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My first question is: Match.com, are you a full member there? UK only please?.

My next question is: Hi,.

I have posted about my situation and this is an update.   I have been seeing someone for about two months now.  I have known him since last summer because of work (but we don't work together).  We see each other at least once week (dictated by work schedules and my custody schedule), communicate by text/phone every now and then during the day.  And he always texts me good night. .

He has never been married.  No children.  We are in our 40s and I have one child (12 years old) with my exhusband..

I have not removed my profile from a dating (online dating with Match.com) site.  I am starting to become reluctant to meet other men.  The problem is I do not know if it is appropriate to bring up the "do you want to date using Match.com other people" talk at this stage. .

I am content to keep our respective routines, but would like it if we dated each other only.  I am pretty sure I am the only one he is seeing.  He told me that he likes me very much but it is too soon to tell if he "loves me."  This was in response to my telling him that I am not into the friends with benefits thing. .

What bothers me is he thinks I am "slumming" it, i.e., I am educated and he is not,  I am a "professional"  and he is not, etc..

Advice on how to approach this.  Should I just let things proceed naturally and keep my options open on the dating (online dating with Match.com) site?.

Thanks,.

Bunny..

Comments (9)

Your question was: Match.com, are you a full member there? UK only please?.

 .

Never assume you are exclusive, you must find out..

I would bring something up but with the intention to protect yourself and be anchored in self love rathering with the intention of getting him to commit.  You don't want to come across like you are manipulating him.  You want to come across as someone who loves herself so much, she requires some kind of commitment to be sexual with someone that is based on self-love..

You are sleeping with him, no? That is good enough reason to bring it up as most women cannot comfortably have an open relationship (thru Match.com) with a man they are sleeping with..

I would maybe say something like this..."Honey, I love being with you and in this relationship.  However, I realized that I need some sort of exclusivity with you if we are going sleep together.  I need this for the protection of my health and emotions.  Are you sleeping with anyone else"?.

If he says yes, I would stop sleeping with him.  If no..well you have your answer..

And, I do think you should keep yourself open to other relationships until you know you are in an exclusive relationship (thru Match.com) and he asked to be a couple.  Especially at your age...time is precious.  You don't want to be wasting it..

Some books stay open until you are engaged as you don't know what will happen..

 .

 .

Soliel..

Comment #1

Hi,.

I had to think about your post a while.  I was still at work when I saw it and texted him and asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else.  He was still at work as well and texted back "no."  And I told him I wasn't either.  But I didn't go on to ask if he wanted to keep it that way.... Not sure if/when I should.....

Bunny..

Comment #2

Seriously, you *texted* him that???  What are you thinking, girl????.

Those kind of conversations need to take place in person, or at worst over the phone.  Not by text!!! .

And yes, a follow up question about whether each of you is free to sleep with other people is necessary.  Not currently sleeping with anyone else is NOT the same as not considering yourselves free to sleep with other people..

And sexual monogamy is not the same as exclusivity, which is not dating (online dating with Match.com) or being open to dating (online dating with Match.com) other people (since dating (online dating with Match.com) and having sex are not necessarily synonymous)..

But please, ask these follow up questions in person so you can see his reaction, hear tone, etcit's so important! .

Sheri..

Comment #3

Hi Sheri,.

I was more concerned about STDs than anything when I texted him that (sort of late at this stage, but at least I feel a little better).  As far as exclusivity, etc., yes that has to be in person..

Bunny..

Comment #4

Yeah, you never want to let yourself get to the point where you feel you have to text something like that because you have to know the answer RIGHT THIS MINUTE...bringing it up before you slept together would have been better, but live and learn!.

Sheri..

Comment #5

Hi.   You sound hesitant to ask for reassurance. Are you hesitant because you don't want to scare him or upset the apple cart?.

I am 42 years old and in a new relationship.  When we slept together (a bit too early) I wanted to ask, but I was afraid.  I was afraid of coming across as too controlling or worse, not getting the answer I needed..

But looking back, I realized I should have said something as a form of my self caring.  I should have spoken up, that at least would have shown I have some self-esteem!  It's very natural to ask for some sort of sexual monogamy (at least) when a woman is sleeping with someone. Not so much for a man, they can sleep with several women, in general, and feel OK. For most women, this is too vulnerable and hurtful..

Instead, I just waited and watched.  It turned out OK...he suggested becoming a couple before me, but I wish I had set boundaries for myself ahead of time to show I care about myself.  Not that I wished that we become a "couple" but at least required that he not sleep with anyone else while we were sleeping together..

And, yes, I agree with Sheri...this is an in depth conversation and it sounds like you need it.  Don't ignore that inner part of yourself that wants to set boundaries.  Have a clear agreement...always coming from self-love...not to control him but out of respect for yourself.

Let us know what happens..

Soliel..

Comment #6

Hello,.

>>> You sound hesitant to ask for reassurance. Are you hesitant because you don't want to scare him or upset the apple cart? <<<.

The answer is both.  However, he did confirm that I am the only one he is sleeping with, and same with me.  The next issue is whether or not we are a "couple."  We have gotten into a comfortable routine of texting each other during the week and getting together once a week.  He is very respectful of my time with my daughter..

He works a lot of hours, goes to the gym every day, then sees his father every weekend.  Then he has a lot of work around the house.  Just like my routine except you replace "father" with "my daughter" (except she is with me more than half the time)..

So, in that regard we seem compatible.  He has never been married.  No children.  I am willing to see how it goes for a while (or at least until someone else asks me out) before confirming whether or not we are a "couple." .

Thanks,.

Bunny..

Comment #7

Well you should reassure him that who he is is the important thing to you, not what he does. And you can say that you don't want to push him or rush into anything, it's only been a couple of months but does he see this as having potential, does it seem appropriate to only date using Match.com each other at this juncture or give it more time.  Communication to see where each person is at is fine. Again make sure you don't pressure him, it's exploratory and casual.

,..

Comment #8

Hello,.

Thank you for your response.  Before I received it, I did have to talk to him about "does it seem appropriate to only date using Match.com each other at this juncture or give it more time."  But not in those exact words. .

The reason I had to was because a couple of people have asked me out.  I had a good excuse for "buying more time" in order to talk to this guy:  I had my daughter this weekend. .

I didn't want to seem I was pressuring him into anything, and I didn't know how to bring it up....until HE said something that bothered me, i.e.,  how his perfect day would be golf, gym, pizza and sex, and not necessarily in that order.  The conversation went downhill from there.  His tendency to be flippant, I  believe, stems from the fact that his father is twice divorced.  And I was not in the mood for it today. .

I told him that at this point, I felt that he and I were not looking for the same things, which is fine and is a discovery people make through dating.  He then accused me of analyzing what he says.   Nevertheless, I told him that if he wanted to continue to have the option to see other people, then I will too. .

He said I am the only person he is seeing, that he enjoys my company and likes spending time with me.  However, he does not look into the future and that what happens happens.  Frankly, I feel the same way.  I have been married to and divorced from a man to whom I lost my virginity, who is the father of my only child, and with whom I had every intention of spending the rest my life. .

Bunny..

Comment #9


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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