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My first question is: Match.com membership?.

My next question is: Saturday night is usually my boyfriend and I's night out with our respective friends (or for me a night at work). There are very few times I ever ask him to do something on Saturday night unless it's important to me. This week I have to work a lot leaving me little or no time for him let alone my friends, which he was complaining about not being able to see me for over a week, I said really there is nothing I can do I need to work.Last week I invited him to come to a family BBQ with me on Saturday night because he had no plans and this would solve the problem of not seeing each other during that long stretch. (I know not one on one but still getting to spend time together.) His response was okay. (Now before everyone jumps down my throat that it's a family BBQ so he shouldn't want to or have to go.... he has gone before to stuff and gets along great with everyone....

It's not very often that I ask him to go to things like this.) Anyways when I asked him about it yesterday he said he hadn't decided yet but probably leaning towards not going. He gave no explanation as to why.... (and no I don't expect my bf to explain his every move to me but usually when you say no you explain why you can't make it to something.) But at the same time I don't want to be that girlfriend who needs to know everything (which I know people are going to say I am being that girlfriend which okay I guess I am). But here he was complaining that he won't get to see me because of my work schedule for over a week, now he has the opportunity to and he is not interested. If I knew he was going to some party, or sporting event or race or something with his buddies than fine I am okay with that but I am going to be pissed off if he opts to stay home to play video games with them.

I go to his family things when he asks.Do I ask him what he is doing? And if it is playing video games do I have the right to be upset? Do I tell him I am upset? But then I don't want him to go because I am bothered that he is not going. And yes obviously I see that he wouldn't be going because he wants to go otherwise he would have gone in the first place. It just bugs me......

Comments (7)

Your question was: Match.com membership?.

I can see why it would bug you; it would bug me too... but, with that said... let him do what he wants to do; don't make any more suggestions... see what he does... if he would rather sit at home and play video games; well, that would tell me a lot about what is important to him..

Sit back and let his actions tell you how into you he really is..

Let us know what he does ..

Comment #1

You don't say how long you've been dating (online dating with Match.com) but if it's not there from the beginning, or something happened to it along the way, neverthless there comes a time when, in my opinion, communication needs to open up and expectations and questions and frustrations all need to be dealt with, maturely, but head on.   Also, there's a lot to be said for teaching a man how to treat you.  I mean, suppose you tell him that you are disappointed that he first agreed and then back-tracked and has now left you in a muddle and he says back "too bad I think it's fine if I waffle on you."  Well, at least you know who you're dealing with and have the option to do something about it.  He also knows that you are disappointed and that you have expectations i.e., if he agrees to do something and changes his mind, he should let you know definitively and why.  See, suppose you do nothing and let him do whatever he wants.  Well, now you've taught him it's okay to be like that, which isn't that respectful of your time and schedule.  So next time he waffles and eventually bails, he's thinking "I did this to her last time and she didn't care so I'll do it again."  .

So I think you should talk to him openly just tell him you want to know these things.  You're not accusing or demanding, but you have expectations that if he agrees to do something he'll do it or let you know he can't and why.  Seems quite reasonable to me. .

Good luck!  .

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Comment #2

You have a right to be upset, and you have a right to know why he may not go.  He sounds very immature and selfish to me.  Like the other poster said, you will know what is more important, what he wants to do, or you.  You might want to rethink this relationship..

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THEIR HOUSE IS UNARMED.

Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #3

We have been together almost a year. And we plan on a future together and talk about it all the time. I guess I should clarify that his okay last week was more an okay being accepting the info but not committing to it. However before when he has replied like that then he goes so I am slightly taken a back by this situation. We are a couple my family knows us as that (not that we have lost our individuality with it) but there is a certain expectation now for him to attend. Now I have to go and make an excuse for him of why he's not there.

He has never done this before. And I do feel like I have the right to know what he is doing instead. When I invited him he had no plans for the weekend and now he does all of a sudden?..

Comment #4

Almost a year?  Then, yes, I really think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel and listen to what he has to say in response.  Tell him that you took his initial "okay" as a willingness to attend;  that everyone likes him and was looking forward to seeing him; that you want him to attend and will be disappointed if he doesn't go.  Even better, tell him exactly, precisely, what you wrote in your post because you are being reasonable.  He could respond in one of two ways, really.  He could say "I don't care I'm doing something else anyway" or he could say "I see it's important so I'll join you."  Either answer is an answer, at one year out, for better or worse, that you should hear.  I suppose the third thing he could do, which is to continue to waffle.  If he waffles, then make sure he is clear that this is important and that you are disappointed.  See, I guess I really just can't agree with trying to make him guess at what you want and then being angry if he guesses wrong or selfishly.  That kind of stuff festers and I know that I don't do well with festering.  Besides, it all gets too muddy for me; I mean you'll say "you should have gone" and he'll say "you didn't tell me" and then you'll wonder why you didn't say anything .. .

Nope, I think you should make your expectations clear, and it's healthier (for YOU) to have the confidence to tell him simply.  Then, reconsider the relationship (thru Match.com) only if he responds selfishly after you were clear. .

But .. here's to hoping that he steps up and joins you at the family BBQ : ). .

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Comment #5

Well we talked it out. He is going to go. I asked him last night what he was doing on Saturday. He said going with you. Which I said to him was not his first answer when I asked him. He said he realized that it was bothering me that he wasn't going and it was important to me.

I explained to him that it upset me that he needs to hold to this Saturday night is guys night all the time. That it tells me a lot, when I have to work our usual nights, and then some in this case, so that we aren't able to see each other and I get an opportunity at an evening off for us and he still wants to do guys night, even though there were no plans in place. I said I can understand if you already had plans for the night but when I asked last week there were no plans and now there are still no plans. He said I didn't make it seem important that he goes. I said to him as long as I am asking that means it's important.

And he has plans with the guys for the other nights...

Comment #6

Yes it really is about actions. That will determine what yours will be. If he can't make room for the things you want to do, well, that's valuable information.

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Comment #7


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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