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Match.com - female located at Nigeria looking for love? It can be fake.?

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My first question is: Match.com - female located at Nigeria looking for love? It can be fake.?.

My next question is: I have a hard time dating (online dating with Match.com) or finding people who are interested in me or I interested in them.  I think I'm discovering the problem....

I think I have a tendency to fall for people who are unattainable or are no good for me or who don't want me..

I reject or steer clear of people who show any sign of interest in me..

For example, years ago I was in a relationship (thru Match.com) with a guy who was so emotionally bad for me.  I didn't date using Match.com for years after..

Last year I constantly wrote about the 'unreliable guy' and the turmoil I was inflicting on myself because I couldn't resist him..

Now, I have a huge crush for a married man. .

In the last couple of years, I have dated a couple few guys who really seemed to like me.  Another guy I know has a crush on me and I won't even look at him.  I don't know if it's lack of chemistry but I felt completely turned off by each..

If this is actually a pattern that I'm noticing, why am I like this?..

Comments (20)

Your question was: Match.com - female located at Nigeria looking for love? It can be fake.?.

Oh, I've struggled with the same problem of being attracted to men who are unavailable on some levelalthough usually with me it manifests itself in getting involved with men who are not looking for the same thing I am and/or who have red flags, and trying to convince myself that I can be ok with that.  So I can definitely relate.  I recently started dating (online dating with Match.com) again after ending a 5 month relationship (thru Match.com) (with a guy who was only separatedbig red flag therebut I was far too attracted so I just had to try to be the exception, ha) and of the guys I've met so far, *of course* I'm most attracted to the guy who is probably just looking for a fling, not something long-term.  And the guys I've met who want a serious LTR are just not doing it for meI'm very "eh" about them so far, attraction-wise..

I've gone through counseling so I understand why I have this attraction (which of course have their roots in my family history and upbringing) and I'm getting better at walking away from at least *some* unavailable men, but even understanding the root of it, it's still a struggle.  Have you read any of Harville Hendrix's books?  He really does a good job of explaining why this happens (in general terms of course).  But for the specifics of why you have this particular issue, you'll need to explore that with a counselor..

Sheri..

Comment #1

Hi Reg.   There is no clear cut answer for you. .

The solution lies within you.  It could be that you have a thing for keeping men who are genuinely interested in you at arms length because you dont want to get attached and then get hurt later.  It could be that you have had just no luck finding the guy with the right combination...if you are somewhat picky and particular about who you date...this could just be the case - which would mean that there is nothing really *wrong* with you..per se...but you could psyche yourself into believing that that is the case.  It could be that you like a challenge...and because of selfesteem issues feel that if you could just get the unattainable..then you would be worth something in this world..

If you could find a counselor with whom you could talk about this at length...maybe just through talking...you could discover what to do...

Comment #2

I'm seriously considering it.  I'm also finding myself to be ever the hypocrite. .

This guy who has a crush on me, he is actually quite attractive lookswise.  Most girls would probably want to go out with him.  But I am turned off by the fact that he has a girlfriend (long distance, not serious).  But on the other hand, I am wondering why the married guy doesn't want to step it up. .

I also recall thinking along these same lines about myself, that I'm hypocritical, when I was dating (online dating with Match.com) the unreliable guy and also dating (online dating with Match.com) this other great guy who was really into me.  I found minor faults with the great guy while excusing the unreliable guy's behaviour. .

It just doesn't make sense that my mind is all screwed up and that I'm messing up what is morally right and wrong..

Edited 1/15/2008 10:01 pm ET by reggielicious..

Comment #3

Like Sheri - I too have had these issues and can sometimes find myself entertaining ideas with the wrong men. I grew up in an alcoholic home - so 'unavailable' was what I asociated with 'strong male figure' - even my Grandfather was absent.  the lessons Ilearned were that men whom I am passionate about are often unavailable..

In addition, as part of my own growth and counseling, it seems too that, at least for me, some of teh unavailable choices are a result of 1) being afraid of intimacy or 2) not truly believing that I deserve the kind of man who is fully present and available and loving..

When a person has difficulty dealing with intimacy - being fully known by anohter faults and all. THAT is scary when you have learned (wrongly) that by being real or stating your wants/needs, people leave.  Unfortunately, this is a destructive pattern, the more you hide who you are, the more you reinforce the wrong idea that intimacy is something to fear..

I have also gravitated to the 'wrong' men in the past because they gave me a built in reason for it not working - I chose men that there was absolutely NO risk whatsoever of having to be fully present and intimate with. Yet on teh surface, I had the 'excuse' that he's involved with someone else, or that he isn't over his last relationship, or he lives across teh country - name your unavailable reason here - so it was NEVER MY issue. It was them who couldn't commit, be intimate or what have you - at least this is what I told myself and everyone else. At teh end of the day, I chose these men because I knew in my heart that I would only have to be so open, and so committed and so intimate - all on the surface. Getting deep was to be avoided at all costs!.

So - Hon, you choose men who are not available to be fully present and open and IN a relationship (thru Match.com) with. What are you avoiding in being in these kinds of relationships?  What in you is also 'unavailable'? ARe you trying to avoid intimacy, letting someone know the real you, warts and all? Do you not feel you deserve better than this?.

When we live in a place of 'undeserving' or 'lack' we will sabatoge ourselves when the very thing we so desperately want and need to heal and be happy stares us in teh face. Its like oil and water - they don't mix. So your task is to BECOME MORE like the kind of man you know in your heart that you want - one who is available, loving, committed  and fully present. But you have to become this first - right now that kind of man is the oil and you are the water. .

Counseling would be a great place to start digging out the issues that keep you in a place of lack.  Consider taking a break from dating (online dating with Match.com) and men until you get yourself in a better frame of mind on what you truly want and deserve.

 .

Toni..

Comment #4

Thank you Toni for sharing this with me.  Lately, I have been trying to look into myself more and self-analyze myself to find out why I am the way I am. .

I guess it could be a fear of intimacy and of someone finding out more about me.  I have always had trouble communicating my feelings towards someone.  I don't know why I'm like this. .

I don't know why I look at certain guys and think they don't measure up to what I'm looking for.  The ones who are into me, I find fault and turn them away.  The ones who are indifferent, I fall for them. .

 And the other problem is, my unreturned feelings linger and I can't shake it.  It makes me feel like crap. .

Edited 1/16/2008 6:14 pm ET by reggielicious..

Comment #5

That was an excellent post toni.  I was wondering if you'd like to dig a little deeper:.

1) dont you also feel that one's lifestyle does preclude a person to possibly meet men who are not a good fit?  For instance, if you hang out with a certain type of crowd (maybe the elusive artist types or more of a clubbing type crowd) you could never meet the right person...versus the notion that the inner person attracts those undesirable men to her?  Sure, the woman picks the environment (that's the problem ... needing and wanting friends), but that could easily be rectified if she realizes the damage that it does to her dating (online dating with Match.com) life. .

2) do many men really truely want to see the warts of our soul?  Not even your best girlfriend really wants to see the warts of your soul.  Maybe we are injecting some of the fairy tale b.s. that we have been forcefed since childhood..

3)a person needs to know that if he or she does bare lots of the inner stuff that the relationship (thru Match.com) could end anyway because the other determines that the two together are not the right fit.   People need to be careful - just  because they become available in a relationship (thru Match.com) doesnt mean the relationship (thru Match.com) leads to the altar.  I feel that a person who has not found themselves yet (or who is not used to rejection) needs to pace the exposure of their soul no matter what because it could backfire and make the person more insecure...not realizing that it is absolutely normal for relationships to break up.  Until you find your long lasting mate...all relationships are going to breakup - that is the norm - it only makes sense.  It doesnt mean you are not capable of sustaining a relationship (thru Match.com) or are commitment phobic..

4) "not truly believing that I deserve the kind of man who is fully present and available and loving" how does this happen?  How do you go from being raised in a negligent environment and determine that you need to bond to that negligence?  I would think that people would go the other way...making sure that their homelife is a better homelife..

 ..

Comment #6

<<The ones who are indifferent, I fall for them. .

 And the other problem is, my unreturned feelings linger and I can't shake it.  It makes me feel like crap. ??.

The overly simplified answer - somewhere in your childhood, you desperately wanted and needed the attention of someone who was indifferent someway - at least in your child's mind. There is a wonderful book called 'Captivating" I forget teh author - basically, little girls yearn to captivate the attention of their fathers - and when that doesn't happen (often because of the father's issues) the little girl learns to try harder and harder to win approval - yet never can.

You seek these kinds of situations likely because your wounded little girl is still trying to captivate her father - yet he remains indifferent. you feel like crap because your wounded child made the wrong assumption that it was she who was worth ignoring - she could never grasp or understand that it was the one she was trying to captivate who had the problem..

Basically Hon, you are reliving your childhood relationship (thru Match.com) with these men.....

Toni..

Comment #7

Not being a psychologist, I can only answer what is true to me/.

<<1) dont you also feel that one's lifestyle does preclude a person to possibly meet men who are not a good fit?  For instance, if you hang out with a certain type of crowd (maybe the elusive artist types or more of a clubbing type crowd) you could never meet the right person...versus the notion that the inner person attracts those undesirable men to her?  Sure, the woman picks the environment (that's the problem ... needing and wanting friends), but that could easily be rectified if she realizes the damage that it does to her dating (online dating with Match.com) life. >>.

Like attracts like - so if a person is hanging out with 'elusive' types, then that is a reflection of something elusive in them. When a person is open and ready and receptive to intimacy and commitment, they will naturally gravitate to people who are in the same place. When you outgrow something you stop associating with it - this is the natural law of growth and progression.   So remaining in a crowd that is not conducive to meeting someone to commit to, you'd be choosing to be stagnate.  People seek others like themselves - if you want different scenery then move! Knowing you don't like the scenary but not moving, well, that is just fear being in charge - or a perverse need to be a victim of circumstance. My point is - no emotionally well balance person will remain in a sitation that isn't conducive to their best life by choice - they will move from that spot as soon as practically possible.

<<2) do many men really truely want to see the warts of our soul?  Not even your best girlfriend really wants to see the warts of your soul.  Maybe we are injecting some of the fairy tale b.s. that we have been forcefed since childhood.>>.

I think fully risking knowing and being known is what love really is. And it isn't limited to M/F relationships. I have friends that I show my warts too - and sometimes they let me know that the sight isn't pretty.  I can't nd won't wear masks all day long - it's too damn tiring. There are people on this earth that I know that I can be all that I am with - and they know they can do the same - and still be accepted, respected and loved.  That isn't fairly tale BS - this is what love and intimacy means - being REAL. Otherwise, what's the point of pairing off if you can never remove the mask? And I know I am not the only person who feels this way - that there are people that can be trusted with the darkest parts of us..

<<3)a person needs to know that if he or she does bare lots of the inner stuff that the relationship (thru Match.com) could end anyway because the other determines that the two together are not the right fit.   People need to be careful - just  because they become available in a relationship (thru Match.com) doesnt mean the relationship (thru Match.com) leads to the altar.  I feel that a person who has not found themselves yet (or who is not used to rejection) needs to pace the exposure of their soul no matter what because it could backfire and make the person more insecure...not realizing that it is absolutely normal for relationships to break up.  Until you find your long lasting mate...all relationships are going to breakup - that is the norm - it only makes sense.  It doesnt mean you are not capable of sustaining a relationship (thru Match.com) or are commitment phobic.>>.

I don't think I said it did make someone incapable of havng a relationship (thru Match.com) or that they were commitmentphobic. But when you learn the wrong lessons as a child, you tend to go through life with that POV until someone or some situation offers you insight and knowledge - and it often comes at a painful price.   Most people don't know that they don't know something.  And knowing ones self is often years in the making - again at the cost of some painful lessons..

<<4) "not truly believing that I deserve the kind of man who is fully present and available and loving" how does this happen?  How do you go from being raised in a negligent environment and determine that you need to bond to that negligence?  I would think that people would go the other way...making sure that their homelife is a better homelife.>>.

Abused people bond to their abusers every day of the week. When the only way you've been shown love is in a negative way, that is the only thing you know. Therefore, when someone displays THAT negative behavior, it triggers 'love' (a dysfunctional version of it anyway) in a person. This is Pavlov's dog - conditioned responses. And no - if people didn't so strongly identify love and self worth with behaviors, then ALL battered women would leave and never return to their abusers - but this happens less often than any one likes to think.

The mind is a powerful thing - whatever you believe - is true for you. Including the belief that you 'don't deserve to be treated special' or that 'people are out to get me' or 'you're no good for anything but sex' or 'you;r worthless, you're lucky anyone wants you at all'.

And it really doesn;'t matter that anyone else understands it or not - a person is limited or expanded by what they believe - be it that they are goddesses or worthless garbage.  And what they believe about themselves dictates what kind of situations they allow themselves to be in and what kind of people they attract and are attracted to..

Basically, unless a person feels worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc - they will not be able to handle it because it is foreign to them - just like two ends of a magnet repelling each other.  Its all in the mind's willingness to accept love and kindness and respect that happens first..

Toni..

Comment #8

It's good that you see the hypocritical behaviors in your dealings with men.  If those behavior are present in your romantic life you could be doing the same things in other areas of your life like work, friendship, family.  So it is good that you are contemplating counseling.  It could move your life forward in a big way...

Comment #9

I dont necessarily feel that girls or women hang out with people who are always like them...maybe it is the insecurity inside of them...but sometimes people want to hang out with the fun people, the cool people, the people who go where the action is...only to find out later that they dont care about the people who they hang with..

"And I know I am not the only person who feels this way - that there are people that can be trusted with the darkest parts of us."> I havent met anyone who I can trust with the darkest parts of me, so you are very lucky..

"Most people don't know that they don't know something.  And knowing ones self is often years in the making - again at the cost of some painful lessons."> unfortunately very true..

"Therefore, when someone displays THAT negative behavior, it triggers 'love' (a dysfunctional version of it anyway) in a person:"> I would thinkthat the emotion would be anger instead of love...like "hey, this feels like the other time I was cr*pped on.".

"Basically, unless a person feels worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc - they will not be able to handle it because it is foreign to them - just like two ends of a magnet repelling each other."> so they'll screw it up?.

"Its all in the mind's willingness to accept love and kindness and respect that happens first."> and understanding what love, kindness and respect are to give and to receive, right?..

Comment #10

 It almost seems like an overweight person knows they shouldn't be eating ice cream, they look at the bowl of fruit, and give in to the ice cream. If you recognize you have a problem, it's easier to deal with if you recognize it. You recognize it, it's just a matter of NOT eating the ice cream and choosing the fruit. It can be that simple, or... you could seek a psychotherapist to dig deeper into your past, and for you to re-adjust your psyche..

 I know for me, it took me a LONG time to realize that I attracted people that had issues, so that my own issues wouldn't seem so bad. It took until I was about 25 to realize this and about 28 to finally GET IT and to stop the behavior. So now, the first sign I see someone with some 'issues', I wish them well, and move on. I HAVE TO, in order for me to not keep making the same mistakes over and over again..

 I'm willing to bet that your dad has something to do with this. Why? They usually do. Whether or not he was around, or the fact he was around and unaffectionate, alcoholic, abusive, or whatever. I've learned that the DAD has a HUGE role on how children view r-ships. I've made the argument before that the DAD is just as, or if not MORE critical to a childs 'psychological and social' maturity,   than   the   mom.

 Z..

Comment #11

Its DOES make alot of sense.  My dad was always at work or not around to spend time with us when we were little.  And we always felt like strangers around him.  Even still, we are respectful but not close as we are to our mom.  He had an affair one time and I remember how it hurt my mom and I remember them fighting. .

I never thought those things had an effect on me.  I always felt indifferent to it, but maybe it has affected me.  I will have to look deeper...

Comment #12

<<I dont necessarily feel that girls or women hang out with people who are always like them...maybe it is the insecurity inside of them...but sometimes people want to hang out with the fun people, the cool people, the people who go where the action is...only to find out later that they dont care about the people who they hang with.>>.

Insecurity has nothing to do with it. Like as in similar values and lifestyles, etc - horses hang with horses, cats hang with cats, etc.  When peole make the choice of who to hang out with - it will very often be with people that they are comfortable with because of similar life situations, interests, values, beliefs, what have you.  They may step out of their usual circle now and again, but groups are groups for a reason - and the people there are there because they share something in common - like attracts like..

"And I know I am not the only person who feels this way - that there are people that can be trusted with the darkest parts of us."> I havent met anyone who I can trust with the darkest parts of me, so you are very lucky..

I don't think I'm atypical at all in this.  Trust isn't something someone else gives me - I know who I can trust and why - therefore, those whom I trust with the darkest parts of me have shown themselves trustworthy enough to handle it with compassion. But then what you believe to be true is true - I believe in the inherent goodness of people and trust myself enough to know who is or isn't good for me. I have LOTS of good kind and loving people around me.

"Therefore, when someone displays THAT negative behavior, it triggers 'love' (a dysfunctional version of it anyway) in a person:"> I would thinkthat the emotion would be anger instead of love...like "hey, this feels like the other time I was cr*pped on.".

 if you have no comparison on good or bad treatment personally, then you can't make any other choice than this is what I get.  Just look at the news! People who have been abused and mistreated will often grow deeply attached to their abuser - it is basically brainwashing. If all you know is crap, then you accept crap. This is how it is - sad but true. PEople will not leave their abusers - sometimes even when they know there are other options availabe - it's what they BELIEVE they deserve..

"Basically, unless a person feels worthy of love, respect, kindness, etc - they will not be able to handle it because it is foreign to them - just like two ends of a magnet repelling each other."> so they'll screw it up?.

Yes - this is basic psychology - people self sabatoge all day when they feel they 'don't deserve' something - they will run, deny, act out - anything but accept it. Again - this is why abused people stay in abusive situations and why many women go for bad boys and ignore men who are good and kind and loving and ready for a relationship.  like attracts like - this is a universal truth..

Toni..

Comment #13

<<I'm willing to bet that your dad has something to do with this. Why? They usually do. Whether or not he was around, or the fact he was around and unaffectionate, alcoholic, abusive, or whatever. I've learned that the DAD has a HUGE role on how children view r-ships. I've made the argument before that the DAD is just as, or if not MORE critical to a childs 'psychological and social' maturity,   than   the   mom>>.

Z, I agree 1000%. I have long said that a girls relationship (thru Match.com) with her father or the strong male presence in her young life is the best indicator of how she feels about herself and what kinds of relationships she will be in. If she is secure in her father's love and respect, then she knows this in her core being - and she will not be afraid of love or men.  And if she has ANY question about it - as being absent can sometimes cause - then she will not be fully secure in herself - and her relationships will show it..

Toni..

Comment #14

"...why many women go for bad boys and ignore men who are good and kind and loving and ready for a relationship.  like attracts like - this is a universal truth.".

I do know when someone IS into me, I start to wonder WHY is he into me?  Something must be wrong with him.  Why is he not into someone else or he must be desperate or he just wants a fling..

But it makes me feel great when someone shows a sign of interest in me and they start flirting/chasing, etc.  I love it.  But once he gets a step or two closer all of a sudden I am turned off and I start to act indifferent..

I have only been in two real relationships and do not date using Match.com alot.  I am not promiscuous.  I have been told I'm very pretty and I have a bubbly disposition.  I never considered myself with low self esteem, but I guess what I'm describing above is...

Comment #15

<<I have been told I'm very pretty and I have a bubbly disposition.  I never considered myself with low self esteem, but I guess what I'm describing above is.>>.

Yep - it is. What do YOU think when someone tells you you are pretty or otherwise compliments you?  Do you think the people who compliment you are lying? This is basically what all the negative tapes that plays in your head is saying everytime you discount someone's sincere compliment.

And if you have to wonder why anyone would want to date using Match.com you - then Hon, it's little wonder you go for the wrong men - you do have a very poor self image. Unless and until you love to like, honor and respect yourself - no one else will be able to.

Suppose the only person in the world could and would take care of you through thick and thin only if you treated her with the utmost care, respect and honor. Suppose you did this - and she always looked after you, guiding you to your best life, cheering your victories and comforting your losses. But access to this beloved friend and mentor comes only with your continued good care.  Hon, this beloved friend is YOU. YOU are the only one who will ALWAYS be with you no matter what.  But treat your 'self' with dishonor and disrespect, she loses teh ability to help you be all you can be. YOu are basically throwing garbage on your 'self' rendering her ineffective. You can't access her wisdom, or love or creativity - therefore, you have pretty much cut off your own life line and wander aimlessly from one unsatisfying situation to another.

Why? You can't exist without her - yet you treat her terribly - just like you allow others to treat you....this is where you are attracting people and situations that are ;like' you - you're unavailable to the part of you that allows you to be your 'best self'.....

Look at it this way - you are the only person who will ALWAYS be with you through thick and thin - regardless of how brilliant you may be or how foolish you may be - would you talk to your real best friend the way you speak to yourself? When you look at your  'self' as someone to respect, cherish and take good care of because she is ALWAYS with you - you'll make peace with your 'self' and treat her with the love and care she needs and deserves. And when you do this, everything else falls into place.  If you continue to war with your 'self', denigrate her, disrespect her, lie to her, etc - she will not be able to carry you through the difficulties and congratulate you on the victories..

BE teh kind of person that you want as a best friend - to YOU.  Counseling would be a great place to start - as would other resources to build your self love and esteem.

Toni..

Comment #16

Wow, thank you Toni.  I really appreciate everything.  It is not my dad. I have an inkling of who is probably the root of my problem - he has always been mean and hurtful to me.  I'm going to look into this more and I agree speaking to a counsellor would help me alot.  I have to find out how to build up my self image..

Comment #17

I think sometimes people try to fit in where they do not fit in.  That is why I made the remark about insecurity.  They think they are like the group that they are hanging out with, when they are not like them at all.  I think we all know people who have done this to themselves.  Eventually they realize that the so-called friends they made are really not friends and the men they meet are shallow..

"I have LOTS of good kind and loving people around me."> you are lucky. .

"If all you know is crap, then you accept crap."> I agree. it usually takes a woman like this to meet new people who see someone different than the rest of the people who abuse her.  When that happens this type of person does eventually find it within her (hopefully) to want a better life..

Like may attract like and opposites do attract but there is something about a dysfunctional woman or man that draws so many people who need to be needed to their side it is disgusting...

Comment #18

When it is all said and done, the one person you'll never lose is you. I agree with toni...

Comment #19

"I think sometimes people try to fit in where they do not fit in.  That is why I made the remark about insecurity.  They think they are like the group that they are hanging out with, when they are not like them at all.  I think we all know people who have done this to themselves.  Eventually they realize that the so-called friends they made are really not friends and the men they meet are shallow.".

This makes me think of high school and peer pressure and trying to fit in...

Comment #20


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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