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Memento

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My boyfriend and I brokeup a couple of months ago.  Things were left really unresolved.  When we were together, we had exchanged these really sentimental gifts that are sort of counterparts to each other.  We have some friends in common.  Apparently he is still wearing it.  I know the only sure way to know is to ask him, but I'm not ready yet... so I'm thinking either he just really likes this piece and that's why he is still wearing it and there's nothing more to it... or he is not over me yet.  I know it will be particular to the individual, but would men generally just chuck this if they didn't want to think about the person anymore?  I dunno.   I'm confused.  I guess another way to pose it to you would be this way - are you still wearing anything your ex gave you?  And I state specifically something on your person that you wear.. that you never take off.. because other gifts are different- you can put them away in a drawer.. I'm saying you wear it everyday, you shower with it, etc .. and if so, why do you still wear it?  Because your still attached to the person, or because u just like the darn thing?  Thanks in advance.  Allie.     ..

Comments (30)

Your question was: Memento.

I still wear/use gifts given to me by the men from my past.  I like them so why not?  But it doesnt mean that I still have feelings for them.  However, I was not given a gift that goes with another piece that a SO would wear - I am assuming like a heart cut in two.  I have seen people wear a half of a heart and their SO would wear the other half. In that case, I would not wear it ever again if we broke up.  If he is still wearing something like that...it means he hasn't moved on...but that doesnt mean that he wants to reconcile. But, the only way to know for sure is to ask him...

Comment #1

I have to say that when I'm still attached to someone I will keep the memento. I am still wearing it or displaying it then I am still attached. I may not necessary want to get back together but I don't want to lose this person in my life. I recently broke up with a guy but I still felt very attached to him. I felt like we weren't done. Even though I did the breaking up.

He was not just my boyfriend but my best friend. I couldn't take down the picture of us in my office. I didn't throw away the cards and gifts. We did reconnect and started hanging out. We hung out together for about 3 months when I realized why I broke up with him in the first place.

I KNOW it's over now and those mementos only have the meaning of "It's someone from my past." So I would say he is still attached to you. By being attached does not necessarily mean still in love. So tread lightly. Sounds to me you are still attached too or you wouldn't care what he was saying, doing or wearing.

Good Luck!..

Comment #2

Impossible to tell.  It could be he wears it because he still carries a torch for you, or it could be that he just likes the particular piece of jewelry and wearing it has nothing to do with you..

I received a beautiful pair of earrings from an ex-boyfriend that I still wear all the time to work, because they're both professional and stylish.  My wearing the earrings has nothing to do with him; I feel nothing for him and would never want him back in my life in any capacity..

On the other hand, I received some rope bracelets and necklaces from a different ex-boyfriend from our world travels.  They weren't particularly pretty, but they were something I wore because it made me feel connected to him.  When we broke up, I ended that connection by removing them and not wearing them again...

Comment #3

Thanks so much for your reply.  I totally can relate because I was the one that broke it off as well!  But when we broke up, things were left really unresolved.  And I do still have feelings for him.  My instinct says that it's the same for him.  I just feel that he should be the one to contact me because things he said and did was the reason I broke up with him.  I think he is really ashamed of his behavior and may be afraid to initiate contact.  The whole memento thing.. they are counterparts of each other that we exchanged at the same time.  He's not taken his off, and I've not taken off mine... there's a bit of an added catch to this memento LOL  I will explain in reply to the post that follewed yours.....

Comment #4

Hi! Thanks for your response.  I totally get what you're saying about the rope ornaments with your ex - what "A" and I share are very simple, but so very special.  The most meaningful things don't have to be the most expensive stuff in the world.  So let me explain why this situation is.. a little different LOL  He and I exhanged these wristbands that are cut from the same original material, which we fastened on each others wrists.  The way they are fastened, you can never take them off.  I mean EVER.  You must swim, bathe, whatever, live your life with it.  The absolute only way to remove it is to literally CUT it off with scissors.  And it's funny because as I was fastening his, I said to him in jest, "I bet you'll never have the guts to cut this off" and he said "Probably not" LOL  So you see, it's not a regular piece of jewelry he nor I could decide to take off whenever we want.  If either of us decided we didn't want to wear it anymore, we would have to essentially destroy the piece, by cutting it.  And neither of us have had the guts to do it, it seems.  But I know it's not to do with the actual piece, but it's meaning to us and the connection it signifies that no matter where we are, we are connected by this thing.  Maybe I just answered my own question...   Yah, now I think there's is still something there if he can't let it go. .

Edited 10/11/2007 5:09 pm ET by allieshmatt..

Comment #5

You can't move on in your life with or without him until you get this nagging issue resolved. I would make a very subtle move and see if he responds. Maybe a text that just says "Hey" or call his cell when you know he won't be able to answer and leave a message saying "Just wanted to say hi" I have a sneaking suspicion that he will call back. You two have some unresolved issues. Just ignoring them and pretending they are not there will not help either of you to get back together and/or move on from each other. Sometimes when someone is ashamed a gently encouragement is all they need to open up again.

No amount of talking and rehashing will change him...

Comment #6

No, it wasn't alcohol, cheating or abuse at all... He was a great boyfriend up until one bad day where he just said some really hurtful things.  I felt like I didn't even know the person in front of me, I was so shocked.  I couldn't belive the things he was saying to me.  I don't really know what he was thinking, but he was a total ass.  Anyway, I don't really want to make the first contact, so I dunno.. have to think about it some more.  I'm just not used to ever making the first move with guys, it's just not something I do.  I know he's everything I could want already though, even with him having been a jerk..  From what our friends have said, I think he is really ashamed and feels bad.  It was one day.. albeit a really bad day, but I'd be willing to hear him out. I just can't imagine my life without knowing him and.. I dunno, maybe he feels the same way since he hasn't cut off our bracelets.. Bah!    ..

Comment #7

~~He was a great boyfriend up until one bad day where he just said some really hurtful thingsFrom what our friends have said, I think he is really ashamed and feels bad. It was one day.. albeit a really bad day, but I'd be willing to hear him out. I just can't imagine my life without knowing him and.. I dunno, maybe he feels the same way since he hasn't cut off our bracelets.. Bah!~~You said you don't make initial contact with guys, OK...but yet you still talk to your friends about him and what he my be thinking/feeling.

You want to have things resolved but yet you are unwilling to make a move in that direction. You can't have it both ways.What if he cuts the bracelet off, then is it a *sign* that everything is over. You said you are still wearing yours...why not cut it off if you won't do anything to resolve the issue. As far as wearing mementos, my ex gave me some jewelry, including two rings I wore on my left hand. The day I left him I took off the rings and put them away.

;-).

LG..

Comment #8

I never ask about him with our friends ever, but they feel the need to bring him up at times LOL  I'm like ok, I get it already.  It's not about control to me, it's just that since he was the ass when we broke up, I think he should be the one to approach me and apologize!  Anyway, as I said, I will think about maybe encouraging him or whatever.   Haha, that's funny what you said about selling your jewelry on ebay LOL  Buuuut asking seriously, would you really be able to do it, you think?  I mean really, if you think about it, what good are they sitting in a drawer, you know?  Might as well make some money off of it.  A friend of mine, her then boyfriend gave her a diamond ring (not engagement) and he just disappeared on her so she was able to go to the store and exchange them for diamond earrings.  How cool is that?  If A hasn't cut off his bracelets by now, I know he'll never have the guts to anymore until they fall off.    ..

Comment #9

When something like that happens ( a verbal explosion) you wonder if the person had been feeling these things all along and just finally let it out or is it that the person feels bad inside and wants you to feel just as bad so they say/do hurtful things to bring you down.  In any case it is a sign of immaturity and an inability to constructively deal with feelings.  But...the heart is a wonderous thing and can still love in spite of that.  Because of pride a lot of men do not make the first move to apologize...even if they screwed up.  So you have to determine whether you can weather the verbal storms every now and then and have to be the one to initiate a make up session or ...you want a person to be consistent with feelings and emotions and not make the first move knowing that down the road you'll be back at this place.  What ever happens between the two of you I hope it is what you want...

Comment #10

Actually just writing about selling the stuff got me motivated and I listed them on e-bay this morning. Now I just have to wait until someone buys them.

LG..

Comment #11

Reading about these bracelets and jewelry items had gotten me thinking.  Up until a couple of weeks ago..I was interested in someone who received a bracelet from a woman who makes these beaded bracelets for lots of people and when she visits with them she may bring a bracelet or two.  The guy who I was interested in, who appeared to be someone really cool to know and to hang with, was going to use the bracelet as a tool to make me jealous.  Or to see if I would become deranged or loco because he got this bracelet as a gift.  Well...the fact that he would use this to "test" me (like a thing in a labgrrr!) or to get me jealous...really hits home as to how immature and insecure this guy is.  And  this woman giving this gift knowing what he was going to do with this is also scum - she loves to spout her feminist bullsh*t because she is bullsh*t because she helped to victimize a woman.  So...here's to ridding ourselves of stupid baggage and stupid people!!..

Comment #12

OMG, that is such crap what that guy did!  I mean really, grow up, right?  So I'm guessing you stopped seeing him then?  Was this very recent?  Yah, A didn't so much blow up really but said some things about someone else that was just really cruel and then he said something rude to me.  Ugh, I just can't even go into the whole thing.  But generally, it wasn't even about me and our friends point that out and what I say to them is Ok, I don't want someone who is great to me and crap to everyone else.  I want a genuinely good person.  But I think he realizes he sounded like an ass and is sorry.  That was just one time and people make mistakes.   In fact, every time he made a mistake while we were together, he made it once and only once and never again.  He was a really great boyfriend.  I think he was just so ashamed by what he said to me and how he treated me that day that he couldn't show his face to me again.  Ha, and rightly so!  Anyway, I will think about maybe encouraging him to talk to me.   ..

Comment #13

I can respect that you don't normally contact the guy. Maybe more time is needed for you to be in a better place. You know the saying "If you love someone and let them go. If they come back they are yours. If they don't they never were". I do think that he should contact you first b/c he was the one to make the mistake.

So you might be correct in not contacting him. But I am also a firm believer that in order to heal you have to dress the wound. Right now you are not healing your just in limbo. So it's a tough call. I always make the first contact b/c I am one of those people that don't feel healed until I say what I have to say to him/her.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I ALWAYS regret doing it when it doesn't work. You will do what is right for yourself, when it feels right. In the mean time you can post to me to help work it out. I know writing it out helps too...

Comment #14

Men are typically less sentimental than women (but that's a huge generalization, I don't know your ex obviously) so perhaps alot of it is that he really likes the item.  But he certainly knows it's from you and what it symbolizes so there is that component as well. But if you want to start moving on, dwelling on is he or isn't he and his motivations won't help you get over him. Do you really need to ask him?.

 .

Good luck.

,..

Comment #15

Yah, he is actually very sentimental.  When we exchanged these things, he actually said that he loved the item, but that he loved it even more because it actually meant something.  And then another time, we exchanged these little cards, he has kept it in his wallet ever since.  He has given me mixed CDs of music we both love or new music he has heard that he thinks I will love and written inside phrases of ours on their covers.  So he is very sentimental LOL  Which is why it made me think that his still wearing the item meant more than he just liked it.  But anyway, we have since seen each other at a friend's gathering.  It was awkward at first but then really great.. I think I will post an update on another thread... Hope that's ok.  I'm new here and don't know the protocols yet....

Comment #16

It is a good sign that your ex learns from his mistakes...otherwise you'd be banging your head up against the wall trying to "train" him to be a good person.  I want a genuinely good person too.  I want someone to be good all around too, but I also want someone to be able to stand up for himself and me and us..to others too - even if it seems like he's a d*ck.  It's like this with me...I like squirrels..they can be very cute.  But I dont like them near my cat Jesse.  If one were to attack my cat Jesse...I'd have to attack the squirrel.  I dont mean to be cruel to wildlife...but I love my Jesse more and will defend her.  That's the type of guy I want..

"I think he was just so ashamed by what he said to me and how he treated me that day that he couldn't show his face to me again.  Ha, and rightly so!  Anyway, I will think about maybe encouraging him to talk to me." > cheers to you and your strength!!  I think you did reconnect with him recently, based on what I saw in a post.  As long as you are happy, that is all that counts.   There is no reason to be cruel to the one you love...so hopefully he doesnt do a verbal explosion on you again..

Yeah, this guy (bracelet man) is the same I posted about on the "want friendship to be more" thread.  I wasnt dating (online dating with Match.com) him, just interested in him. .

 ..

Comment #17

Hi girl!  Thanks for your post   Yah, my instinct really really was not to do anything because even though I still had feelings for him, I felt it wasn't my place to approach him.  Yes, go after what you want, etc... but he owed me a big-time apology!  And I just did not want to contact him even though I missed him.  Well, it worked out, because I got that big apology.. I didn't want to blab on in my update post, but at this party, he played this song he had written me in front of everyone.  It was amazing, to say the least!  Hmp, guy knows how to win a girl over LOL .

It's funny, because when we had broken up I was so mad... I was telling my friends, that short of him hanging a massive banner over Alexanderplatz (a square where we live) or writing me the greatest love song of all f-ing time, we are sooooo over! LOL  And I said to them - the love song is totally doable since he plays guitar in a freaking band! Too funny. ..

Comment #18

Glad to hear you got your apology!!  You must be thrilled!  Does your BF normally write songs for you?.

Since the guy who I was interested in debased me in front of the world...a private apology and a song wouldnt quite cut it for me.  And I dont think he has the guts or the inclination to do anything about what he did to me.  Right now I am under "no contact" and will make sure I dont expose myself to him in any way so that he cant hurt me anymore.  He took me to the "point of no return" that all of us have and his life is a mess to boot so I happily release him to the universe and wherever he falls...that "lucky" girl can  have him.  I need someone who has his life together and cares enough about himself to not do stupid things for attention and to get laid.  If a guy cares about his life and how he treats people, then I connect the dots to think that he stands a good chance of caring about me and my life too...

Comment #19

No, he does not normally write songs to me - this was the first one   But I like this better because if he always wrote songs to me, this wouldn't be as special.  It is called "Mein kleines Ktzchen" , which is his nickname for me. .

This is sort off of topic, but recently my female bestfriend got angry with me.  Basically, I hadn't heard from her in a week and then I got a bunch of text messages from her asking where I'd been.  I said to her that I was the one who had emailed her last and I was waiting for her to reply.  She said she had replied several times and was worried about me when she hadn't heard back.  The email system was just messed up that week, so I hadn't gotten anything.  She said she didn't want to beg for my friendship and if I hadn't heard from her, that I should have called her to see what was up.  This is true.  The reason I hadn't done that is because people - both friends and boyfriend - have really let me down this year and I think I've sort of put up a defense wall now, you know?  I felt badly and I said I knew she was different and that she was my bestfriend.  .

I still feel guarded though.  It's like I don't know who to trust, do you know what I mean? ..

Comment #20

I agree, the song will be more special to you this way.  What does your nickname mean?  I dont speak German.  It is German isnt it?  Are you located in Germany?  There are many people on the board from other countries..

I know very well about friends and men letting someone down.  Sometimes friends can get a tad possessive, especially if you have a boyfriend.  She obviously has expectations of what constitutes a friend - you might want to find out if there are more expectations that you are not aware of.  I've had friends try to bust up my relationships because they are selfish and if they dont have a boyfriend I shouldnt either because then they have no one to hang out with.  Or they liked the attention I gave them as a friend and dont want to share it with a guy - I actually had someone tell me that once...sheesh!.

You want to trust the man in your life and your best girl friend with all of your heart...but sometimes the only you can count on is yourself.  I have always said that the only person who will never let me down...is me.  But, I cant fall in love with myself...so...men do come in handy, hehe.  Women have become more vicious with each other as the years have gone by so it will be hard to find a good friend. ..

Comment #21

Yes, we are German.  His nickname for me and the title of the song he wrote me means "my little kitten".  He also calls me "alliektze", which means alliecat    It was really an amazing apology.  He said "I've never been held to the standard that you hold me up to.  You call me out on stuff and you just don't put up with it.  You make me want to be a better man.  You're just the best thing that's ever come in to my life and I just love you".  LOL  I was thinking, That's right and don't you forget it... LOL  Keep it coming, buster... But really, of course my eyes were welling up.  Whatever, it was emotional.  And I don't like to appear vulnerable that way either.  Damn him! hehe       .

My best girl friend - she does not really mind about my bf.  In fact, she is very happy for me/us and we all hang out together.  She was just upset that I hadn't called her in days when I hadn't heard from her.   This year, I've just had some fair-weather friends or just low quality friends, you know?  Some would only call me every now and then or not at all.  I got tired of that, so I've gotten rid of alot of them.  Anyway, I wasn't sure if she was going to turn out to be one of those crap friends or what.  But she is proving to me that she is not. ..

Comment #22

"He also calls me "alliektze", > how cute!  How did you get the accent marks over the "a" in this program on ivillage?.

Let me ask you your opinion on something....you mentioned that your BF stated that your influence on his life is one that he wants to be a better person.  I know you said you were 19, I dont know how old your BF is. I'm sure he meant it as a compliment.  Would you have liked it better if he desired to grow as a person without these incidents?  In other words would you prefer a guy who was "already there"?.

 At my age, I would prefer someone to want to be a better person on his own...motivated by HIM wanting to have a better life.  I am tired of being the drive behind someone's ambition or self exploration.  I wasnt with my first ex husband...he was motivated on his own to open himself up and learn things and to explore life..and I liked that about him.  Sure, I may have been the one to suggest things or question things...but he was easy that way.  My second ex husband was the pits.  He didnt want to learn or do anything new (of course this happened after our marriage),  never mind being a better person...

Comment #23

I have the "" on my keyboard lol  We have slighty different keyboards here than in America that include symbols for sounds we use in German.  Another example is "" and ""..

You're right, I think age has alot to do with it.  My bf is my age.  If he were older, I would expect differently.  At the same time, even if the guy were older, maybe his experiences leading up to you has made him the way he is and if you are the person that inspires him to change, then that can only be positive, I think.  As long as the change is for the better.  And if the change is truly real, then the change is automatically not just for you, but for themselves as well.  For example, yes, my bf says that I instigated his change in behavior, but he wouldn't do this unless he was serious, unless he *really* wanted to, you know what I mean?  So he has to be doing it because he thinks it's right for himself as well, not just for me.  Does this make sense?  Life would be great if people were "already there", but everyone is on a journey, everyone is in process.   It would certainly make my life easier if I had a guy who was "already there" or at least close to it! LOL  But then, in my view, you also don't choose who to fall in love with so we have to make a decision to grow together and work on it, or figure it is not worth it and move on (in which case, to me, that means that person was not the right one for me in my life).  I hope this makes sense!  I'm just typing here... LOL  Would love to know what your perspective is. ..

Comment #24

 "have the "" on my keyboard lol".

Silly me, hehe..

"At the same time, even if the guy were older, maybe his experiences leading up to you has made him the way he is and if you are the person that inspires him to change, then that can only be positive, I think.  As long as the change is for the better.  And if the change is truly real, then the change is automatically not just for you, but for themselves as well.".

I get uncomfortable being someone's inspiration.  I have been the "silver lining in the dark cloud" before and at first I thought it was a great place to be, except, as time went on...there is no place to go but down.  Being put up on a pedestal is dangerous because you are put in a position to be a thing instead of a person who has needs too.  Once you become a person who breathes, eats, drinks and has wants...then the allure starts to fade because you existed for THEM in their minds..

I do believe that there are people out there who would make real changes because they want more for themselves and see that sometimes changes are necessary (for both parties) for a relationship (thru Match.com) to be successful.  Some people like to date using Match.com others who do challenge them a bit. However, men do change their habits and their ways, at times, to appease their wife or GF, but many men do it without their hearts in it and eventually they resent the woman because if they had their druthers...they'd leave their lives "as is".  They thought they could live without "x" and it turned out that they cant or dont want to.   I have seen it so often and it usually leads to a break up down the road. This happened with me and my second ex husband and he never voiced his discontent..he only kept yelling at me and taking things out on me. .

 "For example, yes, my bf says that I instigated his change in behavior, but he wouldn't do this unless he was serious, unless he *really* wanted to, you know what I mean?  So he has to be doing it because he thinks it's right for himself as well, not just for me.  Does this make sense? ".

I'm sure that if he said that you influenced his behavior in a positive way, then I'm sure he would be serious about it and sees it as beneficial for himself too.  It's important that he respects your opinion.  You see,  I would get uncomfortable with being in your position (the "better man" thing) because I dont want to fall into "silver lining" or anything like that again. To be seen as an influence like that is a huge compliment but it also could position me as a *thing* in a man's mind *again* (especially if he already objectifies women - like many men do) as a constant source for him to dip into like an endless well... instead of a real relationship (thru Match.com) where at times we both influence and lean on each other..

"Life would be great if people were "already there", but everyone is on a journey, everyone is in process.   It would certainly make my life easier if I had a guy who was "already there" or at least close to it! LOL  But then, in my view, you also don't choose who to fall in love with so we have to make a decision to grow together and work on it, or figure it is not worth it and move on (in which case, to me, that means that person was not the right one for me in my life).  I hope this makes sense!".

Yes, it makes sense hehe.  I dont feel I'm on a journey.  I just know that I am just *here* and I need to make the best of the life I have and learn a thing or two along the way.  I dont feel a profound sense of "duty" or "purpose".  I agree that you dont choose who you fall in love with - it just happens. And sometimes it happens *good* and sometimes it happens *bad*.  In the ideal world, both parties would  make the all important decision to grow together and work on it.....or figure out that it is not worth it and move on.   I say "ideal world" because too many people play games instead of being true to themselves and others.  And, of course, both parties need to have similar values systems and principles that they live by otherwise dont bother with it.  I dont know what it is like in Germany, but in the US dating (online dating with Match.com) has become a "sport" more or less with winners and losers. Everyone's lost their minds..

I just would like the learning curve for the man to be at his expense for a change instead of mine.  I no longer have the heart and stomach to take the constant blows when they screw up and dont take precautions to not hurt you out of carelessness -  just so the guy can learn how to treat a woman or become a better person - that is a one way street.  I believe that many times a person (man or woman) can figure things out without hurting the other person.  All they have to do is put themselves in your shoes and reach into their empathetic side..

 ..

Comment #25

I understand your point of view.  I don't think my bf sees me as an object because we both know I am not perfect and have things I could work on myself.  I am definitely not on a pedestal.  But really, he is a great person in the first place, otherwise I would not be in love with him.  It was just this one line of thinking of his that he expressed rather ineptly that bothered me. .

For me the hardest part is trust and I feel like I am at it's mercy because you don't really know.  All I can do is take a risk.  I risk my heart every time and it does hurt horribley when it is broken, but what can I do?   I think it is so hard to know if you can trust a person.  I have had two guys tell me specifically to trust them and then they proceeded to betray it!  It hurt soooooo badly.  I did not understand why they said this to me and then did the opposite.  Now I've learned if they verbally say to you "You need to trust me more", it is a bad sign!!   ..

Comment #26

What you and your BF have sounds different that what I experienced with both exhusbands.  In addition, you sound like you have an understanding and a friendship too..

Trust is always tenuous and risky, but without it you cant even begin to have some kind of a relationship.  I usually try to trust to some extent unless someone's behavior says otherwise.  I cant believe guys told you to trust them and then they proceeded to betray you...how awful!  I have not experienced that...but I can only imagine how you could have felt.  One thing I have learned is that words and actions need to match.  For instance, if their behavior says "uh oh" and their words say "trust me" then something is going on...and it is not the building of a healthy relationship (thru Match.com) and I need to let it go.

I also have higher standards, like you. So while many women would just be pleased if some ape brought home a paycheck...I want more for myself.  So if a guy is saying that he cares about me, but then jabs me with a low blow...then he doesnt care...at least the way *I* need to be cared about in order to be happy.  This is where women get confused...they say "but he said he loved me...why dont I feel loved?"  It is because he may "love" you the way *he* loves...not the way *you* love so you dont identify his behavior as loving...important red flag.  And what is important is realizing that two people need to love the same way in order for both to be happy.  If one doesnt play games to make the other jealous or anxious..then he or she needs the same in a partner.  The other thing I've learned.. if a guy lets you go .... then he doesnt want you bad enough.  Men are decisive..either they want you or they dont want you.  If they dont know...then they dont want you...bad enough...

Comment #27

"if a guy lets you go .... then he doesnt want you bad enough.  Men are decisive..either they want you or they dont want you.  If they dont know...then they dont want you...bad enough.".

This is so true I think.  I should carry it around in my pocket!  LOL  Because I believe this as well, but then sometimes I forget, know what I mean?  So if they let you go, they didn't want you bad enough OR they could hang on to you, dragging it out until someone else comes along because they don't want to be alone - ha!  I myself have not experienced this, but now know a couple of people who have done it to someone else, and as I said, I think this cruel.  I also think that the person on the other end of this knows that something is different.  I think someone who is just keeping someone around, this is reflected in their behavior - that they're not that into you anymore, but the other person blinds themselves to this because they're so caught up.  Their world revolves around the other. .

In my case, in the past, when I have hung on to someone who didn't want me anymore or their actions were saying this, I know I kept coming up with excuses or justifications for them.  I would remember all the good times and think, how could they forget that?  They have to still be into me... But it is all false.  And then I finally let go and these are the same boys that were calling me all summer long for God knows why!  They are sooo stupid and crazy to think I would ever give them the time of day again.  I make myself very vulnerable in relationships.  I say what's on my mind.  I will pour my heart out if I love you and fight for what we have.  If I give you a chance to come back to me and you throw it in the trash, why would I ever offer it to you again?? LOL  .

So my past trend has been to actually hang on until I can't anymore, but the catch is, is that once I decide we are over, there is absolutely no going back.  So my bf caught me before that point of no return, lucky for him - haha.  A point, where even the greatest love song of all time could not have redeemed..

 My -current- trend is alot less patience with s***t.  In the past, I would have not spoken to my bf maybe for a couple of days for the crap he said before, but this time I outright dumped him! LOL .

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Edited 10/21/2007 2:12 pm ET by allieshmatt..

Comment #28

"I make myself very vulnerable in relationships.  I say what's on my mind.  I will pour my heart out if I love you and fight for what we have.  If I give you a chance to come back to me and you throw it in the trash, why would I ever offer it to you again?? LOL ".

Yes,  woman after my own heart. .

"So my bf caught me before that point of no return, lucky for him - haha".

Your BF is one lucky man!!!!  The guy that sucker punched me a few weeks ago isnt so lucky.  Not only was he a pr*ck, but he was very careless with my life...not good qualities.  I dont like mean guys.   But, maybe he didnt want to be lucky.  Maybe he realized that we are not right for each other so he takes the cowardly and immature way out of a situation.  He can dump that crap all over his next victim.  His values and principles are very different than mine...based on his actions...if he even HAS principles.  On the surface we looked like we would be good together, but that was deceiving.  He may have liked me, wanted to have sex with me, curious about me...but he didnt want me bad enough otherwise he wouldnt have let me go.  Even if he were to contact me later on...I know that it is all part of his publicity stunt stuff...the antics he conjures up so that he remains in the spotlight in life.  So, not only is it not a stretch for the guy but it is all an act..so it wouldnt flatter me or touch my heart...it would offend me..

Have you ever tried taking someone back?  It usually doesnt work very well unless the reasons for the breakup were innocuous enough that just a mild adjustment was in order.  I cant change my heart once it loses love or interest or like.  I cant force myself to feel things I dont feel anymore.  I cant bring things back to good again.  I have tried.  I tried with my first exhusband and it just didnt work and I loved him very much.  I still loved him when I declined an invitation to work things out and stopped the divorce, but I could tell he came back to me out of loneliness and not love..

"My -current- trend is alot less patience with s***t.".

Many years ago I worked in an office and we all were discussing our trials and tribulations about family and friends.  And one of the guys there told me that he could never put up with what I had to with a particular friend.  I asked why and he said "you'll see.  As you get older your b.s. tolerance level goes waaaayyy down." And he is right. As we get older our ability to tolerate another person's b.s. is minute compared to how patient we were back in h.s. and even college. ..

Comment #29

 "As we get older our ability to tolerate another person's b.s. is minute compared to how patient we were back in h.s. and even college.".

Yikes, and I'm only 19! By the time I'm done with college, there will be no hope for men that come into my life LOL  I owe my point of view alot to my parents though. My dad instilled in me that I deserve the very very best (maybe daddy's princess syndrome) and my mom instilled not to take crap.  She is a very forceful person.  They are also very good judges of character and while I date using Match.com whomever I want, if my parents like my bf, it is usually a good sign that I'm with a good person. .

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Comment #30


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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