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Money is breaking us

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Hi everyone. I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) this amazing guy for about 3 months. He treats me sooo well. He is romantic..fowers...massages..i feel like a princess. There is just one problem. He is 24 and is going to be starting a teaching profession in about a month or two.

I didn't realize in college that he really didn't have money...he had like two small jobs and took classes to get his teaching degree. I guess I didn't notice the money issue because he took me out so often and to nice places..I guess he was using all the money he was getting from his jobs and spending it all on me. I think the school paid for his housing area too..so thats scratched out so he didnt have to pay that and had more money for us to enjoy. Now we are both living in a main city for the summer (him for good, and me for the summer..I will be moving here next yr after my last yr of collge) I will b going back to school and hes living in his family's place till he gets some kind of house. He hasn't worked for a few weeks because his job starts soon..but he has like no money now because he isnt working and can't really take me out...does that say a lot if he doesnt save ever...he has like no money..no money for the future I'm assuming then.......it feels wierd..and I come from a family that values nice things and nice restaurants and it feels wierd not going out..I like going out to nice places like before and with him....he takes me to ehh dive bars....

I recently told him I need a break and he has no idea why. The truth is....I want a guy with money or a future that has some potential with money. I can see the road in the future with him and my kids wont have a good life..or me either unless I get a great job..I guess Im old fashioned but I want to live and have a great lifestyle and feel supported...I am in love with him and it kills me not to see him..but my family and I kind of think that a teacher....a teacher with no money isnt good...Should I stay with him now in the summer and c how it goes because I love him and I'm going to school next year anyway...or should I end it for good because I like nice things, nice dates and want money in my future...His family wont help him out either.his mother is very poor and he never met his dad...his friends are dirt poor and are not the best class or status..and have dfferent values..but he is AMAZING....I love him.so when he starts working..as a teacher where will he even live and afford a house? I guess we are diff ..we have diff backgrounds and social classes...but I love him..should I end it for good and continue this break or should I just wait and hope something changes and tough it out? I have 2 months of summer..but I like nice things..nice vacations..nice restaurants..I wanta guy who can take care of me....I'm 21...Should I enjoy my summer with him or try and find someone else the whole summer...but what do I do. I'm in love but in pain...

Comments (15)

Your question was: Money is breaking us.

Depending on the state in which you live, his teaching salary may not be very much. Some states pay quite well, especially when you factor in the cost of living. He will probably need several years to establish himself financially.I understand the social class issue that you speak of and for many couples, that can be a legitimate issue. However, you say you love him and he's amazing in one breath but then in the other, you told him you needed a break because he doesn't have money to take you out? Those two sentiments don't seem to go together.You need to reevaluate whether this money thing is ok for you or not. If it's not, it's not going to get any better for quite quite some time. He may not just be the one for you if the money issue is that important.If you are financially secure, can you pay for things so the two of you can go out? My ex-bf and I went through different financial stages and we would both go through spells of paying for things that could last several months.Personally, it's so difficult finding someone who treats you well and is that giving of a person...it would speak volumes to me the effort this guy was making to keep you happy..

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #1

Money is important....and I am a firm believer in the idea that a man should take a woman aka me, out. I feel wierd paying for big dinners when we are together..it feels like role reversal. I have no problem buying drinks here and there or paying for a few small things but I want a man that can support me in the future. If he has like no money in the bank, isnt that a bad sign? My heart aches to see him..but I want a guy who dresses well and takes me out to where I wana go..not to share one slice of pizza. I guess I am used to a better life...I am used to something many guys cant afford now..should I settle for the amazing guy who treats me so nice but has no money..or should I tough it out w a heart ache and find someone else? I am so confused..I dont know if I ca handle someone with no money but I dont know if I can handle it without him either. please help...I am soo confused...

Comment #2

Pleasedo this "amazing guy" a favor and let him go so he can find someone who appreciates him for him and not for his wallet!..

Comment #3

If you're so hung up on this, then you have your answer. But in his defense, it certainly doesn't sound as though he is irresponsible with money...he just got out of school and is about to "start out". Most people in his situation need a few years to get established financially. If he had to work in college and also get good grades, it's not his fault that he doesn't have money in the bank. It's not like the guy's 32 and has been working for 10 years and he has a gambling problem. He is just embarking on a career.If you WANT a guy who can afford to take you out regularly and you aren't willing to pay for things because of how you feel the "roles" of males and females should be, that's fine.

There's nothing wrong with that and at least you're being honest. Shouldn't be that hard to walk away from this one then.Who's to say your guy wouldn't be able to support you in the future? But it sounds like you want fancy dinners...because if this guy were truly amazing, sharing pizza and being understanding of his situation wouldn't be that big of a deal..

~Kelly~.

 Marrying my best friend and soul mate on June 20. 2008!..

Comment #4

Men want an equal partner with whom we can share the great things in life. We DO NOT want a gold digging Princess that demands to be bought. You taking a break from him is the best thing that could happen for him at this time, even though he likely doesn't realize it. At least he will be free from a USER.What makes you think that you are such a hot prospect that a man should be obligated to spend a grand or two on you every month?For other women reading this thread - YES I'm being very direct here. However, no smart man wants this kind of woman in which to share his life. This man is doing something good, but it is clear that it isn't good enough for her because he doesn't immediately and instantly have thousands of dollars saved for spending on her. In a word - YUCK!..

Comment #5

Yes YUK! Totally agree with northwestwanderer and spiceman. I was never such a gold digging b**ch when I was the poster's age. Maybe I'm too soft (I've helped the man financially if he was in problems through no fault of his own) but I am have this kind of strange philosophy that I want to be with someone I love for themselves and not for their bank balance or lack of it..

Comment #6

You're right "as a teacher" he's going to be living on the brink of poverty, eating canned products without microwaving them and expecting you to provide the plastic utensils. ::rolls eyes::"As a teacher" myself, I am appalled at your lack of social grace and inherent soul. He is choosing to do something absolutely wonderful, passionate, and difficult. He will not be poor. You, however, are morally impoverished in your pursuit of materialism, pretending to cover it under "I was raised this way."I am glad you did this guy a favor and cut him loose so he can pursue his worthy dreams that will benefit the children of America, while you pursue your vacuous materialistic goals and fancy dinners.Sheesh...

Comment #7

Either you want him or you dont want him. If you don't know whether or not you want him...then you don't want him...

Comment #8

OMG, sorry.. but you sound so superficial. You're not that in love with him if you can't handle not going to fancy restaurants for a while. Both my boyfriend and I come from wealthy families (I am 20 and he's 21), but I could care less if he had money. That's not why I'm with him. I'm with him because of his amazing qualities and the amazing time we have together.

We just enjoy each other's companies. If you are having such a miserable time not going on expensive outings, then you're not happy.. so I'd say find someone with money who can make you happy...

Comment #9

Sorry, dear but you sound like a spoiled brat. You don't love him, or you would accept his current broke status. What's wrong with your pocket book? Take him on a few nice dates. He was spending all his money on you and all you can do is whine about the current situation. Sounds like a snobbish attitude. Do him a favor and leave him alone...

Comment #10

My boyfriend and I often take turns paying for dinners/take-out/entertainment. We both LOVE pizza, and there's a place near his house that has AWESOME pizza, so we take turns paying for it.  We often split the bill when we go out to dinner, because I don't feel right having a guy spend all his money on me.  I probably go overboard trying to be "even Steven."  But I know he doesn't have a ton of money, and neither do I.  So I can't, in good conscience, ever let someone "pay my way" ALL the time.  I guess that goes to show that the kind of family you grow up with makes a difference - my parents did not have a lot of money.  All our clothes were bought at KMart and any dinners out were eaten at inexpensive restaurants where entrees were $10 or less...

Comment #11

Best advice I ever got from a friend - I was dating (online dating with Match.com) an obscenely wealthy guy. Super nice guy. Liked him but didn't love him and knew it wasn't gonna happen.R's advice:"Sleep with the landlord and the rent's due every night".I wasn't willing to sell myself. I'd suggest you mull over my friend R's advice..

The problem with winter sports is that follow me closely here they generally take place in winter.- Dave Barry..

Comment #12

I agree with every other poster here, you don't have a clear grasp on reality. Then again, you're 21 and probably not 100% financially independant from your family. You haven't learned that life isn't about things, your needs aren't taken care of by money. Your emotional well-being and happiness can only be filled by people and thoughts, not expensive clothes and big bills at local 'hot-spots'. The college years is about being broke, unless your parents were pretty well off or you managed to secure a well paying job during school (think 90-100 hour weeks, school work & regular work combined!). Now he's out and there's always a period inbetween graduation and the first 'real' paycheck.

Now it's time to repay student loans, furnish the place, update the wardrobe from college to professional world, save for a house/pay rent, etc etc. Being an adult is about not having money...instead you have food, a roof over your head, transportation and a retirement account. You learn that you can't be wasteful by dropping $100 on dinner or $500 on a necklace for your unsupportive girlfriend. I think he's the smart one here and you're disillusioned. If you don't love him enough to simply enjoy his company, no matter where you are than just let someone else have him.

He'll work and handle the money...then see how much money you're 'allowed'...

Comment #13

Spice, there are times that I disagree with you. This is NOT one of those times.Here here! And to the OP, if you want a "better life", then get off your duff, get a high-paying job, and make one for *yourself*...

Comment #14

This guy actually sounds like he's in the same spot most recent college grads are...broke, waiting for "real" employment to start, and doing the best they can in the meantime. It happened to me, most of my friends, and my college bf. It's normal. Geez, at least he has a job coming up! I remember the summer after college...depleting the savings, waiting tables, trying desperately to find something in my field before the loan bills kicked in! Welcome to the real world, I would call it. You are in college yourself...do you work or does your family support you? Either way, chances are good that you will not have it made immediately upon graduation. Even if you get an internship that turns into a job, or get lucky and land a job right away, should you be so hard on someone whose job, by definition, does not start until fall?..

Comment #15


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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