question for ladies only...?

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My first question is: question for ladies only...?.

My next question is: I have a bit of a relationship (thru problem happening and I need advice, please! .

My BF, Ron, and I were together for 1 1/2 yrs and I dumped him.  We had trust issues (he cheated) and he was very jealous and I could't deal with it anymore.  So after that I started dating (online dating with Jon, who is 19 years older than me, but who I was always attracted to (we work together).  He had recently divorced.  Well, I totally fell in love with him and his daughter but, after about three months, he broke up with me and said he just wasn't "feeling it."  I was DEVASTATED. .

Well, after that, Ron ended up continually trying to contact me.  I finally talked to him.  He had completely changed.  He said that I had always been right and it wasn't worth it not to trust me.  He said he'd been stupid and immature and the break up made him really realize how important I was.  Well, I finally decided to try again with him and everything went great!  We've been back together for a few months now.  He started talking about getting engaged and it felt totally right because I really did love him but could not deal with the trust issues.  He seems like a new person and is so sweet and caring and makes sure to always tell me how much I mean to him.

About a month ago I had a dream about Jon and after that started wondering about him.  I realized that I still felt "in love" with him but we hadn't spoken since that break up.  I figured he didn't care about me and just brushed it off.  Well, last week he emailed me at work, congratulating me on an award I won (We work in different areas at work so I never have to see him).  I wrote back and said thanks and added that I had wondered about him but hadn't wanted to bother him.  He responded that he was trying to give me space because he thought I hated him!  Well, I ended up telling him to call me because I decided that closure might be all I needed.

So, he called me and we talked about everything.  He explained that he had thought he was ready to date using but had realized he wasn't because he was so stressed and couldn't stop thinking about his ex wife no matter what he did.  He said I was great but no one would have worked out for him at that point.  He said he's finally feeling a little more progress.  Well, that helped me so much because I finally knew what had happened!  I told him that I'd been hurt and that I had been in love with him.  He said he had heard I was back with Ron.  I said yes, but that I still had feelings for him and Ron was like my "second choice" because if Jon hadn't broken up with me I would have stayed with him since I loved him.  I told Jon that I would have given him time and he should have talked to me about it.  He said he hadn't thought that would be acceptable to me......

So, now I'm totally torn!  I love Ron and he wants marriage and a family in the future.  So do I!  But now, after that phone conversation I can't stop thinking about Jon.  I want to see him but I know if I did I would cheat (he admitted he still likes me and is attracted to me).  My friend said that I should just break up with Ron and find someone new because of our rocky past.  She says guys DON't change (but we're both 26 so I don't really believe change isn't possible since we're young).  My other friend says to stay with Ron because he loves me so much.  I felt fine and settled with him until now.  Any advice will help, hopefully I explained this clearly enough. ..

Comments (4)

Your question was: question for ladies only...?.

I'd forget about both.  One's not over his ex.  The other cheated.  I would not go back out with a guy who cheated on me.  That's just asking for it.  Neither has been devoted to or focused on solely you.   Raise the bar, girl...

Comment #1

If you are able to be drawn away from Ron, then Ron is definitely not for you. .

Did Jon say anything about his feelings for you changing or that he realizes now that he does love you?  That isnt included in your post so I am wondering about that.  If you want Jon now that he is emotionally available to you and you are still in love then make sure that you are on the same page as him before proceeding...

Comment #2

Hmmm, I don't know if he loves me!  We have only talked on the phone twice, and once he was at work.  He said he would like to be friends right now.  I haven't really gotten to talk to him and today I suggested that we get together to talk in person and he never got back to me!  He sent me a text that said he'd call me later and it's already almost 9pm...  Oh well.  Maybe since he knows I'm dating (online dating with Ron...  He called me last night but I was busy.  It's so frustrating I hate this!  But you're probably right, if I keep fantasizing about another guy that's not a good sign about my relationship (thru with Ron!! ..

Comment #3

But you're probably right, if I keep fantasizing about another guy that's not a good sign about my relationship (thru with Ron!! .

It is not a good sign that you are fantasizing about being in love with someone else while you are in a relationship.  That is what you should be looking at more than anything else right now.  And, as far as Jon goes, he gave you an answer - he is only interested in being friends.  So, what is left to really talk about?  Are you hoping you can change his mind?  If that is what you are thinking then could be setting yourself up for a fall with this guy.  Why put yourself in that position? .

If I were you, I would take a break from both guys and find out what YOU want instead of pinning your hopes of happiness on a guy.  And, what you are doing to Ron is no better than what he did to you when he cheated.  You are in a sense, emotionally cheating on him by considering another guy.  Is that fair to him?   ..

Comment #4

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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