More than friends??

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I apologize that this is long but it is a complicated situation and I want to make sure it's understood.  Friends with this guy for about 3 years (he is in the class behind me for our masters degree)  he is married, though has been separated a few times in the past 2 years and readily admits that he is getting divorced, he and his wife have already discussed it.  Though there has always been chemistry between us and he is totally my type NOTHING has ever happened.  We talk a lot when we have classes together but rarely when we are not in schoolI would say no phone conversations that didnt deal with class before this summer.  Anyway, this summer he came to the clinic that I work at to do an internship.  Same kinds of conversations we would talk about our lives etc but nothing that over stepped any boundaries.  He would make comments about how I was the perfect girl to marry, how he would totally date using me and that he would need to come up with new stories when we start dating (online dating with since I already knew all of his.  I would take it in stride as just office banter and his joking around with me and the other guys I work with.  We would go out after work on Fridays but there was always a fellow student with us.  Usually I would end up driving him back to his car but still just the same types of conversations about our lives and a good night hug.  Then about 2 months ago after his internship ended we were out on a Friday night again for a work function that he had been invited to.

            At the bar after most of the other employees had left he was buying those of us left a round, I am sitting next to him and he introduces me to the guy sitting next time as his wife he was joking and I knew it but I said I think we would drive each other crazy.  He got real serious then and looked me in the eye and said You think?  I dont think we would.  The rest of the evening was fairly uneventful and I drove him back to his car.  Then he starts in on this whole if I hadnt been married I wonder how this situation would have been different,  I dont think you know what you mean to me, I am scared that after you graduate we wont talk anymore etc.  I steered him away from it for a little while but then he came back to it.  Hes like if I wasnt married how would we be different, I told him repeated it doesnt matter you ARE married.  But he kept at it and finally hes like just answer this have you ever thought of us together  I cant lie to save my life so I said yes.  He said he has had feelings for me for a long time, he feels like I always have his best interest at heart no matter what etc etc.  Again I was uncomfortable with the conversation so I steered us out of it again.  We hugged and when he got out of the car he says "I love ya" and blew me a kiss.  The next week at school it was the same old us, maybe more eye contact and slightly more flirting but nothing major and it wasnt uncomfortable.  Still just phone conversations dealing with school, though maybe some more personal stuff added in.  That situation lasted the last 2 weeks of class.  Maybe 2-3 times during that time did we talk on the phone not about school.  I wanted to talk about the whole situation (I think he did too just by his actions/words sometimes) but the timing was never righteither other people around or just not right. .

            We didnt talk then for about 2 weeks (while I was studying for my licensure), then he called the day I took my licensure exam asking me how it went, saying how I would be fine I was too smart to fail etc etc, and said we should go for coffee sometime so you can fill me in on the test  which I said that would be good.  I talked to him the next day because I was nervous that my scores hadnt been posted yet, he reassured me that I was too intelligent to fail etc and said I really want to talk but I have to go to practice right now, Ill talk to you later.  4 days later I got my score so I left him a voicemail assuring him I passed.  He never called-10 days.  On Sunday I called to tell him if he still wanted to go over test stuff we should do it this week because I go back to work next Monday, if not, then good luck on his internship and let me know how it goes.  No call, no email or anything.

            I trust (maybe blindly) that he meant what he told me in July, and that he wouldnt have risked our friendship if he didnt feel it pretty deeply.  Or that he felt something would eventually happen once he works out his own life.  I am just confused as to why the disappearing act now.  I know he was getting ready to file for divorce within the next few months and that he is going out of town for his next internship but I just dont understand the confessional and making me admit my own feelings if this is where we are going to be.  I am not waiting for him to get divorced and he didnt bring that up either, but I did want our friendship to continue and if something worked out in the end that we could be together then great, if not then I still have an awesome friend.  As it stands now we have nothing...

Comments (5)

Your question was: More than friends??.

Why worry about why you haven't heard from him, if you are ok with just friends.1. He's married (maybe his wife found out what a cheating liar he is)2. You only know what he has told you, you are not in his marriage (they very rarely say they are happily married)3. Something has happened,if nothing else but a Emotional affair. (which can be just as damaging)4. Why is it taking months just to file for divorce? (I think he is telling you a load of crap)5.

(I think men and women can be just friends, IF there is no sexual attraction)6. Even if he did get divorced (which sounds doubtful) relationships that start out as this one has very rarely ever end up on the good side.7. If you were the wife how would you feel if your husband did this with someone?Think about what you are getting into here, he hasn't responded back to you, let it go, and find someone that is not involved with someone else...

Comment #1

The disappearing act must have to do with the wife or he is gravely injured.  They may have decided to work things out and he does not have the guts to tell you...or...he was leading you on the whole time knowing that he was never going to get divorced.  This is why I dont believe men and women can be "just friends"  - 99% of the time someone will eventually develop feelings for the other.  Even if it starts out with the two not being sexually or physically attracted to the other...emotional familiarity breeds affairs. See how he referred to you as his "wife". That could happen to you at work with someone in the future. He could refer to you as his "work wife" (happened to me) and what could happen is that a guy starts leaning on you emotionally  as he would his "home wife" - which is a threat to his wife, understandably so.  It is unfortunate that someone who seemed so open and so touching in his declaration of his feelings towards you turned out to be a coward..

Chalk it up to a lesson learned.  I am sorry you are feeling pain because of this ass...

Comment #2

Why were you flirting with a married man and allowing inappropriate conversations to repeatedly take place? That's not what real friends do.  As for why you haven't heard from him, that's easy he's married. If you're going to be the other woman, you need to learn that it's all on the married man's terms, not yours...

Comment #3

No offense, I think he is simply cheap and just wanted someone that he could flirt around to reinforce his bloody ego!  Disgusting!.

Please FORGET him!..

Comment #4

Hi mustang_babe,.

The two of you have been playing with fire - flirting, crossing boundaries, inappropriate behavior etc. - the cocaine of romance - an emotional affair, NOT a friendship.  Friend do not behave the way the two of you interact..

I know you are hurt and feeling the loss and that's normal.  You still have the normal grief to process at the end of any relationship/friendship/marriage/break-up.  So grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.  I also suggest you work on your self-esteem so that you can see through the next charming guy that flatters you with this kind of talk, when you know deep down inside his behavior is inappropriate..

Edited 9/14/2007 10:51 pm ET by itwinflame.


Comment #5

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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