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Match.com paired me up with the cookie monster...?

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My first question is: Match.com paired me up with the cookie monster...?.

My next question is: If he was rejected by another girl?.

Question from a guy. If a guy asked you out but you knew he had been turned down by another girl, would that make him less desirable in your eyes? Would you turn him down if he flunked out with another girl, even if it's been a few days or even weeks?.

I know how gossipy women can be. I know a guy in school who for 3 years straight asked out every single girl in class and in his dorms. Now women won't even go near him because he has the reputation of the guy who tries (key word is TRIES, not succeeds) to hook up with everyone..

I once approached a girl and after a short convo, asked her out. She said "wait, you look familiar. Did you ask out my friend Samantha?" I said "What? Oh... yeah... Samatha... that was a long while ago," but she just laughed and said "it was only a month ago." I just said "Have a good day" and walked away..

So what's up and why?..

Comments (29)

Your question was: Match.com paired me up with the cookie monster...?.

Well I wish I could move on to a higher class of women, but I go to college so I really only have immature little girls to work with. I'm going to go with the "follow the leader" mentality..

I didn't even know or recognize that girl I asked out, but I had asked out her friend, Samantha, at a party several weeks before. I guess the more recent girl was close by or her friend told her about me..

Even earlier back, I knew this girl in my class for a while, so I asked her out but I got friend-zoned. And even a full year later, I met another girl who I also never knew or never met before, but she knew about me because I had asked out her friend a year before. She too turned me down..

So yeah it sucks, but unfortunately, as I said, immature little girls are all I have to work with around here...

Comment #1

Drive a little further out of town. You dont need to be around shallow girls. go find a woman. )..

Comment #2

>>I once approached a girl and after a short convo, asked her out. She said "wait, you look familiar. Did you ask out my friend Samantha?" I said "What? Oh... yeah... Samatha... that was a long while ago," but she just laughed and said "it was only a month ago." I just said "Have a good day" and walked away.<<.

The part in bold stands out for me. I'd never go out with a man who went out with one of my friends. Just the thought of it would creep me out. And yes, a month is a short time, at least for some people..

>>I know how gossipy women can be. I know a guy in school who for 3 years straight asked out every single girl in class and in his dorms. Now women won't even go near him because he has the reputation of the guy who tries (key word is TRIES, not succeeds) to hook up with everyone.<<.

I could see why women would be turned off of him. Why would I go out with a guy who was just asking me out for asking sake? It could only be for asking sake; he asked out everyone else..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #3

>>I didn't even know or recognize that girl I asked out, but I had asked out her friend, Samantha, at a party several weeks before. I guess the more recent girl was close by or her friend told her about me..

Even earlier back, I knew this girl in my class for a while, so I asked her out but I got friend-zoned. And even a full year later, I met another girl who I also never knew or never met before, but she knew about me because I had asked out her friend a year before. She too turned me down..

So yeah it sucks, but unfortunately, as I said, immature little girls are all I have to work with around here. <<.

They are immature because they turned you down? Playing musical girls isn't very mature either. What's wrong with taking your time and getting to know someone and getting to like her rather than just bouncing around to see who will date using Match.com you?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #4

But I never went out with Samantha; I asked her out but she rejected me. That's the point of this thread. That's why I'm asking."And yes, a month is a short time, at least for some people."....... o_OYou're kidding right?Are you a camel or something?..

Comment #5

"What's wrong with taking your time and getting to know someone and getting to like her rather than just bouncing around to see who will date using Match.com you?"Because that usually does not work. Most guys who try this get trapped in the friendzone. I've done this before and all I got was a lot of disappointment, heartbreak and bitter memories...

Comment #6

Well, I wouldn't date using Match.com a guy who asked out a friend either. Just a preference. Not an issue for me now, anyway..

>>You're kidding right?.

Are you a camel or something?<<.

Not sure what you mean by that. I'll bear in mind that you're in college..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #7

I mean are you able to go without a relationship (thru Match.com) or sex as long as a camel can go without water?..

Comment #8

You mentioned a month, not a decade. And yes, I can. If my SO and I broke up now I'd probably be single for another year. I was single for a year before him. I would NOT be jumping into some casual thing with someone new. But that's just me; I don't do casual flings..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

Okay, well I'm a dude. It doesn't work that way for us...

Comment #10

OK, another poster who speaks for all men...

Anyway, you posted a question and I answered, just like everyone else. You had to know that you might not like/agree with every answer you got. More proof that not all women - or men - are the same..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #11

I probably wouldn't go out with someone who asked out a good friend - because we are very different from each other. So a man who would be interested in her is NOT going to be interested in me in all likelihood. he is either indiscriminate or undecided about what he wants..

I have to wonder if you truly believe all the girls in your college are immature - why on earth do you want to go out with them?.

Toni..

Comment #12

No, that wouldn't turn me off to a guy...

Comment #13

Because I'm not as attracted to 30+ year olds as I am to girls my age...

Comment #14

"I probably wouldn't go out with someone who asked out a good friend - because we are very different from each other"What if he never knew either of you very well? What if the only interaction between the dude and your friend was a 2-3 minute conversation before he asked her out? Are you going to come to the conclusion that he found out ANYTHING about who she is a person and is thusly attracted to only that specific type of girl? I mean, I've known girls for MONTHS and still had trouble figuring who they were inside. When I approach a girl, all I have to go on at first are her looks and anything else going on around me...

Comment #15

It in the attitudes as much as the looks. I suppose this comes with maturity - you learn to discern the people you like and tend to gravitate to them without necessarily knowing a lot about them.  Also, looks plays a role here too - unless they are carbon copies - you will be more attracted to one than another..

I know I've vbeen out of the dating (online dating with Match.com) world for a while but do guys really ask a girl out in 3 or 4 minutes?.

Toni..

Comment #16

Well, I do. I'm talking about going up to girls who're total strangers. It's not like I'm asking her to be my committed girlfriend right off the bat. I don't full blown ask them out, but suggest casually meeting up sometime or asking to meet somewhere and going for their number, but it's amazing, and aggravating, how reluctant some girls are.

 .

It's not as frustrating as the whole "let's be friends and get to know eachother first" approach. I'd rather get shot down 3 minutes after meeting a girl than after 3 months of getting my hopes and my feelings inflated..

And I'm also amazed how word gets around that you asked out a specific girl. As I've said, I've met girls who were total strangers but they knew me because I had asked a friend or aquaintance of theirs out MONTHS before. Is this a small world or am I just more popular than I thought?.

 .

Edited 2/11/2009 7:38 pm ET by cp85..

Comment #17

<<It's not as frustrating as the whole "let's be friends and get to know eachother first" approach. I'd rather get shot down 3 minutes after meeting a girl than after 3 months of getting my hopes and my feelings inflated.>>.

How about something in the middle of this?  If a man approached me that I didn't know and said hello my name is John, will you go out with me? then I would likely say no - because I have NO idea of what kind of man he is.

You can't avoid the getting to know you process - and most women with any kind of sense of self will not just say yes to a date using Match.com with someone that just walked up to them.

Quite frankly, if you aren't willing to invest a little time in getting to know someone outside of what she looks like, then I have to question why you are even bothering?   you don't have to invest forever - but a girl will not feel comfortable with someone who just appears out of nowhere to ask her out - it's very clear that you aren't asking because you actually like HER teh person but rather what she looks like.

It seems you have much to learn about women and relating..

Toni..

Comment #18

Well that's the whole point of dating, right? To get to know someone? You say I shouldn't date using Match.com a girl until I get to know her, but how am I supposed to get to know her if I don't date using Match.com her? It's a vicious cycle!..

Comment #19

Maybe the girl felt like she was second choice - oh you really wanted my friend. But you'll settle for me..

If I liked a guy and he asked me out it wouldn't matter that other women had rejected him in the past. It's part of life.

,..

Comment #20

Ehm... I'll be straighforward: I've 'disqualified' you purely on the basis of this (rather sad desperate and pathetic) post alone. Sorry mate but you just sound plain SAD, with first trying it on with just about  any woman in your vicinity in the hope that someone will say yes and then moaning about it on a women's message board. Men that most women go for don't act this way, nope, uh uh, no way. Sorry. Get a set of b(*& would be my advice.

Sort out your hair/clothes/hygiene. Become someone girls (especially girls your age) WANT. Good luck to you...

Comment #21

It seems you are missing the point - yes dating (online dating with Match.com) is meant to get to know one another. But you have to establish SOME connection with a girl in order for her to say yes to a date using Match.com - unless of course she is desperate and would say yes to anyone who asked her. And you are coming across as someone who will ask anyone for a date. Same thing..

Just saying 'Hi will you go out with me?' is NOT working and you say, being the 'friend' is not working either. Well, then DO something DIFFERENT!  There is a lot of area in between 3 minutes and 3 months - like chatting with someone between classes, studying together, group settings - a little interaction with a girl before you ask her for a date.  She needs to have some reason to say yes if she has any quality about her and it's your responsibility to show her that you are fun and a good guy so she will say yes. She needs to have an idea of you as a person not just a guy in class. Otherwise, why should she say yes to a date using Match.com with you? What have you shown her about you that would get a positive answer?.

You are the one who limits your success - not the women you are asking.  Your attitudes and beliefs are.  No one succeeds in anything wiithout having a belief that they will and without a willingness to learn and adapt and change what isn't working.  YOU are the one who has to do what will increase your probability of success - and so far, you haven't done that.

Your methods are not working so if you want a different outcome - you have to try something different that is not an extreme.

Toni..

Comment #22

I agree with both your posts. Sums it up totally..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #23

"It seems you are missing the point - yes dating (online dating with Match.com) is meant to get to know one another. But you have to establish SOME connection with a girl in order for her to say yes to a date"So what connection could I possibly establish? Because if I see a girl sitting down at a cafe, or behind the counter at a pizza place, or studying in the student center, chances are that will be the first and last time I'll ever see her...

Comment #24

You can't be this dense about how to communicate and flirt with a girl, can you?.

Ok - this is it in a nutshell:  You see each other somewhere and do the smile, look away, smile stuff. You are attracted and either go to her to say hello, or the opportunity is made due to the circumstances. then someone says something that engages the other person -  not asking about obvious ordinary stuff - but flirting. When you flirt with a girl she will either flirt back or she won't. If she does, it's typically because she is intrigued or flattered. At any rate, during this exchange, there are any number of things that you can use as topics - like if she is in a class of yours - ask what she thinks about the professor or the class. Or if she is wearing a funky outfit and you think it's cool, tell her you appreciate her sense of style.  this exchange is what is missing from going "Hi will you go out with me?" to a total stranger.

I think you need to get some lessons in how to flirt effectively - this is just like in business - in order to be effective at what you do when interacting with others, you must first make a connection that says "I like you and am interested in learning about you" Your actions are not doing this.  If you need practice flirting - try doing it with little old ladies - they will flirt shamelessly with you. the point of flirting is to connect - so you can then start building a relationship.

If you google 'how to flirt" you will find all kinds of info on this topic. Its not that hard. And it is that effective.

When I met my SO - it was in the local park - he was practicing softball with his daughter, I was out for a walk. One of the balls was out inteh walk way so I picked it up and threw it back to him. that gave him the opportunity to engage me or just say Thanks and go about his business. He engaged me by saying "you have a good arm. did you ever play?" that opened a conversation and led to an invitaiton to join them in batting practice.  I spent about 20 minutes with him and he then asked could he call me. I told him yes and gave him my number.

That was over 3 years ago.

Do you get what I'm saying with this story? Women need to have a certain level of comfort and connection with a man otherwise there will be no date.  By asking me a question about something he observed about me inthat situation, he indicated that he was interested in at least being friendly. I took the opportunity because he was friendly (and darned cute too!) and because we interacted well, it led to him asking for my number.

So - it really doesn't matter if you think you will see her again or not - you never will unless you engage her enough to intrique, flatter or otherwise interest her in you. .

As I said - what you are doing is not working. So learn who to flirt. the best place to learn is from someone who has an easy time getting dates or communicating with women in general and is also a good guy. Look at some of the older men in your life who have nice partners and ask for their advice..

Successful people mimic the actions of other successful people. find someone that is truly successful at dating (online dating with Match.com) and watch him. It can be someone you know well or not at all. Just find a role model who does and has what you want. That is a good way to learn.  Based on your posts, I would say you've been learning the WRONG lessons...

Toni..

Comment #25

And I agree with your last post too..

I'm wondering if the OP wants to date using Match.com or if he just wants SEX. He seems absolutely unwilling to make any effort wrt dating to begin with..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #26

I've wondered thta too - but he won't be getting that either unless he changes his approach..

Toni..

Comment #27

Actually - I tend to agree with you.  If I meet a guy by chance sitting down at a cafe I would expect him to ask me out on a date using Match.com - not try to become friends with me.  That would have been perceived terribly back when I was in college. That is the dating (online dating with Match.com) ritual that everyone adhered to from my youth many moons ago...

Comment #28

If this girl felt that personally about it, ok. Move on..

,..

Comment #29


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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