will be disappointed. Disappointment is as common as breathing - it happens everyday and in every situation. 'Hurt' is subjective and implies, to me at least, an intent or having power over someone else's happiness. That shouldn't be the case with someone who is responsible for their own happiness.

And also, if he is truly a wonderful man, he will be more than fine and want you to be happy howeveryou see fit. Good luck!.


Comment #9

Well, I did it!  About an hour ago.  And it actually went better and was easier than I'd thought it would be.  He DID know it was coming - said he sensed it somehow - and he took it very well.  It was sad and we both cried but it was a good clean break and I can't tell you how relieved I feel that it's over.  And he'll be fine too.  He's a great guy and I know he won't have any trouble finding happiness with someone else. .

It may sound strange but, this was a good growth experience for me.  To know that he wasn't "the one" and to be able to face him and tell him are things I've never been able to do before.  To know that it's ok to feel what I feel and want what I want even if it means disappointing someone.  Very big for me. .

Thanks for everyone's advice and moral support! ..

Comment #10

Glad to hear that you were able to do this and that it didn't go as badly as you feared. .

I know that feeling of reliefit isn't easy to let someone down when you care about them and know they care about you but it's the right thing to do.  I'm currently facing a situation where the man I've been involved with for the past 4 months apparantly can't bring himself to do the right thing and tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore so he's just disappearing instead and that hurts so much more than having an honest conversation.  So I applaud your courage and integrity..



Comment #11

Well, interestingly enough, when I had "the conversation", he mentioned that he'd never had the courage to tell someone -  he just stopped calling......  I told him never to do that because it hurts a lot more than simple honesty.  I think they just don't understand that and think if they stop calling perhaps we won't notice?  Lol!  For all you men out there, breaking up is scary but a whole lot nicer done directly..

Sorry you're going through this, Sheri.  I've been there and it hurts like hell.  What would you think of just asking him if that's how he feels?  At least it would be done with and you'd be free to move on.....


Comment #12

It's easier when we are honest than trying to make things up to say because we don't want to hurt the other person.  I would suggest the sooner  the better.  You can always call him, which would be easier than trying to find a place to meet him in person.  Tell him the timing is not right in dating (online dating with and being in an intimate relationship, it's not him, and you have some things you need to work on right now.  You can always call him when you know he's busy and voice mail will pick up to leave a message.  I totally hear where you are coming from in not wanting to hurt the man, it's hard.   I was asked out by my girlfriend's friend, I called him back said yes, wanted to have lunch because it would be more casual, he did not want lunch, wanted dinner and I said yes, right after I hung up the phone 1/2 of me wanted to go and the other 1/2 did not want to go, I was getting moody because I felt I was making myself do something I wasn't a 100% interested in, and knew I had to tell him no asap instead of waiting till the last minute or even go out on the date using to break the news then.  I kept telling myself I can't go out with him because I am not the type to use men, it's not fair to him, and I sure would not want a man taking me out and then ending it right after.  My counselor suggested that I call him asap and leaving him a message stating I was not ready to date.  I did call him, got his voice mail and said thank you for wanting to take me out, I really appreciate it, and need to tell you that I can't go out on the date using because I am not ready to date using right now, it is me, has nothing to do with you.  A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders after making the call.  Practice what you are going to say several times, take several deep breaths, and plan a time to call him.  The sooner the better to relieve yourself from this stress.   I wish you well, keep us posted on what happened..




Comment #13

>>Tell him the timing is not right in dating (online dating with and being in an intimate relationship, it's not him, and you have some things you need to work on right now. ??.

I agree that honesty and directly is best and if this is indeed the case then it is appropriate to say - however, it does not appear to be the OP's case - she is ready and available to date using but just NOT HIM. Saying this in not being honest.

<<You can always call him when you know he's busy and voice mail will pick up to leave a message>>.

This might be ok for someone you've gone on a few dates with but not someone you've been intimate with and been seeing for a couple of months. Treating someone one with dignity and respect often means doing things you'd rather not - like face to face/..


Comment #14

Toni, I agree with what you are saying.  I have been some men who keep asking over and over why, when the truth is said in a simple way as opposed to telling them every thing, that is not necesary, why hurt the guy more.  For example the lady said that the guy was getting on her nerves - I would say it's best to say things aren't working out or the timing of dating (online dating with if not right right now, something to that effect.  I have been told by my counselor just to say something simple, I should not have to explain myself, and it's best on the phone so that way I can end the conversation.  Because of some of the men I have been with even though were were serious it was best for me to end relationship (thru on phone because things would have been a mess in person..



Comment #15

Oh, wow, I hope the guy you ended things with will learn from your gracious example and not just disappear on people any more!.

My guy resurfaced yesterdayhe had a fight with his mom on Thanksgiving and needed to withdraw for a couple days.  Not sure if I want to be with someone who does that (particularly without letting me know first) but at least he didn't just disappear..


Comment #16

Let him know that you want to have a conversation about something serious so it's not a bolt from the blue.

And yes it's good to do it when he doesn't have to worry about going right back to the office.


Comment #17

I didn't suggest going into details on teh 'why' part. I have been asked that - and I just reiterated that 'this wasn't working for me and I think it best to not see each other any longer'. People who ask for details and whine about what they did wrong are usually insecure.

And breaking up in person is the right thing to do regardless of the 'mess' when youve been with someone a while unless of course abuse is part of that relationship (thru - JMHO. .

Best wishes.



Comment #18

If you can't get rid of this can resort to dirty tactics.  I have never done this...but other women have...and it does seem to work.  It is manipulative and childish.  Men have suggested to me that I change my style of breaking up to that of being more passive aggressive about the man thinks that he came up with the idea.  And that will get rid of them once and for all..

They suggested to make a man repulsed by me instead of breaking up the normal way...with dignity and respect for the other person. But, since men have become pretty violent with discussions of breakups in the last 5 years...I guess these guys suggested I play the passive aggressive role to avoid problems.  Not my style..

 Here are some suggestions:.

1) Just have rotten sex with him.  By that I mean no oral sex for him, lie on your back very quietly, emotionless,  and without any movement while he penetrates you.  I would have a hard time doing this because I enjoy sex too much, hehe.  .

2) Make sure you hit all of his pet if he doesnt like you washing your hosiery in his bathroom and hanging it it.  If he doesnt like you eating in his it..

3) Make sure to answer each phone call and stay on the phone for a while. .

4) Ask him for money. .

5) ignore him when out in a group.

6) tell him you need a 'break' and then resurface a little while later so he understands he will get jerked around like a yo-yo...

Comment #19

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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