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Match.com commercial song question?

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My first question is: Match.com commercial song question?.

My next question is: Hi everyone.  Thanks so much for reading this, first of all!  I've posted on here a few times before regarding my relationship (thru Match.com) with my boyfriend.  We have now been together for 8 months.  I need some advice on our relationship!  I always get such good advice here.  I have a couple dilemmas I need some opinions on..

Okay, first of all...my birthday was last weekend.  Weeks prior, he had been asking me all the time what I wanted for my birthday.  I told him I didn't want anything big, really just a card would be nice.  I didn't want to make it seem like I was greedy, and really, I didn't want anything too big.  Okay, so last weekend, for my birthday, he shows up to pick me up with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, the FIRST flowers he's ever bought me, so I was quite excited!  He also got me a card, with a note inside that tells me things like "I've had tons of fun with you so far this year, I hope it continues....When I think of my future, I picture you in it, you are an amazing girl...etc." I was swept away by this card, b/c it is the FIRST time he has ever told me how he feels about me, really.  I was very excited, needless to say.  Then we went to the mall, as he wanted me to "pick out" a gift, I guess.  So we shop around for a bit, then we run into the dress section of Macy's.  I tell him I really want a Christmas dress...so we look around and I pick out a few and try them on and model them for him.  There is one in particular that we both really liked, so he says I should get it.  It's $89, and I don't make much money (he actually makes 3 times as much as I do) so I hesitate at first.  I DON'T assume that he is going to pay for it.  He says he will go HALF on it with me.  So I agree.  We go to checkout and he says he will pay me cash later (I put it on my credit card).  He does give me cash for it later.  I don't really think much of this, I mean, I was soo happy that he even went half with me on this, and I DO NOT want to seem greedy or unappreciative or anything, BUT, I do admit that I was a LITTLE disappointed that he wanted to go "half" on the dress for me.  I mean, don't get me wrong, it was expensive, but I don't know..it would have been nice if he would have said, "you know what, I'm going to get this one for you" (he's never bought me anything before) but of course, I am not going to say that or complain! What does everyone else think about this situation??.

The second thing I want to address is our relationship (thru Match.com) in general.  We do NOT talk on the phone everyday.  In fact, here is what our "relationship/contact/seeing eachother schedule" generally looks like on a week-to-week basis:.

Sunday-Thursday- We don't talk on the phone at all, and we occassionally e-mail back and forth a couple times at work (probably 3-4 times a week).

Friday-Saturday- We generally spend these NIGHTS together.  Though, occassionally, we will only spend ONE of these nights together (if one of us has plans with friends or something).

Now, we have been together in an "exclusive, girlfriend/boyfriend" relationship (thru Match.com) for EIGHT months now.  Is it weird/unusual that we hardly talk during the week and only see eachother about 2 days a week?  We NEVER talk on the phone, really, either.  It is upsetting to me, and I plan on talking to him about this this weekend or something, but I wanted other's opinions on this issue.  Is this unusual??.

Thanks in advance for everyone's advice!!  I really appreciate it, and any comments at ALL are wanted!!..

Comments (8)

Your question was: Match.com commercial song question?.

I can only do my best...

I would be upset if he invited me out to go shopping and then slipped the half word with me after I chose a dress thats semi exepensive... Im not sure how comfortable you two are in the relationship (thru Match.com) but that shoulda been something that was discussed openly and casually on your way to the mall or while your there or he should have said something to you to A. not get your hopes up about him buying you something regardless of the tag or B. to make sure you knew he wasnt planning on buying you anything..

Regardless you r right it was nice of him to help you out.. (but girl it's your BDAY he should pamper you especially after 8 months) thats my two cents.

Now about the communication bit during the week I wouldnt look too deep into it especially if you both live busy lives after all when you get home after a long day a work ask yourself would I rather this time to myself or should I use this time to have my ear glued to the phone chatting with him? If you feel the latter then let him know afer 8 months you should be open ... talking to someone and communicating in a verbal way is one of the only ways u'll get to know someone.. you'll find out likes dislikes etc..  Im talking to two guys right now.. and I talk to each of them every night for like 2 hours with one and 1 hour with the other.. so.. my whole evening is spent chatting away but I like it bc I'm getting to know these people and I'm laughing..

Sooo the talking bit should definitely be something to speak with him about but do it casually and non chalant.. if your both very busy beavers then maybe it is best to catch up on the weekend?.

 .

Charlene..

Comment #1

First of all - why do you associate 'greedy' with asking for what you want? Why are you controlling his generosity towards you with your limits? From what you've said, you are trying to paint a picture to him of not having expectations on special treatment from him - Guess what - it's working! And now you aren't happy with it!.

Hon, GREED - the real kind - means nothing but valuing material things over people, hoarding, manipulating, hurting to get whatever it is you are greedy for - it never has and never will mean allowing someone else to treat you generously either with gifts or attention. .

And this also goes hand in hand with the phone calls -  when you try to 'not seem' one way - you are controlling him perception of you - you aren't being real. You want one thing but your actions say another - I will only allow you to treat me halfway special. He asks you what you want - yet you play it down and say just a card because you don't want to 'seem' greedy.  Did you really just want a card? Or did you secretly hope he'd get you something spectacular to show his interest? If this is teh case, you weren't being honest with him.

If you want more contact, then initiate it - just call to say Hi and wish him a good week. REal connections are genuine and not about controlling another's perception of us - which is what 'not trying to seem' is..

Hon, not asking for what you want doesn't get it. You want what you want - and you don't have to have a reason to want it other than you want it. Does that make you greedy or does it make you a real person?  Saying one thing, yet hoping and/or expecting another is self defeating and unfair to both of you. He can't meet your needs if he isn't getting honest information from you - and then you continue to get disappointed.  Be honest and tell him what you really want! Then you both will be happier..

Learn to RECEIVE the gifts that others want to give you - in hte manner they wish to give it.

Edited 11/29/2007 9:18 am ET by tonitoons.

Toni..

Comment #2

<< Weeks prior, he had been asking me all the time what I wanted for my birthday. >>.

Ok so ... that would have been a perfect time for you to say "I'd love a new dress/outfit for Christmas."  Instead you << told him I didn't want anything big, really just a card would be nice. >>.

Just to seem a certain way?.

I agree 100% with Toni.  And, I can perfectly understand why he did what he did ... considering he had asked you many times what you wanted for your bday.   He most likely didn't want to seem like he was offending you by offering to pay to for the dress entirely ... since you clearly said you didn't want anything..

Can you see now how this is all about perception? .

You didn't want to be perceived as "greedy" ... now, it seems that your perception of him is that he didn't 'step up the plate' when given the opportunity.   Me thinks he was simply following your lead.  .

Don't walk on eggshells.   If someone asks you what you want for bday, answer honestly.   If you don't, then ... dont be disappointed if/when you don't get what you want.    Sorry ... but, that's how I see it.  .

As for the phone calls, etc ... I suppose that depends on your overall availability/schedules ... how far apart are you?   For 8 months, no calls during the week and only seeing each other twice/week seems rather infrequent.    If you would like to up the frequency, then ... yes, you'll have to ask, discuss it with him.    .

 ..

Comment #3

The next time he asks you what you want for a gift you can tell him to get imaginative or you can give him a list with some items written down and tell him to surprise you by picking one, hehe.  He put you in a bad position  by asking you what you want for your birthday and you did feel uncomfortable didnt you?  You felt the vibe correctly but you did not interpret it mentally yet, have you?  He sounds cheap but you did cave in to the vibe  and thus he cheaped out on you for your birthday.  If a guy tells me to go shopping with him and pick something out...I would assume he was paying for it. And likewise if I said it to him.  But one should check it out before going to the mall with a "you are buying, right?".

As far as the phone calls, you need to ask for what you want.   Guys love doing this to women these days.  They hold back and do not put any serious effort in unless the woman asks for it.  That is also what he did with the birthday gift. Guys love doing this to women because then they get to sit around their beers and say, "oh, and I suppose it is all on us, huh?  Well, it looks like they dont want us to put any effort in...so I dont want to hear it later."..

Comment #4

I replied to this post on another board, so I'm not really going to go into it here. If it were me, that if he'd stopped at the flowers and the card and the dinner I would have been perfectly happy. However, I think it's a little tacky to go half and half on something that can be perceived as a birthday gift. I agree that the OP should have clarified with him on what his intention was- i.e., if he was just being nice and helping her out since SHE was buying HERSELF a dress that's expensive for her to buy at this time, OR if he was doing so as a birthday gift..

Call me old fashioned, but I would be happier with the parts of the gift that were obviously very well-thought out in advance- the flowers, card, dinner- than with a man i've been seeing for 8 months just giving me essentially cash as a present. That's what made him seem cheap, IMO- not the dollar amount that he spent, but rather, the way it was done. Had he just purchased a 20 dollar necklace or something, he wouldn't have come across as cheap or tacky. And, the act (because it seemed so thoughtless and tacky, even though he obviously has no idea and it wasn't his intention) also detracted from the really nice, sweet and thoughtful things that he did for her.

I agree with the rest of your post, though- at 8 months she should not be afraid to voice her needs and expectations, bc the boy is not a mindreader...

Comment #5

I agreefor me, the WAY he handled the dress buying would have rubbed me the wrong way a bitit's not about the $$ amount.  But like the many other issues the OP has posted about, and the rest of her post here, the awkwardness could have been avoided with better *communication*..

Sheri..

Comment #6

Thanks for the clarification.  That makes more sense ... that is wasn't so much about him not spending the money or buying the dress in full ... it was the offering to pay half, the awkardness of it ... that I suppose could be perceived as tacky?  .

I dunno ... honestly, people aren't perfect.   And men, in particular, often just say things ... without preparation ... he may be just said "go half" ... without much thought ... perhaps he was feeling the awkwardness too (as the OP has already said that she wasn't sure what to make of the situation) ...

This post is cross-posted on several boards!) ... that he may have picked up on a "vibe' from her ... as she said she wasn't assuming he was paying for it..

Anyway, I think we can all agree that this comes to communication ... which would have avoided the awkardness that, it seems to me, BOTH sides were likely feeling.   So, I say ... cut some the guy some slack ... he very likely may not have known what to make of the situation either and just said "I'll pay half."   I don' think it makes him cheap or tacky ... not based on one awkward moment/situation. .

 ..

Comment #7

I think he could have bought the dress but ok - he did keep his word, giving you the cash - and card and flowers were lovely.

 .

You can and should talk to him about having more contact during the week, as something you think would be nice and see his reaction. It's certainly not unusual at this stage. Try not to make it too heavy a conversation.  KJeep things more on the light side. Have the two of you discussed where this might eventually be leading?.

He definitely does sound like he cares about you.  Good luck.

,..

Comment #8


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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