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Mentality Gap

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The man I recently broke up with won't leave me alone. He was desperately trying to get me to be friends with him after the breakup, and I wasn't interested. We didn't start out as friends. I'm not in the habit of staying friends with my exes.  Although I have no hard feelings, he and I are driven by very different things. After exchanging a few nasty messages a few weeks ago, I thought we stopped communicating for good. Two weeks passed without contact, and then out of the blue,  I received another message from him asking whether we could talk.

Sex B. Friends/Feelings C. other? (should have done A/B/C/D He chose B initially, and then added other, and wrote that his three-year-old (whose presence in his life was a major point of divergence for our relationship, even though she immediately bonded with me) sends her regards, in between his answers.

So he insists that we talk, but he won't tell me what about. Allegedly, I don't know what he is thinking, but he won't tell me anything concrete. I understand that no one enjoys being dumped, not to mention he insisted on a sitdown when I told him that we should stop seeing one another. This time around I conceded to one, but I am afraid that he either won't be able to articulate why he needs to have a discussion with me or what he wants to tell me, or I'm gving him a plain chance to insult me.

Ultimately, I'm not interested in rekindling our relationship (thru Match.com) even if we resume on my terms, but I wanted to have a civilized mature breakup, avoid the pitfalls of bruised egos and broken hearts so to speak..

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What's my question? 'Not sure, where is he coming from? I wanted to be understanding for a change...trying to be more understanding with the entire human race, it's hard to convince others to follow suit.

R.

Brat Princess..

Comments (17)

Your question was: Mentality Gap.

A few things could be going on here:.

1. he is very insecure and needs to know that you and he can be friends and he can touch base with you every now and then and maybe it leads to a reconciliation one day - this is why guys like to be friends with their exes..

2. he is being persistant because he is under a false impression that persistance like this is romantic and a woman is impressed with it..

3.he is a control freak..

If you state what you want out of life...which in this case is "no friends"...he has no choice but to accept it.  In other words, dont get nasty or start belittling him because then he'll think it is about him and then he'll start to talk about how he can change his ways to be better suited to be friends.  You dont want to give him that opening..

 Just state "this is what I want out of life.  Should I ever run into you in at a restaurant we'll exchange 'hellos' and be very cordial and polite.  But what I want for myself is to not have baggage and an ex is baggage - even in friend form.  There is no compromising here.  I am very sorry if this offends you but you have to let me go and leave me alone so that I can enjoy my life."..

Comment #1

It's not over yet.  He texted that he would email me (i.e we need to talk). Never did. What bugs me is that I can't tell why he would have "lied" in this manner. I'm done being nice and understanding, but what bothers me more is that he won't say anything substantial, texting a periodic "hi", to what purpose I cannot comprehend, or keeps throwing his three-year-old daughter in my face by texting so and so misses you, so and so says hi, even texts pictures of him and his daughter. I find this communication via daughter downright disturbing, meanwhile, he's allegedly no longer trying to get back together with me. I'm ignoring his msgs, but I am once again interested in the psychological underpinnings of his behavior.  Has he gone mad? Is he passive-aggressive, deliberately, or sub-unconsciously, etc.?.

TIA,.

R .

 .

P.S. Any takers, please?.

Edited 10/19/2007 12:26 pm ET by dumberu.

Brat Princess..

Comment #2

I vote passive-aggressive.  Whether it's intentional or not is not really the point.  And there's also no real point in trying to understand someone who is behaving so irrationally..

At this point, it's time to tell him point blank that you've tried being nice about this but that now you are completely done.  Tell him that you don't appreciate the attempted emotional blackmailing with the daughter and that at this point you want to have no further contact with him and that if he continues to pursue this that you will consider taking matters to the police.  You can even say that you had no intention of anything ever getting ugly or having to take this route but that he has not respected your wishes and you feel that if it continues this way you are left with no choice.  Then block his email address, call your cell phone company to see if they can block his phone number or texts (many companies can allow you to block texts from unwanted numbers  but often not phone calls) and do not take his calls or respond in any way..

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Comment #3

His trying to convince you to talk to him/be friends or whatever reeks of a guy that is manipulative. Things are not going according to his plan and he wants to rectify that. I'm afraid the only way to really get this guy out of your life is to be very upfront and blunt with him (if that is what you would like to do). However, if you decide to keep him in your life as friends or "other" don't be surprised when this behavior continues every time you don't follow along with what he wants. Sorry you have to put up with this! Yuk!YGhttp://twodatediva.blogspot.com/.

YG.

Http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/..

Comment #4

Yogagirl and vexer make really good points and offer valid suggestions on how to handle the situation. He has turned himself into a pest who needs to be dealt with in a very firm manner.  Who cares if his daughter misses you?  You havent known them for that long for her to really miss you or for you to develop feelings for the child..

He sounds controlling, manipulative, and childish.  Just tell him that you dont wish to be contacted any longer and if he continues you will consider this as a form of harassment and eventually he will hear from your lawyer or the police...

Comment #5

Thank you everyone for your responses. Hopefully, I won't have to resort to involving the authorities and to issuing threats.  He'll give up one day. A weekly text does not threaten me.  It's a little bit like having a bully, if you ignore him long enough, he will give up trying to sabotage you because you're not feeding his obsession..

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~R.

Brat Princess..

Comment #6

Is he still bothering you almost 3 weeks later?  If so, it's time to get tough and either lay it out on the line and tell him you are contacting the authorities if he doesn't leave you alone or to go ahead and do so.

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Comment #7

Out of curiousity, have you ever texted back "go away?"..

Comment #8

Many times, in the beginning, but he told me sob stories, so I tried to support him, I never said I wanted to get back together. He was sending too many mixed signals, asking to talk, then pulling away, or changing the subject. I gave up trying to get to the bottom of things, he mad it imposssible for me to do so. I think his behavior is highly bizarre no matter how you look at it. Something is def amiss in his universe. he's either trying to get to me, if just for the hell of it (imaginable, stupid and useless, but still imaginable) or all of his out context  time and content wise txts come from some frame of reference (rationalized). I get a txt every Sunday and a follow up every Monday morning, but the txts aren't connected. last Sunday he sent me a random "yes"; the Monday msg read "hi, can we be friends?" it's as if he's pulling random txts from his sent folder and forwarding them,  sometimes it's jibberish, sometimes it's a plea, sometimes it's smthg he's never written before...all of it is nuts, but i'm sure this strategy is helping him get over whatever it is that his ego is grappling with. I haven't replied in 3 weeks, but they still keep coming, lucky me! .

Edited 10/31/2007 5:01 pm ET by dumberu.

Edited 10/31/2007 5:06 pm ET by dumberu.

Brat Princess..

Comment #9

Since it's only texts, I think that at the very least, it's time to contact your cell phone company and see if you can block unwanted texts.  As long as he's not getting too wacko and emailing and calling and all that if he doesn't get an answer, see what you can do about making sure texts don't get thru to you and you can be done with it.

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Comment #10

I agree with vexer block his texts and calls and emails.  Your phone company can help you with that.  He has you in some sick sort of roleplay in his mind and the sooner he gets the message that you are not the woman for him to do this with...the sooner he'll be out of your life...

Comment #11

This is the same story with lots of guys after the girl ends the relationship.I have a friend who is going through a breakup right now (5 years and lived together), and all she needed was to keep contact with her future ex to a bare minimum until after the the moving issues were done and then there would be no contact at all. She asked him not to contact her, but he used their moving issues as a reason to keep in touch with her and discuss being friends (She wasn't having it, because she knew there was something manipulative behind that gesture.... and there usually is when suggested that soon after a break-up). You don't try to remain friends with an ex IMMEDIATELY after a break-up, that just leads to sex and getting back into the relationship (thru Match.com) you were trying to get out of.So whether it's moving questions or a small child, it's the same weapon. You need to hold fast to your demands, and not attract anymore attention from him on your end by entertaining his communications. Don't reply to phone calls or emails or smoke signals your ex is sending.

Eventually your constant showing of the cold, silent shoulder will let the message sink into his head.A lot of times when ending a relationship, politeness needs to go out the window in order for the other person to get the point...

Comment #12

Thank you for the level-headed approach, I concur on all accounts with you..

I pictured the cold shoulder, but my "compassion" got the in way.  This break up has been no different than all the others and I failed to see it in the beginning b/c I did not walk away mad. I thought I did both of us a huge favor.

I'm happy to report that lack of interest may be finally taking it's affect as communication seems to have finally altogether subsided, and even if this isn't the end, the end is nearer than far..

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RRR.

Brat Princess..

Comment #13

You really do need to be firm and consistent - that is the key!.

,..

Comment #14

 Update (every two-weeks, like clockwork, it seems):.

 This is a first, I got a phone call (haven't had one since we broke up) and he left a voicemail to boot. yes, ignoring his attempts at contacting hasn't worked. I'm afraid to listen to the vmsg. I suppose, everyone would encourage me to ignore & delete w/out a listen, and start blocking.  I can't say that I'm not a little bit curious. Despite of what he chose to say on the vmail (assuming he left words of substance), I won't be contacting him. it could also contain nothing but noises, or drivel, I still won't be contacting him.  I'm curious and fearful at the same time, and I needed to tell someone.   .

~R.

P.S. Yup, insanity and manipulation galore. I decided to have a listen.  Ha! "Hey, it's _insert the culprit's name here_; you're probably shocked that I'm calling you, but I am; now it's your turn!" Shocked? no, at my wit's end. .

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Edited 11/14/2007 7:43 pm ET by dumberu.

Brat Princess..

Comment #15

It sounds like he's pregnant and you're the father.  Congratulations..

Just stop talking to this guy. ..

Comment #16

I must too obtuse and ignorant to comprehend your intricate reference.

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Brat Princess..

Comment #17


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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