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My first question is:

My next question is: He is 40 I am 20. Bad idea? I really like him and we have discussed the age thing, but we seem to match up on so many levels. He acts mature, but he is still young. You know what I mean? He has 3 kids. Which he raises on his own. The oldest is 17.

We are getting super serious so I want to know if this is one of the stupidest things I have ever done before I lose my heart to him...

Comments (28)

Your question was:

Sooo I have a massive crush on my professor and I would SO so would marry him in a heart beat.  I am 19 and he is like 55 LOL  He has a son who is *exactly* my age.  My bf thinks it's so funny that I have this huge crush on him   Anyway, so I can understand your attraction.  You didn't say how long you've been with him though.  I don't think it's a bad idea, but I would just be cautious and watch out for signs that he's using you/just dating (online dating with you cause you're young, you know what I mean?..

Comment #1

We have been dating (online dating with for over a month, but it got serious pretty quickly. I am not one that usually falls so soon. The oldest I have ever dated before him was 24. I did not mean for this to happen, but the feelings are so real. My mom disapproves most strongly. She is something like 12 years younger then her bf, but she says it's different...

Comment #2

Ok, just a month and you're thinking marriage already?  Slow down.  Just have fun and keep dating (online dating with him and see where it goes.  I can't believe you're already thinking about being stepmother to his children!  LOL  You need to back up, girlfriend! ..

Comment #3

Not this second. I'm thinking about how difficult it would be to be a mother to a 17 year old. I don't want to lose my heart to have it trampled upon. It's more of a question of should I even be in the relationship (thru or should I break it off before I get hurt...

Comment #4

I mean yah, at first glance it's shocking like OMG 40??  But I don't discriminate.  It's so hard to find someone special, someone you have a real connection with.  We should be grateful if we do.  If you're sure he's not using you and he makes you happy, I don't see anything wrong with it, personally.  If it is causing more stress in your life (affecting your relationship (thru with your mom, it seems?) than happiness, then of course you should think about things.....

Comment #5

If you've only been dating (online dating with for a month you are putting the step mom cart way before the horse!  Slow down! Yes the odds are in favor of this relationship (thru not working out but if you take your time and get to know one another you may just have a shot.  But it's probably not going to be easy.  However, after only a month, you still don't know each other very well and there is no substitute for time spent together.  Slow down and let it happen or not happen naturally..


Hope it works out,.



Comment #6

Thanks for the advice. The step-mom thing just scares the heck out of me...

Comment #7

You are 20, he is 40, but you've been dating (online dating with for the whole month (4 weeks) and it got serious quickly. All I can do is 'sigh' here. This will most likely be a short-lived fling - 20 years' gap  is far too much for most r-ships to survive. He is most likely with you because you are so much younger and a huge ego boost, and you are with him because you much younger - i.e you don't yet know what it is you want from life or what kind of partner you want to live it with. You will become a completely different person with a new personality and a set of ideas, beliefs, goals etc by the time you're about 25-27. It is very unlikely that this new you will still want the man you've spent 4 weeks with so far, at the age of 20. Btw, I am 37 and have been both 'much younger' and 'much older' partner - this is the basis of my response to you...

Comment #8

It appears you are far more worried about the *step-mom* issue than whatever else is going on. When I was in my early 20s I dated a man a couple of times who was in his 40s and had older kids. It really creeped me out. Not so much the fact that his kids were just a little bit younger than me but why did this man want to date using someone so much younger. I think we went out twice and I just couldn't get into it.


Comment #9

As you get older I don't think age really matters, but you are only 20 years old, your brain keeps maturing until around age 25 or so (if you were 40 and he was 60) that is different because by then you should both be matured. I agree with the other poster, you will not feel the same or have the same outlook on life when you reach the age of 25 as you do now.I know I didn't, got married at age 17 (thought I knew it all) he was only 6 years older, but the maturity that I acquired by the age of 28 was tremendous. I was divorced by age 30 (there were other factors besides age).I think you should let this one go for now find someone closer to your age, right now it's like you are dating (online dating with your dad. He has sowed his wild oats, and lived a lot more than you, had experiences that you have yet to have. Back off of this one for now, you have your whole life ahead of you. You are way too young to be even thinking about being a step mother or a mother for that matter.

Good luck..

Comment #10

You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you.  Ask yourself why you want to tie yourself down to someone twice your age and with 3 kids to boot - one who is about your age! Not something you should get into without deep and serious thought. .


Comment #11

You are wise to question if you are ready to mother 3 kids at the age of 20.  Why are you dating (online dating with an old fart like him when you could be out having a great time, with no baggage, with someone who you have more in common with?..

Comment #12

Hey....what happened?  I thought you were crazy about your BF?  I am the type of person who cannot be in love with someone and have a crush on someone else at the same time. Especially if that crush leads to me thinking about marrying the person.  If I develop a crush on someone while I am dating (online dating with someone else...then it is a sure signal that my relationship (thru has to end.  And I would feel the same way if a guy told me he had a crush on someone else while he was dating (online dating with me...the relationship (thru would have to end...

Comment #13

I dated someone alot older last year.  He was a good boyfriend.  But he was the one who was bothered by the age difference.  I didn't care at all! LOL  He was not 40... but I was 18 and he was 30.  That is the oldest I've ever dated.  Before him, my oldest was 24.  With both of them, I can tell you that it was nice to be with someone who had more life experience.  They were so much more mature and treated me so much better than the stupid boys my age, you know?  So there's a real attraction in that.  And they took care of me.  And they were really in love with me :-)  .

Now I am dating (online dating with someone exactly my age.  I didn't love the other two.  My bf right now is my true match.  We just click! :-)   My bf and I have the same friends and we talk alike, we like similar music and hobbies, etc.  The older guys, sometimes I had to translate my slang or whatever.  So there's definitely benefits to dating (online dating with someone your own age.   In general though, what matters most to me is the "connection".. the "it" factor, and ultimately, age doesn't (or hasn't) really factor in for me.   ..

Comment #14

Whoa, you took that a little to seriously!  A crush to me is not serious.  That's why it's a "crush"  And when I say "marry" it is also more in jest.  It's like my crush on Colin Firth or whatever actor/celebrity.  Like I will say Man, Colin Firth is hot!  I would soo marry Colin Firth! LOL  That's how I think about this professor.  I mean really I want to marry my bf! But don't tell my dad - ha!  He'd freak.  "Crushes" to me are not reality.  It's just for fun.  ..

Comment #15

Oh.. forgot to say, maybe this is cultural?  Because we do not think of "crushes" in the way you portray in  your post here in Germany or in Austria (where we spend alot of time) ... It is more casual and not serious at all. .

Edited 10/23/2007 5:24 pm ET by allieshmatt..

Comment #16

I have a 24 year old daughter.  When she was 21 a couple that we met wanted to set her up with their 42 year old son who was divorced with three kids.  I cannot tell you how strongly I disapproved..

I told her that I felt she had her whole life to live and why would she want to take up with somebody who had already had a family, a home, bitter divorce, sharing his money, etc.?  He had entirely too much baggage for me to be comfortable with the idea.  In the end, she agreed..

At 20 years old, you have lots of fun and lots of living yet to do.  Why saddle yourself with somebody who has so much baggage?  You are attracted to him now but think long term...

Comment #17

<< She is something like 12 years younger then her bf, but she says it's different. >>.

Yes, because your mom isn't 20 ... so, it IS different!  .

 When you're 30+, the age thing doesn't matter.  But at 20, you don't have the life experience or maturity yet to be able to successfully bridge the gap.  And frankly, I don't think a 40-y/o man is going to be interested in a woman 20 years his junior for anything SERIOUS ... sure, it's great for his ego and he gets to date using a much younger chick ... but, serious?  Doubtful. .

And besides, you are too young for anything serious anyway.  If you want to date using him just for FUN ... that's fine ... but, keep your expectations low ... as he probably is, too.  ..

Comment #18

<< I'm thinking about how difficult it would be to be a mother to a 17 year old. >>.

First of all, his kids have a mother ... so, you wouldn't be filling that role.   And, at 17, the son is almost an adult ... so, by next year, he's on his own, legal, etc ... not something to worry about.  .

Ok, but hypothetically ... in terms of things being DIFFICULT have you entertained how difficult it would be to married to a man who's 60 when you are 40?  (of course you're not thinking that, because you're SO YOUNG STILL that you're thinking that 40 is old, ha!).

Any case ... you're jumping the gun BIG TIME ... you've been dating (online dating with for a month ... a month of dating (online dating with does not equal a relationship.  Have you discussed dating (online dating with exclusively?  Do you know if he even wants to be married? (in general, not specific to you ... but, if that's a goal for him).  Before you start thinking about marriage and stepkids ... ask him if he's dating (online dating with you because he wants a long-term relationship (thru or if he just wants to date using for dating's sake. .

(remember, most 40 y/o men do not date using 20 y/o women because they see her as a life partner)..

Comment #19

I meant dating (online dating with exclusively for a month. We have known each other for 6 months. But I am taking a huge step backwards. I had to clear my head of him and you guys helped me do that. Thanks...

Comment #20

The definition here, in the US, of "crush" is an infatuation.  To infatuate or to be infatuated you are inspired with unreasoning passion - per Webster's dictionary.  So...if I am infatuated with someone...then I have passion for him. Which means that if I am in the midst of a relationship (thru and I develop a crush on someone the object of my crush takes passion away from my SO.  Which tells me that my relationship (thru is in trouble and I need to take a cold hard look at why, if I love my SO so much, I could develop a passion for someone else.  Either it becomes a wake up call to make some changes in that relationship (thru means that the relationship (thru is kaput..

Let me know if that is different than in your part of the world..

All I know is that if my SO tells me that he has a crush on someone...that is probably the last thing he tells me, because then I'm outta there.  Crush and infatuation are one and the same and it is the driving force behind having an affair with someone...

Comment #21

I  have never been into guys a lot older than me.  The biggest age spread I've had is about 5 years.  I like dating (online dating with someone from my own generation and our references are pretty much then the same.  I have always laughed at old geezers with young women because they look so foolish and they think they look so cool.  The women I have spoken to who have dated much older men do it for the money or for the connections those men can bring them in life.  As long as they are useful the women continue to date using them.  The men know in their hearts that those women really dont care about them and the women know that they are being used as well.  They say that as long as you close your eyes during'll be okay..hehehe.  How horrible!.

If youwere 18 and the guy was 24 that is still reasonable.  The 30 year old guy is a little much because then you may definitely have some baggage with him and he obviously had some issues about control and insecurity...even if he was very loving towards was because you were young and were not  a threat to HIS mind. .

I find that men who date using much younger...have insecurities about themselves and need to be able to control the relationship (thru and by being so "worldly" to the young lady they have the upper hand.  They expose the woman to new ideologies, people, places and things so they looked "up to" by the woman.  It is very easy to impress a much younger woman.  It is also very silly because there are plenty of mindless women their own age...hehehe.  And if they are wealthy...those same mindless women their age will let them walk all over them because it is an "investment" for the woman.   Who are these women fooling?  Certainly themselves..

So all of these men who are trying to impress their friends and women (of all ages) are really doing exactly the opposite when they date using much younger because that tells me that they have emotional issues that need addressing.  And dont give me that "connection" b.s. regardless of age...because if a much older man has this "incredible" connection with a much younger is because he is an immature jackass who needs a trophy to tote along wherever he goes.  Maybe she reminds him of his ex wife when they first met...and that is the "great" connection.  I bet you'll hear that from those men..."oh she reminded me so much of 'jane' when she was college. So naive, so trusty, so loving."  ack...gag me!..

Comment #22

Yes, here the definition is different.  It is not serious like you have described...

Comment #23


This is just my opinion, and it's up to you to take it into consideration or not. I think it's absolutely insane to date using a 40 year old when you are 20. I am 22, and I can hardly force myself to even be attracted to someone who is 30. I know age is just a number, but I agree with others for him you are just a very big ego boost. Of course, a 40 year old  man, who is old to be grandpa, would love to have some young and fresh p....I know I sound brutal, but geting serious with this man - is a very foolish thing to do. Go hang out with people your age, I am sure you have more in common. You might disagree with me now, but in a few years - you will see this situation in a completely different light...

Comment #24

We have broken up all is good. 40 is old, but 20 year olds are immature and stupid..

Comment #25

I agree with you, some 40 year olds can be immature too lol I think. I usually date using guys who are 3 - 5 years older than I am, and we usually connect since we are at the same stage of our lives. So, I would say for you middle twenties, but it all depends on the person. Anyhoo, Good luck! You are def a very smart girl.


Comment #26

Wow.  That was quick.  What changed your mind so quickly from this guy that two days ago you were talking about being the mother to his kids and now you've broken up?  Wow..

Anyway, if you are more mature than guys your age, there is nothing wrong with dating (online dating with guys older than you are but maybe consider 5-10 years rather than 20..



Comment #27

We had a major fight. So we broke up...

Comment #28

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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