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Match.com, eharmony, etc. is there a better way ?

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My first question is: Match.com, eharmony, etc. is there a better way ?

My next question is: Ive been posting on these boards for a long time. Ive observed many common themes and complaints from women: He wont commit or Hes afraid or Will he come back? Or similar. These women seem to be pushing their man for something that they themselves lack they are not READY to be fully open and emotionally intimate with a man. And yet, they push and try to force their man to feel what they feel at the same time they feel it. This forced intimacy doesnt last. No one moves into a house before it's ready.

They try to force something into being that is not ready to yet be or not able to be at all. And while they are looking at what is wrong with their man, they fail to recognize their own state of UNreadiness. To help some of you think about your own readiness for what you say you want, take the following quiz. Rank your answers 1 10 with 10 being Very Much Like Me and 1 being Not at all Like Me. 1.

I know what I want my life to be like and am fully prepared to do what is necessary to achieve it.2. I am crystal clear on who I am, what matters to me and what I have to offer. I am happy and content with myself and my life regardless of having someone special in it.3. I can easily walk away from people and/or situations that are not in my best interests or that are not a good match for my life goals.4. I trust myself to know fact from fiction and can therefore, know whom I can trust, to what degree and why.

I know that great love requires great risks. I am willing to be fully open, vulnerable and honest about my feelings, my needs and my boundaries. I am also fully willing to discuss things, no matter how difficult it may be, to promote our connection and understanding. I am also willing to ask for what I want or need when I want or need it. 6.

These things are always my responsibility no one else can do them for me. In other words, I have my ducks in a row, my baggage put away and my pantry stocked.7. When a man tells me he isnt looking for anything serious or that he is unsure of his feelings for me, I can let him go with dignity and respect. I do not try to convince him of my suitability or perfectness for him. I clearly express that if he is unsure that he wants to be with me, then I have no choice but to move on.

Nothing.8. When someone hurts my feelings or makes me angry, I can communicate my feelings in a productive way that promotes understanding and acceptance.9. If I am not interested in dating (online dating with Match.com) a man or continuing a relationship, I am honest and respectful about my feelings. I do not lie or avoid him but offer him the kind of courtesy I would like in a similar situation.10. I know what is meant for me will not pass me by.

I am content with allowing things to grow at their own pace.11. I am willing to be known by my partner, I have nothing to hide.12. I enjoy sex with a partner because I choose to. Sex neither entitles me to a relationship (thru Match.com) nor do I think sex will get or keep a mans interest.13. I know what my deal breakers are and do not compromise on them.14.

I know I am responsible for my own happiness and the choices I make. If things are not to my liking, I know I can change the direction by making other choices. 15. I will ask nothing of my partner that I am not also willing to do.Total your score and find the average. The higher your score, the higher your readiness level.

The areas you scored lowest in may be areas you need to focus on improving.Relationships work best when both people are READY to be in one. This is not something that can be forced or that you can talk someone into. It is or it is not. Just like you have to train sufficiently before you can complete a marathon. Understanding your level of readiness for a truly intimate and loving relationship (thru Match.com) will hopefully help you make better decisions in dating (online dating with Match.com) and relating.

Toni..

Comments (10)

Your question was: Match.com, eharmony, etc. is there a better way ?

Pretty good checklist.  You cant make someone feel something that they dont feel. .

Question:  In some cases is it unreadiness or is it matter of desperate feelings to find a mate - thus pushing things - thus exhibiting the traits of someone who is not ready?  BUT...one could argue that feeling desperate is a sign that the person isnt ready?  Couldnt it?.

Question :  do you sense that part of the time the reason that relationships are not working well is because one party has this ideal in his or her head and each time they enter into a relationship (thru Match.com) they try to force that SO to fit that ideal - even if that person doesnt want a serious relationship, or isnt really compatible.   Instead of just realizing that this one isnt going to work..some people have to have the relationship (thru Match.com) work because they are tired of dating (online dating with Match.com) or the guy/woman is so nice or so "perfect" in general (who wouldnt want him/her?) or they just dont want to be alone...

Comment #1

Question: In some cases is it unreadiness or is it matter of desperate feelings to find a mate - thus pushing things - thus exhibiting the traits of someone who is not ready? BUT...one could argue that feeling desperate is a sign that the person isnt ready? Couldnt it?>>This is just my opinion but I think that when a person tries to force intimacy by skipping over the vulnerability and sharing and gradually knowing part then they are NOT ready to be intimate. They see sex and cohabitating as intimacy - the real stuff is when you let yourself be known and when your partner lets themselves be known. THAT and the trust and respect that follows is builds a good foundation for a long term relationship. Like the marathon analogy - when a runner tries to run the marathon before being truly ready - s/he 'thinks' they are ready, they WANT to be ready, but when they attempt and fail, the setback is greater because they lack the emotional and physical strength to endure the difficulties. So, when intimacy and a relationship (thru Match.com) is forced - the person may WANT to be ready and may even think they are - but the act of forcing something is a sign of not being ready for it to develop and 'be' in it's own way. And when the difficulties arrive, they aren't emotionally prepared to handle it.<<Question : do you sense that part of the time the reason that relationships are not working well is because one party has this ideal in his or her head and each time they enter into a relationship (thru Match.com) they try to force that SO to fit that ideal - even if that person doesnt want a serious relationship, or isnt really compatible.>>Anytime either or both partners have a ideal of how things should be and try to fit themselves or force their partner into that role, it won't work.

You might get it into the shoe for a breif moment - but it won't last and trying to make it stay will cause pain.<<Instead of just realizing that this one isnt going to work..some people have to have the relationship (thru Match.com) work because they are tired of dating (online dating with Match.com) or the guy/woman is so nice or so "perfect" in general (who wouldnt want him/her?) or they just dont want to be alone.>>Which to me is an indication that they are not ready to have what they say they want. I see it like this (yes, I love analogies) - when a person is hungry - they don't have to be talked into eating. They don't stop eating because they are tired of cooking or buying food. They keep going to the grocery store or restaurant and they keep eating because it's necessary to their well being. People who quit dating (online dating with Match.com) or settle for the wrong parnter have in essence stopped eating (doing the things that develop love and intmacy) - which is foolish.

Like exercise and eating healthy - they want the reward but not the work. The world just doesn't work this way. There is no free ride - if you want a great love - you MUST do your part and prepare for it's arrival.When you are truly READY to open your heart and share intimately with another human, you don't make excuses, you don't procrastinate, and you don't think it's too much effort - just like when you are hungry - you go get what you want (or in the case of relationships - make yourself available for one)I don't usually see things as black and white - but when it comes to love and intimacy, you are either ready to share that with another and do so when given the opportunity or you don't. Far too many posts here indicate an UN-readiness to share that because the women stay with men who are just wrong for them, have a stronger fear of rather than a desire for love and intimacy or they are too lazy to do the work required to BE a good relationship (thru Match.com) partner. They want others to do it for them which means, they can never be 'ready'.The amount of patience you have to wait for the thing you want is a big indicator of your readiness to receive it..

Toni..

Comment #2

"This is just my opinion but I think that when a person tries to force intimacy by skipping over the vulnerability and sharing and gradually knowing part then they are NOT ready to be intimate.".

Forcing intimacy is just like avoiding intimacy, IMO. It is all fake it provides one with a phony sense of a bond. Avoiding intimacy does that by bonding on something that doesnt mean anything - like when people bond on a favorite movie instead of being vulnerable and real with each other.  Forcing intimacy does the same thing - you cant be in a solid relationship (thru Match.com) by skipping over the foundation-building aspects.  Just like people who get promoted too fast in the corporate world. By paying your dues...you become a much better "executive ____"  than if you bypassed the other job details - your decision making is more well rounded..

"When you are truly READY to open your heart and share intimately with another human, you don't make excuses, you don't procrastinate, and you don't think it's too much effort.".

That is how I feel.  I also get black and white about relationships - either you want it (like food - an innate reflex) or you dont want it and if you dont know if you want it...then you dont want it or want it bad enough to make the necessary adjustments - preparing like you said - for the arrival..

"have a stronger fear of rather than a desire for love and intimacy or they are too lazy to do the work required to BE a good relationship (thru Match.com) partner. ".

Fear is a powerful motivator..

"The amount of patience you have to wait for the thing you want is a big indicator of your readiness to receive it.".

I agree - recently I was willing to wait for a particular man and when he took that kindness and did things that were very hurtful to me (joining in with horrible people to try and scare me that I would lose him or that he would pick someone else)...I just couldnt stand by his side any longer.  His stunt pushed me away from him.  He could twist this around and say he did those things to show me that no matter who he encountered...he only wanted me.  But it was done in a very sick manner - really sociopathic and abusive in it's design - and games dont work with me anyway - ever. I feel that game playing is done by people who dont have much to offer so they provide sicko drama hoping they can hook a person with the drama because they are emotionally vacant inside - nothing to give anyone.  He could have done it because he got a bad rep in the past about infidelity and I would have gotten to know him anyway, just to see for myself.  I feel his actions say more about how he feels about himself than how he feels about me. I felt as though he used me to prove a point about himself and all it did was demonstrate that he is not to be trusted with my heart.  His method of keeping me in the dark is all about him needing to control the interactions between he and I and...what happens when people try to control something that should never be controlled? Things get out of control and they lose the person anyway...

Comment #3

There is a story in the Bible about a group of women whow were to be brought before the King for his choosing as wife. They never knew when it would happen. The scripture describe how many got lazy - they stopped doing the daily things that would make them ready for the King's visit because he had not been in ages, they indulged in the finery that was to be saved only for the King's visit, they burned their lamps at night when they were to be sleeping. They kept telling themselves "I'll have time later" Those who were diligent in maintaining themselves and their offerings had the same wait - yet they stood in faith that the King WOULD appear and they wanted to be sure that nothing was left to chance in being passed over by him.More time passed, the lazy got lazier and mocked those who remained diligent trying to convince them to also be lazy. And then, the King's arrival was announced after midnight - those who had been lazy had no oil in their lamps to light the way to meet the King - they had been given just enough to make the trip, their finery was worn and dirty. They begged those who remained diligent to share but those smart ladies would not - they had done what was required of them and knew their reward was to meet the King.

Opportunity doesn't wait until you decide to 'be ready for it' Opportunity knocks at all hours and in all ways. It is the responsibility of each of us to be ready for the arrival of opportunity - because when opportunity meets preparation, success happens. This is absolutely true in relationships - you (generally you, not you personally) won't know when love arrives if you have no idea on how to recognize it. You wont' be able to maintain it even if you do recognize it if you havent made room in your heart and life for it to exist in it's own way. And if you aren't really ready for love, be willing to do the work required to GET READY.

Toni..

Comment #4

Excellent post, thanks for posting this..

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Out of respect for their opinion I will not protect.

Them with my guns..

Comment #5

I've been reading this post with a lot of interest and intrigue. I like to think that I have been preparing myself for love in these last five years since I was divorced back at age 32, by painstakingly clearing emotional baggage from the past and becoming open to new opportunities. But something that perplexes me is how do I know I've met someone who is also ready for real connection and real love? Many people I believe would say they do want real love...Maybe only time can tell...

Comment #6

I've found that observing the consistency between a person's words and actions, over a good amount of time, usually gives you the answer to that..

Sheri..

Comment #7

I like the list, there's a lot of good stuff here!!.

I have a bit of a quibble with #4 though.  I'm not sure there's an exact correlation between knowing the difference between fact and fiction and knowing whether someone can be trusted.  Good liars are good precisely because their lies are believable and have elements of fact in them.  Examplea man you're involved with tells you he is working late one night and he has a verifiable history of being required to do so and actually doing so.  But on this particular night, he is actually spending time with another woman, not at work.  The man's words and actions have been consistent in the past so you have no reason to doubt what he is teling you, but he is in fact lying this time.  In that situation, I don't think it's really a matter of knowing the difference between fact and fiction, is it? .

Sheri..

Comment #8

I am no biblical scholar myself but the story you relayed was interesting - thank you.  I have been trying to read books to deal with my anger - "The Angry Book", venting when I can (he asked me to vent), and there is another book I read a while ago that I think I will revisit "How Could You Do THis to Me?"  I'm pretty much my own motivator in personal growth - always have been.  THanks again...

Comment #9

I like this list..

"4. I trust myself to know fact from fiction and can therefore, know whom I can trust, to what degree and why.".

-> I agree with the other poster, this one's hard.  We do our best..

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Comment #10


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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