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My Ex hasnt talked to me now for 3 weeks- and hes STILL on Match.com WTF do I do i'm so sad!!?

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My first question is: My Ex hasn't talked to me now for 3 weeks- and hes STILL on Match.com WTF do I do i'm so sad!!?.

My next question is:  .

I am dating (online dating with Match.com) a great guy who treats me very well and insists on picking up the tab (when he can afford it) whenever we go out....which is 90% of the time..

He has a good job, and is very kind-hearted and straight-forward.  Although....he is a bit rough around the edges..

He often exclaims that he doesn't care what others think of him and he dresses the way he WANTS to.  The problem is, he often comes to my house to pick me up dressed like a 17 year old boy, and not the 31 year old man that he is. .

Translation: He comes to my house many times in the SAME baseball hat (worn backwards) and sweatshirt with hoody and sneakers much like a teenager in a skater shop would wear..

THIS IS A BIG TURN-OFF FOR ME (SEXUALLY AND PHYSICALLY).  It is also NOT an attractive look on him (in my opinion).  It takes away from his looks..

How do I tell him that this is a TURN-OFF for me without sounding harsh and critical, and without making him feel like I'm trying to change him???  By the way...I'm a 35 year old woman...

Comments (10)

Your question was: My Ex hasn't talked to me now for 3 weeks- and hes STILL on Match.com WTF do I do i'm so sad!!?.

We have been together for only about 4 months, but have known each other for years. .

We dated in the far past (about 6 years ago) and then lost touch...we recently re-connected again and stared dating (online dating with Match.com) again.  all is good except for the "clothes" issue..

He IS a construction worker and doesn't own any office type clothing.  I don't want to CHANGE him at all, I just want him to put more effort into looking presentable for me like I do for him!!.

 .

How would he feel if I wore a baseball hat, no makeup, and sweat pants and shirt every time he came to pick me up!  If I make an effort to look good for him, why can't I expect the same in return!.

 ..

Comment #1

He IS a construction worker and doesn't own any office type clothing.  I don't want to CHANGE him at all, I just want him to put more effort into looking presentable for me like I do for him!!.

I am not expecting any type of "look" from him, I am just expecting that he put in at least a little effort to look good for me like I do for him.  I don't think thats asking a lot.  I'm not asking him to change at all.  I'm just asking him to not come to my house dressed like he just rolled out of bed, and doesn't care enough to make himself attractive and appealing for me. .

I put effort into looking good for him, and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do the same. ..

Comment #2

How would he feel if I wore a baseball hat, no makeup, and sweat pants and shirt every time he came to pick me up! If I make an effort to look good for him, why can't I expect the same in return!<< One of my favorite sayings is: All you can do it ask. Give him the option. But Expect, no. Men are logical, & respond to logic & fairness. Not emotional pleas. So tell him what you've told us.

Best of luck!.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha..

Comment #3

I don't want to CHANGE him at all, <<< But it IS a change. You want him to make different decisions when faced with a drawer or closet full of clothes. To go against all his previous instincts. more effort into looking presentable <<< He may feel he is. Does he brush his teeth, shower, do laundry. His clothes match, not wearing red & green at the same time.

I am not expecting any type of "look" from him, <<< I just meant it might be easier for him to grasp what you want from him, with examples. If he knew what you meant by presentable, he'd already be doing it. You're trying to steer him to a new & better definition of presentable. and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do the same. <<< I'm not disagreeing with you.

It's the "expectation" part I have a little trouble with.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha..

Comment #4

Have you tried to address it at all with him?  If so, what does he say?  Did he wear that on your first date?  You could say .. that certain articles of clothing on a man bring out the sexual animal in you.  Men say it to women all the time .. they say they like a woman to wear certain types of lingerie or clothing and women do it because it turns the guy on.  Maybe he would respond to the same approach...

Comment #5

Hi,If it is that important to you, maybe buy him an outfit for his next birthday or Christmas or just for no reason. When he tries it on, tell him how good he looks.My bf dresses in non-stop sports jerseys/hoodies. He is 42. They make him look so much bigger than he is. I know he can dress nicely because when we go out somewhere nice...he generally has a polo or oxford shirt on. Other than that, t-shirt, jeans...or sports jersey.

I asked him about all the jerseys one time and he says it is comfortable and he likes to relax. I don't bother him about it anymore. I love him, not his clothes. And it's not a big deal for me what people think. Those who know us don't care...those who don't know us I don't care what they think.

Be prepared for resistance if you criticize. I would just be matter of fact about it. Maybe buy him something as a gift. See if it stays in the closet. Be prepared if he doesn't want to change though...because even though you say you don't want to change him...sounds like you want to change part of him.

If he won't change, you have only 2 options. 1. get over it and love him, hoodies and all or 2. find someone else who dresses the way you like. Jen..

Comment #6

A lot of guys complain that women complain about the way they dress. You can point to someone wearing an outfit you feel is great and say how sexy you'd feel he'd look in it and  perhaps ask if he wants you to go shopping with him sometime  but I woudn't go on and on about his look and how it distresses you.  Why is it a sexual turn off?.

,..

Comment #7

I've addressed him constantly wearing a baseball hat backwards....only indirectly though.  I've told him how much I like his hair, and how I wish he wouldn't cover it up soo much.  Which is the truth.  He says he doesn't know what to do with his hair so he just puts the baseball hat on. .

 ..

Comment #8

Its a sexual turn-off because I feel like I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) an 18 year old boy when he dresses like that. .

I've addressed him constantly wearing a baseball hat backwards....only indirectly though.  I've told him how much I like his hair, and how I wish he wouldn't cover it up soo much.  Which is the truth.  He says he doesn't know what to do with his hair so he just puts the baseball hat on. .

There is an underlying issue here though.  He talks and has the mentality of a guy in his 20s even though he is 31.  He also has male and female friends who are in their 20s.  He is a sort of "Peter Pan" type, but on the flip side he is very caring and a very hard worker with a great work ethic.  I believe the clothes he wears simply are a reflection of his maturity level, both intellectually and socially.  Sometimes when I hear him speak I feel like I'm listening to a 20 year old, and not a 31 year old man.

Maybe thats the real issue here.  Maybe the clothing style issue I brought up is just a "red herring" for the real issue.  His maturity level...

Comment #9

If the way he dresses is Your biggest problem consider yourself lucky..

I worked in Fashion for many years and I think the best way to go about it is when Your in the mall or looking at clothes in a catalog etc is to say to Him You would look so hot in that outfit & ask Him what he thinks etc You have to do it constructively.  Most Guys need some direction in the clothing Dept so don't worry about it..

Good luck..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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