- How do you know if the other person is a full member?

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My first question is: - How do you know if the other person is a full member?.

My next question is: That's my question do I call or not call?  I was seeing a guy pretty steadily awhile back.  But things eased up, mostly because he manuevered us into being just friends.  So we still talk and e-mail and we are great friends.  The problem is that stopping the sex wasn't enough.  In fact, the friendship seems to have deepened and strengthened my feelings.  But he, well, he likes me well enough.  So I know this and mostly leave him alone, once in awhile I'll grab him for dinner, but otherwise I just go about my business.  Love is not always reciprocated, right?  But I'm in a terrible place here..

Because he called me earlier in the week and he asked: "what are you doing this weekend?"  I was excited and enthusiastic, we haven't been out on the weekend in weeks, and I say "Oh, let's meet on Saturday night, I can cook, and there's this movie, and so forth & so on."  Big smiles.  He says:  "Slow down, let's see what comes up."  So on Friday I call and I ask him, "Are we meeting on Saturday?"  He says "It depends.  I need to see if I get all my work done today, let's talk later today."  I'm thinking, I'm sorry, but a busy work schedule is a flimsy excuse for not going out on Saturday night.  No, it's worse than a flimsy excuse, it's patently obvious that he's waffling.  So Friday night comes & goes and Saturday morning is fading away and he hasn't called.  I have no idea if we have a date using tonight or not.    .

Do I call him?  Should I tell him how I feel?..

Comments (18)

Your question was: - How do you know if the other person is a full member?.

I absolutely would not call.  You already called him yesterday.  If wanted to go out with you, he wouldve called you.  And tell him how you feel?  I mean, what's the point.   He's basically blowing you off, you think he's going to care how you feel?  You already said yourself that he's waffling and you think work is a poor excuse.  This is a case of where the signs are right in your face, and not only that, you see them and are calling them out yourself, and yet you still want to call him.  He's a jerk, let him go...

Comment #1

He's not nearly as interested as you are. Do not, under any circumstances, call.You should never call a man twice in a row when you're still trying to gauge his interest, as a general rule. He needs to spend time pursuing you too.I think you should not too much stock in this particular guy wanting to get back together...

Comment #2

Thanks to both of you.  I followed your advice, and put my cell phone away.  .

He should never have asked if he wasn't interested and even cancelling would have been better than just leaving me hanging.  If he calls one day again (which he will) I'm going to end the "friendship" altogether.  I guess people can be friends or they can be a couple but they can't be a mixed, one wanting something different than the other, or feelings get hurt.  Sorry.venting now, I'm moved from sad to angry when I put the cell phone away.  But I thank you for your right advice. ..

Comment #3

You are friends and nothing more - he told you the chances of getting together were chancey...treat him as though you would a girl friend who told you the same thing and didnt make it..

Comment #4

Well, but if it were a girl friend I would have just called her.  Although you're right attitude-wise, with a girl friend I wouldn't have spent much time fretting, I would have said, okay, I understand, just let me know...

Comment #5

Oh dear, I had this same situation over the summer. Greatness dissolved into yuckiness. The last couple of times I sent a message like "wanna get together...blah, blah" (we both have kids so there was the coordinating factor) he would send messages back like, "might be too tired on Saturday..." For goodness sake, he worked in his own home! It's a blow off, but for some reason, some guys won't just come out and say something or even ignore you...they just keep responding, so you grab on to it thinking you must mean something or he wouldn't respond, right? Wrong. Some guys like to string girls along, just in case.....

Comment #6

Omg, ITA. your soooooooooo right.  thanx for posting this...

Comment #7

It sounds like you shouldn't call or see this guy.  Every time you have contact it opens a wound and a wish. And in this case with him literally leaving you hanging don't wait around. Please make other plans..


Comment #8

In a word... Call! It's hard to resolve, complete, or arrange anything without communication. I realize there's a kind of gamesmanship to not calling, to appear not to be overly interested, etc., but in this instance, just CALL...

Comment #9

No, do not call him.  And as a suggestion, do one of two things when he does call next time to go out:.

1.  Tell him that you made plans already; or.

2. that you care more about him and by going out with him would make it awkward for you since the feeling isn't reciprocated and that you care more about your emotional health.


He will respect think you have a life and have stuff going on and / or develop great respect for you for setting boundaries and being clear about it.

Goodl luck....L..

Comment #10

I agree. You want to be treated with respect, courtesy, care.  There are plenty of other people out there. When something isn't giving you what you want and need, let it go.


Comment #11

I have to agree.  It's not that he always has to always be the pursuer but especially in the early stages you want him to feel like he has to do some work here and to wonder if he's in the game.  Wait for him to contact you.


Comment #12

I saw this thread was still active, so I figure I'd post an up-date. .

He actually did call, and he did come over, and I made dinner and then we snuggled in front of the TV.  He came over the following Saturday as well; we went to a black tie fundraiser, and he introduced me as his date.  But he was still distancing himself physically, and I pretty much guessed that we were still in a quasi-friend zone.  And so then last week he told me that he had a GF, a woman he had met on the internet.  .

So I saw this thread was still active and I wanted to tell you, Eggsbertshootsfire, your advice was right on the money.  This guy was not as interested in me as I was in him and I should have put no stock whatsoever in him wanting to get back together.   It is done..


Comment #13

Don't call He seems to like to wait to see if something better comes up for the weekend.  Do You really want to give Your time and energy into someone like this?  You deserve more let Him have his freedom he cant have it both ways..

Good luck..

Comment #14

>>I realize there's a kind of gamesmanship to not calling, to appear not to be overly interested, etc., <<.

That's not what it's about. It's about respect for self and dignity. She has gone WAY out on a limb to let him know she wants to see him and hang out. He's blowing her off. She will feel even worse than she does now if she calls and he acts the same way. Besides, he is the one who said "We'll see" - he needs to call and say whether he wants to go or not..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #15

If hes waffling then hes not that interested.  You said yourself that he maneuvered into being friends (although I never understood why some people esp women seem to have to be friends after a relationship (thru is essentially over).  Stop counting the days and wondering.  Let go.   Move on, and get a copy of the book Hes just not that into You by Greg Behrendt...

Comment #16

Ok well you seem to have a good attitude about it. You took a risk but held enough of yourself back so that you weren't too hurt at the resolve.


Comment #17

Yes make plans, live your life - what happens happens!.


Comment #18

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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