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My b/riend trapped by older ex - help

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My Boyfriend is trapped emotionally by much older ex. This is an update from my last discussion Should I be suspicious. He is still in contact with his ex who is 16 years older than him she is 56 now he is 38. I am 4 years younger than him. They were together for 16 years and have been officially apart for 2 years when he moved out. The reason being he needed to move on.

I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship (thru Match.com) is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected. He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesnt know why. He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim. He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact. Also he avoids going to places where we might bump into her i.e lets not go there me might bump into niki this has happened a few times.

I have caught him lying phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is he tells me it's a mate. I have again said nothing I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out that is what I am suspecting which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship (thru Match.com) cannot progress from where it is now. He always hints as I have mentioned in my previous posts at a future but then withdraws quicklyEg a week ago he said he wants to give me keys to his place today he wanted to bring something over but I am working late and I said I will give you my keys and make a copy while you at it for youhe said oaaaahhh bit early I replied well you mentioned it so I am taking the cue from you plus I want you to have them my place I want you to feel is your home too. He said yeah youre rightThis is making me down and I keep thinking about it I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down. My girlfriends tell me to act like nothing is happening and he will snap out of it in time however somehow I dont think so otherwise he would be keeping it away from me as he is scared of losing me..

Comments (19)

Your question was: My b/riend trapped by older ex - help.

PS they were together since he was 20 - this I also found out recently originally he told me it was 12 years together not 12 - he stayed with her for so long as she had cancer at some point....Now I am feeling bad for her...maybe he is a rat leaving her at 56 I dn't know maybe she should leave the guy alone to live his life...but why should she if he is responding and keeping it contact...

Comment #1

What to do? Take yourself out of the equation - let him get his life together and figure out whatHE wants and let him do what is necessary.I have done this scenario - you 'feel' like an outsider because you are - this man is closed and is not letting you or anyone into his heart. He is guarded and hiding things from you and himself. Emotionally he is immature - he allows others to dictate his actions and feelings - he isn't able to think and decide for himself what is best for him - thus staying with someone out of 'guilt' - the only reason to stay in a love relationship (thru Match.com) is because it is mutually benefical in a postivie way. He stayed because he got something from it - as he is in staying in touch with this woman now - it keeps him UNAVAILABLE for a real and truly intimate relationship.HOn, an unavailable man is UNAVAILABLE! The reasons why do not matter - he is UNAVAILABLE for anything deep and honest and open. And until HE does the work necessary to reconcile his own emotions and learn to decide for himself what is best, he will NOT be a good partner - you will always feel on the outside looking in. You will always be wanting more and you will keep hanging onto the hope that he will 'get it' He may, he may not - but that is not your concern.

Suggest that he takes some time to get really clear on what he wants and to call you when he figures that out - and then you let him go and you focus on YOUR life.He needs to stay on the vine a while longer to fully mature and ripen. If you choose to stay in this situation just do so knowing that the odds are HIGH that you will be deeply hurt and it will end badly. If you truly love the man, love him enough to let him go and grow and become a whole man - he is damaged goods right now. YOu can suffer needlessly hanging on or you can let him go gently, live your life and have faith that what is meant for you will not pass you by..

Toni..

Comment #2

Your guy carries a lot of baggage."I discussed this with him and he said he needed time that this relationship (thru Match.com) is what he was looking for but ts all a shock to the system as it is more than what he expected."> when it comes to love, timing is usually inconvenient. "He has also told me that although he is loves me he has a great time with me i-e no problems but he feels unhappy in general and he doesnt know why."> maybe he can go to a counselor or someone who is an objective third party and sort through all of his emotions."He has told me that he feels guilty that she is 56 and the chances of her meeting someone a slim.">That is no longer his problem. She was a consenting adult, fully aware that the relationship (thru Match.com) could break apart (like they all can). Unless he promised her "forever" then I dont know why he would feel guilty. "He has told me that they do not have contact yet I have been present when she has called an the tone of the conversation is that they are in constant contact."> why is he lying to you? To avoid hurting you? So he ends up hurting both of you because he cant summon the strength to tell this woman that he doesn't want anything with her anymore."Also he has a screen show of photos on his lap top at home which foes randomly through pics she comes up every 20th I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts."> there is nothing wrong with asking him to remove her from his computer."I have said nothing to him although it drives me nuts. I have caught him lying phone rings at home he is in the bathroom I see who it is he tells me it's a mate.

He needs to know that. "I have told him in the past that I do not see her as a threat (i.e him going back) however right now I do see her hold on him and his inability to go forward and feel free he feels trapped and he feels that there is no way out that is what I am suspecting which means he will never fully emotionally invest in me and this relationship (thru Match.com) cannot progress from where it is now."> It's really not her hold on him...it's more like he doens't know how to navigate in waters where he has to possibly hurt someone's feelings in order to get what he wants down the road. He is the one doing this to himself. And by not possessing the strength to do the right thing, he ends up hurting everyone, including himself."This is making me down and I keep thinking about it I am in love but the hot and cold and the secrets and hanging on to the past is getting me down."> I can certainly see why this would get you down. He needs to make a clean break from this ex and know that he is doing her a favor while he is making that break.

We all feel guilt if we hurt someone but this ex will hurt MORE if he keeps dragging this on. So if he really doens't want to cause her to feel pain, then he will make that break sooner than later.You need to express what you want..which is that he fully emotionally invest in this relationship. Maybe your friends tell you to ignore it in the event that he might be playing games with you. You describe the ways in which he unwittingly sabatoges any development of your relationship (thru Match.com) and if he really wants happiness and you then he will break from this woman...

Comment #3

I'm sorry but I think your friends are giving you bad advice. People don't "snap out of" being dishonest. That's a deep-seated character issue.All the baggage of his old relationship (thru Match.com) aside (and it's big in and of itself), do you really want to be with a liar????Sheri..

Comment #4

Hi catherine-0104,.

You can't make him get over the guilt he feels.  You can't make them unattach. However, know this:  He's still attached to her (no matter the reason) because HE wants to be and he's getting something out of it (emotionally at least)..

What you can do is focus on your needs - you know he lies. If that's unacceptable to you, then you can't just ignore the lies and look the other way.  You deserve better than that.  Good luck on your decision...

Comment #5

He sounds like a douche. I have many questions: 1. Did she support him financially while they were together?2. Are you contributing most of $$$ into the relationship?3. Are you definitely sure they are not a couple anymore?4. Has he introduce you to her as his girlfriend?5.

I don't know how long you guys been together. It plays a factor too.I totally agree with other ladies on here. He lied to you and relationships are based on trust. Even though he may not lie to you again, Can you truly believe him??? I think your intuition is telling you to let him go <<Honestly sometimes (I feel like telling him to go back to her)>>YOU are first in your life so You deserved the relationship (thru Match.com) that reach to the fullest joy. DO NOT LET HIM FOOL YOU..

Comment #6

He has no intention of telling her he is in a relationship. I spoke about my concerns to him on saturday...how I felt he was in contact etc. He denied that he was in regular contact and that I am his focus not her...that he feels soory for her. I asked him a crucial question - if she knows that he is in a relationship. He said no as it will hurt her and he has no intention of telling her in the near future...I said I do not like that you are lying to her and I do like that you are emotionally irresponsible both to her, to me but most of al to yourself. I left it at that...but I feel icey towards him. I do not want to be with a man who is irresponsible and a coward...

Comment #7

<<I left it at that...but I feel icey towards him. I do not want to be with a man who is irresponsible and a coward>>Then walk away with your digity intact. A relationship (thru Match.com) that is kept secret is not healthy. Besides it seems he is far less concerned with your feelings than hers. Remaining in a situation where you feel you must 'compete' for attention is wasting your time. A man who is emotionally well balanced and secure doesn't play both sides of the fence.

He is giving neither of you very much. Choose better for yourself - staying will erode your self esteem and peace..

Toni..

Comment #8

How can you be his focus if he doesn't tell her he is in a relationship? Then you are not the focus, HE is.This is the bottom line is "I do not want to be with a man who is irresponsible and a coward." And, unfortunately this is what you have. We dont like to see reality sometimes because then we have to address the fact that our hopes are crushed. The relationship (thru Match.com) is already ending inside of you, it is just a matter of you putting on the finishing touches.Sorry to hear he is so selfish and irresponsible with everyone's feelings, but you are better off without him...

Comment #9

Yes, It is not right of him to lie to both of you. Best thing would be leave him and get him out of your life. but thats only my opinion. Good luck...ukia..

Comment #10

I am sorry to hear about your story. It sounds to me like it's a very unhealthy realtionship. If I were you, I would get out of it as soon as posible. Seems to me like he is really hurting your self-esteem and a self-worth as a woman. Leave this liar alone and remember: " Respect yourself, it always comes first, and men come later!" Good luck.SasH..

Comment #11

That's garbage! He doesn't want to hurt HER feelings, but he's ok with hurting YOURS?Walk away girlfriend. You deserve SOOO much better than this...

Comment #12

Well if he is responding and keeping contact then she holds out hope.

,..

Comment #13

I found out they are going away together for a few days - he lied saying he was leaving on a business trip which included the weekend. I called both of their offices and the receptionist said they were on oliday leave till monday..Yes I snooped and I am not pround of it...Anyway I am not answering any calls and I am going to let him fret over why I am not answering....i will then answer at some point and ask him if he has anything he wants to tell me...It so over I feel very hurt and I feel like a blooming idiot...the signs were there and I chose to ignore them...I acted with warmth and honesty and all I got was someone who just wanted to live the moment with little regard for my feelings..I was deeply betrayed by my ex husband who lived a double life for years..it took me years to get over it and let go of the past to be confronted by a similar pattern ...maybe I am falling into some sort of pattern both were taureans with taurean ascendants...To be honest I have lost all faith in relationships...SAD ANGRY AND HURT..

Comment #14

Why are you being passive about this? Don't ask him to offer the truth - tell him what you know and how you expect to be treated and that he isn't meeting those expectations therefore you are choosing to do what is best for you - cutting all ties with him.This asking if he has anything to tell you is not being direct and to the point - it also puts him in such a defensive posture that there will never be anything but more anger and defensiveness. By stating that you are aware that he went away with her and that you want to be in a committed relationship (thru Match.com) wiht a man who knows what he wants in general and with YOU, you retain control of you. The pattern you are in has nothing to do with taureans - it has to do with the level of trust and respect that you have in yourself - like attracts like - when you get involved with ambivalent men - the first place to look is at yourself - what about you is ambivalent and noncommittal? HOn, people treat you with the level of honesty and respect that you require - if you don't require absolute integrity and respect don't blame someone esle for not giving it. Examine your role in your relationships - you are the common denominator - you are choosing these men - when you take thetime to figure out why then you will be able to take action to change the pattern..

Toni..

Comment #15

He threw it all in my face and spoke about my level of trust...I asked him if he was being truthful about his trip...he went crazy on me saying I don't trust him and it is something that he admired in his ex - that she never questioned him and always trusted him. I told him it's not about trust but that he has erroded my confidence and I have some issues in that he has not cut ties and that there is an attachment - that he is lying to herhe blamed me...he said he has no intention of telling her anything that she she will always be a part of his life and if I can't stomach it ...to end it now..I was shocked with his callousness ...he said that trust is a big issue for him and I how can I love him if I dont trust him?....i felt so conered and helpless...he made me feel like a piece of dirt..I asked him 'well what about my feelings do they count for anything?' he didn't answer...it was like well you are only a four month thing with her I have a life behind me...I said to him that I feel that I am with someone who has shadows..he said that I am chasing shadows...You are probably right I choose the wrong men and I have a pattern. however I must admit that in the case with this guy I was clear and upfront about everything with him I showed love and respect...All I can say is that after this conversation I feel so bad and he made me feel that I am in the wrong.....

Comment #16

<<he said that trust is a big issue for him and I how can I love him if I dont trust him?....i felt so conered and helpless...he made me feel like a piece of dirt..I asked him 'well what about my feelings do they count for anything?' he didn't answer...it was like well you are only a four month thing with her I have a life behind me>>This is exactly what he was hoping you'd feel - people who have nothing to hide HIDE NOTHING - and they dont' lay a guilt trip on you about lack of trust and blame you for the distrust. this is what a controller will do - he misdirects HIS deception to YOUR insecurity so you will doubt yourself and stay under his control. <<I said to him that I feel that I am with someone who has shadows..he said that I am chasing shadows...>>Again - making it YOUR fault for not believing in him rather than seeking to understand your feelings and working WITH you to build and maintain trust.<<You are probably right I choose the wrong men and I have a pattern. however I must admit that in the case with this guy I was clear and upfront about everything with him I showed love and respect...>>Hon, it's more than being clear and upfront and 'whowing love and resepct' to him - you have to do it for YOURSELF before anyone else will do it for you. YOu accepted his inconsistencies, his ambivalence and rationalized away his having 2 women in his life - that was not showing love or respect to YOU. When a person is 100% clear on who they are, what matters to them and what they want in life and how they expect to be treated - it shows in how they treat themselves and allow others to treat them.

When you DECIDE that 'YES I do deserve better and will only accept better" only then will you actually get it.<<ll I can say is that after this conversation I feel so bad and he made me feel that I am in the wrong...>.He is counting on that - he is not a good guy. YOu feel bad because you doubt your own worth and thoughts - he can't make you feel anything you aren't ready to agree with. Hon, staying in this situation will do one thing - further erode your self esteem. You will always be trying to compete against a woman he has no intentions of letting go - you are ENOUGH - but he isn't enough for you. Make a choice today - that you want more and go for it.

No one will ever treat you better or love you better than you do for yourself. Until you love, cherish, respect and value yourself - you will continue to attract and get involved with men like this..

Toni..

Comment #17

Listen to tonitoons. She is correct. You are trying to get him to change his way of behaving and it is not working. So now he turns everything around on you so that it appears his behavior is your fault.You need to break up with this man. I know you invested some time in this relationship (thru Match.com) but it is not worth another minute more. He is not going to ever be honest with you.

He will always attempt to shove his deception down your throat and blame you. He is not well. He has psychological problems. And you need to exit as fast as possible.If and when he contacts you after this trip. Your best course of action is to plainly say that you are no longer interested in a relationship (thru Match.com) with him.

Do not go into detail about anything. He is not worth any effort on your part at all. That is how I like to leave things...with as little said as possible. Leave with your head held high knowing you took care of yourself...

Comment #18

I wish right now I was stronger...everything that you have told me makes sense - heck I have a psych major - should know better..The latest is last night on my way home from work I was so uptight and fraught that my gums started to bleed..he called me at 11pm on my cell and I said call me at home...he said I am not home (i didnt comment)...he wasn't out though it was clear he was indoors as I could hear the tv in the backgroundbasically he was trying to smooth things over without giving way anything...'lets calm down..i want you to trust me...dont worry all is ok between us (like it was he he was making the decisions and had the control and not me) I love you and it breaks my heart that I am going away for 5 days...bla bla bla...Clearly he wants it all he doesn't want out (I know now it's about what I want and what I deserve) It made me feel sick inside...i feel sick today I can't eat I am at work and my mind is elsewhere...i feel like I am totally out in the cold..You guys are right this is about me and the esteem and respect I have for myself for putting up with this behaviour, treatment etc..I have to find the strength to cut it short without warning..is it a cop out to do it over the phone or worse ITS OVER via sms? Do I not answer calls until he gets back - let him fret and lay it on him face to face...Please give me strength not to crumble and just hang onto something and play dumb for a relationship (thru Match.com) which doesn't exist..

Comment #19


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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