Your question was: Match.com a good way?.
I don't undersatnd the notion of not having a home phone number for him; he has to be home at some point, KWIM? That excuse doesn't add up to me. I do agree that I see a lot of red flags as well.
You say you've been together only a few months, though, so I wouldn't get too worried about things just yet. I'm still unclear about a few things in your post such as:.
>>He doesn't have a career where he works on computers, or has the need to be in touch with 'important people' all day...<<.
Could you clarify?.
CL - Women of Color ..
I don't buy it at all. Something is up with him. Are you sure he calls you his "future wife" to others, or did he just tell you this? Sounds like he talks a big game...
It sure sounds like something is up! My 96 yo grandmother has a cell phone, so even those who trully could be old school have had to adapt. Rather, do pay phones even exist any more? I can't imagine but that he's driving all around town to find the one lone remaining pay phone, just to make his personal calls? Well, and you're right, my friends & I have a "must visit his place" rule. Ever since one of us was dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy who, finally, she showed up at his place and found his ex-wife living there with him. .
I would say, absolutely demand that you be invited to his place, and this weekend. If he refuses, you have your answer. In fact, I wouldn't beat around the bush make sure he knows that no excuse is good enough and refusal will mean that you have your answer. I told the guy I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) about the "must visit his place" rule and he had me over that weekend. It was no big deal, he even said with a wry smile as I walked in the door "and now you have your answer." I think it's time to stand strong and draw that line in the sand. ..
I really hate to say it, but it sounds like he's hiding something from you. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like. Wether it's something small or large, I think he's keeping something from you. If not, he needs to learn how to treat a woman...
He has made the comment "my future wife" in front of me to others....
I really like the 'visiting his place' rule - I will insist on that!.
I do think he is hiding something....i really wish he wasn't. He really seemed genuine but I guess he saw that I came out of a really bad relationship (thru Match.com) that I am still dealing with and he figured SUCKER!.
Just be cautious. I know what it's like to like or love someone and for everyone to tell you negative things about the relationship. But, as long as you are being cautious and not getting your hopes up I guess you can go with it. Just guard your heart above all things and don't linger too long if doesn't get better...
Thank you so much, really!! It really sucks that so many people in the world have to be dishonest especially when they want everyone to be honest with them. I feel that I may not like to hear the truth but at least I can respect the person for telling it to me!!! I had a very strange relationship (thru Match.com) and I was still living with the person when it ended but I would not lie about it - as weird as it may have sounded to some - this is my situation so this way, there are no surprises.....
I will keep my eyes open and for now try not to fall head over heels! ..
IMO, all this "insisting" and "demanding" is no way to start a relationship. How about just asking?.
I'm sure that is probably what was intended ... asking ... not demaning or insisting, right? ;-).
I think if there's any insisting on this or demanding of that then ... it's not the right situation for you.
That is true. All one can do is state his or her boundaries, and preferences for how they should be treated. The rest is up to the other person. If that other person does not want to respect those boundaries or show blatant disrespect for the other person or demonstrate that he or she doesnt really care that much..then that is what he or she will do. Then the relationship (thru Match.com) is lost or was never anything to begin with. People make choices everyday about their lives - how they treat people is also a choice...
What I mean by "demand" is not saying be rude or argumentative. What I mean by "demand" is to be clear and draw a very definite line in the sand. .
Here's why I say demand to visit him at his house: There is a risk that this guy is up to something, and that something needs to be addresed sooner rather than later. But if she "asks" and he says "maybe next week" and she says "well, okay." What happens? Well, he gets his way, she doesn't get to his house, time marches on, in 5 months she may be in the same boat, maybe, and, well, given that she waffled, he can now say "I didn't think it was that important to you." Wasted time, and the problems maybe aren't resolved. But if she "demands" or "insists", a line is drawn. She says "I'd like to visit you at your house". He declines, "maybe next week." She says, "no, this week." Now he has two choices (hence the demand). He can yes, and off she will go and suspicions alleviated (or confirmed). Or he can say no, and then she has her answer there too. She now has the info she needs to move on..
<< But if she "asks" and he says "maybe next week" and she says "well, okay." What happens? Well, he gets his way, she doesn't get to his house, time marches on, >>.
Mmmmm, no ... not exactly. Here's the alternative: she asks, he ways "maybe next week" and she says "ok, how's next tuesday night" (or Friday night or whatever) ... the point is ... being clear with what you are asking for. If he's wishy-washy about it ... then, be firm. Don't be wishy-washy right back by saying "well, okay.".
If he's not ok with that then ... it's time to cut one's losses. He doesn't get his way if she knows what is best and right for her and commits to her own boundaries.
That is what the previous poster meant about setting boundaries. We all set our own boundaries in life. Whether or not someone pushes those boundaries is entirely up to US! We allow people inside our boundaries or not. Always..
We can let another person know what that boundary is ... and if they try to cross it ... we either allow it or we don't. Right now, from what I can tell ... he's getting away with something that the OP is not comfortable with ... he's not letting her into his home or his life ... and frankly, that is on HER ...
Yes! I agree with you. The thing I've been finding, too, is that it's the ones where the boundaries are easy (i.e., you say "I want to visit your place" and he says "okay") that are the possible keepers...
If someone doesn't give you his personal info and a way to be reached, yeah, that's a big red flag! Have you been to his apt?.
I'm not the OP.
CL - Women of Color ..