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Match.com a good way?

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My first question is: Match.com a good way?.

My next question is: I have been seeing this guy for a few months. I am 35 and he is 42. I live home with a sick relative so inviting him to my place is kinda off limits. He claims to live in his older brother's house. The brother's girlfriend seems to be there quite often and my guy doesn't get along with her (he feels she is only with the brother for his money) - so his place is 'off limits'. My guy also supposedly doesn't believe in cell phones and I don't have a home phone number for him (he claims that if he is not working - he works a full and part time job so he is not really home except to sleep and try to avoid brother and his gal).



Whenever we go out (dinner, sporting events, etc.), we wind up foolin' around in his car (which is besides uncomfortable - it's just not comfortable). I enjoy his company and he has even spoke of marriage and kids if things work out between us (he seems pretty positive about this). I really like him but I feel that there are some red flags here..

I have asked him so many times if he is involved, or married (he says he was never married). He swears I am the only one ...but I don't know..

 .

He holds my hand and is affectionate (he doesn't overdue it). He tells people he works with that I am his future wife....

Also, if he is not at work, I rarely hear from him. He also went to "visit a sick relative for about a week - he was out of work on 'emergency leave' - and I did not hear from him once (my birthday was during that week) - he did not even call to wish me a happy birthday! I was really disappointed. He told me that he appreciated that I was understanding about him having to be away - I did understand that if his story was true BUT I do not understand why I didn't receive a quick call from him (unless he was with someone else). I tease him about him being married and having kids - just to see his reaction.

I also know someone he works with and I mentioned the guy's name to him and he did not flinch - he works with a large number of men who are married and have girlfriends...I told him that I am aware of that and he had better be telling me the truth....

He even initiated a discussion about how he wants an open, honest relationship. I agreed and we both discussed some 'bad' past relationships....

He has surprised me by visiting me at work and I see him at work on two days during the week..

I want to believe him but there is definitely a story ...

He is available to see me much more than I am him so, that is one positive. Many people I have discussed this with feel that maybe he is 'old school' as far as the cell phone goes. He doesn't have a career where he works on computers, or has the need to be in touch with 'important people' all day....

What do you think? Any advice would be appreciated...

Comments (14)

Your question was: Match.com a good way?.

I don't undersatnd the notion of not having a home phone number for him; he has to be home at some point, KWIM? That excuse doesn't add up to me. I do agree that I see a lot of red flags as well.

You say you've been together only a few months, though, so I wouldn't get too worried about things just yet. I'm still unclear about a few things in your post such as:.

>>He doesn't have a career where he works on computers, or has the need to be in touch with 'important people' all day...<<.

Could you clarify?.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #1

I don't buy it at all. Something is up with him. Are you sure he calls you his "future wife" to others, or did he just tell you this? Sounds like he talks a big game...

Comment #2

It sure sounds like something is up!  My 96 yo grandmother has a cell phone, so even those who trully could be old school have had to adapt.  Rather, do pay phones even exist any more?  I can't imagine but that he's driving all around town to find the one lone remaining pay phone, just to make his personal calls?  Well, and you're right, my friends & I have a "must visit his place" rule.  Ever since one of us was dating (online dating with Match.com) a guy who, finally, she showed up at his place and found his ex-wife living there with him. .

I would say, absolutely demand that you be invited to his place, and this weekend.  If he refuses, you have your answer.  In fact, I wouldn't beat around the bush make sure he knows that no excuse is good enough and refusal will mean that you have your answer.  I told the guy I'm dating (online dating with Match.com) about the "must visit his place" rule and he had me over that weekend.   It was no big deal, he even said with a wry smile as I walked in the door "and now you have your answer."  I think it's time to stand strong and draw that line in the sand. ..

Comment #3

I really hate to say it, but it sounds like he's hiding something from you. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounds like. Wether it's something small or large, I think he's keeping something from you. If not, he needs to learn how to treat a woman...

Comment #4

He has made the comment "my future wife" in front of me to others....

I really like the 'visiting his place' rule - I will insist on that!.

I do think he is hiding something....i really wish he wasn't.  He really seemed genuine but I guess he saw that I came out of a really bad relationship (thru Match.com) that I am still dealing with and he figured SUCKER!.

 ..

Comment #5

Just be cautious. I know what it's like to like or love someone and for everyone to tell you negative things about the relationship. But, as long as you are being cautious and not getting your hopes up I guess you can go with it. Just guard your heart above all things and don't linger too long if doesn't get better...

Comment #6

Thank you so much, really!! It really sucks that so many people in the world have to be dishonest especially when they want everyone to be honest with them.  I feel that I may not like to hear the truth but at least I can respect the person for telling it to  me!!!  I had a very strange relationship (thru Match.com) and I was still living with the person when it ended but I would not lie about it - as weird as it may have sounded to some - this is my situation so this way, there are no surprises.....

I will keep my eyes open and for now try not to fall head over heels! ..

Comment #7

IMO, all this "insisting" and "demanding" is no way to start a relationship.   How about just asking?.

I'm sure that is probably what was intended ... asking ... not demaning or insisting, right?  ;-).

I think if there's any insisting on this or demanding of that then ... it's not the right situation for you.

 ..

Comment #8

That is true.  All one can do is state his or her boundaries, and preferences for how they should be treated. The rest is up to the other person. If that other person does not want to respect those boundaries or show blatant disrespect for the other person or demonstrate that he or she doesnt really care that much..then that is what he or she will do. Then the relationship (thru Match.com) is lost or was never anything to begin with.  People make choices everyday about their lives - how they treat people is also a choice...

Comment #9

What I mean by "demand" is not saying be rude or argumentative.  What I mean by "demand" is to be clear and draw a very definite line in the sand.   .

Here's why I say demand to visit him at his house:  There is a risk that this guy is up to something, and that something needs to be addresed sooner rather than later.  But if she "asks" and he says "maybe next week" and she says "well, okay."  What happens?  Well, he gets his way, she doesn't get to his house, time marches on, in 5 months she may be in the same boat, maybe, and, well, given that she waffled, he can now say "I didn't think it was that important to you."  Wasted time, and the problems maybe aren't resolved.  But if she "demands" or "insists", a line is drawn.  She says "I'd like to visit you at your house".  He declines, "maybe next week."  She says, "no, this week."  Now he has two choices (hence the demand).  He can yes, and off she will go and suspicions alleviated (or confirmed).  Or he can say no, and then she has her answer there too.  She now has the info she needs to move on..

 .

 ..

Comment #10

<< But if she "asks" and he says "maybe next week" and she says "well, okay."  What happens?  Well, he gets his way, she doesn't get to his house, time marches on,  >>.

Mmmmm, no ... not exactly.   Here's the alternative:  she asks, he ways "maybe next week" and she says "ok, how's next tuesday night" (or Friday night or whatever) ... the point is ... being clear with what you are asking for.   If he's wishy-washy about it ... then, be firm.  Don't be wishy-washy right back by saying "well, okay.".

If he's not ok with that then ... it's time to cut one's losses.   He doesn't get his way if she knows what is best and right for her and commits to her own boundaries.

That is what the previous poster meant about setting boundaries.   We all set our own boundaries in life.  Whether or not someone pushes those boundaries is entirely up to US!   We allow people inside our boundaries or not.   Always..

We can let another person know what that boundary is ... and if they try to cross it ... we either allow it or we don't.   Right now, from what I can tell ... he's getting away with something that the OP is not comfortable with ... he's not letting her into his home or his life ... and frankly, that is on HER ...

 ..

Comment #11

Yes!  I agree with you.  The thing I've been finding, too, is that it's the ones where the boundaries are easy (i.e., you say "I want to visit your place" and he says "okay") that are the possible keepers...

Comment #12

If someone doesn't give you his personal info and a way to be reached, yeah, that's a big red flag! Have you been to his apt?.

,..

Comment #13

I'm not the OP.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #14


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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