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My first question is: Question.?.

My next question is:  .

I started dating (online dating with this guy (we are both in our 30's) a few weeks ago, so it's very early days.  before we met we chatted on the phone a few times, each time for at least a couple of hours and when we met the chemistry was unmissable.  since then we have met a couple more times and each time has been so much fun, with so much laughter and non stop chatter, plus we have agreed we can totally be ourselves around each other.   he calls me a few times a week, including first thing in the morning a couple of times, and we talk for hours still.   he has said some lovely things to me, told his mates about me and half way through each date using has suggested we meet again.  we kissed on the second date, more so on the third.. and, well... wow.  just amazing. .

He did ask me in on the third date, but I gently said not yet.. and he was fine about it and understood I want to get to know him a little more first. .

But I have a few concerns and any advice you can give me would be so welcome.  firstly, over the course of a month, we have only met up once a week, mid week.  I know he is busy, as am i, but should I be concerned about this?  he is going abroad for 2 months for work and travel next week, which is another reason not to sleep together at this stage, to both protect myself and to wait and see what happens when he gets back.  so I am wondering whether he too is taking it slowly, hence meeting once a week.  he did suggest that we keep in touch and meet when he gets back, which is great and fingers crossed, but meanwhile, if he really liked me, would he not want to meet over a weekend, or a few more times. basically, is a man really interested if he only wants to meet once a week?? everything else says he is but I dont know. all other guys i've dated have wanted to spend as much time as possible together, but then it's fizzled out fast too...

The day after the third date using he still seemed very keen, but then suddenly the day after that he seemed to cool off.. his emails were lacking the energy and fun of earlier ones and the usual compliments, keen comments etc non existant.  then a couple of texts a couple of days later, but no calls over the weekend.. or any previous weekends where he is busy with mates etc... but then he did ask to meet again, but this will be the last time we see each other, a week before he goes as he's going to be busy after that including the weekend too.  so yet another weekend goes by followed by 2 months, which he clearly doesnt mind... or does he!!!?? what are these mixed signals about.. from so enthused to so cool, all compliments and flirting stopped, and then he suggests we meet again...

I know I am being silly, but I dont want to have hope for something that is not there for him.  I dont want to confront him with this as it's too early on and I believe in giving men their space and not rush things forward.  would this guy ask me out again if he wasnt interested.  would he suggest keeping in contact if it meant nothing.  and if I dont sleep with him on the 4th date using before he goes away for 2 months, will he give up and move on, or respect me more and be more inclined to stay interested.  I just really like this guy and want to get it right.


Comments (8)

Your question was: Question.?.

Hi Cammy20,.


Welcome to the board!.

I think that it's just too soon to tell!!  I think as woman, some of us look too far ahead.  It's okay to go on some dates and to have no expectations..

If I were in your shoes, I'd chalk it up to the fact that he is leaving soon.  I wouldn't just sit around waiting for him.  He might be dating (online dating with around still, and you should be doing the same.  Until you have "the talk", there are no guarantees..

I hope this helps!! and don't worry.  I don't think you are being silly at all!!.



Comment #1

It sounds like he wanted to ratchet the physical intimacy level up a notch and you held off.  Maybe you both want different things.  Maybe he is looking for something more physical  and you are looking for something more emotional to start.  Since he wont be around much I am not sure he is worth your time and effort anyway.  I dont blame you for not wanting to sleep with him if he is not going to be available to get to know...especially since you are looking for a relationship (thru and not a fling..

Since you know you will not sleep with him on the 4th date using and he might not be keen on that idea...why NOT ask him about his mindset because you have nothing to lose by doing so and only something to gain which is knowledge..


Comment #2

I don't think this is 'mixed signals' as much as it is different dating (online dating with styles.  First of all, men are much more 'in the here and now' ... so, when he's with you ... he's enthusiastic and complimentary ... but, with emails ... well, you can never really take email 'tone' personally ... kwim?  .

Personally, sometimes I just bang out an email (because I'm in 'busy mode') without it being all warm and fuzzy ... but it has nothing to do with how I feel about the person on the receiving end of the email.  .

Anyway ... it sounds like your dating (online dating with style is much more about being 'prioritized' and well, his isn't.   dating (online dating with doesn't equal the prioritization of a relationship.  For many guys (and gals!), dating (online dating with once a week is fine. Particularly for a busy career guy (or woman).   I would think nothing of seeing a guy once a week ... in the initial dating (online dating with stage.  That would be prefectly fine with me..

Plus, think of it this way ... he KNOWS he's going away for 2 months (and so do you).  So, he's probably thinking "what's the point of getting in too deep with something/someone right now" ... since he's leaving next week!  All things, considering that he knew 3 weeks ago (when you started dating) that he'd be leaving next week ... I'm surprised he was dating (online dating with at all ... that close to leaving for 2 months. .

This is just a matter of timing, hon.  He's about to leave town for more than just a couple of days (I mean, 2 months is a good chunk of time) ... so, does it make SENSE to get into something now?  No, not at all.

Sounds to me like he was/is simply enjoying your company.  But, you're wanting a bit more ... without seeing that it's really not the right TIME for more.   I hope this helps you see it a bit better.  ..

Comment #3

Hi everyone... and many thanks for your kind messages... how lovely that you should take the time to write back with such obvious kindness and gentleness and so much wise advice... since I posted my last msge, I met up with this guy last night. once again it was a wonderful evening... no one has ever made me laugh or smile so much before.

And I finally agreed. we spent the night together.. but I told him first that I couldnt sleep with him as he was going away. he didnt flinch and so we just cuddled up, kissed and chatted, and it was truly wonderful to fall asleep and wake up in this mans arms... what was so lovely is that when we woke, he didnt behave offhand and it wasnt uncomfortable..

And I love that he didnt question my decision.. just accepted it and wanted me there anyway. despite his confidence and self assurance.. sometimes I see moments of insecurity in him. so today I sent him a very light hearted email just to say how much i'd enjoyed getting to know him, wished him a wonderful trip and said that it would be great to see him when he's back.

I figured that there is no point having a deeper chat with him at this point as anything could happen in 2 months.. and if he remembers our time as fun and light and happy, well then maybe he'll want to come back... he did call this evening and so my email didnt scare him or anything!! and now all I have to do is see what happens when he returns.. and try not go into freefall too many times... I guess if he meant nothing I wouldnt be feeling so much hey...


Edited 3/6/2008 3:39 pm ET by cammy20..

Comment #4

Hi Cammy,.

I'm so glad for you!!  It's impressive that you stuck to your guns and that he respected your decision.  Doesn't it feel great when stuff works out!!.





Comment #5

Hi kristie...i did feel good for a while.. but things have gone downhill so rapidly now and i'm left feeling horribly hurt and confused by the sudden change in him. I dont believe in love at first sight... I believe it happens for some people, but I know from past experience that for me it's just those initial first feelings of excitement which then either fade or become something more real. and i;m not someone who falls in love easily.. and in fact didnt until I was 30 when I fell deeply in love with a guy I dated for 4 years.

And this is a first for me. and this is why I am so overwhelmed with sadness at the way things have now gone and I know there are those who will say I shouldnt let someone effect me so much after knowing them for such a short time, but I dont think there is a time limit on these things.basically, for our first few weeks together, he said such lovely things and had such a wonderful energy and enthusiasm for us. he kept saying how much he was smiling.. how he couldnt stop talking about me.. how he found me beautiful etc...

But for the past week the compliments have stopped completely, the texts are fewer, the calls are shorter and in fact he hasn't called since friday evening when he just sounded a bit bored. when he had asked to meet me last wed, he said that after that he was busy, which, with is trip looming, I accepted. but turns out on the friday he was just out with his lodger who he sees every day and isnt even a mate, and a mate he sees all the time, and I felt that if he was that keen he might have wanted to meet then. I mean surely if someone is into you they want to see you as much as possible?? a friend suggested that perhaps he wasnt sure how I felt, so I sent him a very light hearted email to wish him a wonderful trip, said how much i'd enjoyed getting to know him and that it would be great to see him when he's back... so nothing heavy..

But he didnt respond except to say he'd been too busy at work to email back. and he hasn't called since friday and his few texts are just matey now. and it's so confusing as wed was so lovely.. although I noticed that unlike our dates before, he didnt once compliment me (and it's not that I need to be complimented, but this sudden change is confusing)... but on thurs morning he was as cuddly and sweet as the night before and didnt leap out of bed when the alarm went off but stayed as long as he could.

I just dont know what to think.....

Comment #6

Hi Cammy,.

Try not to think about this too much.  It messes with us when we do this.  Sometimes I think I'm way to good at this!!.

I really do think that you handled this so well!!  I can't say what he's thinking, but he is going away for two months and he was respectful of your wishes.  I think that says a lot about this man.  I think men can sometimes get really wrapped up in other things and they are not good at multitasking.

Hang in there and keep looking around.  You don't have any sepcific agreement at this point, so you definitely shouldn't wait around for him..




Comment #7

Thank you again kristie...your replies have continued to be so thoughtful and wise and have a very calming effect on me... you make total sense and yes, you are right, there is nothing I can do for the next couple of months except get on with life and try and let go of any expectations I may have for his return...thanks again hun... you're a star.....

Comment #8

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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