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Match.com and finding someone?

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My first question is: Match.com and finding someone?.

My next question is: I'm recently separated as of Oct. 2007, I've met many, found one that seems to be a keeper as of now, met him in July 2008. I've never let my daughter meet any of the previous men that I've met, simply because I never saw the possibility of a future. And her seeing me with different men is a no-no. Well, this particular guy shows potential. my daughter, who's 9 met him briefly when he came over to help me move furniture.

She's not accepting to well to outings with him, me, his daughters who are 11 and 7. She thinks a boyfriend would mean marriage and I'm no where near that. She seems to be accepting the separation well. She thinks we are divorced, because daddy now lives with another woman. We did that to protect her image of her dad.

I'm wondering if I put too much emphasis on her feelings? I wanted to invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner and she was like, "no, mom, Thanksgiving is for family" so I didnt invite him. Most decisions I make, I consider her feelings. I dont want her little emotions shattered, you know.

Now, her father is very active in her life. We are good friends. He lives about an hour away. She can see him and call him anytime, no problem there..

Help here, please.

 ..

Comments (16)

Your question was: Match.com and finding someone?.

If I'm understanding things right, it sounds like you were dating (online dating with Match.com) while you still lived with your husband, but you've only actually been separated for a month. From your daughter's perspective then, she probably didn't absolutely know things were over with the marriage until the actual separation, which makes this incredibly quickly to be introducing her to a new guy. I don't know how intense the dating (online dating with Match.com) is, but give your daughter some time to accept the divorce before you bring a new guy around who may or may not actually work out...

Comment #1

No we have been separated for just over a year. the separation was in oct 2007. I think you misread the date..

Comment #2

Can I ask why you aren't getting a divorce yet? If her father is living with someone else then it sounds like a serious relationship (thru Match.com) and you're interested in finding a serious relationship (thru Match.com) as well. What's holding you back from finalizing this?..

Comment #3

I'm pursing it, especially since I've met someone. Will be filing within the next two weeks. We simply got content with being out of the house from each other..

Comment #4

Oh, ok - so at least it's in the works and that isn't an issue. How does your daughter accept her father's girlfriend?..

Comment #5

This will take time and sensitivity.  You're being a good mother here. I twas correct to not introduce her to guys who weren't going to be in the picture. B ut explain to her that you are nowhere near getting married and much as you love her you are lonely sometimes for adult company. Bring him in slowly - let her know you go out with him when she's home with a babysitter and introduce him a little here, a little there into her life.

 .

But daddy is with someone now and does she want you to be alone the rest of your life, long after she's moved on to go to college, then marry herself?  Let her know she will always be number one but that gradually you need to live an adult life too..

Are there parents without partners groups in your area, other single moms you can turn to for suggestions? Good luck.

,..

Comment #6

Your daughter is scared. I would advise not to use the boyfreind word and call him your friend and absolutly no PDA. I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) sense 2003 right after my seperation and my 12 year old just figured it out. We were talking about dating (online dating with Match.com) and she popped off and said well you dont sdate do ya. Well I have been dating (online dating with Match.com) ...she looked at me funny....REALLY????? yes you just dont know it...well why. Well because dating (online dating with Match.com) is an adult thing that I dont think you were ready to find out about.

Your daughter is still feelingthe effects of your seperation/divorce??? Kids dont bounce back the way we think they do emotionally. Her family was split up even though her relationship (thru Match.com) with her dad is ggood you 2 live in 2 different homes. I am telling you your daughter is scared and uncertain about him. call him your friend and no PDA...

Comment #7

PS your daughter is right though...he isnt family he is a firiend...she sounds like she needs this to be slow. really slow. Now all this doesnt mean she should control your dating. In fact telling her mommy has friends just like you have friends...

Comment #8

 I'm going to share a few thoughts with you, Fashan, and I'll invite you to interpret them however you choose is best. Note: I don't have kids. So this is how *I* would handle this situation, having learned the things I've learned from my own life. I've learned some EXTREMELY effective ways to deal with situations just like this one.

 I think it's great that you take into account your daughters feelings. I think with you being the adult, YOU would know to NOT allow a child control your dating (online dating with Match.com) life. I think it's great that your daughter shares her feelings with you and that you LISTEN to her. Listening to her feelings is what she REALLY needs from you; you staying single forever is NOT what she needs. You need to date, she needs to be listened to. To not date using Match.com b/c your 9 yo daughter says NOT to, to me, wouldn't be an option.

IT's not your issue if she doesn't agree. If she doesn't agree, awesome. She has a right to not agree, just like you have the right to not agree with HER not agreeing. Your BIGGEST job is to LISTEN and ALLOW her to have those feelings and to let her come to her own conclusion.

 Most parents don't let their children assess things in their own terms, and most parents "give" their children solutions to how THEY (the parents) would handle it. Esteem/independence is built when kids get to "think" on their own, not when their parents give them the answers to their problems. Listening to her "FEELINGS" will make her FEEL loved, much more than if you didn't date.

 I share this with you, admitting I don't have kids, b/c... kids are people, like you and I, and so this is how I would handle a situation with an adult. So, with kids being MUCH easier to deal with than MOST adults, it's much easier to LISTEN and let them LEARN how to deal with their feelings ON THEIR OWN, unless they specifically ask for help with how to deal..

 This is a GREAT opportunity to BOND with your daughter and BUILD up your r-ship with her. I'd hate to see you go without dating, b/c you think your 9 yo daughter knows what's best for you.

 Be well....

 ..

Comment #9

Well said for someone who doesnt have kids BRAVO!!!!!!.

I need to add something...please dont pull the ,line....daddy has someone do you want me to be alone type thing....not that one comment will put this in her head but she may think in her teen years that wow I have to have a relationship (thru Match.com) so I am not alone. Theres aready enough of life like that. Being alone with out a relationship (thru Match.com) in your life is juat as good as having one...

Comment #10

Yes your daughter needs to be treated with sensivity and endless assurances of your love. If you really so recently separated it's way too early to introduce her to someone she might view as a replacement for her father. This doesnt mean yo ushouldn't have a social life but your daughter's needs come first. Possibly since this is such a difficult time for her it might be helpful for her to see a therapist. Good luck.

,..

Comment #11

Thanks to all of you so much for your advice and comments.........I forgot my password and username up until today.  I think I'm on the right track. My daughters  feelings are number one......I will continue dating (online dating with Match.com) and introduce him slowly and later. she has met him when he came over to help me move furniture. but she knows him as a friend not a boyfriend.  He talks marriage already, so I had to let him know where I stand on that issue. "not even divorced yet, please"...... I will definitely control that situation.

By the way what is PDA?..

Comment #12

PDA= personal display of affection AKA huggin kissin hand holdin ect.......

Comment #13

The P stands for "Public" not "Personal"... PDA is done in the company of others..

Comment #14

OMG Thank you for the correction...good lord. I am totally having a blonde brain fart day!!!! I knew that it was public head in the snow lately LOL..

Comment #15

LOL it's ok the P is the most important part!..

Comment #16


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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