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I've gotten into a long distance relationship (thru Match.com) with a guy whom I've known for the past 7yrs... everything was great until I've been feeling that this has been a one-sided relationship (thru Match.com) whereby I've been on the driver's seat and he's jus taking the backseat. I've become really frustrated at him and have even told him abt it. But so far, he's not done anything about it and I'm on the verge of calling it off. What do I do? He doesn't communicate at all! He doesn't call or sms or email or any other form of communication. I always have to be the fire starter and I am getting really fed up of it.

It's like he's just not really into this relationship (thru Match.com) or me for that matter!..

Comments (11)

Your question was: Men!.

Can you call him and address the issue of communication with him in a clear manner that relays that in order for this to work you both need to initiate communication with each other?..

Comment #1

It sounds like this guy is definitely into the long distance aspect of this relationship.  It's 7 years and  there's been no talk of shortening the distance between you and him.  I think you need to concentrate on someone who is open to being close to you emotionally and geographically..

,..

Comment #2

We've been friends for 7years but only been into a serious relationship (thru Match.com) since beginning of this year. I feel that this is fate, there were sparks when we met 7years ago but both of us were in a relationship (thru Match.com) with different people at that time. And now, 7years later, we managed to hook up... I mean, I believe people come at the right time and place sometimes but I feel that he doesn't seem to appreciate it somehow. And I am not sure what to do with him. I've spoken out my unhappiness but he seems to think that I'm mad about something else.

He's so blur sometimes. I'm just not too sure anymore about this relationship. Perhaps I should learn how to detach myself from him and see what he does about it? It's like a test? Perhaps he will panic once he knows I really meant what I've said?Suggestions are all welcome!..

Comment #3

Why should he pursue you when you are pursuing him, and this has been going on since the first of the year? Doesn't matter about the "spark" from 7 years ago, you were both in other relationships. If a guy is interested in you he will let you know, by calling you or getting in touch with you. Stop initiating contact with him, let him come to you. BUT don't do it as a test or game (games have no business in a mature honest relationship) You need to get on with your life, find new hobbies, things to do, visit friends, make your life happy and full. If he starts initiating contact good, if not, then it is better to find out now. Good luck..

Comment #4

Since you have tried to address your discontent and he is pretending to not understand...then drop him.  I agree with sassisizz - it is time to move on from this rut you are in.  Dont do it to test him because then you will only end up hurt.  But if inside you need to see things for yourself...and you interpret his behavior in that format to get the full impact of his behavior (does not reciprocate emotions) ...then do what you need to do to move on.  He wont panic.  Men dont panic.  Men get upset that their security blanket is gone and then they put out moves to get it back and then resume usual behavior.  Just remember that  about men - they exert themselves practically - in order to get what they want and then they feel they dont have to continue.  Will they never learn?..

Comment #5

I agree with you. In fact, I've told him that I don't think this is gonna work out and it's best that we just go our separate ways. He's telling me that he does not understand why I'm flipping over a small issue. He says that he needed for me to be completely strong and independent but I told him that sometimes I do need the emotional support and even if he dun understand, he has to try to. But right now, after half a year has passed by, I don't see any initiative from him so why should I try so hard then? After all that's being said and done, he's still not reacting to it but still wanna work things out. Hence, I don't know what's wrong with him.

And that character/emotion is rather cold...

Comment #6

 .

It really does come down to communication - men and women are pretty different so things do need to be spelled out clearly to be understood.

,..

Comment #7

The real issue is that he is qualifying your issues.  By that I mean he is laying judgement on your issues..

Since men and women do not think, speak or do anything alike...it is very important that if one party considers something to be hurtful or an issue to be addressed or discussed or to be dealt with in a validating manner...then it is important that the other do so. Women do this to men too - like when we jab them a little about their cars, or their egos - we are doing the same thing...trying to minimize something they feel is very important to them.  Men like to poo poo our disappointments in them by saying it is such a small issue..

The way to rectify it is for both parties to agree to validate the other's concerns..

It sounds like he doesnt wish to validate your concerns because the situation is okay with him. since he doesnt perceive a problem with your relationship...there will be nothing addressed.  This is the other thing that each party needs to agree to...that if there is a problem for one...it is a problem for both.  This washes back both ways and both parties  should feel satisfied..

Can you address these issues with him without any emotion?  You say he is cold...you need to decide if you want a cold man beside you for a long time.  I wouldnt'.  But maybe if you address the situation with him like a business negotiation - "this is what I see we need for both parties to be happy - you say you want to work on things...these are the obstacles I see to having a mutually pleasurable relationship."  and hopefully you can bring up the mutual validation and agree to address problems together..

Good luck...

Comment #8

<< I mean, I believe people come at the right time and place sometimes but I feel that he doesn't seem to appreciate it somehow. >>.

If you believe that, then ... you have to apply it.   It may be the right *time* (i.e., youre both available) but it's not the right *place* ... because well, you're not in the same place geographically!  And, if you took an honest look at what you believe there ... you'd have to admit that's true. .

The right place would mean both of you being in the same town/area.    And, well, maybe you're not in the same place ... in your minds ... in terms of wanting the compatible things.  .

I think you have to ask yourself "is a long-distance relationship (thru Match.com) what I really want?!" and be honest with your own wants and needs.

 ..

Comment #9

Hmm... interesting point that you have said there. I supposed he really did think it was no issue and I'm such a strong and independent person whom can handle almost anything... so not true!! He has however, apologized in the end. His exact words were: I'm sorry that I've been failing to communicate and addressing your needs and wants but I will try harder this time around. I've accepted his apology and we've basically both decided to save this relationship (thru Match.com) for what it's worth.

The first thing that he needs to fix, is that he should start initiating. Actions speaks louder than words... so I've to see how golden are his words and promises to me.And to answer starbuck70, yes... I am fine with long-distance relationship. Should everyting works out fine, I will eventually think of moving closer to him to close the gap btwn us....

Comment #10

If you are giving him a chance then his apology seemed sincere to you.  Ouch - dont staple your hands...hehehe..

You are correct in feeling that actions speak louder than words..

I know how you feel about the strong, independent thing.  People take that for granted in me too, so I never get taken care of the way I deserve to be taken care of..

Good luck to you...

Comment #11


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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