tips and tricks?

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My question is: tips and tricks?.

My 2nd question is:  .

I've seen a few posts here and on other boards lately where the poster felt that by asking her SO for what she wanted, it somehow meant less.  I don't know why so many women still believe that asking for what they want is not ok or makes it meaningless or what have you. Well yes I do, WE'RE TAUGHT IT..

This article is focusing on the business world but it's the same thing - if you asked for a raise and then got it, would the value of the raise be less?? HECK NO - it would be money in your pocket! The same is true for asking for what you need in your relationships.  People - women - spend far too much time hoping someone will give them more - all you ever have to do is ask.....


It was published in today's New York Times - enjoy..

Women, Repeat This: Dont Ask, Dont Get.


Published: April 6, 2008.

ABOUT 10 years ago, I heard that my boss was recommending two of my male colleagues for promotion. Both of these men had joined the faculty the same year I was hired, both were good teachers, and both had published important research. They were certainly qualified to move to the next level, from associate professor to full professor..

But so was I. I figured it was just a matter of time before my boss stopped by my office with the good news that he was promoting me, too. So I waited. And waited. As time passed, it became clear that I might be waiting a very long time.

Finally, I worked up the nerve to talk to him about it. I vividly remember his reaction. A big smile spread across his face. Well, lets promote you, too! he said.

When my two male colleagues had asked to be promoted, my boss, seeing that they met all the requirements, readily agreed. Since he was a busy man, he didnt stop to think about who else was ready for promotion. A question was posed, he answered it, and he went on to the next problem..

About three years later, I held my bosss job. While hiring two people with similar credentials, a woman and a man, I made each the same salary offer. The woman accepted the offer without negotiating. The man bargained hard, and I had to raise his offer by about 10 percent before he would agree to it..

In between these two events, I watched similar situations play out among my students and friends. Time and again, I saw women accept the status quo, take what they were offered and wait for someone else to decide what they deserved. Men asked for what they wanted and usually got what they asked for..

Prompted by these experiences, I started a research project with several colleagues to study how and when men and women initiate negotiations. In my book Women Dont Ask, I laid out overwhelming evidence that women are much less likely than men to use negotiation to promote their goals and wishes.

With my co-author, Sara Laschever, I also showed that this problem extends into most realms of a womans life, hampering her success not just at work but also at home and in her dealings with everyone else in her world: contractors, retailers, service providers, family members, even friends.

I also found strong evidence that this reluctance to promote their own interests is not an innate quality or a genetic blind spot in women. As a society, we teach little girls (and I have a little girl, so I see this all the time) that it's not nice or feminine or appropriate for them to focus on what they want and pursue their self-interest and we dont like it when they do..

The messages girls receive from parents and teachers, from books they read, from movies and television shows they watch, and from behavior of the adults around them can be so powerful that as women they may not even understand that their reluctance to ask for what they want is a learned behavior, and one that can be unlearned.

More recent research that I conducted with two colleagues, Hannah Bowles and Lei Lai, points to another reason that women dont ask: They face a much chillier reaction from men and from women when they do negotiate for what they want.

Behavior that can lead a man to be seen as ambitious or a go-getter can brand a woman as too pushy and aggressive. She may be called rude names, receive negative evaluations based solely on her personal style instead of her work and find herself closed out of networks or opportunities from which she might benefit. My boss was pleased that I asked him for what I wanted. A lot of women arent so lucky..

Ive concluded that this is a crucial leadership issue for any organization committed to sound management practices. When I realized that the woman Id hired would be earning less than the man for doing equivalent work, I called her back and raised her salary. I couldnt accept this disparity in my organization not just because it was unfair but because I knew that it was bad for my organization, where it is crucial to attract and keep the best people.

Managers often watch talented women walk out the door when they discover that theyve been treated inequitably. So good managers need to be on the lookout for these sorts of inequities and take steps to correct them.

THERES a lot that women can do, too. They can recognize more opportunities to negotiate and master basic negotiation skills. They can learn how to assess and strengthen their bargaining power; research, prepare and practice before their negotiations; and use strategies that wont make them seem threatening and provoke a backlash.

Ive also founded an organization, Progress (, to teach young girls to negotiate. In partnership with the Girl Scouts, weve already developed a negotiation badge that takes girls through a series of 10 activities to develop their negotiation skills. Weve created a video game that requires girls to negotiate in order to reach the highest levels and win.

We may not consciously realize that were tougher on assertive women than we are on men who behave in similar ways. But we need to be diligent on this score..

So the next time you react negatively to the behavior of a strong woman, stop yourself and say instead, Im glad shes going after what she wants.

Linda Babcock is James M. Walton professor of economics at the Heinz School at Carnegie Mellon University and the author, with Sara Laschever, of Ask for It (Bantam Books)..


Comments (4)

I get where you are coming from tonitoons - there is nothing wrong with asking for what you want and then getting it.  Yet, I also understand why women who are in a position to ask to be treated with respect get upset..

IMO, if you have to ask to be treated with respect...then you should not be dating (online dating with this man.  I think it has to do more with that..than anything else.  But, maybe I missed some posts where it is not about that at all.  Could you elaborate a little more about what you have been reading?.

If you have to ask a guy to talk to you more, spend more time with you...then the relationship (thru is no good and then all you do is pressure the guy instead of it being about "asking for what you want".  A guy who is into you wants to do all of those things.  That is why I handle things the way I do...I just kind of go with his flow and see what he is all about and what he really wants from me.  If I just take it all in...then I can decide if he is someone who fits into my life as a date, a BF or a casual thing.  I wouldnt dream of doing too much "I want this or that" very early on because then it interferes with my goal see him as he really is...

Comment #1

It may have been on Guy Talk or Ask Answer Man - but one poster was upset because she resent her SO for not showing her romantic gestures, yet it appeared from her post that when she said what she wanted he was willing to do them. She then commented that they didn't mean much or said he wasn't sincere because she had to ask.  WHAT??? .

Anyhoo - I saw a couple that were along the same lines - the woman was upset because her man couldn't read her mind and then she was mad because she had to then tell him what she wanted. She just wanted him to 'know what she needed" without asking. That is a no-win situation for both parties.

I got this article in reference to a work related query and it just fit - so I posted it - it all ties in together..


Comment #2

Totally agree with you, snafu.  there are some things that just come natural to a guy when he's into you already.  you wont have to ask him to whatever things... he just will...

Comment #3

You definitely cant read someone's mind.  How do you know if a guy likes massages (for instance) unless he tells you.  Likewise, how can a guy know that I like what I like unless I tell him sometimes.  People express love differently.  I agree with you - women do need to express what they like and if they see that the guy is not wanting to do that for them, then at least they know they didnt take the passive approach...

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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