vs eHarmony

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My question is: vs eHarmony.

My 2nd question is: I'm attracted to this guy at work. We've chatted and I thought he was trying to get my attention, but when I mentioned going out he said he'd really like to but he'd been burned by a relationship (thru with someone at his last job. Was he just saying that so I wouldn't be disappointed (I'm disappointed anyway) or was he lying about wanting to go out with me and using that as an excuse so he wouldn't look like a jerk? It's so hard to meet quality people and I know work relationships can be tricky but isn't that where most people meet?..

Comments (21)

Thanks, Sandra - I don't want to look like a fool so I'll be careful next time he's around - maybe you're right that I am trying to feel bad since I'm not happy with the result - but what's confusing is that he still initiates conversations/flirty talk with me. In the past flirting has led to dating (online dating with so I thought it would be the case here, too. Maybe I feel bad b/c I think my radar is totally messed up. I guess just b/c he is interested in flirting doesn't mean he's actually interested. It wouldn't be a problem if that's how I felt, too, but b/c I am looking to date using it makes me feel bad...

Comment #1

Why did you ask him out? He's is supposed to ask you out.I see over and over in these posting women chasing after men. Let them do the chasing.When you ask somebody out, you have to be prepared to handle rejection. Men have to deal with it all the time.He probably likes the attention so he keeps flirting and talking to you.If I were you, I would cool it immediately. You can be pleasant but don't go out of your way. He might change his mind. I feel if somebody is really interested, they will take the leap even if a past office romance did not work out.Just my opinion. Good luck...

Comment #2

"Why did you ask him out? He's is supposed to ask you out.I see over and over in these posting women chasing after men. Let them do the chasing."Because it isn't the 1800's anymore. Sometimes I ask guys out. Sometimes they ask me out. I prefer, as a partner, someone who sees me as an equal, and if being asked out by a woman is that offensive to him then I don't want him anyway. I've talked to many of my male friends about this and none of them had a problem with being asked out by a woman.

No offense...

Comment #3

Age-of -aquarius:Re: my "sexist dating (online dating with strategy" comments.Just like you I am entitled to my opinion in this forum. It's not about me. girlwhopneedscoffee is confused and frustrated. May I make a suggestion-focus your energy into lending her a hand instead of jumping on me. No offense.Barbie, 2009...

Comment #4

You are entitled to your opinion and I am entitled to disagree with it. I only give advice if I feel it's something I can help with...

Comment #5

I once dated a guy who got a job where I worked, and when we broke up it got really nasty. So I wouldn't blame someone for not wanting to date using someone they worked with. You just have to take an attitude that it's his loss and move on. Some people meet through work but I don't think most people do. If you have a hard time meeting people it might be worth it to give online dating (online dating with a try. Joining clubs and volunteering might give you the opportunity to meet someone, but it seems like a long shot to me.

I think very often people meet through other people they know, so being social is a good idea. If you are invited out or to a party or wedding or anything like that, go. The more people you get acquainted with, the better your chances. And don't pay any attention to the advice not to ever ask a guy out. If you didn't then you'd still be sitting around wondering why he doesn't ask you out.

You are unlikely to change his mind, and you'd just frustrate yourself more by trying. His reasons don't really matter. Consider it a done deal and move on...

Comment #6

Age-of-aquariusYes, you are entitled to disagree but next time try doing it in a nicer way. Don't attack or offend.End of discussion...

Comment #7

Well thats a big NO he isnt going to go out with you. He learned a lesson at his last job about dating (online dating with people from work and it wasnt so grand I am sure when it ended. So he is saying not interested...

Comment #8

I ask guys out all the time...if I waited for them I would be waiting forever. So many times I have heard..glad you asked me I wouldnt have known what to say. Women have come a long way and women have also made it some what impossable for a guy to ask them out.  Guys have no idea what to do lately...

Comment #9

I agree,the guy has had a bad experience by dating (online dating with at work and it's bitter lesson for him.let it for girls asking out or guys asking out,i guess it depends on either persons personality.some girls are very shy while others are very outgoing ,same goes for guys...

Comment #10

I thought your post was pretty offensive. I responded in kind...

Comment #11

Regarding asking a guy out... I've had a lot of good luck from telling a guy I'm interested first. It's amazing how often it happens that a girl is attractive and a guy automatically assumes she's out of his league or isn't interest so he doesn't do anything. You don't even need to ask him out exactly, but if you show or tell him you like him, he may do it himself. I'm very straightforward and before my current boyfriend and I really started dating, I told him that I thought he was cute and he seemed like he'd be fun to hang out with. Turns out he felt the same and we've been together almost five years.

Here in the northeastern suburban US it's really common for women to be more assertive in showing our interest and men are not usually turned off to it. I think it eliminates a lot of unnecessary protocol and gets right to the point!..

Comment #12

I'm sure the OP appreciates this valuable insight. I know I do...

Comment #13

To undercovercrab:I recently came to this forum with a problem and you were the first to respond with excellent insight and advice. Thanks for the support once again.I agree with you 100% with respect to telling a guy you are interested first. You are quite correct in stating some men assume you are out of their league or not interested in them. The man in question in my post said to me several times after we got involved that initially he didn't think he had a chance with me. I made the first move-I asked him to go for a coffee. Now I wished I hadn't!- Tee Hee.

Later on he told her he never thought he would have a chance with someone like her. They have been happily married now for 10 years. So there you go!Having said that, in my humble opinion, the man needs to be doing the pursuing. It is a generalization and I know there are variables. I also know my post came across as NEVER but I didn't mean never.

There's a line there, when is it considered crossed? When you make the first move and he turns you down, do you try again? Not in my books but that is just me. Have a wonderful day...

Comment #14

I think you're right that men are natural pursuers and a woman who is too aggressive is likely to be a turnoff. At the very least she's losing her ability to gauge his interest by coming on too strongly and not allowing him to take the lead at all. I'd definitely agree that when a woman tells a man she's interested and he turns her down, that needs to be that - No second "chance". That said though, it's worked for me where I indicated my interest (I'm a strong woman and men like me for this trait), and the man returned the interest and started pursuing me. I just think that breaking the ice can go to either person as long as it happens!!..

Comment #15

Well said undercovercrab.. Keep up the good work. I am sure you have helped many people in this forum as you have me...

Comment #16

I must be the odd one out, I don't like dating (online dating with guys at work generally - too complicated if it doesn't work out. .

Just be sure he can trust you.  And follow my advice and look for guys out of the office as well imo...

Comment #17

I have to agree with Barbie that I would never ask a guy out.  Maybe give subtle hints or flirting... but if a man is interested in you.. nothing and I mean NOTHING will stop him from asking you out.  Doesn't matter how shy he is... if he is not asking you out it means he is just not interested. .

I have never had to ask a man out and I never will.  I will be their friend first, perhaps flirt a bit so he knows that if he asked me out I would say yes. .

I suggest you buy the Steve Harvey book...It will give you all sorts of valuable advise..

Good luck and leave the asking to the guys :-).


Comment #18

Thanks, age-of-aquarius - glad you understand where I was coming from - from my and my girl friends' experiences, guys usually like a girl who isn't sitting around waiting for them to make a move - some think it's really sexy b/c it shows you're not afraid to ask for what you want - obviously it doesn't make sense to just randomly ask a guy out but if you think there's a spark, why not? Anyway, I'm still disappointed but at least now when I see him my heart doesn't do a stupid hopeful little dance. I would get over it faster if he wasn't sending mixed messages - whatever.....

Comment #19

"some think it's really sexy b/c it shows you're not afraid to ask for what you want"That is exactly what my guy friends have told me too...

Comment #20

Hi I can understand how you feel because I went through that years ago with a boss I had. For years he kept sending messages and even flirted recklessly in front of others but the minute we were alone he turned into the boss/secretary "mode". I realized that he really liked me but didn't want to mess up in case it didn't work with us and we still had to work together. So I told him I was quitting and he finally made a move. So if you're really keen on this guy tell him  you're quitting and wait to see his reaction. You can always say that you changed your mind or that the new "job offer" wasn't so great after all. If this doesn't work then the guy is an idiot sending those mixed messages and probably a compulsive womanizer who needs to flirt with everyone to feel like a "man" - you're better off without him then! Good luck!..

Comment #21

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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