I was emailed by one man but I think he's a better match for my sister?

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My first question is: I was emailed by one man but I think he's a better match for my sister?.

My next question is: If you've dated someone for a while that you met online, when should the two of you either discuss becoming exclusive....or how do you bring it up? I've been dating (online dating with this wonderful man for 6 weeks. We've been to each other's apartments, spent breakfasts, lunches, dinners, red box/netflix and football nights together, etc. at least once a week for at least the last 6 weeks. Is it too early to decide to be exclusive? As far as I know, and he's told me as much, I am the only one he is seeing at this moment. I trust him and I don't believe that he is still checking his personals ad, though he still has it up; it shows he hasn't been active in 2 weeks. Also, I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and I told him.

He's also mentioned marriage as well on several occasions. He also has a daughter (she's 6) that I have not met as of this date. When is a good time to meet his daughter? Should that be something I bring up before or after the exclusivity question? What happens if his daughter and I don't get along? Also, how long before we "meet the parents"?.

So many questions, I know. It's been about 5 years since I've dated a man with a child. I know most of the signs are there that he's firmly interested in me, but I don't want to jump the gun and open mouth and insert my foot and be single again. I enjoy all the time we get to spend together and I enjoy being with and around him.

Am I just being paranoid because I've been hurt before or do I just need to relax, let go and let God? Any advice would be wonderful!..

Comments (8)

Your question was: I was emailed by one man but I think he's a better match for my sister?.

It's exclusive when you discuss it and both expressly agree that it's exclusive..

My personal preference is not to sleep with someone unless we've talked about it and agreed to be exclusive and I generally prefer to date using someone for at least 6-8 weeks and get to know him a bit before deciding whether I want to be exclusive or not.  So around this time is when I'd be thinking about bringing it up if the guy doesn't do so first (and I definitely bring it up if he hasn't before we have sex)..

What do you mean, he's mentioned marriage?  As in, he'd like to get married again someday (general vs specific)?  Someone talking about marrying ME only 6 weeks after meeting would probably send me running in the opposite directionit would definitely be a red flag that he has an unrealistic, fantasy view of relationships, IMO..

I don't have kids but I've dated a number of single fathers and I am of the view that you don't meet the kids until you're pretty sure it's heading towards something seriousI'd say at least a good 6 months or more into the relationship.  Kids get attached and it's bad parenting, IMO, to allow people to go in and out of a child's life..

So no, I definitely would not bring up meeting his child before exclusivity.  I don't really think whether you and she "get along" is as important as whether he's a good parent and that's something you'll discover later onfor now, you should be focusing on getting to know him better.  It takes a good 4-6 months of dating (online dating with before you even really start to see the "real" person, I've found..

Meeting the parents isn't as delicate as meeting his child, IMO, since they are adults and don't have the attachment issue.  I don't think there's any rule as to when that should happenit depends on so many factors..


Comment #1

As far as timing is really an individual kind of thing...something that is unique to each different relationship.  So if it feels right to go in that direction now...then that is what you do. .

You can bring up the subject based on his statement to you about not dating (online dating with other people.  You can add to that statement by saying that you are not dating (online dating with anyone else either and you like it that way and was wondering if that is what he wanted for the future too.  But exclusivity should never be assumed in this day and age - you need to verbally agree to it..

I dont have kids, but if I did I wouldnt introduce my kids to any guy until I saw there was a long term commitment between me and the guy.  The last thing a kid needs is a revolving door of people in his or her life..

Sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis.  Did you get a second opinion?  With the gross number of physician errors these  days it is wise to get a second opinion before starting treatment.  .

 By reassuring you that he is still there for you during this bad time it shows he is interested in you as a person and is interested in having  a REAL relationship (thru with you.  I have been going through a hellish time in my life and unfortunately the guy that I was interested in demonstrated his lack of interest in me as a person by not being there for me during my bad time.  The last thing you want is someone who only wants to be there for the good times...when it is easy to SAY "I'm here for you."   I knew that if he didnt demonstrate any kind of support or kindness or even want to give me hope  during this time I was not going to take anything he said seriously later on.  I know myself pretty well.  So you are very lucky to have this support..

I have never dated a man who had kids and I ended up meeting the kids.  So I dont know what to tell you about the "what ifs" regarding a relationship (thru with his child.  The only thing I do know is that the child will always come first to him so if you want a cohesive relationship (thru with him you will have to make his child a priority for the two of you...together.  If that is something you can do...

Comment #2

Hi there :-).

First of all, I am very sorry to hear about your cancer. It sounds as though your new man is the supportive type, though, this is a very good trait in a potential boyfriend (and who know what else later)..

Exclusivity by default is not the same thing as exclusivity by choice. I have seen feelings get hurt by both men and women on account of this difference. I tend to see the "exclusivity talk" as the one of the most important moments of a relationship. This is moment when you choose to give each other (and your new bond) a chance at possibly becoming permanent by concentrating on each other. Personally, I think of it as practical AND romantic when approached in this way.

After you become exclusive (not necessarily immediately after), then I think it would be time for you and he to talk about meeting his daughter and any other family members. These things tend to run their course naturally. If an extended period of time passes (months, let's say) after you've become exclusive and he's still not comfortable with you meeting people close to him, then it's a problem..

A word of advice about meeting his daughter, as time goes on I would pay special attention to getting to know the girl and bonding with her. Find out what her interests are and make an effort to build a relationship (thru with her separate from the one you have with her father. If you two do wind up getting married one day, this will be very important in the family transition...probably easier if the bond is built over time and from the first day you meet one another. Trust has to be built, but I'm sure with proper care and feeding you and the girl can get along well at least. Remarriage can be a tough adjustment for a kid, so if there are bumps it will probably have more to do with that than you, I'm sure. It's natural to be apprehensive about meeting his child..

Keep us posted!  (((HUGS))).



Comment #3

On our 7th date using I had sex with my boyfriend. He said he wasn't dating (online dating with anyone else, but I never had a talk with him specifically telling him I wanted to be mutually exclusive. All I said was I didn't want to be a 'fling'. Not very specific I know. And he gave the politician answer 'only time will tell' which was even less specific.Ten days later I found out he had a profile on I paid the $40 to make a fake profile to see if he would fall for the bait (I know, very deceiptful).

Him thinking that we weren't exclusive makes me feel like he thinks that I'm a slut, and that he thinks of me as nothing but a lay.  By the way, as a result of this, we had the 'talk', and are mutually exclusive for 5 months. It is just this topic came to surface again, when my little sister's boyfriend basically did the same thing to her..


I agree that in these times (I'm in my 40's and thinking back on it, I don't think I have ever had to have this talk in the past) you have to discuss it BEFORE you take your clothes off.  .


Also, good luck with the cancer treatments.  Lymphoma; 2 1/2 years in remission for me.  On the positive side, not having hair distracts from your eye's crowsfeet.  Everyone thinks you are years younger (at least that was my theory)..

Comment #4

Thank you all for the wonderful and timely advice. I am going to remain patient and wait and see what clues he gives out. If talk of the future comes up, then I will ask him about being exclusive and when does he plan to remove his personals ad. I am wondering if he's just waiting for the subscription to expire? Anyway, I am not going to drive him off or drive him crazy just because I am a bit insecure, eager and nervous.

Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas to you and yours!.


Comment #5

I would say take a chill pill on the meeting the parents and other "next step" stuff. PLAY IT the book "why men love bitches" seriously I think it holds truth to a lot of mistakes us girls make..

"Love can move Mountains".


Comment #6

I agree. It's best to take your time to get to know each other before really stepping up the involvement, especially if there are kids in the picture.  And yes no need to meet the kids until it's a meaningful relationship (thru for you and him.


Comment #7

I am here to update everyone on how it's going. We are only seeing each other, we talked about it a week or so ago, and are only dating (online dating with each other at this time. I had a wonderful weekend with him. I had to have two surgeries in regards to my breast cancer and he took me to the hospital and took care of me after the two surgeries. He's definitely a keeper and a man of his word. My sentinel lymph node biopsy (surgical checking of the lymph nodes to make sure the cancer has/hasn't spread) came out negative.

I will still have to have chemo and radiation but no lymph nodes have to be removed.

Happy New Year!..

Comment #8

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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