Your question was: Match.com if I enter my e-mail address in an e-mail will it show up?.
I appreciate the need to vent sometimes - do it myself. However, making ALL men responsible for things that only a few did is not fair to men in general nor to yourself. It is also making ALL men responsible for your role and contributions in your interactions..
I will also suggest that you take a closer look at your own thoughts, beliefs and attitudes and how they have put you right where you are. If you truly believe there are 'no good guys' out there - then you will NEVER meet them because you don't believe they exist..
Hon, YOU are the common denominator in all of your interactions with men - you are attracting men who reflect teh state of your own belief system. Like attracts like. If you don't like this truth, then you need to change YOU first - tehn you will see your circumstances change.
I was in the same emotional place you are at 35-36 - and after yet another failed relationship, I had had enough of the same stuff - and it was MY stuff that was getting in my way. people find exactly what they look for - and in your case, you are looking for more 'no good men' so that is what you find "men who are no-good"..
Unless or until YOU take responsibility for your contributions to the quality of men you attract, it will not change. If you want a better quality of man, then you have to BE that kind of person first. Its not ALL men who have the problem. You are contributing with your negative beliefs about men and yourself.
I read a couple of great books about this very thing: One is "Fat, Broke and Lonely No More" by Victoria Moran. The other is "Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent" by Judy Ford. Both are fun and easy to read - and will give you lots of food for thought about your contributions to your state of discontent..
I know it is easier to blame men and everyone else than it is to look within and change ourselves. But in doing that, you guarantee yourself more of the same. If you want a better life and real love with a good man, then you HAVE to be in a place emotionally to 1)recognize a good man when you meet him 2) be open and receptive enough for him to approach and want to stick around and 3) be the kind of woman a good man wants to spend time with. .
Show anger, distrust and disrespect, you get it in return. Show love, acceptance and kindness and that is exactly what you get. it sounds like you are so angry and bitter at men in general. Little wonder good men stay away. Anger is ugly and teh most effective man repellant there is. Work on what you can control - YOURSELF - and the rest will falll into place. People are reflecting back what you show.
Thanks for the reply but it seems to me that you are saying this is all my fault. I have EVERY right to be mad at this guy. Before this happened I didn't come across in any way, shape or form that I don't trust men at all. I was attracted to him for many reasons..he was nice, cute, interesting, funny...etc. Yes, I have been hurt in the past and it is really hard to get out there and date using Match.com knowing it could happen again. Maybe I say I am through with all men now, but I know that isn't the case.
I am a kind and loving person. When I am out with a guy I never show that it may be hard for me to trust guys and that I have met alot of jerks. But this guy is just another addition to all the jerks I have met. And I am DONE..for now at least. I don't feel I need to do any soul searching or change myself.
Right now I am really angry and don't want to be around any males for a while. And yes, I do know not all men are the same. But you have to admit, the majority of men out there don't know how to treat women. Of course there are terrible women out there too. I just don't know who made up the idea that a man and a woman should be together.
This is such a waste of my precious time. Why in the world did he keep going out with me in the first place then if his heart is with his ex? He led me on big time and I do blame him and only him. Not all men.
You can't know after 4 dates if someone is a winner, you don't even know each other at that point. People are on their best behavior the first 4 months or so.If you are meeting guys that do the same thing over and over again, the common denominator is that is you. Maybe look inside yourself to see why you are attracting the same types over and over again.He didn't ask you to pay for dinner for his bday or anything else, YOU chose to do that, no he should not pay you back for that, that was all on you and it was your choice. A gift is usually given because you want to give one not that you expect anything in return.No it's not easy getting jealous over a guy we like, unless we are insecure with ourselves. Getting jealous over something like that has nothing to do with him, (you had only been on 4 dates) that jealousy is your issue not his. If you get jealous over something like that then you need to find out where that jealousy comes from and fix it.
Next time take things slower, and see where things go...
I think it's important to look at what is our responsibility in a relationship (thru Match.com) and what's not, and take responsibility for the things we should, but not for the things we shouldn't. The fact that this guy decided to go back to his ex-GF and end things by textnot your responsibility! .
What you could have done differently, however, is retain a healthy level of skepticism and a "time will tell" attitude for much longer than you did. 4 dates is nothing but a potentially good start. If I meet someone new who seems promising, I tell myself every day (100 times a day if necessary, LOL!) that "he *seems* great but time will tell" and I observe his behavior over time. I don't allow myself to get too invested too soonI'm *open* to it but I take everything that's said and done early on with a huge grain of salt..
In my experience, it takes a good 4-6 months of steady dating (online dating with Match.com) to even begin to have an idea of whether you're compatible with someone. So I do my best to keep an appropriate level of detachment during the early stages of dating. Not that you can't get burned later onbut doing this has helped me avoid some painful situations. I can't tell you how many times I've said to myself, at a month or two or three into things, thank GOODNESS I didn't let myself get too attached, he's not how I thought he was in the beginning at all..
Also, you made the choice to pay for his birthday dinner etc at a very early stage. I think that you assumed the risk by making that choice. I'm not saying he was right to let you do that, but again, it's a matter of taking responsibility for your choices but not for his..
What is this??? Both people that responded think it is ME and not him. That I need to change ME. Sassisizz I don't get this part of your post:.
"No it's not easy getting jealous over a guy we like, unless we are insecure with ourselves. Getting jealous over something like that has nothing to do with him, (you had only been on 4 dates) that jealousy is your issue not his. If you get jealous over something like that then you need to find out where that jealousy comes from and fix it. If someone had acted that way to me after only 4 dates I would think twice about asking that person out again.".
If I get jealous over something like thatover what??? Him talking to another girl? Yes, I have to say that I was getting a little jealous. I said in my first post that I probably shouldn't have gotten jealous. When he asked me if everything was ok, I said yes. Yes, he can talk to anyone he wants. And I admit I shouldn't have gotten jealous over that. But then you say Sassisizz that "if someone had acted that way to me after only 4 dates I would think twice about asking that person out again." I think I am getting this...you are on the side of him.
Well when he asked me if everything was ok, I said yes. How did he know I was jealous. For all he knew, I wasn't feeling good. If he really liked me as a person, and I thought he did, then he would have talked to me about it..
His reason for not seeing me anymore is because his heart is with his ex. If he is lying to me about that, so be it. I will never know. But if he really liked me like he said he did, he would have done things differently. He told me his ex is the jealous type and doesn't like that. So why is he going back with her then? Again, yeah, I may have acted a little jealous but I know he had fun with me and like me for me.
This is just his loss. I am a good hearted person and I don't need to change.
Thank you Sheri for your reply. I agree with everything you said. Yes, I didn't have to buy him dinner for his birthday or bake him a cake or buy him a present but I did. I think in the future I am going to have that mindset with men. I agree. 4 dates with a man isn't long enough to know if he is the one.
It just seems like the previous posters meant this was all my fault. I don't think I did anything wrong. He is the one that resorted to a text to tell me he doesn't want to date using Match.com me anymore. I am just really bitter now and I am sure it will wear off. I just need time alone.
Thanks for being a little softer with me Sheri. I will take your advice to heart.
Hey, it's a learning process! And I think all of us have things we can do to grow and change. If what the other posters said doesn't resonate at all with you, then take what you can from the posts and leave the rest. .
Thanks again. I know I am not always going to like what others say. That's life, right. I didn't know life would be this hard. Oh well, things will get better I hope soon. Take care.
No one is attacking you, you asked for opinions and that is what you get some you will like and some you won't, take what works and leave the rest. We have not stated it was your fault. You can't control what someone else does, only what you do.You stated that when you are upset you show your emotions....do you think he could have picked up on your jealousy even though you told him you were fine? I know I have picked up on stuff even though someone says nothing is wrong or everything is ok.Yes he had fun with you and he probably liked you or he wouldn't have asked you out 4 times, but he decided to get back with his ex-gf and that has nothing to do with you or anything you did, that was his choice and it probably wasn't planned on his part. My point is you have gotten so upset over something with someone that you only had 4 dates with, take things slow, watch, keep your guard up, get to know someone first, and realize that what someone else does is not a reflection on you or what you have or haven't done, they make their own choices. Accept that and continue on with your life, be good to yourself, and be happy with yourself. Good luck..
He's male. He didn't do things exactly your way. Of course that makes him a jerk. Pretty standard process for many women..
He didn't initiate a call to you to tell you of his life change because he wanted to avoid conflict. No doubt he understood that you were jealous which is an emotional response. Consider your emotions here in your rant against men. If he had called you, would he have been subjected to a similar emotional rant on him? That's what most men want to avoid, especially after only 4 dates..
Would the better choice have been for him to call you, tell you his update then take your rant? Of course it would have been. He simply did not want the emotional drama - that's all...
Actually no - I'm NOT saying it's ALL your fault any more than it's ALL anyone else's fault. It takes 2 people to have a conflict. I was speaking in more general terms about your conveyed perceptions on men and not just what this guy did or didn't do. You came across very angry and bitter. There is always room for improvement in how we relate to others, esp. when there is long term anger or bitterness in someone. If this doesn't fit you, then it doesn't.
I am in no way bashing you as a person. Please show me where I have. I do admit that my style is somewhat blunt and it 'can' appear harsher than it's intended. When people take offense at what I say, I do look at how I've phrased things and if I am wrong, I say so. I apologize if I have offended you - there was no such intention on my part. I have no reason at all to 'bash' you. Sometimes it's when something hits too close to home that we get angry or offended.
You can choose to discard it all because of the delivery, or you can consider that there 'might' be something you can do to improve the quality of your relationships by looking at your patterns.
Hon, people change when they get sick and tired of the state and quality of their circumstances - and onely then when they acknowledge what isn't working and why. If you are consistently getting the same things, then, yes, the logical step is to change yourself, but you first have to accept that yes, my choices, my attitudes, and my actions led me down this path. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for..
I appreciate your need to vent and I'm sure it did you a world of good. I know you are angry about how you were treated and there are definitely some things you can do in the future to make sure that you dont walk away feeling taken advantage of : 1) if you only know someone for 4 dates (a month?) dont get too extravagant with birthday gifts, 2) pay attention to when a man says that a woman's tank top mysteriously appeared on his bed and was the basis for his breakup with his ex. Clothing never just "appears" on someone's furniture...someone had to put it there...so maybe you unloaded a guy who was not going to treat you very well in the future anyway, 3) pay attention to a man who is talking about an EX on a date using Match.com with YOU..that is not a good sign. That guy usually needs someone to talk to...not a date, and 4) try to enjoy the initial dating (online dating with Match.com) phase (the honeymoon phase) without putting a lot of stock in whether or not he is someone for the long haul because usually most intelligent people are on their good behavior during that time..
There are so many men out there that think that a woman would be so "lucky" to have them because the pickings are slim that they slack on their manners and behavior and treat women disrespectfully - like they dont have to work so hard because there really isnt much competition. I havent met many men who fall into the earnest and decent category either...but they may be out there somewhere. And it doesnt matter what you project out there about yourself..the odds are in favor of meeting lots of guys who dont fit the bill than those who do just during the process of elimination in dating. Lots of people just date using Match.com in such a random knee-jerk kind of way that half the time they have no idea why they are dating (online dating with Match.com) the people that they are dating (online dating with Match.com) except for the fact that they met a person and they got a phone number and he or she said "yes" to a date...like they are going through the motions of dating (online dating with Match.com) because at least they are with a warm body...
Well I think that perhaps you need to reframe this experience.... You sound upset, but once you get over it you will be willing to give someone new a try... right? And maybe you didn't do anything wrong persay,...but possibly you could have saved yourself some disappointment if you had not gotten your hopes up?....i know easier said than done! Nothing sucks worse than going into something openminded and opimistic just to have it crash and burn...but not getting your hopes up isnt this negative out look and not being excited, it's taking the experience moment by moment..... live in the moment not past it... for instance, if I meet someone and it doesn't get past the first couple of months for any reason, I aknowledge my disappointment, I vent, but then I go "oh well I didn't really know him that well anyway, if this went on longer it could have been worse".... If I meet someone, and have a great connection , go out on one or two dates and they disappear, I may give 1 text or a call, and if I receive no response in a "timely manner", i get dissapointed, I vent, I DO NOT call...and I say to myself "i dunno what happened, I can't change the other person's reason or logic, but least I got a free meal LOL, then I move on.....
Besides perhaps theres a 50/50 chance he did rekindle things with his ex, and since he was just getting to know you he decided to end things? Granted the text wasn't the best but it is the way to avoid conflict which most guys perfer, even if they have no way to determine how you will react....but one good thing at least you didn't respond! You just left things alone and didn't pursue an answer which is good!.
All in all I think any dating (online dating with Match.com) experience good or bad , you should look at it objectively and decide what things could you do diffrent and what things were out of your control, then it's easier to move past it...trust me, sometimes things just happen, and the way you choose to let it affect you is how much of an impact it can have in your life...like instead of a big jerk he can become "oh well it just wasn't in the cards"...and it takes time to get to that place, but when these bad relationships happen it's helpful to process the anger but then look for the lesson! What can you take from it?.
I think the posters who disscussed looking at what you do to attract these guys were coming from a place of "how aware are you"....Aware of your actions, aware of your feelings, and the most important "Aware of your expectations"?, I don't think anyone ment to imply you attract bad guys because you are bad or something, or giving off a homing signal only scum can hear LOL Sometimes when we are feeling a need for something, like a significant other, we let whatever we are presented with that looks good feel the need with out , determining if they are capable or even should be filling it ...by being aware we spend more time gathering information, avoiding become overly emotionally attached, and having fun with out expectations...that way you bounce back better and you maintain confidence! These attributes are healthy and key to "needing" what you have to have to attract and keep a good guy...and if they are damaged or all used up you won't have that great stuff left for the right one.
Example...when I am in a great mood and feeling good i'm open and free!!! and if i'm out with friends having fun, i'm bound to meet someone, but that doesn't mean if we hit it off or go out a few times hes the one...in fact I may get head over heels, and he may just turn out to be a dissappointment....i can get mad but in order to attract a good one later on, i have to get better, and get over it, even if that means not dating (online dating with Match.com) so that I can regain that energy level for the right guy...When we ladies don't do this, and stay angry or bitter and are unaware of our emotions, the men we meet may have good or bad potiental and our outlook and disposition causes us to miss it!...i have actually had this happen twice in my life where I was so busy getting over some other guy that I wasn't aware of my actions and ended up meeting someone terrific and I was so down in the dumps I didn't realize it until after they were gone.... Or meeting someone who had red flags waving like crazy and not noticing....thats when I realized hey I figured out what i'm doing wrong ! I put all my eggs in one basket and when it crashes I didn't take time to heal so when someone decent came by I missed out... or wasted it all again on someone not worth it by not taking my time.....So figuring out what you do to attract these guys is really "understanding and being aware of your behaviors, and how much of yourself you give away"...... IMO.
That way you will be willing to try in the future but also won't throw the baby out with the bath water if it doesn't work out...good luck!.
I think the point most people are trying to make is that when you keep attracting men with the same issues, quite often the first place to look is within ourselves to find out WHY we keep attracting that. It's not saying that you're a horrible, awful, evil person but usually there is some thing that you (universal you, not you in particular) are putting out there that attracts these guys. Maybe it's that you're (again, universal you, not you specifically) too willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's that you don't read red flags that maybe would let you know that these guys are losers, or maybe you put out a desperate or insecure vibe. So look at what YOU (this IS the specific you) might be doing that attracts these jerks an losers..
As for this guy - yes, you have a right to be mad at him for being a total chicken and ending things by text. IMO, that is pretty low. BUT that said, you are letting this guy you went out with 4 times have too much power over you. Yes, you liked him. Yes, what he did was completely cowardly and immature and rude. BUT you'd been on 4 dates with him. You hardly knew him. He seemed like a good guy, but he did this which indicates to the contrary. Consider yourself lucky you found out he's like this. He could have had the decency to at least call, but he didn't. He may or may not be getting back with the ex. But what IS the case is he broke things off with you..
Also, you did not have a right to be jealous when he was talking to another woman who was his FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND!! Why would you feel threatened by another woman who is in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone else talking to this guy? That is what seems to ooze insecurity on your part. Yes, it's natural to feel a little jealous when a woman talks to a guy you like, but you have to put it all in perspective - she has a boyfriend who is this guy's friend. They have every right to talk and jealousy from you in that situation is not stemming from your like of this guy, it's probably stemming from your insecurity with him. As for him asking whether or not you were OK, I'm sure he sensed that you were ticked off. You don't just ask someone totally out of the blue if they're OK unless you sense something is NOT OK. When he sensed things were NOT OK with you after he talked to his friend's g/f, maybe that made him go "hmmmm" and he said, "wow, my ex was super jealous too and now hre is greta2863 getting jealous over me talking to my buddy's g/f! Yikes!! I don't know if I can handle that again!!" He said he doesn't like the jealous type. He could tell you were jealous and maybe he decided not to pursue things while it was easy to break it off..
As you said, you will probaby never know if he was lying about the ex. He might have been - the "I've decided to try things with my ex again" is a CLASSIC blow off move by non-confrontational people who don't want to tell the truth. Somewhere deep down, it might be true but whether they are or not, they can usually count on you never finding out. But that excuse is almost as common as the "Oh gosh, I'm just not ready for a relationship (thru Match.com) right now". Regardless, he gave you the chicken brush off in a chicken way! Let your anger go and move on. It's tough when you keep meeting jerks but focus on you and making yourself happy and have fun and when you are putting out positive energy, you will be better able to attract a guy who is worth it..
You are wise to see that a person could allow someone who she has dated 4 times to have too much power over her emotions. My guess is that she just needed to blow some steam and when we do that we never present a good or accurate image of ourselves...but sometimes you just need to blow the steam..
I just wanted to comment on this observation of yours as well:.
"Also, you did not have a right to be jealous when he was talking to another woman who was his FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND!! Why would you feel threatened by another woman who is in a relationship (thru Match.com) with someone else talking to this guy? That is what seems to ooze insecurity on your part. Yes, it's natural to feel a little jealous when a woman talks to a guy you like, but you have to put it all in perspective - she has a boyfriend who is this guy's friend. They have every right to talk and jealousy from you in that situation is not stemming from your like of this guy, it's probably stemming from your insecurity with him.".
I agree that on first sight this woman was really no threat to greta, however, the problem was HIM not the woman. What men do sometimes, and I'm not sure whether this guy did this...but based on greta's reaction...my first thought was something along the lines of - he is taking care of this woman's emotions instead of greta's. You see, in greta's earlier post she states that the boyfriend was ignoring his girlfriend so this guy (greta's ex) was talking to her for a while. He could have done it with the intention of feeling sorry for the woman, but if a man does this...he needs to include his GF otherwise it will be seen as something different. In theses scenarios the woman does tend to then bond to the nice man who sees she is lonely and hurt. And then what usually happens is that the two feed off of each other while leaving greta out of the picture. So her instincts may be on target here...that something wasnt quite right...but maybe she didnt communicate it very well. In reality the girlfriend who was ignored should have taken care of herself and mingled with everyone else so that she could have a good time even if her BF ignored her...it wasnt' greta's ex's responsibility to make sure she had a good time. I know this may sound a little cockeyed to you, but if you have ever witnessed this happening you'll understand the scenario I depicted...
As usual, a man is guilty until proven innocent based solely on a woman's imagination and fabricated assumptions. It really is amazing what a woman will do to justify a man being wrong. I guess the simple fact that Greta was also involved in the conversation is completely meaningless compared to this imaginary situation that makes him wrong..
Are we supposed to simply shut up and not say a single word to any other woman without your permission?.
I don't trust the instincts of an insecure woman as they are most often based on imagination NOT actual fact...
I didnt say the guy actually did this, but I have seen this happen to couples and it really does happen. I have been a "third wheel" on occasion at outtings and I usually make it a point to not get too chatty with someone else's guy without the woman being there because if a guy starts to pay too much attention to me I can feel a shift in the climate of the room and it has nothing to do with insecurity...it has to do with respect of someone else's SO, namely the woman. But you are a guy and you probably dont even see it that way ( or would ever have to see it that way since we are very different creatures), but in the world of women...there is such a thing as maintaining some distance so that his SO doesnt feel disrepected. The woman who was chatting it up with greta's ex should have engaged herself more with greta instead of the man...and that is the wonderful world of female laws, like it or leave it...
Thanks everyone for your opinions on this situation. I want you all to know that I don't think "all" guys are bad. I know there are good ones out there. I just thought for sure this one was a good one. I was so wrong. I know we only went out 4 times and that is not long enough to really know a person. But what I do know is I liked him and still do to a point.
Like "what did I do wrong?" But I have to understand that he did go back with his ex and accept it. Of course he could have been lying and never really went back with his ex. I don't know. I guess I could ask so many questions, but what is the use anymore. I am sick and tired of letting a guy ruin my precious days on this earth.
It is just so hard to trust anyone anymore. But I know things will get better..
Good luck greta. We all go through it - dusting off and getting back on the horse. Yes, the guy was honest with you but it doesnt make it hurt any less. I think what men and women do is start dating after a break up to help them "get over" the SO, which is selfish because now they have ensnared another person's heart into the breakup when it was nice and neat with just the two. .
Dont be surprised if one day he does call you back if things dont go well with the GF. When men make sure to be honest with a woman...it is a way of leaving the door open. ..
You don't know how many times I looked at my cell phone thinking he would just text me again and say he misses me. But then another part of me feels like I really don't ever want to hear from him again because I am really mad at him. And then another part of me wants to text him back telling him what I think of him. But of course I won't do that, because I am not stooping to his level. I am just going to live my life and let the chips fall where they may. I know he isn't the only guy out there.
I just need to get busy and get my mind off of him. It would have been harder if we were in a serious relationship. I remember when I was in a serious relationship (thru Match.com) and my ex broke up with me (we dated for 2 years.) He was even worse than this guy. He just stopped talking to me all together. To this day, I have no clue what happened.
Now how could someone that you dated for 2 years do that to you. Just ignore you. I finally called him at work and asked him what was going on. I felt I needed an explanation since we were exclusively dating (online dating with Match.com) for 2 years. He just shrugged it off and never gave me a straightforward answer.
At least this guy texted me, but he could have called me and been a man about it. Oh well. On to bigger and better things.
Thanks again and take care,.
Reading your post really made me think of myself and I am sorry you are/were going throiugh this. I am in the same boat as you were. My "boyfriend" and I have only been together for about a month. I fell for him instantly and we totally hit it off. Everything was perfect and I mean great. Then all of a sudden he quit calling me.
He called one night apologizing saying he was super busy and had no time to call. I forgave him and all was well. We talked the rest of the night for about 2 hours like we always did. I haven't heard from him since and this was 2 days ago. So I am not sure what to think.
I really feel for you and what you said. I seem to fall for all the wrong guys as well. As soon as they sweep us off our feet...they're gone. I hope you are doing better since you posted this blog. Men will come and go...but eventually we will find the right one!..
I dont blame you for being hurt about your BF (the 2 year guy) not even having the courtesy to talk to you about a breakup. it probably made you wonder what you saw in him to date using Match.com him for 2 years. This more recent guy may have reignited those hurt feelings by also handling things in a way you finding disheartening. He probably texted you because he didnt want to get into a discussion about it, he just wanted to end it. Also, many men prefer to date using Match.com by text...not even speak to their dates on the phone. I'm sure those guys break up the same way too...as a society we have hit a low point in dating (online dating with Match.com) culture. I know that some people say to see the other side of things like "at least he did communicate with me in some way." But I dont agree with that approach because after a while you start to expect less than you deserve. ..