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My first question is:

My next question is: If someone has some advice, I would really appreciate it... My boyfriend and I have been dating (online dating with for four years, and have lived together for two. He's my best friend, and when it's just the two of us, we really do enjoy each other's company. But when it's not just the two of us, things aren't always so great. My BF hates PDA; he won't even hold my hand in public. There are days when I'm pushing to get him to walk next to me instead of ahead or behind! I don't want him to grope me in public, but it makes me very sad sometimes that he'd prefer us to look like strangers.

However, he doesn't include me in anything he does with his friends for example, tonight he's out with a sizable group of old friends and I know some of their girlfriends were invited even though I wasn't. Even when we're spending time together, he's usually online as well, IMing and making plans with his friends. Additionally, we sometimes talk about plans for the future - things like what we'd name our kids and how we'd raise them. But when I've brought up real 'issues' like sharing finances, and/or someday getting married he gets really tense and says that there is no way he's ever doing either. Finally, I am an opera singer (hence the name 'divawithaquestion' haha) and my boyfriend only likes R&B and hip-hop.

All of these things sometimes make me frustrated and/or sad. My boyfriend is steadfast that he will not change. We have discussed my frustrations before, and he has said (and demonstrated) many times that 1) he will not engage in any public affection, 2) he can't help separating his "friend-life" from his "private-life" and 3) that he just doesn't have any interest in my musical career, and he won't try to "fake" interest in it. I know my boyfriend loves me. But what I'm confused about is whether or not I'm expecting too much and should just try to be more understanding, or if I'm justified in being frustrated and disappointed and expecting more...

Should I stay with my boyfriend or is it time to move on?Sorry that was so long, but I kinda needed to vent, haha! I know no one can tell me what to do , but I really appreciate any advice to help me make my decision thanks in advance..

Comments (8)

Your question was:

IMHO, your BF isn't willing to reach middle ground and rather has stated to you that "you have to deal with it or else". Can you marry someone like this? "Yes". Will you be happy and fulfilled? "No, because it's already bothering you and filling you with sadness.Four years is along time to get to know your future husband, so be completely sure that you're dating (online dating with what you're going to marry if someday he marries you. The desicion is yours and only yours...

Comment #1

No, you're definitely not expecting too muchbut you are expecting too much from HIM.  He's not going to change and you either need to be ok with him AS IS (which sounds very lonely, honestlyand being lonely IN a relationship (thru is one of the worst feelings in the world!) or move on..


Comment #2

If you want marriage and/or children someday, you're with the wrong guy and you're wasting your precious time on him. If you want to be with someone who shares your interests or at least shows interest when you talk about them, you're with the wrong guy. If you want someone to care about you enough to include you in social gatherings, you're with the wrong guy. If you want a man who is proud of you and is not afraid to show the world that he loves you, you're with the wrong guy.

In fact, I don't think he loves you at all.  I'm sorry, he's just not showing you that. He's showing the opposite. And if he claims to love you, then it's a very selfish kind of love and you deserve better than that. Why would you feel guilty for considering leaving him? It sounds to me like you've become so used to his disinterest in you that you think it's normal for a man to treat his GF the way he treats you. It's not normal. Most women with any kind of healthy self-esteem would kick him to the curb.

You won't ever find that in him - he's already told you that...

Comment #3

I think everything you stated that you would like from your BF is what you expect and want from a BF. You are not expecting too much! All you want is to hold his hand, have him support you in your musical career, and just include you a little. If he is not willing to budge and compromise with you, then I would seriously consider your options for getting out of this relationship. It is his way or no way. It doesn't include you at all..

If I were you, I would not even consider marrying him at all. You have no say in anything and it just sounds like you and your BF are not compatible at all. He is going to keep doing what he is doing because he can get away with it because you are still around and he thinks you aren't going anywhere..

You deserve so much better and you deserve the support and affection that you so desire. I am so sorry you are going through this. Be strong and stand up for yourself! There is a man out there that will be so honored to date using an opera singer and be there for you at every performance and never want to let you go!!.



"Seek to understand and you will be understood"..

Comment #4

Your future husband should be great when he is alone with you and in public.  He shouldnt be ashamed to hold your hand or show the world he cares for you - his worlds should not be separated any longer if he is into you.  This man is not giving you what you need emotionally - why stay?..

Comment #5

... Thank you all so much. This really is an eye-opener, and I have a lot to think about now. Honestly, I wasn't expecting this kind of reaction I thought I would probably get a lot of feedback that I'm probably over-reacting. It's a harsh reality that I have to face that (as many of you very kind posters pointed out) I'm NOT asking a lot, but the problem is I'm asking for something that he's not willing to give.Sigh, I've definitely got to figure out what to do next. Thank you all so much for your caring replies and your honesty..

Comment #6

I hope you come to a decision that brings you a happier future. I wanted to add one more thing for you to consider when you're contemplating the meaning of love. I have a sister who is an amateur opera singer. Rock n' Roll is my kind of music, opera is okay but I don't listen to it for pleasure. I'm not that close to my sister, but I do love her. I've gone to every single one of her recitals and brought her flowers on several of those occasions - to give her my support and show her that I love her.

You deserve a man who will show you he loves you in all the ways he possibly can, but it's up to you to choose wisely in a partner, someone who is in alignment with you in values, goals, and interests - not someone with potential to be that person, but somone who already is that person...

Comment #7

Honestly, I think it is time to move on. You guys aren't a good match. It is almost as if he wants you to break up with him. It looks like he's not into you or the relationship (thru but doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's going to put it on you. I'm on this board to ask a question that I may not want the answer to either - it is hard, I know and I know my answer may not be what you wanted to hear. I read the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' in December and it really clarified some things for me.

Go to the bookstore, get a cup of coffee and just spend a couple of hours with that book. Light bulbs will go off. I promise!!!!Good luck to you!..

Comment #8

This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.


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