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Match.com -Has anyone ever had any success stories with them? Please help me with this!!!?

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My first question is: Match.com -Has anyone ever had any success stories with them? Please help me with this!!!?.

My next question is:  .

So I was really hurt by a guy when I was about 25. I have never really been the same. I never wanted to let anyone in to prevent that kind of hurt again.  A year and a half ago (August 2008) I met a guy who showed alot of interest in me.  I thought he was really nice and very funny BUT I was not that attracted to him. No sparks. Well, we started dating (online dating with Match.com) and I was not always the nicest to him but he kept coming back. I'd push him away, ignore his texts or calls but he never gave up.

Now in the time we had been dating (online dating with Match.com) we had never been more intimate than a kiss.  He told me he would wait b/c he knew how much I had been hurt before and how low my self esteem was.  I really thought because of this he was one in a million. He ended up waiting 8 months for me and even told me he loved me before we ever became intimate.  I chose to give him my heart and finally let him in and I fell completely in love with him. We had an amazing summer together...went to the beach, Niagra falls to meet his family (who called me "the one").  he was practically living with me.  I was extremely happy that I had let him in my heart and knew he was the one.  He told me he knew he wanted to marry me. We looked at rings and named our future Children.  Months went by and in November of 2008 out of the blue he told me we were too different.  Keep in mind that I can't remeber a single argument over any aspect of our relationship (thru Match.com) (religion, kids, where to live).  I had no idea he wasn't happy!.

To explain how out of the blue this was.......between 3 weeks to 1 week before he left i got about 20 emails from him saying how much he loved me.  A text telling me about a dream he had about us having a beautiful baby girl (3 weeks before). Waking me up in the middle of the night to make love 4 days before and calling me from work to hear my voice just 2 days before.  The night before we put up our christmas tree and I didn't notice any sign he wanted out.  I expected a ring at Christmas and got dumped. He was supposed to move in fully in January 09' and we were going to be enaged b/c I felt better about living together that way..

Now, He  has moved out of state and I am heartbroken. Not just becasue I am now all alone and he is gone but because I trusted him and gave him my love.  How did things change so much in just a few short months?  Can you stop loving someone that quickly? How could he possibly leave the state without me? Why didn't he talk to me about it? So many questions and no answers!  All I got was a two line email saying he was sorry and that he had always had issues with being open!!! .

I Posted this last week under breaking up is hard to do BUT I would love another opinionWhat the hec happened and why didn't he show any signs that he was unhappy??? Did he stop Loving me within one week? What did I do wrong that he didn't even want to try to work on it???Can you tell me what you think happened????..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Match.com -Has anyone ever had any success stories with them? Please help me with this!!!?.

Thanks. I did get some great advice when I posted it on the other board I just wanted to see if anyone had anything different to say. I am hearing the same thing........for whatever reason he didn't see his furture with me and was trying to live the lie that he did.  I guess it just hurts so much to be rejected and even more when you don't see it coming.  I don't think I will ever forgive him for lying to me about marriage and children or saying he loved me the day before.  Those are so important to me and he knew that!!!!! I think no matter what he may have been feeling that if he was a good person he would have talked to me. I deserve better and that is what I am going to continue to tell myself..

Ironically, after 5 years I ran into "the guy" last weekend that gave me all those trust issues that prevented me from letting the Ex in.  He was w/ his wife.  He still gave me that weak in the knees feeling and all those old feeling came back. In that moment I realized that I never felt that way about the Ex.  I deserve to feel that again and I will not settle for less..

Anyway, I have been in counseling for about a month and it is helping. I am also using this board to help by talking to you all and that has really helped me as well.  It helps to hear that other women go through this and that they can move on.  It may take me a while, but I will too!   Thanks for all your kind words!..

Comment #1

You know, I read post after post after post by brokenhearted women ranging in ages from 18 to 58 here on village and to about 99% of them I think ' ah, it hurts but he is not really at fault here. He just wanted to live his one life the way he deserved'. Sometimes even in cases of married couples with children where the husband has a one night stand after not having had any attention from or sex with his wife for oh, 2 years, and the wife's going all 'how could he do this to me'. Not to mention  'r-ships' of 8 weeks where the man suddenly 'needs a break' or to 'focus on himself' and the woman goes all 'but  he said..'. Gawd, what do you expect him to say? 'Now that I've s&*&^d you  I just don't particularly want you anywhere near me cause that's all I ever wanted from you, and who knows, a much more beautiful woman may just happen in my life'?.

Honestly, yours is the first post in many many weeks which I read and thought, what a b*&^%$. This to me is a b*&^%$d behaviour. He really and truly made you believe that he was worth holding out for. He promised you things. Ok, promises and talking about future kids are all just words. He took you to meet his parents. He phoned, he pursued, chased, did things for you, with you.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. And then a f-in change of heart, just out of the blue, oh... he just happened to change his mind, 1.5 years (not 1.5 months) later. I can't tell you why, I can only say f-in b-d and he will get his comeuppance. If you are  not sure about a person in your life you let them know that that's the case.

I am not looking far ahead'.  You don't mislead them in such a b-d way..

How old are you if I may ask?..

Comment #2

I have had some great advice from so many people, but I have to say I like what you have said the best.  It's nice to know that someone else thinks he is a B@$#%!!!!! And I am truly not exaggerating about what happened. He never once became distant, or less sexual, or stopped saying he loved me (emails and face to face) but the worst of all that he did was the text 3 weeks before he left about the dream we had a baby girl! It hurts because other than my mom and sister, no one knows how much I want children more than him. But still he sent me that text knowing in his heart that he wasn't completely happy and that it would never happen w/ us.  I will never understand it, because until he walked out and did this I thought he was one of the best people I had ever known.  What makes it even worse is that he left town 2 months later without even talking to me. That two line email meant absolutely nothing after what he did..

I am 28 and will be 29 in July.  I know you may say that I still have time but I feel like time is slipping away.  It was hard enough for me to let him in after what the first guy did and now I am not sure if I can do it again!  It is extremely hard for someone to touch my heart enough for me to want to let them in. I guess you can say I am picky but that might not be the best word. It's hard not to think it was something I did......like did my looks change, or did I gain weight? After this how am I ever supposed to know that when someone says "You sre the one", or that they want to marry me and have babies with me, and that they Love me w/ all their heart that they are being HONEST?   I am terrified I will never be able to give my heart to anyone again...

Comment #3

You know, at this point it really matters less about what was promised and all that, than it does about what to do now. You still have the end result - he wants something different.  The question remains - Are you going to allow the smallness of one man ruin the quality of the rest of your life?.

Hon, people go through similar feelings when losing a job - there are no guarantees in life even when it appears you are getting one. So rather than raging against him and the unfairness of it all and be devastated about this turn of events, use it to become a better and stronger person. That kind of person refuses to be defeated or defined by the actions of others - and she reaffirms in her heart what matters more than anything - that great love is worth risking all for..

Process the hurt and learn from this - to not trust is NOT the lesson - that invites lots of hurt and pain.  You have a choice to make - looking back won't change what is. You either decide to live happy - which after all is the best revenge - or you choose to never get over this and never trust and never open your heart and always remain under teh control of people never meant for you..

We all have painfully difficult losses in life at some point - you just pick yourself up and go on. This is what life is about - dealing with hurt and disappointments and loss with grace and courage - not allowing it to be a reason to stop loving or being loved..

Toni..

Comment #4

I know you are right. I want nothing more than to learn from this experience, deal with the loss and then move on to find something/someone better. I can't change what happened but I can learn from it. Over the last 2 1/2 months since it happened I have become stronger......basically because I don't sit aroung crying anymore, I go out on the weekends now and I am back in the gym working out.  I am living alone and I am even getting better coping w/ that since everything in the apt. reminds me of him/us!  In the beginning I never thought It would get better like most people do after something like this. .

I guess the positive side to all this is that I do want to fall in Love again and I do want to trust.........I am just scared that when the time comes that I won't be able too! I don't want to miss out on Love because of trust issues and stupid cruel men like my Ex!!  I can promise that I will try and hope that I get the chance too!   Thank you so much for your support!..

Comment #5

<<I guess the positive side to all this is that I do want to fall in Love again and I do want to trust.........I am just scared that when the time comes that I won't be able too! I don't want to miss out on Love because of trust issues and stupid cruel men like my Ex!!  I can promise that I will try and hope that I get the chance too!   Thank you so much for your support!>>.

Here is the thing about trust - just like love, trust comes from within. It is not 'given' by someone else. YOur ability to trust others is limited to your ability to trust yourself to handle whatever life throws at you. Right now, you don't. Teh fact that you were not able to release the past says you aren't. .

It is a fact of life that people WILL hurt and disappoint us. Its rarely intentional - and always results from their own stuff. That saying 'it's not about you' is on the money. When you stop taking what others do personally and making it about your worth and value and see it as a culmunation of their fears, experiences, preferences, etc, you can let go of hurts a lot easier.

The whole point of love is to love anyway - in spite of the hurt and in spite of the losses. Otherwise, you aren't experiencing life. No one is immune to hurt. WE all deal with it.  that's what makes love so great.

Hon, I use hte analogy of a broken leg when talking about a broken heart. It must heal and then be rehabbed before you can run on it well. You are still in your 'cast' and then you need to undergo rehabilitation before you are open to love. And you will know when you are ready to date using Match.com again - becasue you WANT to enjoy life, not because you are avoiding pain. And when you are truly ready for intimacy - you are fully open to it. You don't protect your heart and you aren't 'scared' of letting someone in..

Intimacy is what you fear most - that is where trust and respect come in. You just decide that love is worth being brave for and opening yourself up to it. Damn the torpedos and full steam ahead.

You won't die from heartbreak unless you give up. This is what separates teh women from the girls. Do what you need to do to be fully open to love when the opportunity next arises. Its worth the effort..

Toni..

Comment #6

Do you know the saying "you have to Love yourself before anyone else can?.

Do You believe that?  I can honestly say I have never really Loved or valued myself. Not sure why, because I have had a great life so far w/ an amazing family to support me. I think these last two bad relationships have not helped..

You mentioned intimacy is what I fear the most. You are so right. But not only because of the trust and respect it brings, but because I am scared they will see all my physical flaws too. That is why I waited 8 months with my ex, because I was so insecure that I needed to know he wouldn't walk away after seeing me (on the outside)..

It didn't take him but 5 months to walk out after we were intimate (which was a wonderful experience) for the first time even though we had shared an amazing 9 months before that.

I realize that I am the only one who can change these things and I am trying ....but it is so hard.  I agree that Love is worth the pain, but right now the pain is all I feel and all I can see.  It will take time I guess. I am going to make an effort to work on these things (Loving myself, trusting again) so that the next time Love comes my way I will be open to it...

Comment #7

<<You mentioned intimacy is what I fear the most. You are so right. But not only because of the trust and respect it brings, but because I am scared they will see all my physical flaws too. >>.

I don't believe it's the outside you fear showing - I believe it's the inside. Intimacy means being REAL - not hiding who you are regardless. People can't love 'you' if you are hiding who you are from them. They only love the mask you are wearing.  Real intimacy requires that you allow someone to see your warts and ugliness on the inside. The external stuff fades anyway. and if the only thing they love you for IS your looks, no wonder you are insecure. Looks fade but a loving, open heart is ALWAYS full and ALWAYS beautiful..

If you were secure about WHO you are inside, you would also be confident about the package it comes in. Security, like love and trust and intimacy, is INternal. .

Everyone has flaws. We are all imperfect humans. Who is anyone to pretend to be perfect? How arrogant is that?  I mean this with all kindness - get over yourself.  If beauty was all that was required to find love, then all the world's 'beautiful' people would be happily paired and all the not so beautiful people wouldn't be. That is hardly the case.

When you work on what's inside your heart - and treat yourself with love, respect, kindness and tenderness - there can only be one end result - you ARE someone a great guy would be proud to be with. you must BECOME teh kind of person you want to attract first. .

Here are some great books that have helped me over the years:.

Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent by Judy Ford.

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Know Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence by Barbara Rose.

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Men Like Women Who Like Themselves: (And Other Secrets That the Smartest Women Know) by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.

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Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John Eldredge and Stasi Eldredge.

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Law of Attraction: The Science of Attracting More of What You Want and Less of What You Don't by Michael J. Losier.

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I also like the e-book called Catch him and Keep him by Christian Carter - google the title and you'll find him.  Sign up for his newsletters..

Remember - no one will ever love you, cherish you, respect you or be honest with you more than you do for yourself. The limit they can do these things is exactly where you do them for yourself.  so if you want better from teh people in your life - improve your own first..

You must first fall in love with yourself before anyone else can. date using Match.com yourself for a long while - and the rest will fall into place..

Toni..

Comment #8

You really do give great advice and a lot to think about.  not even my counselor has said anything to me like that.....all she does is listen. I am going to look into those books you recommended. I need to focus on me for a little while. dating (online dating with Match.com) myself sounds great!! I think once I start to Love myself and become closer to the Lord then I will be ready for what I know is waiting for me.......happiness!  .

Thank you for taking the time to write me with your thoughts....they have truly helped so much!..

Comment #9

You are welcome. The journey to wholeness of heart is not easy - but it is so worthwhile. You might also find Michelle McKinney Hammond's books useful - they are written from a Christian POV - I esp. liked Secrets of an Irresistable Woman.

It will continue to be hard for a while - but training for any long term endeavor is. Think marathon! Persistence and the desire to BE the woman you can be will keep you going when things get tough. .

Best regards,.

Toni..

Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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