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My first question is: Match.com forgot pass word?.

My next question is: I've been friends with this guy "Joe" since April 2004.  I met him at work when I was first hired (he trained me).  It was a really casual office environment. We were the same age and worked with other people our age - 28-29 yrs old..

Now we are both almost 34, still friends, and each at different jobs.  A few people said he always liked me but a year later in 2005 he asked to be transferred to the Chicago, IL office.  He never asked me out but I'm sure it was becasue he knew I liked someone else in the office. It's a long story but now I am single and he is back in NY and has shown interest.  He went right out and asked me if I like him and then asked if he could kiss me. I said no because he ruined the moment. .

The real issue is, during our friendship he has told me some pretty detailed stuff.  He tried LSD a few times when he was in jr high school, would disappear for days, his parents disowned him financially, his grandmother paid for his college, went to AA too.  He told me he grew up in a farmtown near Rochester, NY so there was nothing to do without a car. Number one, they were too young for their license, but even if they did drive, they had to drive a long distance to get to town where all the civillization was. .

One day we were walking in the city and he just blurts out so everyone near us can hear and look at him "I had to call my sponser today because I'm drinking a lot again."  His job is very stressful and he drinks only on the weekends.  His sponsor says he is not dependent on alcohol because Mon-Friday he is fine. The term for it is "binge drinking." .

He's so sweet and really nice.  I mean he was so quiet and shy in the office where we met, and so smart. He likes to read autobiographies and the way he talks, he seems more intelligent than other guy's I've known.  I'm just hung up on the fact that he did drugs and started drinking a lot again.  I heard alcohol makes you moody.  From all the movies I've seenwith abusive husbands when they drink - I don't know. I'm just wondering if I am being scared for the right reasons?   I've been his friend for so long that I can't see myself kissing him.  I was never attracted to him becuase I saw the other guy first ,but Joe is not so bad.   .

I feel like a little kid when I say it's gonna be weird if we kiss.  I don't see him as a BF yet, We've been friends for so long but most of the years he was in the Chicago office.  We're supposed to watch a DVD at his place tomorrow.  I'm trying to like him.   My friend said the drugs and stuff was in his past. He made the effort to go to  AA and rehab a long time ago and is fine now.  That is why he moved out of the farmtown down to NYC.  But he just said he started drinking again after being out of AA for 6 yrs and spoke to a sponsor.   Ugh!!!  IDK.  I'm giving it a try but have second thoughts.  Do any of you think I am crazy for these second thoughts?.

Edited 2/13/2009 10:05 pm ET by luvs2run..

Comments (21)

Your question was: Match.com forgot pass word?.

Wow ok.. an alcoholic does NOT have to drink every day!  You should visit an open AA or Al-Anon meeting.  Also, once you are an alcoholic, you are *always* an alcoholic. ..

Comment #1

Really?  Ok then, maybe I shouldn't date using Match.com him?  Would any of you guys? ..

Comment #2

If it bothers you that much then no, you shouldn't date using Match.com him.  Let him go and go find someone else who you don't feel so confused about.  It is that simple.  Why torture yourself and him too?  Good luck with whatever you decide. ..

Comment #3

You dont even like him tho lol so I dont understand why your decision is so hard.  anyways, good luck...

Comment #4

This guy is your friend and I get the feeling that you want to try to be attracted to him although you are not. Nothing is wrong with not being attracted to someone. But something is wrong with acting as if you are. And don't make excuses for him; accept reality..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #5

I saw him yesterday and totally forgot it was Valentines Day. He got me flowers, a balloon and chocolate.  To make a long story short, he said he has always liked me a lot since the first day we met in 2004.  He mentioned having me in his life as a friend has made him a better person.  As a result, he has made the effort to be closer with his parents (since they legally disowned him because of his drinking, etc.).     I discussed how I feel about his drinking and he said he would stop if it means having me in his life.  He also said he didn't touch a drop from 2000-2006 but felt he needed to start again because he just had moved to a new town (transferred to the Chicago office) and his new friends went out to drink after work.   I sincerely believe he meant all those things he said.  Like he wasn't just saying them to "fake" being charming so I could be his GF.  When he kissed me I kissed him back.  Only time will tell..

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Comment #6

Maybe he really believes that he can stop but he hasn't tried. Problem drinkers and alcoholics generally can not stop because of someone else. Perhaps you should take this slowly and see how it goes, try to not wrap yourself up in this guy too quickly..

Comment #7

I guess, but the fact is, he felt bad about drinking again and made the effort to talk to a professional.  That's a good thing, isn't it?.

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Comment #8

>>I guess, but the fact is, he felt bad about drinking again and made the effort to talk to a professional.  That's a good thing, isn't it?<<.

Yes, but secretlobster's advice to you about not getting wrapped up too quickly is very wise. Also? Be cautious..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #9

I am in a agreement that you are trying to make yourself like him because he likes you.  You are also rationalizing his drinking to make it acceptable to you. should people be given the benefit of the doubt - absolutely. However, what was disturbing to me was you said he said he 'needed' to start drinking because he moved to a new city, stress, yada yada yada. That says he is NOT in control of his drinking. He IS an alcoholic - a fully functioning one - and they can be very reliable on the job - it's the rest of the time you need to be concerned about..

That said - why are you so willing to jump into a dating (online dating with Match.com) situation with someone you aren't crazy about? I mean, really?  Is he the ONLY option in town? I hardly think so..

Hon, if you have to talk yourself into being with someone - and clearly you are because you are rationalizing so many things to make it ok and asking strangers for opinions - then you don't need to get involved.  Esp. since he has started drinking again.

The only way I would consider being involved with someone with substance abuse issues is if they have been clean and sober for a very long time AND also have mechanism and such in place to work through stress and values their sobriety above all else. He is drinking due to stress - hello!? who doesn't get stressed? Stress is normal and he isn't dealing with that.  Staying sober is a choice and it's not one he is making very well right now.

But his drinking or not drinking doesn't matter - it's clear from your post that you aren't that into him anyway so I really don't understand why you are trying so hard to make yourself like him. That is a recipe for disaster and totally unfair to him. the fact that you are second guessing is a huge NO. Listen to your gut instincts and stop trying to talk yourself into something you know is not right for you..

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Toni..

Comment #10

Regarding:.

"...Hon, if you have to talk yourself into being with someone - and clearly you are because you are rationalizing so many things to make it ok and asking strangers for opinions - then you don't need to get involved.  Esp. since he has started drinking again...".

I think it's always a good idea to get opinions from strangers because sometimes the opinion of your friends can be biased.  Or maybe I can somehow inadvertently or subconsciously misunderstand what is being said and miss the whole point of what my friend is trying to tell me..

One factor of me trying to like him is the fact that most of my friends are married already and the ones who are still single, are hairdressers and waitresses.  They work weekends and later hours while I am off. I am the only one in my group of friends who has an office job from 9-5.  Non of my co-workers go out to happy hour because they are married.  However, one co-worker of mine who is the same age as I am,  but she just got married this past summer.  I really don't have too many friends and don't go out much anymore..

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Comment #11

<<One factor of me trying to like him is the fact that most of my friends are married already and the ones who are still single, are hairdressers and waitresses.  >>.

Hon - you are 'trying' to like him. He is either a good match for you or he isn't - you are trying to make an incompatible man fit you because all your friends are married?  This is SETTLING - do not be surprised when it turns out to be far worse than you imagined.

He isn't right for you. You know this. Do what is right for both of you and let him go. It is far better to be single than to be paired with the wrong person.  YOu have so many options that you aren't trying because they likely take you out of your comfort zone - that is not a good enough reason to settle.  That's being lazy and allowing fear to drive your choices..

Try online dating, take a new class or start a new hobby. Do things that excite YOU and don't require a friend. You don't need a friend to go out and enjoy life with. All you need is te desire to enjoy it. Sitting at home and never doing anything new is easy. Finding people and relationships that benefit you and grow you into a better person requires effort.

Your thread title asks "Am I beign too picky?' in this case you aren't being picky enough.  the only way to get what you want is to not settle for less. That will never satisfy you..

Toni..

Comment #12

I had an alcoholic boyfriend once a long time ago. About 8 years ago, I became very attracted to a man who I found out very quickly was an alcoholic. I ran for the hills. Trust me on this one. As all the other posters have said: if he's had a problem with alcohol in the past, he really can't drink again...ever. Really.

I have a good friend who has been a recovering alcoholic for over 25 years, and she has told me in great detail all about AA (not breaking any confidentiality agreements, of course).And as for trying to make this workplease don't. Just because your friends are married doesn't mean you need to bend yourself into a pretzel to be with this guy. I know it can get really lonely when your friends get married, but you simply have to find new friends and new activities. I know this is easier said than done.And no, you aren't being too picky. I tell people that when I got married I wasn't picky enough and it's true...

Comment #13

I agree with the others that you are trying to make yourself like you because you are not enjoying being alone..

I also think your inner self is saying "no" for deeper reasons that you do not know.  I feel that you are trying to intellectually rule over your inner self, who knows better what is good for you..

I dated an alchoholic once...he was my last bf.   I was very open to who he was and it didn't bother me at all....UNTIL I realized I got so BORED with him talking about it!.

Even though this 50+ year old man had not drank in over 10 years...so much of his thinking and identification was that he  was an alcoholic and alcoholic's think this and have trouble with this and blah blah blah..

In the end, I realized I was very bored with this talk and it was not uplifting.  I wanted to talk/think about more productive/positive ideas and he was not. .

Oh, and then there were the endless stories of his still alchy brother who still gets "stoned".  I had had enough.  Believe me, it gets old!!! .

Now I am with a man who is not focused on any addictions now or in the past and is more interested in positive/spiritual ideals that are much more inspiring/interesting/uplifting..

If you have no issues with alcohol...then you may not want to hear about his troubles all the time. I sure didn't..

Find new single women friends who are around your age.  IT's not easy but doable. Believe me, most of them would be open to new friendships as well..

Kristina.

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Soliel..

Comment #14

I just called him now and had to tell him it wasn't working out.   I misunderstood what he said about the AA sponsor issue, etc.  This is what he really meant to say, or maybe he did tell me that night and I just misconstrued it becaues I was trying to look in his eyes to see if I found them sexy or sparkly. LOL.   I wasn't listening that night, but now, however, since we were on the phone, I was more attentive..

He said anyone can go to AA - friends of alcoholics, family members.  He was never classified as an alcoholic but rather he is an alcohol abuser.   I just had to end it because I didn't like the fact that I was sitting here doing nothing but think about it and analyze it over and over again.  At first I was going to wait until this coming  Friday night to tell him because we made tentative plans for this coming Saturday but  the dirty dishes are waiting for me in the sink, and the vacuum waits for me to plug it in and clean my carpets.....  I can't clean my apt. knowing there is something else more important I have to do so I called him a short while ago. Oh well...

Comment #15

Sorry to hear that you had to end it. That is never fun...but I think you made the right decision for you. You should feel good about looking out for you!..

Comment #16

My issue with your post is not at all the 'drugs' or the fact that he drinks at weekends. I don't know a single person who hasn't done 'drugs' at one point in their lives, be it LSD, grass, whatever. I am a drinker and so is my bf; I too drink one or two glasses of wine during the week in the evenings after work, and more at weekends. I don't consider either myself or my bf an alcoholic. He's 34, not 14 - a grown man with a past, and ways he deals with life. He works hard, he knows he has issues, that's why he's been to AA.

You don't facy him, you don't want him in 'that' way. Why even post about it if you don't? If you said you were crazy about him and wanted to rip his clothes off every time you saw him along with everything else you said about him I'd say give it a go, see what happens. But you dont. That would be 'subject closed' to me.......

Comment #17

Yes, I agree that the fact she doesn't fancy him the biggest reason not to date using Match.com him.....

However, there are compatibility issues, too.  You are compatible with your mate because you both are drinkers but not everyone is a drinker and would feel happy in that situation..

It has a lot to do with compatibility because it has to do with how a person lives their life, spends their time and money and focuses and talks about..

With my ex bf...he kept talking and talking about booze...I am so not into that.  Okay for a person who has the same issues but I did not..

I wouldn't be surprised if part of her turn off was his focus in life...being different than hers..

There are a lot of people out there who do not drink nor do they think about drugs ever..

Soliel..

Comment #18

>>There are a lot of people out there who do not drink nor do they think about drugs ever.<<.

That's very true..

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #19

"... I don't know a single person who hasn't done 'drugs' at one point in their lives, be it LSD, grass, whatever...".

There's a huge difference between doing drugs maybe once or twice in your whole life  and then there's doing drugs everyday, dissappearing for days, going to rehab and having your parents financially disown you.  I'd say that is a BIG difference.  I mean, really?  Either: doing drugs less than 5 times on a few weekends or doing them EVERYDAY non-stop for a whole year, 12 months.....  there is no comparison, one is worse than the other..

Yes, he is 34 and should be able to handle drinking on the weekends, but the latter paragraph refers to him.  I thought once a  person goes to alcohol and drug REHAB and AA, he/she is not supposed to touch another drop for the rest of his/her life.  Maybe I am naive about this?.

Why was the expression"back on the wagon/fell off the wagon" even invented?   Pls tell me, I don't know the answer.   I think I AM naive about this..

And the part about me not liking him in a boyfriend way but pondered dating (online dating with Match.com) him:.

I was giving him a chance.  How would you feel if some guy gave an excuse for not liking you or didn't give you a chance (forgettting about drinking - in this case no one is an alcoholic)?  At least I couldn't help but give a nice guy a chance.  I worked with him for almost 2 years not knowing he was an alcoholic.  He was soooooooo nice, polite in the office, soft spoken, smart, he got promoted twice in 4 years, took a test to get a bunch of letters next to his name.......  just about the sweetest guy I ever met.  How could I not give someone like that a chance?  After all, he didn't touch a drop from 2000-2005 (or 06).  .

Maybe if he would've been bold and asked me out shortly after we met at work, I would've seen him in a different light and not have developed a crush on some other guy who WAS bold to ask me out.   But all of this doesn't matter anyway becaues he asked his boss if he could get transferred to the Chicago office (some people siad he left becuase he liked me and knew I liked someone else).  I think I was the one to ask him for his cell number the day he left for Chicago.   ..

Comment #20

If someone is nice and you want to give him a chance, ok. But to continue trying to force something like it's medicine - that's a different story.

,..

Comment #21


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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