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Match. com??????

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My first question is: Match. com??????.

My next question is: I just broke up with a guy I was dating (online dating with Match.com) for 2 1/2 years.  When I met him....he and his wife had just separated.  Every couple of months, I inquire about the status of his divorce only to be told the papers haven't been filed..

He tells me daily how much he loves me and ask for my patience and understanding.  He foresees us having a beautiful future together.  He said things are working out as he planned in regards to his divorce.  He says a lot of progress is being made.  What progress?  The papers haven't been filed..

He hasn't shared the details of his perfect plan with me.  He just want me to trust him, commit myself and my body only to him.  Believe our love is strong enough to get thru this unfortunate time..

Sometimes I start to believe this crap.  If our love is strong enough.... shouldn't I stand by him until he is a free single man?  Sometimes....I feel like I'm being played and missing out on finding a man that really wants to be with me. .

Would you stay with a man that hasn't divorced after 2 1/2 years of being with you?  If he loves me so much why hasn't he divorced?  .

 ..

Comments (4)

Your question was: Match. com??????.

He is not legally available for you to give yourself to..in any way. So, he has a lot of nerve expecting ANY kind of loyalty in return from you.  This guy will have you living by a different set of rules than he is willing to live for YOU...not an equal relationship..

Keeping you in the dark about his "perfect" plan means that he wants control and wants to maintain superiority in the relationship...again..not an equal relationship. .

Also, a guy who doesnt like to share things so create a sense of security and ease of mind for you...lies by omission...be careful.  He must live by "knowledge is power" and that is an unsettling feeling because you will always end up suspicious of his actions.  He'll always keep something missing on the side so that no one can screw him over..so he never truly bonds with anyone, even a wife..

His behavior lends him to look untrustworthy and you should only trust when a person demonstrates that they are trustworthy..

He wants you to commit your body to ONLY him? That's laughable because I bet he is still sleeping with his soon-to-be-exwife.  All people do it..

Maybe there are financial reasons for his decision to not finalize the divorce. I once knew a woman who waited FIVE years for the papers to be finalized and it didnt happen for her and she left all financial reasons.  If things are really bad...money isnt worth the emotional heartache and a mature man would just leave..

I have recently went through something similar with someone and because of his mentality (needing a sexual safety net under him should relationships falter - not wanting to be alone, looking out for #1, and wanting to keep a scared woman in the dark ...) he ended up betraying me.  So I cant tell you to believe in someone who hasn't demonstrated that he wants to treat you as an equal party and with respect.  Unfortunately a person's emotional nature is something that really cant be altered in a way that means 100% success so this is just who he is.  I want someone who doesnt need a safety net under him and then...that person could possibly be more open and devoted and dedicated to a relationship (thru Match.com) with me. As long as they have their safety net...they dont have to fully invest of themselves - thus the space, the secrets and the betrayals.  Betrayal can occur because if he feels that there is a possibility of being rejected by someone he'll expend his energy to set up new relationships (at least on an emotional level) instead of working through his own discomfort or issues with the SO.  In my situation I needed this guy to come through for me during a time of victimization by the hands of others and he didnt want to rise to the occasion in any way...I was in it alone. And that is not a real relationship (thru Match.com) to me.  If he was helping me I needed to know...and he chose to not have that type of contact with me to ease my fears...that's just not okay with me..

If a guy doesnt listen to your needs and makes assumptions about what you need...then you are not really in a relationship...you are there to merely facilitate his needs.  Thats not what I want. If I wanted a casual sexual relationship..then I would seek that out and probably get more from that because then it would all be on the up and up and I wouldnt feel cheated of comfort..

 .

Edited 11/3/2008 12:40 pm ET by sugarbaby_gal..

Comment #1

>>Would you stay with a man that hasn't divorced after 2 1/2 years of being with you?  If he loves me so much why hasn't he divorced?<<  .

Probably because he doesn't plan to. Maybe you know this already but it's hard to accept. I'm willing to bet that in the beginning he told you that his wife "doesn't understand him" or that they are "not intimate anymore"..

The thing about it is even if he did divorce, say next month, there is no guarantee for you two, KWIM? Many people who divorce need some time to 'find themselves', rather than going straight into another relationship. I wish I could help more, but I can't so I'm directing you to three boards which deal with this topic. I am in no way chasing you from this board, just directing you to women who have BTDT:.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlmyaffair.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending.

Http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlpostaffair/.

CL - Women of Color  ..

Comment #2

I'm guessing sugarbaby and the CL are right.Plans mean nothing unless you make something happen. You can bet this guy didn't have any real ambition to file the divorce; think of it this way - He knew how much getting a divorce would mean to you, and instead he let you walk out of his life.My bet is that he was so afraid you'd ever ask him to marry you, if he wasn't divorced he wouldn't have an excuse not to.He's all talk, and I imagine he'll try the same routine stringing another girl along. You dodged a bullet, hopefully you will find a man whose actions match his words because when the two don't sync, they mean nothing...

Comment #3

After 2 1/2 years he hasn't filed the papers and won't give you any kind of reasonable explanation?  Yes, something is skeevy here.

,..

Comment #4


This question was taken from a support group/message board and re-posted here so others can learn from it.

 

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